by Ciana Stone
“Sure.”
She sat down on the dirt and petted the cubs. They’d grown quite a lot, but were still kittens at heart and loved to play. The problem was, their claws were deadly. She deterred them from using her legs as a balance beam by directing their attention to something else, like getting their bellies scratched. That was one of their favorite things.
“I can’t believe they let you scratch their bellies. It’s hard to get a regular house cat to do that.”
“Not if they trust you. Sit.” She patted the dirt beside her and he sat down.
Betty, the female immediately got to her feet to sniff Silas. He allowed it and after she was satisfied, she put her front paws on his chest, stood on her hind legs and gave him a nice lick across his chin.
“I think she likes you,” Etta said.
“She’s pretty.” Silas stroked Betty and scratched behind her ears. “JJ trained them?”
“Pretty much.”
Silas looked over at her. “I was there when he made it back, you know. I saw—him. What had happened. I didn’t think he’d make it. It was bad.”
“Yes, it was. But physically he’s made remarkable progress. He’ll have scars, but I’d say he’s regained his strength and agility.”
“And up here?” Silas tapped his knuckles against the side of his head.
“He’s almost there.”
“Almost isn’t good enough.”
“You’re preaching to the choir. I made that mistake once. I won’t again.”
“With Gabe?”
“Yes. Did you know him?”
“Met him. Didn’t like him. No offense. He was just too—” Silas turned his gaze directly to her. “The truth was, it felt like he liked killing too much. That’s not what we’re about.”
“No, it’s not.”
“But we can’t back down from it, you know? And JJ? He’s gotta pass class if he’s gonna survive out there, Dr. Whitestone.”
“I know, and it’s Etta, please.”
“Thanks, Etta. I know Angel thinks the world of you, and he’s not one to give praise unless it’s earned, and Commander Johns as well. You saved his life and for that alone, I’d walk through hell for you.”
“I don’t want anyone to walk through hell for me, Silas.”
“I know, but we do what we have to when we have to. You feel me?”
Etta smiled. “You sound a lot like Grady.”
“Birds of a feather, ma’am.”
“Yes, indeed. You certainly are. Okay, so why don’t we get the rest of the animals fed and then I’ll head back to my office and let you get back to the men?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Etta smiled and stood. She still wasn’t convinced that trouble really was on its way, but in the off chance that it was, she sure felt better having men like Silas and the other SEALs staying at Sanctuary.
Chapter Twelve
“Maybe Angel is overreacting,” Etta commented as she prepared for her session with JJ.
“That would be out of character.”
She looked over at Deacon, who stood staring out of the window. When she met him, he was the personification of a military commander. His boots were always polished, his uniforms crisp and clean and his conduct impeccable. He was Command.
Etta smiled to herself as she remembered. When he’d turned that icy stare on her the first time, she’d been intimidated. No. Scared. There was power in that stare. But then he smiled and she saw beneath the wall of ice.
She fell a bit in love that day. Who wouldn’t? Deacon was one hell of a fine man. Fit and firm and strong as an ox. Age had not detracted from his looks, but added an element of indestructibility and dominance. He looked like someone born to command and wore it so well that it was an aphrodisiac.
He hadn’t lost a bit of that since the day they resigned their commissions and walked away. Even dressed like a cowboy in worn jeans, a button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to mid-arm, and an old Stetson, he presented a picture of strength, supreme masculinity, and vigor.
Now, as he stood at the window with his thumbs hooked in the front pockets of his jeans and his boots dusty from the walk to her office, she couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt that it was because of her that he was here. He could be making a life for himself somewhere, with someone who loved him, and she had no doubt whatsoever that he could find plenty of women willing to audition for that particular role.
Hell, there was a time she’d begged for it. He’d turned her down flat, of course, and while it had stung like a bitch, she understood. They were already family. Maybe she was the daughter or sister he’d never had. There was love aplenty between them, but it would never cross that line.
She was okay with that, but as more time passed, she was less okay with the sacrifice he made every day and she resolved to face that with him once things settled down.
“It’s been ten days, Deac.” She turned her attention back to the matter at hand. “If Angel’s intel was right, we’d have gotten a ping from someone.”
“Maybe.” He turned to look at her. “But we’ll give it more time.”
“Okay, you’re the boss. So, can I ask you about that course the guys are building?”
“What about it?”
“Mason says it’s part of a bigger plan for Sanctuary.”
“Correct.”
“What plan? Or is that above my pay grade?”
“It’s not a secret. Grady has been talking to Angel and since the others have been here, they’ve been providing feedback as well. If the plan is approved, the military will buy up land adjacent to Sanctuary and we’ll build a training center. The course is just to give the men something to do, and a dry run, so to speak.”
“A training center? For SEALs? With nothing but a lake?”
“For any special forces.”
“Interesting.”
“I thought so.”
“And will you be involved?”
“Depends on Angel, but Grady requested that I be given command.”
“You’d go back to active duty?”
“I would. Would you?”
“I haven’t been asked.”
“What if you were?”
“Then I’d think about it.” She heard the outer door open. “That’s probably JJ.”
“Then I’ll let you get to it.”
“Okay, see you later.”
Deacon nodded and then greeted JJ who stopped just outside Etta’s office door. “Good morning, Jasper.”
“Good morning, sir.”
JJ stepped aside for Deacon to pass and then entered Etta’s office. “Good morning.” Etta rounded the desk with her tablet in hand.
“Good morning.” He waited for her to take a seat in her customary spot beside the window. Today, rather than sitting on the couch, he chose to stand at the window.
Etta watched him for a minute. JJ had changed since the other SEALs had arrived. They were not just a stabilizing influence on him. It was almost as if he drew whatever it was he’d lost or had had ripped from him from them.
She found it fascinating. “Is there anything you’d like to talk about today?”
He turned, crossed his arms, and leaned one shoulder against the window frame. “Yes. We haven’t really talked—hell, we haven’t done more than pass pleasantries since the other guys arrived. I’d like to talk about you. And Gabe.”
“I don’t see what purpose—”
“Don’t even go there. It’s pretty clear that you’re either trying to pretend that there’s nothing going on between us and never has been, or I’m a hell of a lot crazier than I thought and dreamed it all.”
“It’s neither.” She set aside her tablet, rose, and moved to the window to take a seat on the wide ledge.
“We agreed not to let it go further as long as I’m your doctor, and you’re right. We haven’t had any time together since the others arrived. Nevertheless, these sessions are about you and your healing.”
“Yes, b
ut doesn’t healing include helping me with things that keep me from moving forward with my life?”
“Of course.”
“Then we need to talk about you. And Gabe. And Deacon. And us.”
Etta looked away, but nodded. “What do you want to know?”
“Did you love him? Gabe?”
“Yes.” She raised her head so their gazes could connect. If nothing else, he’d know she offered honesty.
“But you killed him.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“That day was… hell. When those men burst in and all the shooting started, I had no idea Gabe was with them. When I finally saw him, I was confused. Why was he there? It never occurred to me that he was with the enemy.
“Then Deacon went down and all I could think about was him. I was so scared he would die. I called for Gabe, thinking that between the two of us we could save Deacon. Get him to safety.”
Etta paused and looked out of the window for a moment, trying to stem the flood of images in her mind. She felt JJ’s hand on her arm and she looked at him. “When I saw him pointing his weapon at Deacon, it knocked me for a mental loop. It made no sense. But when he looked at me, it did.
“I’ve seen fear and pain, confusion and rage in a man, but I’ve never seen that level of malice. It burned in his eyes, was stamped in the expression on his face and his voice dripped with it.
“It terrified me, but I told myself it wasn’t real. I had to be imagining it. This was Gabe. My husband. So, I tried to appeal to him. That’s when I realized that the man before me wasn’t the man I loved. He was someone I didn’t know. Someone who’d led the enemy to us and someone responsible for all the deaths. He was the man who was going to kill Deacon.
“And then he was going to kill me.
“Honestly, at that moment I didn’t much care if he did shoot me. My career and my life were meaningless. He’d obliterated both. But Deacon? He couldn’t kill Deacon. So, I picked up the gun and fired.”
“You saved him.”
“And then he saved me.”
“What do you mean?”
Etta shook her head and turned away from him. “I went through a bad time after Deacon was released. When I no longer had him to worry about, I—I kind of fell apart. And I was under review. Remember, I certified Gabe fit for duty. It was my fault he was put back in action.”
“It wasn’t your fault he was a traitor.” JJ took hold of her shoulders and forced her to face him.
“No, but it was my fault I didn’t suspect it. I never, not once, suspected he’d been turned. I felt like I deserved to be court-martialed and have my licensed suspended. I was one worthless piece of shit who had cost way too many people their lives.
“And I was a doctor with a prescription pad. Which I used. I went on a bender. Took pills, drank, and fucked my way through half a county before Deacon stopped me.”
“He stopped you?”
“He did.”
“How?”
“He basically knocked me out with my own pills, hauled me onto a plane, and took me to his home where he locked me up and made me get sober.”
“How long did it take?”
“An embarrassingly good while. I was an impossible bitch. I tried to bribe, seduce, beat, and threaten him but nothing worked. Finally, he drowned me.”
“Pardon?”
“He drowned me. In the kitchen sink. He grabbed me by the hair, dragged me into the kitchen, and shoved my head into a sink of soapy water. And drowned me.”
“Well, he obviously brought you back.”
“Yes, he did. I imagine there have been times he regretted doing that.”
“Why?”
“Because I turned all my attention to him. I tried everything I could think of to get to him, to get him to get in me. I was a nightmare and I’m ashamed, but I did it.”
“Did he? Get inside you?”
“No. Deacon’s a man of honor. He worked me like a dog, talked to me like a friend, and treated me like a cherished family member. And in time, I started to heal.
“He went to bat for me and I was found innocent of any wrongdoing, but I needed to leave the military, get away from everything that reminded me of Gabe and what happened. Deacon resigned his commission and for a while, we stayed at his place. Then one day he said it was time for me to get back to work and told me I had an interview. I got on a plane, went to the interview, got the job, and he met me there.
“We’ve been together ever since.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s my guardian angel.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’ll have to ask him about that because it’s his tale. But he promised to take care of me and look out for me until I didn’t need him anymore and I guess that time hasn’t come yet.”
“Do you want it too?”
“Honestly? I don’t know. I don’t know if I could live without him in my life. But I do want him to be happy and have a life of his own—one of his own choosing.”
“And what do you want? For you, I mean?”
How could such a simple question be so difficult? Even as she asked herself that, she knew that the answer wasn’t difficult at all. She knew what she wanted. She was just terrified of reaching for it and coming up empty-handed.
“Etta? Tell me. What do you want?”
“Someone to share my life with. Someone to be my friend, my lover, my partner. Someone to pick me up when I fall, and someone who will let me pick him up. I want someone who isn’t afraid to challenge me, and to tell me I’m wrong when I am. And I want someone to not be pissed when I tell him he’s wrong when he is. I want a mate—someone I can depend on and someone who knows he can depend on me because I’ll always go to the wall for him. I’ll give my last breath and do so gladly because that’s what love is.”
“Thank you for being honest, Etta. I needed to hear that.”
“And?”
“And I need to figure out if I can truly be that man. I’d like to think I am. I want to be so much I can taste it. But it’s been pointed out that I spend more time thinking about getting back to my unit than anything, so I have to figure out what that says about me and how I feel about you. See, I think you deserve the best and if I can’t be that, then I have to walk away and make room for a man who is.”
“Isn’t that unselfish of you?”
JJ completely missed the sarcasm in her words. “I do love you, Etta. In my own screwed-up way. I just don’t know if it’s enough. But I’m going to figure it out.”
“That’s good, JJ. Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?”
He shook his head. “I think we’ve covered it. See you later.”
“Yes. See you.”
She watched as he walked out, then turned and stared out of the window for a long time. It’d been a while since she bared her soul to someone, and she was surprised she’d chosen JJ as the recipient of that revelation.
But then, it was JJ who had climbed into her heart. Just her luck. She’d fallen for a man who wasn’t sure he could love her back. Deacon was right. She should never have let herself step across that line with JJ.
Now the question was, how did she convince herself to stop caring?
Chapter Thirteen
Etta kicked off her shoes, peeled off her socks, and continued her cool down by wading along the edge of the lake. “You run a good pace,” Brodie Judge commented from beside her.
“Are you serious? You annihilated me.”
“You kept up.”
“Barely. But thank you. I guess you drew the short straw today.”
“It’s not a hardship to run with you, Doc.”
“Ditto, Mr. Judge.”
“Brodie.”
“Only if you call me Etta.”
“Deal. So, did you give that UTV I customized for you a try? It’ll now haul a trailer with a full size cow if you need.”
“I did and it’s pretty impressive. I also noticed it has a whol
e lot more get up and go than before.”
“More power, baby.” Brodie grinned.
“You do have that need for speed, don’t you?”
“Guilty as charged.”
“Well, everyone needs a way to blow off steam, decompress, and all that. I heard through the grapevine that you’re also all kinds of extreme sports.”
“Not all kinds. I like to climb.”
“Mountains?”
“Anything.”
“So, you have all the gear, the spikes and ropes and I don’t know what the correct terms are.”
“No. I like solo climbing.”
“You don’t have gear for that?”
“Well, you have a good pair of climbing shoes.”
“That’s it? No harness, no safety ropes, or anything? Isn’t there something you need besides a pair of shoes?”
Brodie chuckled. “A grip of death.”
Etta shuttered. “No thanks.”
“Well, it’s not for everyone.”
“Amen to that.”
“JJ climbed with me a few times.”
“Did he?” Etta looked away until Brodie laughed, then she turned her gaze to him again.
“You’re as bad as he is.” Brodie commented.
“Pardon?”
“You and JJ. You’ve got it as bad for him as he does for you.”
“I don’t know what would make you think—”
“It’s in your eyes, Doc.” Brodie leaned in a little to be more on eye level with her.
Etta didn’t bother to argue. What would be the point? She did have feelings for JJ, but he’d made it clear that he wasn’t sure if his feelings ran deep enough.
“So now you’re the psychiatrist?” She tried to tease.
“Nope, just a man with eyes.”
“And nice ones at that.”
“Watch it, Doc, or I’ll be giving JJ a run for his money.”
Etta heaved an exaggerated and overly dramatic sigh. “A girl can only dream.”
“Smartass.” Brodie chuckled and made a grab for her, but she dodged and ran. He caught up, grabbed her around the waist, and in three giant steps was knee deep in the water.
Etta’s laugh was cut short as he dived, taking them both under. When they surfaced, he looked toward the shore and his eyebrows rose. “Oh, oh.”