To Love A Friend

by Jana David

Allie

  I stared out the window, watching the world rush past me, thinking about the train ride seven month ago. How things had changed.

  Five month ago, I could have never imagined I would end up wishing I had never gotten on that train. I'd been so excited, glad to finally be out of my parents' house. And now here I was, glad to go back. It was almost ironic.

  I was glad to go back, but I wasn't looking forward to it.

  I had hurt the two people I loved the most. I had destroyed their friendship. And if it wasn't irreparably broken, I had at least changed it forever. Now I had to live with that knowledge, and I deserved to be miserable.

  The train rushed past the dull, grey countryside and further and further away from my problems. Unlike the last time I'd left, there wasn't a feeling regret about the decision. I knew it was the right thing to do.

  If there was one thing I could do right, it was to leave. And never come back.

  If I were the heroine of the story, I wouldn't like myself very much. Oh, who was I kidding? I wasn't the heroine. Never had been. I was the evil ice queen who had the two beautiful princes under her spell and broke them beyond repair.

  I should have never kissed Darcy, I should have never kissed Ian. This was all my fault. I was the evil queen who was deceiving the two beautiful princes.

  Who would have thought our silly games from childhood would hold that much truth in them?

  When the train rolled into the station, my father was there to pick me up. I fell into his arms and held him tight for a long while. He let me, without a question.

  “Do you hate me now?” I asked on the car ride home. I'd been so scared to tell him about leaving Liverpool, leaving university,but all he'd said when I called and told him was, “When should I come to pick you up?”

  “I could never hate you”, he said. “You're my daughter. I may not understand every decision you make, but I think I raised you well. I reckon you know what you're doing.”

  I didn't. I didn't have the faintest idea what I was doing. I was beginning to think that this was how my adult life was going to go. I would just run from one disaster to the next, with periods of self-doubt and self-blaming in-between.

  Back at the house, I went straight to my room, placed the suitcase in front of my bed and opened it. I wanted to get all the unpacking done as soon as possible. I didn't want to have this full suitcase sitting around, reminding me of the life I'd left behind.

  As soon as I took out the first pile of clothing, though, I regretted my decision. There, carefully wrapped up in one of my T-shirt's, was the record Darcy had given me for Christmas. I'd considered giving it back to him, but had changed my mind at the last minute and thrown it into the suitcase.

  Now I held it in my hand like it carried some contractible disease, and I regretted bringing it with me.