by E. Lee Hess
The rest of our night was spent talking and looking at lights. Around 10, Zoe told me she had to work a double shift at work tomorrow so she better head home. When we got to her car, she gently squeezed my hand and said, "Thanks for an amazing night Holly. I hope it helped cheer you up." She then kissed me on the cheek before jumping in her car to leave. I stood there watching her car drive away in disbelief of the night I just had.
As soon as I got in my car though, reality hit me again. I remembered that I would be going back to my brother's. It's not that I disliked my brother's house. Under normal circumstances, I would probably rather be there instead of my parents, but it was the fact that I was forced to be there that upset me. But tonight proved to me that I made the right decision embracing my feelings. The way I felt tonight made everything I've been through and am going to go through worth it. It showed me the happiness I deserve. No matter where this relationship goes, at least Zoe has given me a glimpse at what I'm capable of feeling.
Well, I better go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be the day my parents come around. I hope so.
Thanks for everything,
Holly
Chapter 23: 12/17/16
Dear Santa,
There is one week until Christmas Eve and my parents still haven't spoken to me. I realize the big blow up just happened on Wednesday night, but I am still shocked that they have now gone through three whole days without even acknowledging me. What if it's suddenly like I don't exist to them and this lasts forever? If three days is tearing me apart, I can only imagine what it would do to me if I had to live my whole life like this.
I read somewhere that you need to forget how your parents treat you when you first come out to them. The article explained that you need to be understanding of how hard this may be for them and that they will need time to process it just like you did. That makes sense to me. I'm honestly not even mad at my parents for how they are acting. It took me 22 years to come to terms with being gay. I can't expect them to be ok with it over night. I just wish I knew what they were thinking right now. I also wish they knew how I was feeling. I want to express to them that I didn't just wake up one day and decide to be gay. I want them to fully understand the process I had to go to in order to get to the point that I'm at right now. I pray that I could show them how important this whole journey was to me. They need to understand that I didn't take it lightly and that it breaks my heart to do this to them. I know that they see this young woman who has made a decision and is too stubborn to allow them to "help." But that's not how it is. I'm not rebelling against them. I'm not trying to hurt them. I'm just trying to show them the part of me that has always been hidden away. I'm trying to share every piece of me with them. I know that they see it as me pulling away, but the reality is that this was me trying to bring them closer to me. This was my way of telling them that I trust them and love them and want an open and honest relationship with them. If only they could see it that way...
But enough of the depressing letter. Let's talk about happier news. I found out that the reason Zoe had to work a double shift today is because she begged Jeff to take her shift last night so she could ask me on a date. I'm glad Jeff can't keep secrets, because this one made me feel really special. Because of the double shift, I didn't get to talk to Zoe much today. She did send me a good morning text though. It read, "Good morning girly! I hope you slept well. Thank you so much again for coming last night. I hope it isn't too forward of me to say that I hope last night was the first of many dates. I'm really looking forward to getting to know you better." I wanted to divulge all my feelings at that very moment, but decided it was best to keep it casual for now. So I told her that the pleasure was mine and I hoped I could plan the next date so I didn't embarrass myself again. The rest of the day we sent sporadic text messages to each, but nothing of too much substance. She did just send me a goodnight text as I'm writing this letter. Just when I think I couldn't like her anymore, she keeps impressing me and pulling me in. I probably sound crazy right now, but what can I say? I have a crush.
Sorry for the short note tonight, but my heart is so full of different emotions that I'm getting all mixed up. Trying to express myself right now is really difficult and I think I just need some sleep. You try to get some sleep too. I'm sure you have a busy week ahead of you.
Take care,
Holly
Chapter 24: 12/18/16
Dear Santa,
I decided to go to church this morning. I was nervous that my parents might be there, but really wanted to go. It felt good to be back. I have been avoiding church for awhile now because I was ashamed of myself and felt like I wasn't wanted there. Now I realize that is not true. I'm not particularly sure where my home church stands on the issue of being gay, but at this point it doesn't bother me either way. I am confident in my relationship with God and realize now that I don't need the acceptance of others.
After church, I went to lunch with my brother's family. No, we didn't go to the diner. Believe it or not, we will eat other places. We spent the rest of the day making cookies and watching Christmas movies. At one point, my nephew asked why my parents weren't there. To say it broke my heart would be an understatement. I actually had to leave the room because I started to cry. It seems so unfair that my niece and nephew are suffering because of who I am and my own issues with my parents. They deserve to spend time with their grandparents. I tried mentioning this to my brother. I offered to leave for awhile so they could come over, but he told me that they aren't allowed to be around his kids until they learn to treat me better. It's nice how protective my brother is being, but I wish he would let up on this a bit. I don't want anyone else to be affected by what is going on with my parents and I.
Enough sadness though. I bet you will never guess what I did today. I asked Zoe on a second date. Who would have thought that I would ever have the courage to do something like that? Jeff told me her work schedule, so I decided Tuesday afternoon would be best since she didn't work until the dinner shift. I was so nervous calling and almost hoped that she wouldn't answer. But after only two rings, I heard a sweet hello on the other end of the phone. "Hey Zoe," I said, "I was just wondering if you wanted to get together on Tuesday afternoon." She quickly said yes and asked what I had in mind. I told her it was a surprise and she should meet me at my brother's house and wear something warm. She sounded excited at the idea of a surprise. We ended up spending the next two hours talking on the phone. Even after two hours, I didn't feel ready to hang up. I'm starting to really fall for her. I know it sounds crazy, but maybe this is actually the gift I've been wishing for.
I am thinking about trying to talk to my parents tomorrow. I have to sleep on it.
Sweet Dreams,
Holly
Chapter 25: 12/19/16
Dear Santa,
I did not end up speaking to my parents directly today, but I did write them a letter. I went to their house when I knew they wouldn't be home and dropped it in the mailbox. Instead of writing you about my day, I'm just going to attach a copy of the note I wrote to my parents.
Dear mom and dad,
I miss you. These last few days have been very hard for me, but I don't regret coming out to you. I am glad that I shared this part of myself with you, even if it did cause drama. I hope you know that this hasn't been easy for me and I don't expect it to be easy for you either. I don't blame you for being upset. It took me my whole life to be comfortable with the person I am. I wouldn't expect you to be comfortable with it overnight.
There are just a few things I need you to know. This is who I am. That isn't going to change. I have accepted myself and I now love this part of myself. I wouldn't have come out to you if I wasn't at this point. Nothing can be done to change it. I am still the same person I was 5 days ago, 5 months ago, and 5 years ago. Nothing has changed. I am still your little girl and I still have the same goals and dreams for my life. I am now just being true to myself. This isn't something that you did. I don
't want you to think that you failed as a mother and father and made me this way. Nothing you did or didn't do could have changed this. This is who I was made to be.
Just remember that I did not tell you this to hurt you. I told you because I didn't want want to hide any part of myself from you. This is a big piece of me and I wanted you to know about it. I want this to make our relationship stronger, not ruin it.
It's killing me that you both are not talking to me. I worry that our relationship is ruined or that you may never talk to me again. I'm not sure how I could possibly get through this life if I didn't have you guys. Please don't let this ruin the amazing relationship we have always had. We have such a special family and I pray that it stays that way.
I'm begging you to talk to me. This is my final attempt at reaching out. The rest is up to you. Please don't ever forget how much I love you.
Holly
I hope this letter is good enough to show them how I am feeling. I'm nervous I will give it to them and still not hear back. I meant what I said in the letter - I don't think I could get through life without them. My brother and sister In law are amazing and so far things with Zoe are terrific, but I need my parents. I hope things get sorted out this week. Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without them.
In other news, we are supposed to be getting snow tomorrow. I really hope that doesn't ruin my date with Zoe. She said that she would come no matter what, but I would worry about her driving if the roads were bad. I'm keep my fingers crossed that we still get to have our date.
That's all for now. Thanks for listening. I really appreciate it.
Holly
Chapter 26: 12/20/16
Dear Santa,
Even though I didn't hear from my parents, it was still the perfect day. Zoe arrived at my brother's house at 11. I planned it out so no one would be there when she arrived. I worried about what my brother would do to embarrass me. By the time she got there, the snow had started to come down pretty hard. We hopped right in my car and I drove to our destination. I took her to a park just a few blocks from my brother's house. I had packed a picnic basket with two thermoses full of hot chocolate, sandwiches, and chips. When Zoe figured out what we were doing, she squealed with joy. We set up a blanket (that didn't really do anything since the ground was covered in snow), then spent the next hour eating and talking. I realized that Zoe was shivering so I grabbed an extra blanket from my car and wrapped it around the two of us. Zoe put her hand behind my back and rested her head on my shoulder as she watched the snow fall down. Just being close to her sent a shiver down my spine and the urge to kiss her grew inside of me. I didn't do it though. I know it sounds silly, but I wanted to take my time. When I dated guys, I never felt the need to wait for a first kiss. I never actually wanted to kiss them, but it just seemed like the thing to do so it normally happened before we even had an official first date (if it got that far). But sitting here with Zoe felt different. As much as I wanted to kiss her, I also wanted it to be perfect. Instead I found myself muttering the words, "I really really like you Zoe." I couldn't believe that those words were coming out of my mouth and felt embarrassed to be talking like that on our second date. Luckily, she looked up at me and said with a smile, "I really like you too Holly, like more than I can even express right now." Again, she caused me to melt with just words. It's funny how hard I tried to make myself feel anything with guys and Zoe says one thing and I feel it throughout my whole body.
Things then got more playful as we had snow ball fights, made snow angels, and just ran around in the snow like little kids. It was so childish and so simple, yet one of the best days of my life.
Unfortunately, around 3 we decided to head back toward my brother's since Zoe's shift started at 5 and we didn't know how long it would take to drive in the snow. On the car ride, I told her about the note that I wrote to my parents. I felt tears forming in my eyes as I spoke about it and regretted bringing it up. It was only our second date and Zoe had now seen me cry twice. She was great about it though. She held my hand and said all the right things. I was surprised by what she asked me next. "Listen Holly," she said, "I don't want to be a total uhaul lesbian here, but I just think it would be good for you to see that parents can change. Would you want to come over to my parent's house for dinner tomorrow? I know it's fast, but I just think it might be what you need right now." My heart started racing just thinking about meeting her family. I wanted to make a good impression so badly and worried about being able to do that without preparing myself more. There was no way that I was going to say no to Zoe though. I would take any excuse to spend more time with her. "Of course. I would love to," I smiled. She smiled back and squeezed my hand.
I said goodbye to Zoe with a hug and quick kiss on the cheek and then told her to please drive carefully. She promised she would and jumped into her car. I watched her smile at me through the rear view mirror as she drove away.
She texted me about 45 minutes later to tell me that she made it safely and to thank me again for such a good day. As I was reading the text, my brother and sister in law walked in with the kids. My brother happened to be getting home from work at the same time that they were arriving home from Christmas shopping.
My brother took one look at me and joked, "Wow someone had a good day today." I told him about my date with Zoe and how she had invited me to dinner with her family tomorrow. He teased me about being the "stereotypical lesbian" for moving so fast and asked when we would be moving in together. At this point, my sister-in-law reminded him that he actually brought her to my parent's house for their first date. My brother laughed and said, "That's true. So what are you waiting for? When do I get to officially meet this girl?" I was about to remind him that it is our Christmas Eve tradition to go to the diner and that she would be working that night, but then realized I didn't know what would happen. If my parents didn't come around, would there even be a Christmas this year? My brother must have seen it in my face because he quickly reassured me, "Don't worry Holls. We will do the diner on Christmas Eve no matter what."
The rest of my day was a blur. I felt like I was floating. Now I need to go to bed. Tomorrow is a huge day for me.
Wish me luck,
Holly
Chapter 27: 12/21/16
Dear Santa,
Tonight went better than I could have even expected! Most of my day was spent mentally preparing myself for the night ahead of me. I knew that I should probably bring a gift along with me for her parents, but wasn't sure what that should be. Zoe didn't help as she told me not to bring anything. I decided to bring flowers and a bottle of wine. I hoped this wasn't overkill, but I didn't want to show up without anything.
I got to the house at 5:30. I had decided to wear a sweater dress with tights and boots. I knew it was probably overdressed for a family dinner, but I wanted to make a good first impression. When I knocked at the door, I was happy to see that Zoe was the one to answer. She gave me a once over and said, "Wow, you look beautiful." It kind of surprised me to hear her say this so boldly when most of her family was within ear shot, but it certainly made me happy.
The first person I met was her sister, Emma. She was standing right beside Zoe when she opened the door. Emma welcomed me with a big hug and said, "It's so great to meet you! I've been hearing about you ever since you went to the diner about a month ago. I honestly feel like I'm meeting a celebrity." I noticed Zoe's face turning bright red as she glared at her sister. "Just ignore her," she said, "She would say anything to embarrass me." I let out a little giggle and winked at Emma. It made me feel so special that Zoe had noticed me so long ago, even if Emma was blowing the story out of proportion just to embarrass her.
The next in line was Zoe's brother, Luke. He had walked up while I was meeting Emma. He seemed a bit more serious than Emma as he put out his hand to shake mine and told me it was very nice to meet me. I told him how neat I thought it was that he was going to be a doctor just like his dad. This comment seemed to make him hap
py as he smiled a little smile that reminded me a lot of Zoe's.
By this point, her mom and dad were walking out of the kitchen. Her mom pulled me into a large embrace and told me how happy she was to have me there. Her dad gave me a smile and wink and told me it was very nice to meet me. At this point Zoe stepped in. "Ok people... could we just let her breathe for a second? She hasn't even taken her coat off yet." I realized that I was still holding the flowers and wine so I offered them to her mom who accepted with a big smile.