by Nella Tyler
The doorbell rang downstairs and my heart leapt into my throat. I met my own hazel eyes, already smiling like the lovesick fool I was, and then ran out of the bathroom to go answer the door.
Sophia
The Same Evening
Carter opened the door to a fragrant wonderland. It smelled like cinnamon and cloves, and he looked good enough to eat standing just inside the foyer, a striking grin on his face, clad in a dark pair of jeans that were tight in all the right places, and a dark green sweater that perfectly offset his light, wheat-colored hair and shining eyes, which looked deep amber in the low light. My body responded on its own, coming awake in a way only seeing this man seemed to be able to achieve.
I stepped inside and kissed him deeply without even closing the door behind me first. He giggled into my mouth, reaching behind me to shut the door. I took off my coat and hat, relishing the taste of him on my lips.
“It smells amazing in here,” I said, and my eyes widened as I looked around. There was a trail of red rose petals leading from the foyer deeper into the house. I could hear some smooth music playing, and the smell of cinnamon was coming from that direction, as well.
I grinned at him, my heavy mood lifting for the first time since that morning. “What have you been up to?”
He shrugged as he took my hand. “Oh, just making your dreams come true.” He led me into further into the house without another word.
I stopped in the middle of the living room, taken aback by the rose petals, the low lights, the candles burning in the dining room around a table set for two, the romantic music playing in the background. Now that I was further into the house, I could smell garlic and onions, the luscious, intermingled smells of a prepared meal. He’d really put a lot of work into this. I’d expected him to just throw something tasty together for us to eat while sitting on the couch.
“Surprise,” he said, and his smile faltered when he looked back at me, the concern dropping a shade behind his eyes. “Sophia?”
I shook my head, wiping at my suddenly wet eyes. I was just so overcome with emotion for him right now at the sight of everything he’d done this afternoon. I hadn’t done anything but take a shower and put on my nicest pair of jeans, sweater, and boots.
He put a hand on my shoulder and I managed to choke out, “I’m okay. This is just so nice.” I laughed at how stupid I was being, but my heart felt like it had been tugged too hard.
“I have even more planned for the next few months,” he said, giving a small grin. “Just wait and see.”
I couldn’t answer that because I was thinking about the application for the British Museum, which was as good as done. Carter was planning his life around mine and here I was opening up a possibility that could literally put us a world apart.
He pulled out my seat and I sat down. The table was set with his parents’ wedding china — after his mom left, he told me his dad had refused to get rid of it, and insisted on using it for every major holiday — a candle burning in the center with more surrounding the table. It was beautiful.
“I’ll be right back,” he said and disappeared into the kitchen. He came back with a salad and a plate of sliced garlic bread that made my mouth water to see. He left and came back with a small serving bowl of steaming spaghetti, along with a bottle of red wine.
“Welcome to Chez Mills,” he said, lifting his eyebrows suggestively as I giggled a little, hiding my mouth behind my hand. “You realize that even your mother is a Mills now?”
I hadn’t thought of it that way. “I don’t know if she’s decided about changing her name. She’s been a Ray since she was eighteen years old.”
“Well, she’s at least an honorary Mills.” He served me some pasta. “I hope you like it. Old family recipe.”
We took turns helping ourselves to the garlic bread and salad, and Carter poured some red wine into the waiting wine glasses. He’d also put water glasses on the table, filling them without the use of ice, the way I’d preferred back in school and still did, even on a hot day. I’d never been a fan of ice cold drinks.
He lifted his wine glass, and I did the same. “Here’s to finding each other and never letting go again.”
I forced a smile and clinked glasses with him, both of us taking a small sip. I wanted to be in this moment with Carter, but I couldn’t turn my mind away from the looming possibility of being in a situation where I might accept a job in another country. I had no idea how to mention that to him. It felt like something I should’ve disclosed right away. The longer I waited to bring it up, the harder it was going to be, and the more I felt like I was lying right to his face. I knew that, but still I kept my silence, choosing instead to fill my mouth with a forkful of the delicious pasta concoction he had cooked.
“This is amazing, Carter,” I said and meant it. “You really outdid yourself.”
He grinned, looking even more attractive than before, which I wouldn’t have believed possible until now. “I wanted tonight to be special.”
We ate in silence for a few more moments. I kept trying to come up with things to say, but my thoughts were overrun with the possibilities that might bloom in my uncertain future. I was at a loss to consider anything else.
“You seem quiet tonight,” he observed, his amber eyes lifting from his meal to lock with mine. He set his fork and knife onto his plate. “I think I know why.”
My heart began to thud in my chest, echoing through my skull under the intensity of his gaze. There was no way he knew what I was worried about. I hadn’t told anyone but Lacey and she didn’t know about what I had going with Carter.
“I’ve been worried all day, too,” he admitted, and I forgot that I was miserably stuck for a moment.
“You have?”
He nodded. “I can’t stop thinking about how we’re going to make things work between us with you on the east coast and me on the west coast.”
My heart sank a little because that problem paled in comparison to the one I was considering right now. He just didn’t know it yet. “That’s a real challenge,” I said.
He nodded again, more enthusiastically this time, and the look on his face made it clear he’d been anticipating this conversation and was more than prepared for it. People really didn’t change much, did they? He’d always been a problem solver and a dreamer.
“Not as big as you might think.” He pulled his cellphone from his jean pocket and brought the screen to life. “I created a Google Doc earlier today that I can share with you via email.” He looked away from his phone briefly, the look in his eyes teasing. “If it’s okay for me to email you now.”
I stuck my tongue out at him, and he laughed. “I don’t know that I want to start getting your crazy spreadsheets and itineraries again, though.”
He laughed again and shook his head. “Anyway, I looked into flights and the best times to fly, as well as all the holidays that are coming up over the next twelve months.” He set his phone onto the table and looked at me again. “There are a lot of opportunities for us to see each other. I might even be able to work remotely a few times a month, which will make it easier for me to travel. The best day to fly is apparently Tuesday. So, maybe I can work remotely the next few days, and spend the rest of the time with you before flying home the following Tuesday. There are a lot of options.”
“That sounds good,” I said because it did. I just didn’t know if I’d be within range of visiting come springtime.
“We could alternate flying. Me one month and you the next — that way we’d end up spending several solid weeks together. It’s not as good as every day, but better than nothing.” He grinned, that teasing light in his eyes again. “And a thousand times better than what we were doing for the last three years.”
“So, who goes first?” I asked, forcing a smile.
“We could flip a coin,” he suggested with a shrug. “We might have to wait a little bit since we both just had two weeks off work, but I have another three for the year.”
“That’s gr
eat,” I said. “I only have two, but that resets in the New Year, I guess.”
Carter kept talking, and I did my best to listen attentively and offer suggestions in an attempt to keep it positive, but my heart was almost too heavy to stay in my chest. The longer the conversation went on, the clearer it became that I was going to have to choose between the love I’d wanted for my entire life, and the career that gave me such deep, satisfying meaning.
My heart sank a little more when I recalled that this was exactly why Carter’s mother left her family — she’d chosen her work at a high powered advertising agency over her life as a wife and mother. But, before making that choice, she fought viciously with her husband in front of their son, injuring him in ways that probably had yet to heal.
I kept eating, though I now felt sick. Carter had accused me of being just like his mother, and now it seemed like I had to be an exact copy of the woman to even consider leaving him behind me in the same way, and for the same selfish reasons.
Carter
The Following Evening, December 27th
I couldn’t believe I’d been home for just over a week and still hadn’t driven out to the lake. As it turned out, Sophia had been out there yet either. In our defense, we’d been pretty busy with wedding prep; so we decided to go together. We made a thermos of hot cocoa, packed some Christmas cookies and blankets, and piled into my rental car. I cranked some music on the radio — the mind numbing litany of Christmas carols was finally finished for another year, though I kept that relief to myself, since Sophia loved all the songs so much.
We drove out to the lake, singing along to a playlist of songs we’d loved in high school. Our spot was just around the rear of the lake, opposite the entrance. I drove over the slushy snow carefully, but didn’t expect much traffic at this time of year. The only other people out here were those crazies who actually enjoyed ice fishing. I could see ice fishing tents set up all over the frozen surface of the lake. People actually came out here all day and night to fish in freezing cold weather. I didn’t get it, but it was a little odd that I’d never been out here to do it myself, considering how long I’d lived here. Dad wasn’t into it, which explained why I’d never been, but at least he’d actually gone before.
“You know what’s strange?” I asked after we’d parked and were sitting in the dark, looking out at the tents on the lake.
“What’s that?” Sophia asked. She was getting into the thermos already, even though it was really warm in the car after the fifteen minute drive.
“I was born and raised in Madison, and I’ve never gone ice fishing. I’ve never even been invited.”
She stared at me for a second before smiling. “You are so weird.”
“You know what else I’ve never done?” I asked.
Sophia was getting into the cookies now, too, breaking off pieces to dunk in her cocoa. “Performed in a Broadway musical?”
I grinned. “Yeah, but I’ve also never traveled across the ocean in a long rigger canoe. Or in a plane. I’ve never even left the country besides going up to Canada with Dad that one time, not that I really want to. It’s just one of those things I haven’t done very much.”
I thought a little more about the things I hadn’t done, not sure what was bringing up this oddly nostalgic mood. Probably just being around Sophia. Her presence was stirring up all sorts of funny memories and tendencies in me, like we were right back in high school again, bitching about classes and how our parents wouldn’t let us do whatever stupid thing we really wanted to do.
“I haven’t gone skydiving, or gotten a tattoo — yet.” She snorted a laugh at that. “I’ve never played a high stakes game of blackjack in Las Vegas.”
“Have you even ever been to Las Vegas?” she asked, cutting in, her mouth full of cookie.
“Nope.”
She giggled, and so did I.
“It’s not that I really want to do any of the stuff I just mentioned,” I explained. “It’s just strange that so many things happen right where you live that you never do. Like ice fishing.”
She thought about that for a second, and then slurped down the rest of the cocoa she’d poured into the plastic cup before securing it back onto the top of the thermos.
“There just isn’t time to do everything you want to do in the world,” she said. “Between work and school. Imagine what it must’ve been like for our parents raising us on their own and working. It kind of makes you feel bad about being a total shit as a teenager.”
“What things would you put on your list that you’ve never done?” I asked, looking over at her in the filmy blue dark. The icy surface of the lake was glowing in the moonlight, as though lit from below, making the little tents perfectly visible. The snow on the ground glowed, too. I wanted to step outside and stare up at the nearly full moon, but the night was too cold.
She took a deep breath, and began as she brushed the cookie crumbs off the front of her jacket. “I haven’t been to an opera or a symphony in New York yet. I’ve seen two Broadway musicals, but that doesn’t feel like enough. I haven’t seen a concert in Madison Square Garden or a Yankees game.” She looked at me, a small grin on her face. “I haven’t been ice fishing, either, and I was born and raised here, too. No great loss, I don’t think.”
I chucked at that.
“Mostly what I’m disappointed about is how little I’ve traveled. In college, I dreamed a lot about landing a job that would let me travel the globe. But I got that internship in New York City and then just never left. I love my work and how diverse the city is, but it’s not the same as traveling.”
I gave another low chuckle to hear her say that. She’d done more traveling than anyone else I knew from Madison. I’d hardly traveled besides recently going to California for work, but I didn’t plan to leave the area for a while, unless it involved visiting Sophia in New York.
“You’ve done tons of traveling, Soph.”
“Not enough,” she replied. “I want to visit all the museums on my list. I want to backpack through Europe, go to Japan, see the pyramids.” She shook her head, as though frustrated with herself. “There was a group of girls who went down to Mexico for Spring Break. They invited me, but I didn’t go for a reason I can’t even remember now. How dumb was that?”
I decided not to mention that at the end of our parents’ honeymoon, she’d probably at least have a souvenir from Mexico. Instead, I said lightly, “Travel is overrated anyway.”
She made a snorting noise. “Said the guy who’s only been to Canada once.”
I laughed. “Hey, I’ve been to California.”
She rolled her eyes, but giggled.
“I just think that happiness isn’t something you find by running around all over the globe. Most often, it’s right there in front of you.” I reached to touch her soft cheek. “Look what happened with us. We grew up a few blocks away from each other. I’m glad I didn’t travel more because the girl I wanted was right there in front of me.”
Sophia only looked at me, the wheels moving in her head as she thought about what I’d just said. It was so self-evident to me, but then I’d always been much easier to please than she had. It was another reason to love her, that she was always wanting more, always dreaming. She’d expanded my world just by being in it.
“There’s a big world out there, Carter; and we’ve only seen about one percent of what it has to offer, if that. I just can’t sit still thinking that way. I want to be out there, doing things, seeing things, learning what life is like outside of the little shell where we grew up. New York is amazing, but it’s another shell. I don’t want to get too comfortable there. I want to keep challenging myself. I want to keep experiencing fresh new things. Don’t you feel that? The pull of the unknown?”
“No,” I said, honestly, because I really didn’t. Not that I was so in love with Madison — I wasn’t broken up to leave it, though I still didn’t think I’d found my footing in California — but it was comfortable. That was the definition of what I wa
nted: a place I enjoyed living and a woman I enjoyed loving.
“Carter, I’m trying to be serious,” she said, giggling as she thumped me on the arm with the back of her hand.
“I am, too. I just want to spend my time with the people I care about most. I don’t need much more than what’s in this car right now.”
She turned in her seat to stare me dead in the face, her eyes very dark. I had absolutely no idea what was going on inside her head — not that I ever did — but something in the look on her face stirred up that need to have my hands and lips on her. Whatever I’d been saying washed out of my head in that flood of aching desire. I’d gone so long without even hearing her voice. Now that she was right beside me, I wanted to take full advantage of it.
I brought her closer to me and kissed her, gently at first. She giggled against my lips and I had to smile. Her face was cold, even after sitting in the heat for as long as we had. She belonged anywhere but Madison. Even as a kid, she was always freezing to death.
“You’re so cold,” I said.
She giggled again, her hot breath rolling over my face. She smelled like chocolate.
“I have an idea for how to warm you up,” I said, curling one hand behind the back of her neck beneath her thick hair.
“Oh yeah?” she asked, and smiled a little. “What’s that?”
I didn’t tell her. I just showed her, leaning in again and kissing her much more deeply, wanting to taste every chocolatey inch of her.
Sophia
The Same Evening
After several hot minutes of serious kissing, I had to admit that my face was tingling with warmth.