The Shaggy Dog and Other Murders

by Fredric Brown

  The chief waited politely. At long last he turned to a grinning sergeant. "If that little guy ever gets through talking," he said, "tell him about the reward and get his name. I've got to get back to town before morning."

  Teacup Trouble

  Good morning, Mr. Gupstein. My name is Wilson. Some of my friends around at police headquarters call me Slip Wilson; you know how those things get started.

  You see, Mr. Gupstein, my regular lawyer gave me your name and suggested I see you if I needed anything while he was away. And I need legal advice.

  No, my lawyer isn't on vacation, or not exactly. He's in jail, Mr. Gupstein.

  But here's what I want to know. I've got a diamond stickpin with a stone about the size of a flashlight bulb. I want to find out if I can make a deal for nearly what it's worth or whether I'll have to push it through a fence for whatever I can get. The difference ought to amount to maybe a couple of grand, Mr. Gupstein.

  How'd I get it? Well, in a manner of speaking, Mr. Gup-stein, it was given to me by a teacup. But that's hard for you to understand so maybe I'd better start farther back.

  I first saw this guy in the elevator at Brandon's. He was a big bozo, about six feet between the straps of his spats and the band of his derby. And big all over. He wasn't over twenty-five years old either.

  But what made me notice him was his glims. He had the biggest, softest baby-blue eyes I ever saw. Honest, they made him look like a cherub out of a stained-glass window. I guess I mean a cherub—you know, one of those plump little brats with wings sprouting from behind the ears?

  No, Mr. Gupstein, he didn't have wings from behind his ears. I just mean he had that kind of eyes and that kind of a look in his face.

  We both got off at the main floor, and I happened to reach into my pocket for a fag. And they weren't there. I'd just put my cigarette case in that pocket when I'd got in the elevator, too. So I quick dived a hand into my inside pocket.

  Yeah, my billfold was gone too.

  I don't know whether you can imagine just how that made me feel, Mr. Gupstein. Me, Slip Wilson, being picked clean like a visiting fireman! I hadn't even been bumped into, either, and the elevator hadn't been crowded. And I'd thought I was good!

  Huh? Yeah, Mr. Gupstein, that's my profession. Until I got out of that elevator, I thought I was the best leather-goods worker this side of the Hudson Tunnel. You can figure how I felt. Me, Slip Wilson, picked cleaner than a mackerel in a home for undernourished cats.

  Well, I took a quick gander around and I spotted my companion of the elevator ride disappearing through the door to the street. I hightailed after him.

  A block farther on, where it wasn't so crowded, I caught up and asked him for a match. I'd forgotten for the mo-ment that my cigarettes were gone and I didn't have any-thing to light with it, but he didn't seem to notice the difference.

  I made a crack about the weather, and since we seemed to be going in the same direction, friendship ripened into thirst and I asked him to stop in at a tavern for a drink.

  He paid for it, too, out of a wallet that needed reducing exercises. We agreed that the Scotch was lousy, so I in-vited him around to my apartment so I could show him the merits of my favorite brand. Funny, but we seemed to hit it off together from the start like bacon and eggs.

  When we got there, he flops into my favorite chair, nearly breaking the springs, and makes himself at home.

  "I say, old chap," he says. "We haven't introduced our-selves. My name is Cadwallader Van Aylslea."

  Well, Mr. Gupstein, you've heard of the Van Aylsleas; they own half this island and have a mortgage on more. Every time Old Man Van Aylslea stubs his toe getting out of bed after breakfast, the market drops ten points.

  So I grinned sarcastic at him. "Glad to know you, Cad-wallader," I said. "I'm the Rajah of Rangoon."

  Without batting an eye, he pipes up that he's glad to know me and how are things in my native land. For the first time, Mr. Gupstein, I began to suspect.

  I'd been looking right into those baby-blue glims, and I could see he wasn't spoofing. He took himself at face value and he took me that way too. And I began to add up a few other little things he'd said, and I saw he was off his trolley.

  But trolley or no, I wanted my money back. So I sort of accidentally got a couple of kayo drops tangled in his next Scotch. And I steered clear of doubtful topics of conver-sation until he leaned back in the chair and blinked a few times, and then closed his eyes and exposed his tonsils to the afternoon breeze.

  I waited a few minutes to be sure, and then I put every-thing in his pockets into a neat little pile on the table.

  Listen, Mr. Gupstein. There were seven billfolds, four of them fat ones. There were five watches, my cigarette case, and an assortment of junk ranging from a pair of pink garters to a bag of glass marbles. Not mentioning jewelry.

  The billfolds added up to almost a grand, and what of the other stuff was valuable would have brought half of that from any fence this side of Maiden Lane.

  To top it off there is a rock in his cravat that looks to be worth ten times all the rest of the haul put together. I'd noticed it before, of course, but it hadn't occurred to me that it might be the McCoy. But when I looked at it close, you could have knocked me down with a busted flush. It wasn't just a diamond, Mr. Gupstein. It was blue-white and flawless.

  I put it with the rest and sat there looking at the pile goggle-eyed. If that was one day's haul, he was one of the seven wonders of the Bronx.

  And all I had to do was let him sleep. All I had to do was wrap up my toothbrush, fill my pockets with the dough and the jewelry on the table, and head for Bermuda. With a grand in cash to buy pancakes until I could get a market for the rock.

  All I had to do was blow. And I didn't.

  I guess curiosity has hooked better guys than me, Mr. Gupstein. I wanted to know what it was all about. I had a roscoe that 1 never carried, and I got it out of mothballs, looked to the priming, and sat down. I was determined to find out who and what he was, and damn the torpedoes.

  I guess his big bulk helped him to throw off the shut-eye-juice sooner than most. It wasn't but an hour before he sat up and opened his eyes and began to rub his forehead.

  "Funny," he muttered. "Sorry, but I must have dropped off. Horribly rude."

  Then he lamped the pile of boodle on the table, and I tightened the grip of my roscoe. But he merely blinked.

  "Where'd all this stuff come from, Rajah?" His voice sounded as puzzled as his eyes looked. "Why, some of it is mine." He reached over and picked up the fattest wallet, the diamond tiepin, and a few other trifles.

  "It came out of your pockets, my fine-feathered friend," I assured him. "Before that, it seems to have come from a number of places."

  He sighed. Then he looked at me like a dog that knows it needs a beating. "All right, Rajah," he said. "I may as well admit it. I'm a kleptomaniac. I take things and don't even know it. That's why I'm not allowed out at home. This morning I got away from them."

  The eyes had me again. He was telling the truth, and he looked like a kid that expected to be told to go sit in a corner. And if that was true . . .

  I sat up suddenly. An electric light seemed to be turned on inside my head. "Let me see that wallet you say is yours," I barked at him.

  He handed it over like a lamb. I looked at the identifi-cation. Yes, Mr. Gupstein. Cadwallader Van Aylslea. Plenty of identification to prove it.

  "Listen, Rajah," he was begging. "Don't send me back. They keep me a prisoner there. Let me stay here with you for a while anyway before I go back."

  By that time I was pacing up and down the room. I had an idea, and my idea was having pups.

  I looked at him for a long minute before I opened up.

  "Listen, Cadwallader," I told him, "I'll let you stay here on a few terms. One is that you never go out unless we go together. If you happen to pinch anything, 111 take care of it and see that it goes back where it belongs. I'm a whiz at telling where things like t
hat belong, Cadwallader."

  "Gee, that's swell of you. I—"

  "And another thing," I went on. "If and when you're found by your folks, you'll never mention me. You'll tell them you don't remember where you've been. Same goes; for cops. Okay?"

  He wrung my hand so hard I thought I'd lose a finger.

  I took all the stuff from the table, except what he said was his, out to the kitchen. I put all the currency in my own billfold, and put the empties and the junk in the in-cinerator. I put the jewelry where I usually keep stuff like that.

  All in all, it was still nearly a thousand bucks. And he'd collected it in a couple of hours or so, I figured. I began to add figures and count unhatched chickens until I got dizzy.

  "Cadwallader," I said, when I came back to the living room. "I've got an errand downtown. Want to come with me?"

  He did. Until almost dark I led him through crowded stores and gave him every chance; to acquit himself nobly. And I kept him clear of counters where he might fill valuable space in his pockets with cheap junk.

  It was something of a shock when I got in the taxi to take him back home with me, to discover my wallet was gone again. So were my cigarettes, but I had enough change loose in a trouser pocket to pay the cab.

  I grinned to myself, Mr. Gupstein, but it was a grin of chagrin. Twice in one day I'd been robbed and hadn't known it.

  "Now, Cadwallader, my boy," I said when we were safely in my apartment, "I'll trouble you for my leather back, and if by any chance you collared anything else, give it to me and I'll see that it is all returned where it belongs."

  He began to feel in his pockets and an embarrassed look spread over his face. He smiled but it was a sickly-looking smile.

  "I'm afraid I haven't got your wallet, Rajah," he said after he'd felt all around. "If you say it's gone, I must have taken it on the way downtown, but I haven't it now."

  I remembered all the sugar in that billfold, and, Mr. Gupstein, I must have let out a howl that could have been heard on Staten Island if it had been a clear night. I forgot he was more than twice my size, and I stepped right up and frisked him and I didn't miss a bet.

  Then I did it again. Every pocket was as empty as an alderman's cigar box the day after election. I didn't be-lieve it, but there it was.

  I pushed him back into a chair. I thought of getting my roscoe but I didn't think I'd need it. I felt mad enough to peel the hide off a tiger bare-handed.

  "What's the gag?" I demanded. "Talk fast."

  He looked like a four-year-old caught with a jam pot. "Sometimes, Rajah, but not often, my kleptomania works sort of backward. I put things from my own pockets in other people's. It's something I've done only a few times, but this must have been one of them. I'm awfully sorry."

  I sighed and sat down. I looked at him, and I guess I wasn't mad any longer. It wasn't his fault. He was telling the truth; I could see that with half an eye. And I could see, too, that he was just about three times as far off his rocker as I'd given him credit for.

  Still and all, Mr. Gupstein, I still liked the guy. I began to wonder if I was getting mushy above the eyebrows myself.

  Oh well, I thought, I can get the dough back by taking him out a few more times. He'd said his kleptomania didn't go into reverse often. And if I'd start out broke each time, it couldn't do any harm.

  So that was that, but after I'd counted all those chickens it was a discouraging evening. You can see that, Mr. Gupstein. I got out a deck of cards and taught him how to play cribbage and he beat me every game until I began to get bored. I decided to pump him a bit.

  "Listen, Cadwallader," I began.

  "Cadwallader?" he pops back. "That isn't my name." It caught me off guard. "Huh?" says I. "You're Cadwal-lader Van Aylslea!"

  "Who's he? I fear there is a mistake of identity."

  He was sitting up straight, looking very intently at me, and his right hand had slid between the third and fourth buttons of his shirt. I should have guessed, of course, but I didn't.

  But I decided to humor him. "Who are you, then?"

  A shrewd look came into his eyes as he swept back from his forehead a lock of hair that wasn't

  there. "It escapes me for the moment," he temporized. "But no, I shall not lie to you, my friend. I remember, of course, but it is best that I remain incognito."

  I began to wonder if I'd bit off more than I could handle. I wondered if he had these spells often, and if so, how I should handle him.

  "For all of me," I said a bit disgustedly, "you can re-main anything you want. I'm going out for a paper."

  It was time for the morning papers to be out, eleven-thirty, and I wanted to see if any mention was made of a search for a missing nut from the Van Aylslea tree. There wasn't.

  I hate to tell you about the next morning, Mr. Gupstein.

  When I woke up, there was Cadwallader standing in his undershirt looking out of the window. His right hand was thrust inside his undershirt and he had a carefully coiled spitcurl on his forehead. When he heard me sit up in bed, he turned majestically.

  "My good friend," he said, "I have thought it over and I've decided that I may cast aside anonymity and reveal to you in confidence my true identity."

  Yeah, Mr. Gupstein, you guessed it. Why do so many nuts think they are Napoleon? Why don't some of them pick on Eddie Cantor or Mussolini?

  I didn't know, and of course it would have been useless to ask him, whether this delusion was something tem-porary that he'd been through before, or whether it was here to stay.

  I got dressed quick and after breakfast I locked him in to keep him safe from English spies, and I went out and sat in the park to think.

  I could, of course, take him out and lose him some-where and wash my hands of the matter. The cops would pick him up and he'd tell them he'd been staying with the Rajah of Rangoon, if he told them anything even that lucid. Stuff like that goes over big at headquarters.

  But I didn't want to do that, Mr. Gupstein. Funny as it sounds, I liked the guy, and I had a hunch that if he had right treatment he'd get over this stage and go back to good old kleptomania. And he belonged there, Mr. Gupstein. It would be a shame for technique like his to go to waste.

  And I remembered, too, that if I could get him back to normal, such as normal was, I could clean up enough in a week or two to retire. As it was, I was out a couple of hundred bucks of my own dough.

  Then I had my big idea. You can't argue with a nut. Or maybe you can, Mr. Gupstein, because you're a lawyer, but I couldn't. But my idea was this: How could two guys both be Napoleon? If you put two Napoleons in the same cell, wouldn't one of them outtalk the other? And wouldn't the guy who had the delusion longest be the best talker?

  I went around to the bank and drew some dough and then I hunted up a private sanitarium and a bit of fast talking got me an audience in private with the head cheese.

  "Have you got any Napoleons here?" I asked him.

  "Three of them," he admitted, looking me over like he was wondering if I'd dispute their claims to that identity. "Why?"

  I leaned forward confidentially. "I have a very dear friend who has the same delusion. I think if he were shut up with another guy who has prior claim on the same idea, he might be talked out of it. They can't both be Napoleon, you know."

  "Such a procedure," he said, "would be against medical ethics. We couldn't possibly—"

  I took a roll of bills from my pocket and held them under his nose. "A hundred dollars," I suggested, "for a three-day trial; win, lose, or draw."

  He looked offended. He opened his mouth to turn me down, but I could see his eyes on the frogskins.

  "Plus, of course," I added, "the regular sanitarium fees for the three days. The hundred dollars as an honorarium to you personally for taking an interest in the experiment."

  "It couldn't possibly—" he began, and looked at me expectantly to see if I was going to cut in and raise the ante. I stood pat; that was all I wanted to invest. There was silence while I kept holding the bill
s out toward him.

  "—do any harm," he concluded, taking the money. "Can you bring your friend today?"

  Cadwallader was under the bed when I got home. He said the spies had been closing in on the apartment. It took a lot of fast talking to get him out. I had to go and buy him a false mustache and colored glasses for a disguise. And I pulled the shades down in the taxi that took us to the sanitarium.

  It took all my curiosity-tortured will power, Mr. Gup-stein, to wait the full three days, but I did it.

  When I was shown into his office, the doctor looked up sadly.

  "I fear the experiment was a dismal failure," he ad-mitted. "I warned you. The patient still has paranoia."

  "I don't give three shrieks in Hollywood if he still has pyorrhea," I came back. "Does he or does he not still think he's Napoleon?"

  "No," he said. "He doesn't. Come on, I'll let you see for yourself."

  We went upstairs and the doc waited outside while I went into the room to talk to Cadwallader.

  The other Napoleon had already been moved on.

  My blue-eyed wonder was lying on a bed with his head in his mitts, but he sprang up with delight when he saw me.

  "Rajah, old pal," he asked eagerly. "Have you a saucer?"

  "A saucer?" I looked at him in bewilderment.

  "A saucer."

  "What do you want with a saucer?"

  The beginning wasn't promising, but I plowed on. There was one thing interested me most.

  "Are you Napoleon Bonaparte?" I asked him.

  He looked surprised. "Me?"

  I was getting fed up. "Yes, you," I told him.

  He didn't answer, and I could see that his mind, what there was of it, wasn't on the conversation. His eyes were roving around the room.

  "What are you looking for?" I demanded.

  "A saucer."

  "A saucer?"

  "Sure. A saucer."

  The conversation was getting out of hand. "What on earth do you want with a saucer?"

  "So I can sit down, of course."

  "Huh?" I asked, startled.

  "Naturally," he replied. "Can't you see that I'm a teacup?"