by Gina Azzi
I’m going to have a baby.
The thought makes me shake my head as I pull out of the parking lot and onto the street toward Indy’s place. From my peripheral vision, I notice Indy studying me but when I glance over at her, she snaps her head to the passenger window.
She’s freaking out. That’s normal, isn’t it? To be rattled by the news that you’re about to have a baby. An unplanned baby with a partner you’re not even dating.
My grip tightens on the steering wheel and my molars click together. Damn it. Why the hell am I not freaking the fuck out?
Sure, I’m surprised. Shocked really. But not upset. Not rattled.
A baby. I’m going to be a father. The thought makes me grin before an image of my own dad pops into my head. I’ll be nothing like him. Have I been drinking too much lately?
Oh man, I gotta call East. I bet he’ll be over the moon at the news. A little dude to teach hockey to…
Wait, what if it’s a girl. Well, she can play hockey too. Man, a little girl with Indy’s eyes and smile.
This changes everything. Absolutely everything.
Indy and I are going to be parents. Sure, none of this is happening in the order I thought it would but it’s happening. And I’ve always wanted kids. A whole houseful of them.
I shoot a quick glance at Indy. She’s going to be an incredible mother. Everything my mom wasn’t. God, our baby is already so damn lucky.
I pull into a plaza and stop in front of a sandwich and salad shop.
“What are you feeling? Do you have any cravings?” I ask.
Her mouth pulls tight as her eyes narrow at me. She shakes her head. “I’ll just take…a soup.”
“A soup? C’mon babe, you need more than that.”
She flinches at the endearment and lets out a shaky breath. “Soup and sandwich. Not meat. Oh my God.” She smacks her forehead and I frown. “I can’t have lunch meat.”
“What? Why?” I lean toward her.
“It could have a bacteria in it. Listeria. It could harm the baby. And no soft cheeses either, like the unpasteurized ones. I’m not supposed to sleep on my stomach anymore. How am I going to manage that when I turn in my sleep?” She raises her eyebrows at me, her eyes glossing over. “No exercising for the next two months, which I’m sure will be awesome with helping to manage my weight gain.” Her nose wrinkles and she snaps her mouth shut, mashing her lips together. I reach for her hand but she pulls it away. “Just a soup, Noah.”
I hate that she’s stiff and unyielding around me. I can help her. We’re in this together. Doesn’t she understand that? Things are different now. Before, we didn’t want the same things. But now, now we’re having a baby. There will be plenty of time to talk everything through. Right now, I just need to take care of Indy.
Her gaze turns to outside the window again and I open the driver’s side door. “Just a soup,” I agree, leaving the car.
It only takes a few minutes for our order but once I’m back inside the car, the temperature has dropped. A chill exists between Indy and me that was never there before and it pisses me off. I get that she’s scared, overwhelmed, but why won’t she be that way with me? We’re having a baby for crying out loud.
I pull into the parking lot next to Indy’s place and she hops from the car before I even put it in park. Grabbing the takeout, I follow her into her building and up the stairs, swearing when she slips on a step.
She turns around and glares at me. I glare right back.
She’s right. We definitely need to talk.
Indy pushes into her apartment and I follow behind, placing the takeout bag on the kitchen table.
Indy whirls, tapping her foot against the floor, her arms crossed over her chest. I peer at her, trying to gauge the degree of her freak-out that is clearly on the horizon. “Want to eat first?”
Her face crumples and she dips her head.
Automatically, guilt rises in my throat. “Hey, hey,” I say, keeping my voice soft. But when I step toward her, her gaze snaps up and her expression has changed. Hardened. She stares at me with pinched lips and narrowed eyes.
“We need to talk, Noah,” she says the words slowly but her voice doesn’t crack. I can tell she’s trying to keep it all together so I oblige and sit down on the couch, waiting for her to say her piece.
Indy doesn’t sit; instead she paces back and forth in front of me. “I’m pregnant.”
I smile. “I know.”
“It’s not funny.”
“I’m not laughing.”
She shoots me a look that would have lesser men withering. She walks to the other side of the coffee table. Spinning toward me, hands on hips, she exhales, “Okay, so, I’ve been thinking about this all day. I’m going to have the baby.”
“Good.”
“And I want you to know that I’ve got this.”
“I trust you,” I say, wondering if this is what she’s after. Does she think that I don’t know that she’ll take good care of our baby? That she won’t put the baby’s needs ahead of her own?
“And I didn’t plan this.”
I rear back. I’d never think she deliberately tried to get pregnant. “I know that.”
“Good. Okay.” She nods, resuming her pacing. “Of course, you can be involved in the baby’s life but I’m not saddling you with any expectations or responsibilities or—”
“What?” I snap. “What the hell are you talking about?”
She sighs, as if I’ve somehow inconvenienced her and I lean forward on the couch, staring at her. “Noah, I’ve worked my ass off for my career.”
“So have I,” I manage evenly, not liking where this conversation is headed.
“Well, I’m not going to drop my whole life, my career, to follow you from city to city while you play hockey.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
She snorts, shaking her head. “Right. Okay, good. Well, you’re going to be gone for a third of the year. Plus all the training camps and fundraisers and events. So, while you’re off doing your thing, the baby and I will be here doing ours and I need to figure it all out so our lives will run smoothly when you’re not here to help.”
Anger begins to simmer in my veins at her tone. At her implications. Does she think I’m just going to abandon her and the baby, run off and play hockey, as if they don’t matter? As if they don’t even exist? “What are you trying to say, Indy?”
“I’m not trying to say anything. I am saying that I’m making a plan for when the baby comes. I will sort out childcare and a schedule. I’ll make a plan for night feedings and how to manage all the doctor appointments. I want you to know that I got this. One hundred percent. Obviously, my parents will help. And that, I’m not asking you for anything, okay? I don’t need your money.”
I sneer.
“Or your guilt.”
“Guilt?” I stand to my feet. “Where is this coming from?”
She waves a hand at my frame. “This. I don’t need the added stress of this. I just wanted to let you know.”
“That’s it?” I chuckle but it’s hard, condescending. “You just want to tell that you’re pregnant and now I can go on my merry way?”
She shrugs. “It’s not like we’re together, Noah.”
“I know that, Indy.”
“I mean, at your insistence, I have a dinner date with Aiden on Saturday.” She widens her eyes at me.
I pause, glaring at her. “You’re still going?”
She stares at me, incredulous and burning with frustration. “Did you think I was going to just stop having a life because I’m having a baby? What? Do you want me to throw away my career? Toss out opportunities to be in a stable relationship and create a home, a family, for my baby so I can watch you flirt with puck bunnies?”
“What are you even talking about?” I explode. Flirt with puck bunnies? Throw away her career? A fucking date with Aiden? “You’re not making any sense, Indiana.” I sit back down and gesture to the spot beside me, trying to stay c
alm, when inside, I can hear my goddamn pulse in my eardrums. She thinks I’d abandon her.
And is she fucking kidding me? Create a family with another man to raise my kid?
“I’m making plenty of sense,” she throws back, walking around the coffee table again. “I’m having a baby and I’m making a plan. I’m being responsible.”
My mouth drops open and I shake my head at the fury in her voice.
“Indy, this happened, okay? It’s no one’s fault.”
Her eyes tear up as she glares at me but I can’t tell if they’re in anger or sadness or…pure frustration. “I know that, Noah. I just, I need you to understand how this is going to go.”
I lean back, folding my arms over my chest and flip my chin at her. “Okay. How’s it going to go?”
She stops moving and faces me head-on. This time, when she speaks, her voice is clear and it scrapes at me even more. “The baby and I are going to live here. My mom will come to help me for the first few weeks as I get settled. Then, I’ll look into childcare options although I’m sure once I tell my parents, Mom will offer to watch the baby while I’m at work. When you’re in town, you can come over and spend time with the baby or we can arrange play dates at your house. I won’t get in your way with any girls you’d like to date but I ask that you don’t bring random women around our child. And I’ll do the same. With men, I mean. I—”
I spring up again, cutting her off. “So you’ve got this all figured out, huh?” I grab my wallet and phone off the kitchen table.
“Well, yeah, Noah. I’m the one having the baby. I need to think about—”
“So, what you’re saying is, you really don’t need me, want me, for anything?” I spit out, praying the answer is a strong hell no. Give me something to work with, Indy.
Instead, Indy shrugs.
I chuckle again, striding toward the door. “Whatever, Indy. I guess you don’t need anyone, right? You have all the answers, all the solutions.” I reach for the doorknob, rattling it. My anger pours from my fingertips like hot water. Scalding and burning. Blistering and hurting.
“Where are you going?” Her voice wavers once and I turn around.
“It looks like you’ve got it all figured out. What the hell do you need me for, right? I mean, it’s not like I’m the father or anything,” I bite out, pulling the door wide open. “Call me when you want to have an actual conversation, Indy,” I throw out over my shoulder before storming from her place.
I bound down the stairs, my head thumping. I know I’m being stupid. I should stay and talk to her, talk through this with her. But she doesn’t seem interested in hearing anything I have to say.
She doesn’t seem interested in anything except her goddamn schedule and life plans. None of which include me.
Throw away her career. Create a family. With another fucking man.
Is she out of her mind?
I fume, throwing myself behind the wheel of my car.
I know I messed up when I pushed Indy toward Aiden. But now that she’s pregnant, things are different. I never wanted to let her go and now, no matter what, we’ll always be connected.
So why the hell is she trying so hard to cut me from her life completely?
As if I don’t belong in it? As if I’d even go.
27
Indy
“That’s your best reaction?” Aiden goads me as he strikes another awkward, nowhere near stylish pose, in front of my apartment door.
I snort, forcing myself to smile when I really feel like crying. I haven’t spoken to Noah since Thursday night and today, I regret not answering his calls and text messages.
It was stupid of my delusional heart to think the knock on the door could have been Noah. Not when Aiden messaged me that he was on his way over to pick me up for dinner.
“I’m wearing a pocket square.” Aiden jabs at his chest, where I imagine he’s all decked out in a fancy blazer under his winter coat. I roll my eyes and turn to grab my coat and scarf from the hook.
“What’s going on with you?” Aiden asks. The door closes behind him and I wrap my scarf around my neck.
“Nothing,” I sigh.
“We don’t have to go tonight. I thought you’d want to get out a little. It was nice of the hockey guy to give up his reservation…”
I spin around and glare at my best friend.
“Ah, so hockey guy got your attention?” He smirks and it’s annoying as hell.
“His name is Noah.”
“And…?”
“And nothing.” I shrug on my coat and button it up.
Aiden chuckles. “Yeah right, Indy. There’s so much you’re not telling me but it’s cool…we’ve got all of dinner to talk about it.”
I stick my tongue out at him and glide past. He chuckles as he locks my apartment door.
For the entire drive to The Ivy, my thoughts revolve around Noah. Why didn’t he fight harder for me? For us? Why didn’t I give him a chance to weigh in on anything? How does he even feel about me being pregnant?
Aiden grumbles next to me and I know he’s trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. But I don’t have the energy to clue him in. Right now, I’m tired. Emotionally drained and physically ill. I feel like I could cry at any second, which pisses me off and makes the tears swell stronger.
I drop my head to the cold glass of the window and watch the snow swirl outside.
“Indy?” Aiden’s voice is soft. His hand finds mine and he squeezes my fingers. “Is this sass because of a guy issue or a work-related tiff? Or is it something deeper?”
I glance at him and his eyes pierce mine, filled with concern.
“You hurt, Indy girl?” he asks and I don’t miss the break in his voice.
Aiden has been my go-to guy for forever. Even when we were awkward preteens and the usual puberty shit blew up between us, we managed to wade through it. But I don’t know how to tell him this. I don’t know how to tell anyone other than Claire because, no judgement, and Noah, because hey, he’s the dad.
And look how freaking awful that turned out.
“Do you need help?” Aiden continues, the pressure of his grip increasing. His laughter from earlier has faded and now a severity I’m unfamiliar with lines his usually amiable face.
“Can we talk at The Ivy?” I ask in a small voice. I hate how unsure I sound. I hate how unconfident I feel.
“Of course, babe.” Aiden gives one last squeeze before dropping my hand. “We can do whatever you want.”
We drive the rest of the way in silence but once we’re seated in the ridiculously trendy restaurant and I pass on wine, Aiden knows something real is up.
“What’s going on?” he demands as soon as the server steps away with our drink orders.
I sigh, my best way to emote these days. My fingers fiddle with the edge of the linen napkin as I force myself to meet Aiden’s gaze. “I need you to stay calm, okay?”
“Are you sick?” he blurts out, paling.
I shake my head.
“Jesus, Indy. Fine, yeah, I’ll stay calm,” Aiden lies.
I offer him a small smile to reassure both of us and whisper, “I’m pregnant.”
Aiden stares at me in shock for two blinks before he erupts in laughter.
Laughter!
He folds to the side and shakes his head, his loud chortle drawing looks from nearby patrons. “Christ, Indiana. That was good. That was good. You really had me going. My God, you haven’t put that much depth into a role since you played Scarlett O’Hara sophomore year at the—”
“I’m serious, Aid,” I cut him off, irritated that he’d think I’d make this up. That I’d just invent a baby.
He pinches the insides of his eyes, his laughter trailing off.
I clear my throat.
An awkward pause hovers over the table, only broken by the impeccable timing of our server. “Do you have any questions about the menu or are you all set to order?”
“We still need a few minutes,” Aiden re
plies, his eyes trained on me. Once she’s out of earshot, Aiden hisses, “You’re fucking serious?”
I nod, fisting the cloth napkin.
Aiden zeroes in on the movement and blows out a long exhale. “Who is he?”
“Who?” I ask.
“The father.” He gives me an impatient look. “I swear to God, Indiana, if some asshole left you high and dry, I will—”
“It’s Noah.”
“The hockey guy?”
I nod and Aiden gapes.
“Wait a second.” He holds up a hand. “Are you telling me that you and the hockey guy—”
“Noah.”
“Had a one-night stand and you invited him to your parents’ house for Thanksgiving?”
I clear my throat. “It wasn’t a one-night stand.”
“You’re dating him?”
“I wouldn’t say dating,” I backtrack.
“Indiana, stop being coy. What the hell is going on?” Aiden demands, some color returning to his face.
“We’ve been seeing each other. Casually,” I explain.
“How casual?”
I scrunch my nose. What kind of question is that? I err on the side of caution. “Medium.”
Aiden squints at me. “You don’t make any sense.”
“Neither do you.”
He shakes his head. “Why the hell did he give us his reservation? For a minute, it felt like he was trying to set us up. Wait a minute…” Aiden’s eyes widen. “Is he trying to pawn you and the baby off?”
“Thanks a lot,” I huff, now annoyed that Aiden thinks I am someone who can just be pawned off. With a child no less.
“Does he know about the baby?” Aiden wonders aloud.
“Did you have a chance to look over the menu?” The server returns.
I snort and Aiden glares, ordering us two steaks. “You can eat that, right?” he asks me and I nod. “I can’t believe we’re dining here and I didn’t even look at the menu,” he grumbles.
“You could have.” I nudge the wine list closer to him.
He rolls his eyes and stares at me. “I want the full story, Indy. From the beginning. I want to know what’s going on and then I want you to tell me exactly what you need.”