by Simon Archer
“Doesn’t that increase the chances of a coup by preposterous amounts?” I pointed out, “now they all have a bone to pick with you for passing them over for a ‘smoothskin.’ You’ve just turned them against yourself instead of each other.”
“They wouldn’t dare lift a finger against me.” Gak’Nak sighed as his masseuses went to town on his muscles. “Like I told you, they’re weak. If all of them attacked this longhouse at once right now, I’m almost certain I’d come out on top, even if I had to kill every last one of them to do it. Ever since I made it to this stage of the Jubjub, I’ve been unchallenged.” He slapped his fat belly, rippling the waves of skin across the vast expanse of gut.
“Is the Jubjub what you call the lifecycle for goblins?” I asked, “How does that work, exactly? Do you have to train for it? Or do you just age into it?”
“Each transition has a chance of killing a goblin,” Gak’Nak gave his little goblin physiology lesson, “and gets more dangerous every time we go through the Jubjub. It takes massive amounts of strength to survive, for each change is like a death. If one can conquer death, one can achieve the greatest power of goblin-kind. We goblins are born weaker than most, live angrier, and die sooner, but those that live on can constantly grow in power until they ascend to godhood, like Jubjub the Immortal.”
“Is that your god?” I started to ask, but quickly caught myself. “Wait, wait, wait, I’m getting off the topic. So, fine, you didn’t want to weaken or destroy your clan from the inside. That’s fine. But why choose me specifically? Is it simply because I’m neutral?”
“You’re a strange one, boy.” The chieftain rolled his shoulders as one of his wives moved up his arm to his shoulder, compensating for her tiny height by spider-climbing up the back of the chair. “You’re young, and obviously untrained in both combat and magic, and yet you managed to kill Gojobo without a moment’s preparation. That makes you strong. Very strong. That adds value to my household. Even if they don’t like my decision, my people must respect the power I wield with you now. There wasn’t a lot of love for Gojobo and his… lifestyle, shall we say? He was a bit voracious, and saw the whole tribe’s valuables as his property, regardless of who really owned them. Food, clothes, women, all were his to use and dispose of as he pleased. But he was strong, and my flesh and blood, so they tolerated him for my sake, and I tolerated him out of necessity of the clan. But you provide a strange and golden opportunity to change that for the better.”
“Not that I’m not grateful for the chance to live,” I politely redirected the conversation, “I am. I very much like living. It’s one of my favorite things to do at every hour of every day. I just still sense that you’re hiding something from me. Something about your daughter.”
“Yes, well,” Gak’Nak rubbed the back of his neck, “there is one other advantage you will be giving me, regarding her. Perhaps you’ll see when you see her.” He turned his head to the side. “Hikka, dear! Come out here! Papa’s got a suitor for you to see!” The chief turned back to me, leaning in to a more intimate conversational distance and tone. “Please, be kind. She’s very sensitive about her appearance.”
“What about it?” I asked, feeling as though I was about to get the answer.
Coming out of a curtain to the side of the longhouse, a green goblin woman in a buckskin dress came out, covered in frills and fronds acting as accents for the blue and white. She had a complex weave of braids holding most of her dark-green hair, hanging down to the small of her back. Unlike the other goblins, including the women, who all had huge noses to match their ears, this one had a very petite nose, and her ears weren’t quite as long as they stuck sideways out of her head. She was also quite a bit taller than the others, standing about four feet tall, while most other goblins were only pushing two, and the hobgoblins were all nearly six. Besides that, she had a condensed frame, being very endowed in her hips with a small waste. I hadn’t the foggiest what Gak’Nak was talking about. Everything about her was ravishing, like Delilah, but in a more cute sort of way.
“Hikka, this is the suitor who you’ll be wedded to.” Gak’Nak introduced me to his daughter. “Jeremiah, this is my eldest daughter. As you can see, her appearance isn’t quite what most of the goblin suitors of the tribe are looking for. But, I figured, you either have to marry her or I kill you, so that settles it for me.”
“You could have done that with any of the men in the village,” I reminded him, “I’m sure that a death threat from you would motivate anyone for miles around. Why not do that before?”
“I wanted to let my daughters pick their husbands,” Gak’Nak explained his reasoning, “but no one has wanted to court her hand yet, and the circumstances here require I do something drastic to fix that. I can’t pass up on having such a potentially powerful mage as an ally, and I need some insurance that you’ll stick around and answer my summons if I ever need you. So, here you are, marrying Hikka. Papa’s so sorry about this, my little snakefruit. I would have given you over to a nice goblin if I could. At least he’s a powerful mage.”
“It is okay, Papa,” Hikka’s voice was like a mouse asking for change to buy some food. God, just hearing it made me want to give her all of my worldly possessions. “It is an honor to help the clan prosper, and I am glad to have a husband.” She turned to me. “Jeremiah, thank you for accepting my father’s proposal of my hand in marriage. I know that I am not… very sightly… to look at, but I will help you and your household in any way I can. I do not expect you to wish to mate with me as one of my duties, but I can cook for you, and--”
“No, no, we can totally make that one of your duties,” I stopped her, not wanting to lose what was our right as a ‘married couple’ to do in a sea of misunderstanding, “except, how about this: instead of it being a duty, how about we have it be something we both enjoy? Does that sound good to you? I know I’m not a goblin and all, but I think we’d still have fun.”
“I-I’m sorry,” Hikka stuttered, obviously glancing over the possibility I’d just laid out and moving to the grandest misinterpreted option as a polite gesture, “I certainly do enjoy cooking, and I suppose, but if you also enjoy cooking--”
“I hate cooking,” I made myself abundantly clear, “That is not what I’m talking about. I am talking about the ‘mating’ thing. That can be one of your duties. In fact, let’s just make that one of your duties now. Except, maybe later, we’ll discuss more what I mean when I call something a ‘duty’ in terms of this ‘marriage’ thing. I’m not going to command you to do me, but I still want that.”
“Jeremiah from Earth, I am grateful for your kind gesture,” Gak’Nak chuckled that embarrassed kind of chuckle, “but both Hikka and I will understand if you do not want to sleep with her as part of this agreement. I merely need an excuse to send her off with you when you leave here, as she’ll be keeping an eye on you and reporting to me. I can contact her if I need you, too. I apologize for not making that clearer. You don’t need to pretend to want to sleep with her. I don’t need you raising her hopes up like that.”
“Sooooooo,” I tried to hide my growing disappointment at the revelation, “are you saying that I can’t ‘mate’ with her? At all? Ever? She’s off the table? My own wife? Hardly seems fair. I mean, that was a common thing back on Earth, but not because of political machinations. Just loveless marriages. I thought it might be just a tad different here.”
“Do you want to mate with her?” Gak’Nak squinted his eyes with disbelief, as if trying to see the hidden image of an optical illusion. “Keep in mind that I do not take kindly to these sorts of jests, Jeremiah from Earth. There will be nothing else you will regret more, I assure you. You will learn exactly how I managed to earn my own Rite of War Blood in the fullest detail upon your bones.”
“I don’t think I can overstate how much I’d like to sleep with her,” I said, doing everything in my power not to sound creepy about this increasingly strange situation. The sooner I stopped talking to her dad about this topic, the better
I was going to feel. “I am very much a fan of the idea. If she’s going to be my wife, I think I would like to take full advantage of the fact. Is that not my right, as the husband of my own bride?”
“You…” Hikka eeked out, “you want to mate with me?”
“Yes!” I restated for what felt like the hundredth time, “I want to sleep with you! How is this such a difficult concept to understand? Just by status alone, I’d have thought people would have already tried to court her, but looking at her now, I’m certain that every goblin of your village is either blind or an idiot. Or both! I’m willing to bet it’s the second one for all of them. Too weak to fight their way into the chiefdom, and too stupid to realize the amazing opportunity Hikka presents here as the total package. Your tribe really is the worst.”
“Is that right?” the skeptical chieftain stroked his chin, apparently just flabbergasted at the idea that I was more than ready and willing. “You want to mate with Hikka? I don’t know what you’re scheming, Jeremiah from Earth, but my good graces are not so easily won with honeyed words and grandiose gestures. We goblins are not ones to stand by on ceremony and decorum. Hikka has grown up her whole life with no suitors coming to call for her, and I won’t allow you to break her heart with this foul trick--”
“Alright, I’ve had it with you thinking your daughter’s ugly,” I snapped, “you think it’s cruel of me to say that I want to sleep with her? Imagine how awful it must be to have everyone you’ve ever known, including your own father, tell you that you’re not good enough to be loved, to be a part of your own tribe. Imagine how shameful it must have been for her to think that she would never be able to fulfill her role, and that she had to be hidden away because of her looks. That is her main duty as a chieftain’s daughter, right? She’s supposed to get married to a powerful goblin and grow the family, and yet she’s getting constant reminders from everyone around her, from what I’ve seen, that she’s never going to do that on her own. Hell, if you had just brought her out here, or if I accidentally spied on her just walking around outside, I’d have wanted to find a way to get to know her without this Rite of War Blood. She looks amazing, and I’m not going to tolerate anyone telling her otherwise anymore. She deserves to feel as good as I do when I look at her. I can’t wait to get to know her better. Now, if this marriage thing is all settled,” I swept Hikka off her feet literally, bringing a bright red blush to her emerald cheeks, “I’m going to go consummate this union properly. As long as Hikka is okay with this. Hikka, are you okay with this?”
“Are we kidnapping the chief’s daughter?” Delilah, only half paying attention to the situation without a way to understand the language, woke up from her stupor to bathe in the tension in the air. “Thank the gods, I’ve been waiting for something to do.” She ignited the lightning of her hands and feet, causing all of the guards posted at the support beams of the longhouse to point their various weapons at her. “I think I can distract the big guy long enough for the two of you to--”
“Stand down, Delilah!” I shouted before she got into the full swing of her rampage, “I’m making a dramatic point, not kidnapping Hikka. This was just a grand gesture I was using as a way of breaking the social norms and stigmas that have grown around Hikka’s appearance being undesirable for other goblins simply because she’s non-traditionally built like them. No actual hostilities.”
“They’re not talking about this goblin girl here, right?” Delilah pointed at Hikka. “That vision of emerald beauty right before all of us that I’m a little jealous of? Do goblins just hate beautiful things? That must be it.”
“That’s what I’ve been saying!” I said, looking at the goblin girl. “You’re a vision of emerald beauty, Hikka. Direct quote from my companion over there. She even said she was a little jealous of you.”
“Oh, my,” the goblin princess covered her face and her embarrassment, “I don’t know what to say.”
“I’m sure the words will be coming to you in just a bit.” I said, heading to the curtain Hikka had entered from. “Gak’Nak, is there a ceremony we have to go through before we’re married, or is this official already?”
“Oh, um…” The stunned chief shook himself free of his stupor, bringing out his arms to something of a ceremonial position. “‘May you bring power and prosperity to our tribe. You leave this house to join another and strengthen us all with your courage. May Jubjub protect and provide for your offspring, and may you live many years of prosperity and strength.’ I think that settles it. You’re married. There are still other rituals to consider, but that is the barest of the bones.”
“Awesome!” I turned to Delilah, pointing at her with a finger from under Hikka. “Don’t break anything while I’m gone. Unless someone lets you fight them. You can break them as much as you want. See if there’s some kind of dueling ritual you can participate in with a few of these guys. I’m sure that’s a thing with this strength-warrior culture.” Another swivel back to Gak’Nak. “Can you feed my friend here? And also, I’d like to eat something at some point, if that’s not too much to ask.”
“We’ve just had a wedding!” The shortest of the chief’s brides shouted, sounding about as ancient as the tomb we were all in. “We have to celebrate it quickly, before the dark spirits come upon our tribe for not respecting them! Let’s have a feast! We’ll use that tombstone crab the hunters just caught yesterday. Kiki, you and Newe start decorating. Shimbwa, you and the others go find some entertainment. Go, use your unreasonably loud voice to tell everyone to prepare for a party!”
“CAN DO!” Go, roundest of the brides, had a voice that was, in fact, unreasonably loud.
While they made the preparations, I pushed Hikka through the curtain and into the hallway of fabric leading to what must have been her room. As a whole, it was about the size of a walk-in closet, mostly just the bed alongside a chest full of clothes as the only things besides us in the space. The bed itself was fairly nice, being a thick mattress full of what must have been very plush and downy feathers. Just looking at it made me think of a fluffy and cozy cloud. And I was about to rough that cloud up as I threw my new bride onto it.
“That was quite the display, Jeremiah from Earth,” Hikki got herself back up from my mighty toss, politely coming to the edge of the mattress and hanging her legs over it. “I am sure Papa is very convinced of your affinity for our tribe, now. Very clever, indeed. I have never seen him so out of sorts before. I do not believe that anyone has been so forceful with him since Gojobo, but he was angry with everyone, and not as well-spoken as you. I heard that you killed him not too long ago.”
“Sorry about that,” I said, sitting next to her and still dumbfounded by her insistence of my inauthenticity. “You guys were siblings, right? I would have tried to avoid it if he hadn’t charged at me right out of the gate. Although, honestly, I don’t really feel bad about it. In my defense, he was a dick.”
“I harbor no ill will towards you,” she assured me, “Gojobo was, indeed, a ‘dick.’ That means something insulting, I assume?”
“Yeah.”
“I am fairly happy that he is gone,” Hiki continued, “and even more so that I have a husband now. I was afraid that it would never happen, but now the day has finally come. Is this how you believed your own wedding would be like? I am sure you must have expected a grand ceremony, with your powers and skills.”
“I’ve noticed that you’re stalling with a conversation,” I abandoned the stick beating around the bush to dive right into it, “if I’m going too fast for you, you can say so now and at any time onward. I don’t want to rush into anything you don’t want to do.”
“Jeremiah, you are far too kind for such a homely goblin,” Hikki sighed, “I could not have dared to wish that I could have found a suitor half as kind as you before now, or a husband half as considerate of my feelings and desires. You do not need to pretend anymore with me. I am more than happy with giving of my talents instead of my body, as long as it pleases you as my husband. I’ve train
ed in many skills that will be useful around your household in preparation for this day, so you’ll never feel as if I’m a burden--”
“Hikki, I’m not pretending.” I laughed. “I want to do this. I really want to do this. As long as you want to do this, too. I’m not going to force anything that I think you wouldn’t enjoy, but I am not above pushing the envelope a little to get things going, if only to show you how much I really want to do this. Maybe we haven’t known each other for very long, but I’m excited to see where this goes.”
“What do you mean?” the goblin bride asked me, “Are you going to take me somewhere?”
“Not anywhere geographically specific,” I explained, “but once you and I get to know each other a bit better, I think the bond we end up sharing is going to be exciting to see.”
“I do not think I will live up to your lofty expectations, Jeremiah from Earth,” Hikki rubbed her hands together nervously, “I am not nearly as impressive as you are. I am afraid that you will not find so much gratification from my contributions to sustain these expectations of me.”
“There’s no pressure to perform.” I placed a hand on her thigh. “We are just seeing where this takes us. Especially right now. We don’t need to do anything we don’t want to. Hell, I’ll just sit here and look at you, if that’s all you’re comfortable with. I’m flexible and am very easily entertained.”