by Erika Wilde
Guilt swamped him, making him weak in the knees. She’d been attacked, and he hadn’t been there to protect her, even though he’d set the house alarm. The realization hit him like a swift punch to his gut. He knew what Chad was capable of and had sworn to keep Natalie safe, yet he’d left her alone and vulnerable to the other man.
Would she ever forgive him for being so careless with her life?
Natalie glanced beyond the police officers in front of her, her eyes widening when she saw him standing there. Both men followed her line of vision, and perceiving Noah as a threat, they placed a hand on their holstered weapons and narrowed their shrewd gazes on him.
“Who are you?” one of the blue-uniformed men asked.
Noah raised his hands, making sure that the officers saw that he was carrying a revolver beneath his untucked shirt so it didn’t come as a surprise to them later. “I’m the owner of the house, and Natalie is my fiancée.”
“Are you licensed to carry a concealed weapon?” the other officer demanded.
“Yes, sir.” Very slowly, Noah withdrew his wallet, showing the men his identification and his PI badge. “Can I have a few moments alone with her, please?”
Still skeptical, one of the officers asked Natalie, “Do you know him, ma’am?”
She nodded jerkily, apparently still in shock from all that had happened. “Yes, I do. I’ll be fine with him.”
As soon as the two men exited the kitchen, Noah pulled Natalie up from the chair and wrapped her in his arms. He felt the steady beat of her heart against his chest and absorbed the warmth of her body, the scent of her skin. Then he pulled back and searched her face, needing confirmation that she was unharmed, despite the harrowing way things looked.
“Did Chad hurt you in any way?” he asked, his muscles tensing at the possibility.
“Mostly, he just scared me,” she said softly, and managed a slight smile, though her body language was too guarded with him compared to her open, candid personality of the past week.
She sat back down and smoothed her tousled hair away from her face. “Did you happen to get a look at Chad?” she asked, a teasing inflection in her tone. “He’s in worse shape than I am.”
He heard the pride in her voice, that she’d fought Chad and won the battle. But where did that leave them? The emotional distance he felt growing between them frustrated Noah, and he hoped her reserve was because of the recent trauma she’d suffered, and not because she was withdrawing from him.
“Yeah, I saw Chad.” He took the chair next to hers. Desperate for some kind of connection to her, he reached for her hand and pressed it between his palms. “Can you tell me what happened?” He needed to know what she’d gone through, if she was truly all right—mentally, emotionally, and physically.
She inhaled a deep breath, but didn’t back down from reliving the nightmare she’d just endured. “He broke in right after you left and tried to attack me,” she began, and filled him in on all the details, right up to the point where Chad had pinned her to the living room floor with the intention of raping her. “When I saw your bronze statue on the coffee table, I knew it was my last chance, so I used it to knock him out cold.”
Noah grinned as he kissed the tips of her fingers, amazed at her tenacity. “You are so incredibly brave, and I’m so proud of you.”
Her chin lifted stubbornly, her internal strength shining through. “I wasn’t about to let him get away with terrorizing me this time.”
“This time?” he echoed, catching her deliberate choice of words. “You remember your past with him?”
“Bits and pieces came back to me,” she said, and shuddered delicately. “Enough for me to recall that he’d had control over me in the past, that he’d been possessive and jealous to the point of being smothering.”
He wondered what else she recollected during the course of the attack. He rolled his shoulders, which did nothing to ease the tension bunching his muscles. “I’m so sorry, Natalie,” he said, his sincere apology a heartfelt plea for her forgiveness.
Her gaze met his steadily, her irises a stunning shade of blue. “What for?”
Her question was too pointed, delving deeper than the surface reasons for his apology, as if she knew much more than she was letting on. There was a wealth of confessions he owed her, but he went with the most obvious reply. “I never should have left you alone.”
“There’s nothing to forgive.” Her smile was sad as she touched her fingers to his cheek in a loving caress. “You can’t protect me forever, Noah. Chad was intent on getting to me, and it was all a matter of time. If not today, then tomorrow, or next week, or next month. And there’s no way you could have known that he’d break into the house.”
Still, guilt ate at him, along with so many regrets. He’d let her down, and in turn had let himself down, as well.
“I’m just glad everything is finally over,” she said with a sigh. “Now we can go back to living normal lives.”
She was glad everything was over? Including them? And what the hell did she mean by them going back to living normal lives—with or without each other? Doubts, uncertainties and old fears flared bright and hot within him, raising his anxiety a few notches.
She gently but firmly pulled her hand from his grasp. “By the way, you don’t have to pretend anymore,” she said quietly.
He stared at her beautiful features, his outward calm belying his inner turmoil. “What do you mean?” His voice was low and rough.
Her shoulder lifted in an attempt at a casual shrug. “About you being my fiancé, and us being engaged.”
Unable to help himself, he winced. “Has all of your memory returned?”
“Enough to remember that you and I weren’t in a relationship before the car accident,” she replied, her cheeks coloring a light shade of pink. “Not an intimate one, anyway.”
Anxious and jumpy at her revelation, he stood and paced the small area in the kitchen. Natalie wasn’t angry, just resigned and accepting of the choices he’d made on her behalf. Choices that had made her intimately his.
“I never should have touched you, or made love to you,” he said, even as he knew he never could have resisted her. He’d tried, only to fail. He’d gotten inside her body, and she’d found her way into his heart.
“I didn’t give you much choice in the matter, Noah,” she said wryly. “I wanted you, and I don’t regret a thing about our affair.”
So, she was going to chalk up their relationship as an erotic, illicit tryst. The thought made him want to haul her over his shoulder again, carry her up to his bedroom and fuck her mindless until she admitted she couldn’t live without him.
“Noah,” she said, interrupting his thoughts and making him realize that she was standing, too. “Why didn’t you tell me the truth about us?”
He released a long breath and explained. He owed her at least that. “It all started at the hospital, as a way for me to get into your room and get information from the doctor about your condition. Once I told him that you were my fiancée I gained access to your room, along with your prognosis. And from there, the fabrication snowballed. The doctor said it was best to let you remember things on your own, and then when I realized you were being stalked, it was the best way to keep you safe and in my care without you insisting you could handle things on your own…which you tried to do a few times, if I remember correctly.”
She ducked her head sheepishly, obviously remembering the way she’d argued with him about going back to work and school. The woman was stubborn and independent—traits that both frustrated and aroused him.
Closing the distance between them, he tucked a finger beneath her chin and lifted her gaze back to his. “Except I didn’t do a very good job of protecting you, did I?”
“I don’t blame you for anything, Noah.” She bit her bottom lip, her eyes shining with emotions he couldn’t define. “If anything, I owe you for taking me in when I had no one else to take care of me. I couldn’t have asked for a better bodyguard than
you’ve been to me.”
His jaw clenched with irritation. He didn’t want her damn gratitude, or have his role in her life reduced to guardian. He ached to tell her again that he loved her, but would she even believe him, or just assume it had all been part of the ruse of their intimate relationship? And what of her declaration spoken in the heat of passion last night? Were her feelings for him real, or just part of what she’d perceived to be true before she learned actual reality today?
He was terrified to find out. Terrified of having fallen in love with this woman, only to lose her.
“I think I’ve imposed long enough,” she went on pragmatically, looking away so he couldn’t gauge her expression. “And now that Chad is going to be prosecuted and behind bars, there’s no reason for me to stay here with you. As soon as the police are done questioning me, I think I should leave and go back to my own place.”
He shoved his fingers deep into the front pockets of his jeans and forced himself to ask, “Are you sure that’s what you want?” He left the beginning or the end of their relationship in her hands. One word, yes or no, would seal their fates and futures. Together, or alone.
She hesitated long enough to get his hopes up and make him believe that she might have a change of mind…a change of heart. Then she squared her shoulders and met his gaze, tough and strong and courageous.
“It’s what I think is best,” she whispered, giving nothing away, “for the both of us.”
* * *
Despite Natalie’s request that they go their separate ways, Noah couldn’t stay away from her. Client cases consumed his days, especially since Cole and Melodie were still on their honeymoon, but he spent his evenings at Murphy’s, just to be near Natalie, no matter how awkward and reserved things were between them now.
During the course of the past few nights it had been Gina who’d served him and Bobby their drinks, while Natalie handled a different section of the lounge. The times he came face-to-face with Natalie their conversations were friendly and polite, and he could have sworn he’d seen longing darkening her gaze. Or maybe it was all wishful thinking on his part.
All she had to do was say the word and he was hers, but so far she’d held true to her resolve to return their relationship back to the status quo of acquaintances. And he knew he had no one to blame for her decision but himself. He’d made the choice to entangle her in a fabrication that had destroyed any chance they might have had of a future together.
“Hey, Noah, it’s your shot,” Bobby said, snapping him out of his depressing thoughts and back to the game of pool at hand. “You’ve got solids.”
Noah gave the front of the establishment one last quick glance for Natalie, who hadn’t yet started her shift though it was nearly 7:00 p.m. Gina was working part of the lounge, while another waitress who usually worked a different shift covered the other section of the bar. Blowing out a tight breath tinged with frustration, he returned his attention to the placement of the billiard balls on the table. He lined up his cue, made the shot, and completely missed the pocket he was aiming for.
He swore beneath his breath, though he wasn’t surprised that he’d missed his mark. His game sucked lately.
Bobby lifted an amused brow his way. “Are you sure you don’t want to trade in that soda you’re drinking for a beer to loosen you up a bit?”
A wry grin canted the corners of Noah’s mouth. “I doubt a few beers will cure what ails me.”
Bobby leaned against his cue stick and studied Noah for a long moment before coming to his own conclusion about his friend’s mood. “Man, you’re in way over your head with Natalie, aren’t you?”
I love her. The inescapable thought came automatically, though Noah kept the private words to himself. Bobby didn’t know the extent of his relationship with Natalie—the intimacy they’d shared and the emotional depths in which he’d plunged.
Gina made her way to the back of the establishment and breezed by their table. “Either of you need a refill?” she asked.
“I’m fine,” Bobby said, then made his shot, sinking two striped balls into two separate pockets.
“I’m good, too,” Noah added, then dredged up the one question he knew Gina could answer for him. “Is Natalie off tonight?”
Gina cleared a nearby table and wiped down the surface. “I guess you could say that,” she murmured.
Noah frowned, sensing much more to Gina’s comment. “What do you mean by that?”
She glanced at him, searching his expression, then shook her head. “You don’t know, do you?”
Witnessing the rueful look in Gina’s eyes, Noah’s stomach twisted into a knot of apprehension. “Know what?”
Gina hesitated, then finally said, “Natalie turned in her resignation this afternoon.”
“She quit?” he asked incredulously. “Why?”
Gina chewed on her bottom lip, as if uncertain she should divulge any more information. She must have seen his desperation, because she finally put him out of his misery. “She told Murphy that she’s moving.”
A fresh wave of panic reared inside of him. “To where?”
Genuine regret filled Gina’s eyes. “I honestly don’t know, Noah.”
“Order up, Gina,” Murphy called from the service area, and she gave Noah a soft “I’m sorry” before hurrying over to the bar to pick up her drinks and deliver them.
Noah scrubbed a hand along his taut jaw and stared at Bobby, as if he could make sense of what was happening. “Where in the hell would she move to?” And why? Was she putting even more distance between them, or escaping memories of Chad’s attack? Or a combination of both?
“I have no idea what goes on in the minds of most women. Maybe you should ask Natalie for yourself,” Bobby suggested pragmatically.
Did he even have the right to question her choices? Noah wondered. After all she’d been through, after all he’d put her through, didn’t she deserve to make the kind of decisions she felt were the best for her future? Even if that meant he wasn’t a part of it?
Bobby came up beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t let her go without telling her how you really feel. If you don’t at least try to bridge the gap between the two of you, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”
The profundity of his friend’s words of wisdom made Noah curious. “Are you speaking from personal experience?”
Bobby shrugged, neither confirming nor denying the direct question. “Just trust me on this, Noah. If she’s the woman you love, then fight for her.”
Noah had never been put in such a position before, having to win the affection of a woman. But then, he’d never wanted a woman as much as he needed Natalie in his life. And how ironic was it that he’d protected his emotions for so long, only to fall for the one woman who remained elusive to him?
He’d watched Joelle and Cole struggle with the same fears and doubts not that long ago. He’d even helped them to recognize the weaknesses that had prevented them from grasping happiness together. What Noah hadn’t admitted to himself was that he’d been afflicted with the same insecurities as a result of his shaky childhood.
The scared little boy in him who’d faced so much rejection and pain in the past had kept him from laying his soul on the line the morning Chad had attacked Natalie. As hard as it was for him to admit, he’d been scared of taking a personal gamble that would leave him emotionally vulnerable. Then and there, he should have been brave enough to tell Natalie exactly how he felt about her, as Bobby had suggested. With the return of her memory, she needed to understand that his feelings for her were real, and not a part of some pretense designed to protect her.
Now that he had distance from the situation, it wasn’t difficult for him to recognize that they were both running from a lifetime of tragic memories. They each harbored a fear of intimacy, feared trusting another person with their heart and soul. And yet he trusted Natalie with his life. He wanted her for keeps and forever, and he wasn’t going to hide behind a painful past any lo
nger when she was everything he’d ever dreamed of, and so much more. And that meant taking chances…like finally buying her the engagement ring she deserved. A symbol of his belief in her, and an eternal commitment to them as a couple. It was time he faced his own fears and took a risk with his emotions, and with Natalie.
He had nothing left to lose, except his heart.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Natalie stood in the center of her studio apartment Saturday morning, unable to believe that her entire life could be packed into only half a dozen boxes. That was the extent of the personal belongings she’d collected over the years. She still had a few breakable items she needed to wrap up, but other than that, she was nearly set to leave Oakland and start out fresh…yet again.
Her chest squeezed tight with heartache, a reaction she should have grown used to the past week without Noah, but one that only seemed to get worse with each day that passed. She hoped the distance of her move would help ease her misery. By Monday she would be gone, a memory to all who’d touched her life so briefly, yet so profoundly.
An overwhelming sadness washed over her, and she immediately chastised herself for wallowing in grief. She was used to being on her own, and she wasn’t a stranger to starting over. Being raised in a multitude of foster homes had conditioned her to being resilient and taught her not to get too attached to any one person or any particular place.
With the onslaught of her amnesia, all the rules she’d lived by for so long had been forgotten. She hadn’t remembered that she needed to protect her emotions from Noah, which had allowed another part of her personality to develop and blossom. She’d been open and uninhibited with him, and her sense of freedom with Noah had felt so liberating. And while so many men through the years, Chad included, had treated her like a sex object with long legs and big breasts, she’d never once felt as though her body was the key factor in Noah’s interest. He’d been noble until she’d seduced him, genuinely concerned about her safety, and so incredibly caring, sweet, and tender.