by Ciana Stone
“He looks like he’s still a badass,” Cody remarked.
“Yeah, he does.” Savannah agreed. “And honestly, Etta, everyone thought you and he were…you know.”
Etta shrugged. She and Savannah had talked about this before so it was easier this time around and she didn’t feel as uncomfortable. “I can see why. We spend a lot of time together. And Deacon helps me in what I do.”
“With patients?” Cody asked.
“Yes, if they’re military. Deac understands their mindset and has been in their shoes, so he’s a real stabilizing influence and that’s invaluable.”
“Amen to that,” Charli agreed.
“So what about this guy who’s staying here?” Cody asked. “The hot one you were at the bar with? Jasper?”
“Jasper Jacks, yes. He’s…” She shook her head. “I’m sorry, there’s not much I can say.”
“It’s okay.” Charli said. “We understand. Doctor—patient confidentiality. Not to mention Navy regs.”
“Thanks.” Etta smiled at her.
“Well, you do know that Nellie Mae Baker and her bestie Netta Bloom are regaling the town with their story about you and JJ doing it on the sidewalk, right?” Cody asked.
“What?” Etta’s heart sank. She’d been joking when she told JJ the old women now had something to talk about.
“Oh yeah, right there against the wall of your mama’s bakery,” Cody delivered a decent imitation of the chubby blonde woman. “Doing the hoochie coochie.”
“Oh dear God.” Etta was anything but thrilled to know she was the hot topic of gossip. “And I guess it was the Goth girl, too, right?”
“Oh, yeah.” Cody waved her hand. “Don’t let it bother you, girl. Those old ladies gossip about everyone. Why you should have heard them go on about Savannah and Mason. Nellie Mae caught them once in the Legion Hall dancing and neither one of them had on shirts. Good lord and a quarter, you would have thought they were doing the wild thing right there in front of her to hear her tell it.”
Etta cut a look at Savannah who smiled, despite the blush on her face. “I would have done the wild thing in a New York second. Mason has major moves.”
“Amen to that,” Cody agreed. “Makes a woman think about doing a little dirty dancing of her own to watch him move.”
“Indeed it does.” Charli agreed. “But back to the new gossip. What’s the deal with them calling you Goth?”
Etta pointed to her hair, which hung in a braid over one shoulder.
“Gotcha,” Charli said. “So, is it natural? Your hair? Tell me to shut up if you want, but it’s really odd to see someone with hair so light and such black eyebrows.”
“I’m not offended. And yes, it is natural.”
“It’s beautiful, but really unusual,” Cody commented. “Particularly with your eye and skin color. What’s your nationality, if I can ask?”
“My mother is Hawaiian and my dad came from California. His family was Scottish.”
“So, you take after both of them, I guess.” Cody said.
“Yes, in a way. My dad had light eyes and blond hair. My mom had black hair and brown eyes.”
“And you ended up with white. That’s interesting.”
“Just a regular old mutt,” Etta said and changed the subject. “And enough about me. Anything interesting going on with you ladies?”
“You mean like chasing kids, managing a bar, and sometimes wishing I didn’t have a man who was so damn tempting?” Cody asked.
Everyone laughed, including Etta. “Why is that a problem?”
“Uh, two kids and a bar to run? Girl, I don’t know the last time I had eight straight hours sleep, but God almighty, I can’t say no when he gets all frisky.”
“Can’t say that I blame you,” Etta admitted. “Jax really is hot.”
“Yes, he is,” Charli agreed, followed by Savannah chiming in with, “Oh my God, yes.”
“But then, all of you have men who are like something out of a movie. Hot and hunky and generally badasses. And probably amazing in bed.”
That turned the conversation in a whole new direction and before long they were all laughing at one another and telling funny things that had happened to them and their men while in the courting phase of their relationships.
Etta found herself laughing along with the rest of them and enjoying the camaraderie, but beneath the surface, she envied them. They had something she’d dreamed of but had never found.
Her thoughts turned to JJ. She’d not go back on her word to Deacon but it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep her hands off JJ. Especially when he was relaxed and free of the tension and anxiety that all too often claimed control of him. During those times, he was fun to be around, had a great sense of humor, and dear God, could he kiss.
“Earth to Etta.” Savannah’s voice had her snapping to attention.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. Cody just asked if you’d ever been married.”
Damn. What was it with these women? Were they psychic, because they seemed to hone in on the things she didn’t want to discuss.
“Yes, once.”
“Didn’t work out?” Cody asked.
“No, afraid not.”
“My first one didn’t either.” Savannah rescued her. “So don’t feel bad. It just means he wasn’t the right one.”
Etta smiled and nodded. She wasn’t about to talk about her first marriage. She didn’t tell anyone about it and had never taken her husband’s name. At one point, she’d felt bad about that. Now she was grateful she hadn’t. It was one less reminder of the biggest and most crushing failure of her life. The mistake that had almost ended her.
Never again. She’d made that promise to Deacon and fully intended to keep her end of it. She’d never allow herself to walk that dark path again. Ever.
And what about love? God only knew how much she wanted to love, and to be loved, but maybe she’d used up her chance at that. JJ’s face flashed in her mind and she mentally pushed it away.
The last thing she needed was to fall in love with Jasper Jacks. Have the hots for him, have a crush on him—fine. Just don’t fall in love, that little voice in her head warned.
Remember, love kills.
*****
JJ saw the women get into a car and leave. Etta stood on the front porch and waved as they pulled off, but rather than returning inside when they’d gone, she took a seat on the porch swing.
He walked across the yard and up the short sidewalk to her porch. “Have a good time with the ladies?”
“JJ! I didn’t hear you. But yeah, it was fun. They’re very nice people.”
“That sounds like something you say about people you don’t really like but are too polite to admit.”
“Not at all. I do like them. I just haven’t known them long and—and it takes me a while to consider someone a friend.”
JJ crossed the porch and stopped at the swing. “May I?”
“Sure, have a seat.”
He sat down and took over rocking the swing. Etta curled her legs up on the seat and angled to look at him. “What about you? You’ve been spending a good bit of time with Deacon, and with Mason, as well.”
“Deacon is easy. He’s command.”
“Amen to that. And Mason?”
“He’s nice. Being a spy is a whole other ballgame, but it’s interesting to hear him talk about it. And we were talking about you. I take it you don’t make friends easily?”
“Not really. I have…trust issues.”
“What? The shrink has issues? Is that allowed?”
“Shrinks are people, too.”
“I was only teasing. It’s actually kind of nice to know you have some type of issue. It makes me feel less flawed.”
“You’re not flawed, JJ.”
“Sure, I am.” He looked out into the darkness and when he spoke again, his voice barely rose above a whisper. “We all are, a little, don’t you think? Life does that to us. We start out all fresh and new,
empty slates waiting to be written on. Some of the things life writes on our slates are good and others not, but it all shapes us. And leaves us with new strengths and new flaws.”
JJ looked at her. “The last story that was written on my slate was a bad one, Etta. It almost killed me. They almost killed me.”
“But they didn’t. You survived, and you escaped.”
“Yeah, but I was close to giving up. I could feel it creeping up on me, that loss of will and—and almost a hunger to surrender and just let it be over.”
“Why didn’t you?”
He was quiet for a long time so she remained silent, watching his profile as he stared out into the darkness, slowing rocking them back and forth in the swing. When he reached for her hand, it surprised her, but she didn’t pull away.
“The guys in my unit are my family. When I was captured, I wasn’t alone. I watched one of my guys die, a little bit at a time. It got so bad that he begged me to kill him. If I could have gotten to him I would have, but we were separated in cells across from one another.
“When they killed him, I cried for an entire day. They laughed at me and called me a little girl. Then they worsened my torture. See, they’d used him against me, thinking I would break to save him.”
He looked at her and she saw tears on his face. “You have no idea how much I wanted to.”
“I think I do. He was your brother and you wanted to save him. Even at the risk of your own life.”
“My life was never important. It was the intel that mattered. If I broke and gave them anything, they’d use it to kill innocent people. Me and Ethan, we were always expendable. All we had to do was not talk, so that’s what we did.”
“What you went through was enough to destroy a lot of people, JJ. The fact that you not only survived, but also killed your captors and escaped is almost miraculous.”
“Maybe. But sometimes it feels like I didn’t.” His hand tightened on hers. “Sometimes I wake and before I open my eyes, I think maybe this isn’t real. Maybe it’s a dream or hallucination and I’m still in that damn cell, bleeding onto the ground.”
“But it is real.”
JJ moved too fast for her to stop him, reminding her that beneath the pain and trauma, he was a highly trained soldier, one of the best in the world. He pulled her onto his lap, facing him, with her legs straddling his.
“Eight weeks and three days. That’s how long I’ve been here and I still have those moments. The other day, one of the UTVs backfired and I damn near jumped outta my skin. How the fuck am I ever going to function if I jump at every noise?”
“You’ll jump less,” she said and put her hands on the top of his shoulders. “You already do. You may have jumped at the backfire, but you didn’t jump at the gunfire when Smithy shot that rat in the barn. Deacon told me you were there, helping him unload hay and you never flinched.”
“It only takes once to get someone killed. I need to get back to my unit, Etta. I need to be me again.”
“You will. I promise.” Etta mentally slapped herself even as she spoke the words. It was bad medicine to promise such things because she had no way of guaranteeing that JJ would make it back to his unit.
But she sure as hell was going to do everything in her power to try to get him there.
“Kiss me, Etta, and make the rest of it go away.”
“Kissing you won’t make it go away and you know that.”
“No, but it’ll make me forget everything for a minute and maybe that’s enough.”
Why did she give in? The therapist inside her knew it was wrong, it was dangerous and foolish, and still she gave in and let his kiss take her away from reality as well. And for that one brief moment, they weren’t doctor and patient, they weren’t two people damaged by war and death. They were just a man and a woman who wanted one another.
And could share only a kiss.
Chapter Nine
Ten weeks and four days. That’s how long he’d been at Sanctuary. JJ walked along in the quiet of the pre-dawn hours on his way to the ranch. He and Deacon were going to be rounding up some cattle today and getting them corralled and ready for the truck that would be coming later in the morning to take them to auction.
Ten weeks and four days. He repeated in his mind. Ten weeks and four days away from his unit, away from his life and so far the answer to him getting a green light from Etta Whitestone was the same as the day he’d arrived.
He wasn’t ready.
That’s all she would say. He knew what she meant and maybe she was right. It didn’t happen as much, but there were times when he’d find that old darkness creeping back into his mind, making his skin damp and his heart race.
With her help, he’d learned to get past it, to control it instead of it controlling him, but he’d not yet been able to stop the episodes from arising. He wondered if that was even possible. How did you stop yourself from remembering?
She said it wasn’t a matter of remembering, but one of stripping the power of the memories away. Etta said to view it like watching the rerun of a movie. Let the sights and sounds, the smells and emotions come and go like waves on the shore. The moment they reach the shore, they start to immediately recede.
He’d made up his mind he was going to succeed, but damn if he wasn’t ready for the race to victory to speed up a notch. If he stayed away much longer, he’d lose his edge entirely. At least, that was his fear.
Movement off to one side had him stopping and listening. Out of the darkness, Deacon appeared. “Want some coffee before we saddle up?”
“I wouldn’t turn it down, thanks.”
Deacon gestured and together they headed for his house. Once inside, Deacon gestured toward the table. “Have a seat.”
“Thanks.”
“Sugar or cream?”
“Neither.”
Deacon put a mug of coffee on the table in front of JJ before taking a seat and raising his own. He blew on it and then took a sip.
“How long now?”
“Ten weeks and four days.”
“Itching to get back, aren’t you?”
“Yes and no.” JJ leaned forward, putting his forearms on the table and cradling the mug between both hands. He and Deacon had established a pretty solid relationship but there were things he needed to ask, and he wasn’t sure if their friendship was strong enough.
“Can I ask you something?”
“You can ask. Doesn’t mean I’ll answer.”
“Fair enough. You and Etta—Dr. Whitestone. She says you’re friends. Best friends.”
“Is there a question in there somewhere?”
“Are you? Friends?”
“We are.”
“For a while?”
“Yes.”
JJ nodded and looked at the mug in his hands for a few moments before raising his gaze to meet Deacon’s. “Are you in love with her?”
“No.”
“So what are you—the two of you?”
“Does it matter?”
JJ slumped back in his chair. “Yes. No. I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Why?”
There it was, the question he’d hoped not to be asked. “Because…I like her.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
“I see. And you’re wondering if I’m competition.”
“Yeah.”
“No. I’m not. And maybe you need to take a page from my book, brother. Let her be your friend. Let her save you, mend you, heal you, and send you on your way. But don’t fall in love with her. More to the point, don’t make her fall in love with you.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re counting days. Counting how long you’ve been away from your unit and wondering how long it will be before you can get back to it. Am I right?”
“You are.”
“And how many times have you asked how many more days you get to be here with her, or how many days or weeks or months it will be before you see her again if she cuts you loose?”
/> That was as good as a slap, and stung just as much. He hadn’t asked those questions. He’d thought about how much he wanted her but not about what would happen when she signed those papers that let him return to his unit.
“None.” He answered honestly.
“Then maybe you don’t care as much about her as you think, son.”
Was Deacon right? JJ didn’t want to think so. He thought about Etta a lot. Almost as much as he thought about getting back to his unit. But his thoughts of her were about right now. How she made him feel, how he loved watching her, kissing her, and how much he wanted to get his hands on her.
He cared for her, hell he was crazy about her. Wasn’t he? Or were his feelings for Etta all tied up in what she gave to him?
Suddenly, JJ felt like a self-centered, selfish man. “I do care about her, Deacon.”
“Didn’t say that you don’t. All I’m saying is, don’t let your desire to get between her legs make you spout promises you don’t intend to keep. She deserves more than that.”
He stood and took his cup to the sink. “Moreover,” he looked over his shoulder as he dumped what was left in the cup down the sink. “If you hurt her, you’ll answer to me. You hear me?”
“I do, sir. And I won’t. You have my word.”
“Then we’re good, son. And it’s time we got saddled up.”
JJ rose, dumped out the untouched cup of coffee, rinsed the cup, and followed Deacon outside to the barn. It was good they had this roundup. It didn’t require much conversation and gave JJ a chance to think about things.
Like whether his feelings for Etta were the kind that meant something, or if he was just another self-serving man wanting a beautiful woman to love and cater to him until he didn’t need her anymore.
*****
Etta walked outside and looked around. She’d taken care of everything she had on her plate for the day, but wasn’t ready to head to her house yet. It was still hot, with only an hour until dusk. Plenty of time to go for a swim. That sounded good. She’d skipped her run this morning because of the mountain of paperwork piled on her desk. Mason had two more patients due to check in within the week, soldiers who were coping with limb replacement from an IED in Afghanistan.