by Nella Tyler
That made sense. He had always been good with technology, tearing things apart, and putting them back together again. I’d sworn the boy was going to grow up to be a hacker, he was so good at working with computers.
The silence was drawing out between us again, the seconds ticking by like hours as we watched each other, not even blinking lest one of us disappear on the spot. I couldn’t tell if he was mad at me or not. I just felt exhausted at the sight of him, the dirty thoughts igniting the inside of my skull, what I could do with my hands and lips if I only had the chance at the naked skin beneath his clothes.
I turned my mind away from and suddenly felt compelled to tell him a few of the things I’d wanted to say in those last emails, but hadn’t. I wanted to apologize, and if I didn’t get it out right now, I might never find the courage to do it.
“Listen-”I started, but was interrupted by someone walking into the aisle at the opposite end, behind Carter, high heeled boots clacking on the floor. I knew her, too. It was like a fucking high school reunion in this damned store. Her name was Lisa Teller, and she’d dated Carter for a few weeks in high school.
“I couldn’t find the beer you were talking about, Carter,” she said before she noticed me. She smiled coolly as she looked me up and down with narrowed eyes, seeming pleased by my stricken expression before I got my face under control.
She was obviously here with Carter. She looked the same as she had in high school, slim with big round breasts that used to get her the attention of any guy she set her sights on — even Carter, who hadn’t seemed like the type who cared about that kind of thing. She’d left Madison after graduation, riding out of town with some older guy who owned a motorcycle. Apparently, she was back again, maybe just for the holidays like the rest of us.
She pushed her long brown hair over her shoulder, her light eyes widening as continued to stare me down, her lashes thick with mascara. “I haven’t seen you in forever, Sophia Ray.” She pursed lips that were bright pink. She’d always worn a ton of makeup, but the girl knew how to apply it to accent her best features and always had, even as far back as middle school.
“It’s good to see you, Lisa,” I managed to choke out, my cheeks burning. They’d come to the store together. Did that mean they were back together again? It wasn’t any of my business, but I couldn’t help the jealousy that came shrieking to life inside me. It really put a damper on the fantasies playing in a loop in my head, but it didn’t quite stop them. “How have you been?”
She put a hand on Carter’s muscly arm, her meaning abundantly clear. He was hers now, not mine. Those days were long done. I had to wonder by the sly smile on her lips how much Carter had told her about what went down between us.
“I’ve been just great,” she said, her voice getting sultrier by the second. “Living the high life here in Madison and working as a hairdresser, just like I always wanted.”
“That’s great,” I replied, and her smile deepened as her manicured fingers wrapped themselves even further around Carter’s arm to hold on tightly. My stomach pitched as all that sizzling energy between my legs went sour. They were clearly picking up right where they left off in the beginning of senior year. And why shouldn’t they? I hadn’t spoken to Carter in years. I had no claim on him, no matter how familiar every inch of his body was to me, even with all the slight changes.
“How long were you away from Madison?” I asked, desperate to focus on anything but the heat burning between my old rival and the boy I’d once thought I’d end up marrying. He’d even given me a ring…well, made of flowers.
“Only a few months,” she replied, shrugging. “Young love dies quick.” She gave a wicked little laugh. Everyone in town knew about her running off with that older biker. She’d been a bit of a legend, even to people like me who weren’t a huge fan of hers. But we didn’t really run in the same circles — except for the brief amount of time she’d set her sights on Carter — so I’d had no way of knowing how quickly she’d come back to Madison. A few months was nothing. She’d basically never left.
“Oh,” I said.
Carter hadn’t said anything or moved at all, even to remove Lisa’s hand on his arm. He didn’t look particularly comfortable with the situation, but that could just be his reaction to running into me where he least expected it. I could appreciate the feeling.
“I love seeing the gang back together,” Lisa said, grinning like the Cheshire Cat, her light eyes flashing from Carter, who hadn’t yet looked away from me. “It’s just like old times back in high school.”
I wasn’t quite sure what to say to that, since we hadn’t been friends in high school and we weren’t friends now. Carter had been our only connection. But it turned out she didn’t really need my input to keep the conversation going. She didn’t need Carter’s, either. She was doing just fine by herself.
“And, congratulations on the wedding,” she said, flashing her narrowed eyes at me. “Carter was just telling me all about it.”
“Thanks,” I said, forcing a smile I hoped looked natural. “My mom is really excited.” I quickly added the next part. “I am, too.”
“I bet. That’ll make you brother and sister, right?” She laughed at that. The pained expression that crossed Carter’s face disappeared quickly. I felt sick to my stomach.
“Stepbrother and stepsister, yeah,” I said, back to sounding like a moron again. I needed to get it together, but that wasn’t likely to happen in front of the two of them.
“I’m having a little get together at my place,” Lisa said, raising her heavily penciled eyebrows. “Call it an unofficial high school reunion. Lots of us are getting together two nights from now around eight at my mom’s old place. You should come, Sophia.”
“I just might,” I said, not really committing to anything, just wanting to move the conversation along. “As long as my mom doesn’t have any wedding stuff going on that night.”
“Carter will be there. Won’t you, Carter?” She glanced up at him and he nodded, as if on cue. “He’s helping me pick out some refreshments.”
My stomach twisted a little harder. Not only were they here hanging all over each other, but they were planning a party together, too? It was almost too much to bear.
Lisa pulled up the cuff of her puffy jacket to check her watch and the smile fled from her face as her eyes widened. She dropped her hand from Carter’s arm, her spine going ramrod straight.
“Shit, I didn’t realize it was this late!” She lifted onto her tiptoes and pressed a wet kiss onto Carter’s cheek, branding him with her bubblegum pink lipstick. “I’ll see you in two days, sugar. Make sure to bring the stuff we picked out for the reunion party.”
“Sure thing,” he answered. He smiled warmly at her, and it felt like a knife to the heart.
That about undid me. I was beaten and weak from the stress of the last week, and it was only going to get more uncomfortable. I just wanted to retreat to my mom’s house with my root beer and my kringle, eating my feelings until sleep came. The one person I could talk to about all of this — Mom — was completely off limits. I really didn’t even have a right to bother Lacey with any of it.
I grabbed my soda from the shelf and flashed a fake smile at the cooing lovebirds, putting a momentary stop to the disgusting display.
“It was good seeing you both. I’m sure I’ll see you soon, Carter.” With that, I turned and hurried out of the aisle, my eyes burning with tears I refused to let fall.
Carter
The Next Morning, Six Days before the Wedding
Dad was making breakfast when I came downstairs the morning after another night of crappy sleep. Running into Sophia without warning hadn’t helped, and it had happened literally twenty minutes after I ran into Lisa Teller in the parking lot of the same grocery store.
Lisa had jumped into my arms for a hug I hadn’t decided to give, pressing her firm, sweet-smelling body against me and going on about how long it had been since we’d seen each other. Before I knew what had
happened, she’d invited me to her reunion party and, shockingly, I’d agreed not only to go, but to help her buy booze and snacks for the get together. I was dreading that now, but I needed something to keep my mind off my father’s holiday themed wedding — who even got married on Christmas anyway?
Lisa hadn’t changed at all. Her personality rolled over you and dragged you along behind her. If she suggested something, you really didn’t have a choice but to agree. In high school, she’d set her sights on me and that was it. Then, when she was done with me, she moved on, leaving me disoriented and unsure of what had just happened over the four or five weeks of our weird relationship.
Last night, Lisa just picked up like we never stopped talking to each other, and she couldn’t keep her hands off me, always leaning in or squeezing the muscles in my arms like she was checking to make sure I’d ripened enough. The attention was actually kind of flattering; Lisa was still a knockout and laughed at my lame jokes.
But then Sophia showed up out of nowhere.
I hadn’t expected that, since I knew she was eating dinner with her mom and my dad. The grocery store was only a few minutes from both our houses, but it was only just past ten when I went by there. Knowing the way Dad could talk once you got him going, I expected to beat him home.
I’d been attempting to process the wealth of feelings that had filled me up from mixed up head to toe since the moment I’d laid eyes on Sophia, but I couldn’t quite put a finger on just how I felt.
I’d lain awake the night before, thinking about how good she looked standing mere feet away from me. I’d wanted to gather her into a hug the way I used to, lifting her off her feet while she giggled and threw her arms around me, holding on for dear life as I swung her in a circle. But those times were over, weren’t they? She’d ended them herself without even giving me a reason.
“Morning, Carter,” Dad said, turning from the stove to give me a smile I didn’t return. “I’m making omelets. How does that sound?”
I wasn’t even a little bit hungry — my stomach felt like an angry ball — but I didn’t want to draw undue attention to myself. I needed uninterrupted time to get through whatever the hell was going on inside of me, especially considering I was going to be forced to hang around Sophia again in the very near future. Dad would question why I didn’t want breakfast, and I’d spend precious energy defending myself and pretending nothing was wrong instead of picking through the complex emotions simmering in my gut.
“Yeah, okay,” I said, not sounding very excited about it.
“Coming right up,” Dad said and went back to whistling, which I’d never heard him do while cooking. Even when Mom was around, he did most of the cooking and cleaning. I’d heard her loudly tell him countless times that she worked and shouldn’t be responsible for picking up after people once she got home. That logic never seemed quite right, even as a little kid. Dad worked, too. Shouldn’t they share the responsibilities around the house?
“Dinner was great last night,” Dad said, not turning away from the oven. “Alice made beef stew and fresh baked bread. It was delicious. We really missed you.”
“I’ll be there next time,” I replied. The prospect of forced family time that included Sophia exhausted me. I just wanted to get this trip over with and return to California where I wasn’t exactly happy, but was at least less acutely miserable.
For three years now I’d been dreading returning to Madison because it could mean running into Sophia. Now, I’d have to worry about that every time I saw my father. He was going to be living with my ex-best friend’s mother until the day one of them died. I really didn’t know how things could get any worse in my life.
Dad cut the monster omelet he’d made in half and scooped a piece onto two waiting plates sitting next to him on the counter. He put one down in front of me and sat down across from me with the other plate.
“Ham and cheese,” he said, waggling his eyebrows the way he used to when I was a kid. It was my favorite kind of omelet, or it was years ago. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d had one.
I gave him a tired smile, but I was too distracted to make it seem real. It drew Dad’s immediate attention. He’d been attuned to the waxing and waning of my emotional state to a freakish degree since all that shit had gone down with Mom. Even before things really started to deteriorate, to be honest.
Things had never really been great between them. Dad was a peacemaker and Mom preferred to rock the boat. The two of them just clashed all the time. So, Dad took to shielding me when he could, and that meant learning to translate every one of my facial expressions, shrugs, and seemingly offhand comments. The man probably knew me better than I knew myself. It was incredibly hard to hide what I was going through from him.
And, I just didn’t have the energy this morning. If he asked me straight up what was wrong, I’d come out with the whole sorry tale, going all the way back to Sophia cutting ties with me and winding through all the sad, lonely years since.
“Carter, I can see something is bothering you.”
I filled my mouth with a hulking forkful of omelet, making a noncommittal noise, but not speaking as I chewed much longer than was necessary for a mouthful of eggs. I wasn’t hungry, but I didn’t see any other way buy the time I needed to prepare myself for the conversation that was looming because I was on Dad’s radar now, which meant he wouldn’t let this go. I didn’t really want him to. I was tired of suffering in silence. I didn’t know how to broach this enormous subject on my own, but if he asked me directly…
“Son, I understand.”
I narrowed my eyes, my brows tugging together slightly as I watched him, still chewing stubbornly, though the egg had all but disintegrated. Maybe I was more transparent than I thought, which was unfortunate, considering that meant Sophia had been able to read me like a picture book last night. She’d been polite but standoffish, her normally expressive eyes locked up tightly. I’d tried to be the same way, but it felt like that old familiar knife was twisting as hard as it could in my gut at the sight of her.
“What do you mean?” I whispered. I’d only swallowed one bite, but it felt ready to come shooting back up onto my plate.
“I know you’re confused and surprised by all of this.” Dad drew in a deep breath as he set his fork down next to his plate, the steaming omelet on it untouched. He leaned onto the table his eyes softening. His were light green. Mom’s were dark brown. Mine were a mix of both of those colors, an ambivalent hazel that Sophia use to say was completely unique. She’d named it after me — Carter Hazel — telling me I owned every variation of that particular shade. I hadn’t thought of that in years.
“I’m sure this feels rushed. The wedding, the fact that Alice and I have only been dating for a few months, that we didn’t tell anyone about what was going on between us until recently. But it’s really not as rushed as it seems. We’ve known each other for years. Running into her again was the closest thing to fate I’ve ever experienced in my half a century on this planet. We clicked all over again. I remember always liking Alice, but I was with your mother, so I’d never thought of her in a romantic way.”
I blinked only once while he was speaking, and my confusion left me in a flood of tingling sensation. He thought I had a problem with him marrying Sophia’s mom. I mean, it felt like it had come on pretty suddenly, and I wasn’t sure he’d really gotten over the complete shit show that had been the death of his relationship with Mom — or even just the battleground that was their relationship, period — but I didn’t have a problem with him remarrying.
It surprised me, of course, but my real issue was with who he’d chosen to marry. Not that I didn’t love Ms. Ray. I’d always thought of her as a second mother. I’d spent half of my childhood over at her house, hanging out with her daughter. But by marrying her, Dad was permanently reattaching me to Sophia after she’d gone through so much trouble to toss off the yoke of our friendship. I’d now see her at every family get together and major event here in
Madison. Dad would probably mention something about her every time we spoke on the phone or exchanged our daily emails.
I didn’t know how to tell him what my real reservations were about what he was planning to do. And, it didn’t seem fair to drop all of that on him out of nowhere. My problems with Sophia were my own business. I wouldn’t derail Dad’s chance at happiness over that. He’d been through the ringer with Mom — we both had — and he deserved a relationship that didn’t feel like a series of losing battles.
He drew another deep breath, and I could see the conversation was going to take an even more serious turn. I had a headache starting just behind my eyes and it felt like I hadn’t slept in days. My entire body was exhausted. I set my fork down and dropped my hands into my lap. I couldn’t take another bite of this omelet right now, not with the way he was looking at me.
“Carter, I know the way my marriage to your mother ended left scars on you that will never really heal.” I recognized the hurt in his troubled eyes from those last few years he’d been with Mom. But, to his immense credit, he’d never said a negative word about her. He hadn’t really needed to. She’d done enough damage to her relationship with me all on her own.
“Love is something precious,” he continued. “When you find it, you shouldn’t let go of it, no matter the cost.” He let loose a deep sigh and, for just a moment, looked as beaten down as I felt. “I think I’ve done you a great disservice.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, a slight frown tugging at the ends of my mouth. “You’ve been a great dad.”
He smiled, but it was wistful. Now that Mom had been brought up, it would take a while for him to go back to his carefree self. It was another thing to add to the list of ways she’d injured both of us.
“I really find it hard to forgive myself for how things were in the house before your mother moved out. And even years before that. There was no excuse for allowing you to live in that environment. I think that really poisoned your view of long term relationships. What else would explain why you’ve never brought a girl home or even talked about one?”