This Time Around

by Walker, Aimee Nicole

  What he really wanted to know was why I stayed away from him. “I was a kid out in the world on his own for the first time, Milo. I lost track of who I was, where I came from, and the people who loved me.”

  I saw in his eyes that he knew the answer was more complicated than that. I also knew that he was jumping to conclusions—most of them were probably right. I was young, unattached, and horny. What right did he have to look at me so accusingly?

  Anger flared inside me, but I remained calm outwardly when I said, “You were the one who broke my heart, Milo.” That wasn’t entirely true; our history was too complicated to blame our breakup on one event. Besides, if I was honest, I’d acknowledge that my actions pushed him into it.

  Milo got to his feet. “I broke both of our hearts, Andy.” He looked and sounded disappointed—defeated even. Milo knew that whatever my story was, I wasn’t ready to share it with him.

  My appetite and anger left me as quickly as Milo did. I had wanted him to meet me halfway, and he tried. I was the one who rejected his attempt, so the only person I had to blame for things going south that night was myself. Daniella boxed my dinner along with a huge piece of pie then offered me a sympathetic smile when she returned my debit card to me. “Andy, things worth having don’t come easy. Don’t give up.”

  “Thanks, D.” I leaned forward and kissed her cheek.

  It was a nice thought, but too much time had passed. What Milo and I had when we were younger was all we were meant to have. It seemed silly to wish for anything else. I just needed to convince my heart.

  “You just had to ask, didn’t you, Milo? You couldn’t just leave well enough alone,” I added, berating myself the next morning after a night of broken sleep.

  Andy’s answer led me to believe he had found ways to get over his broken heart, or should I say he found guys to help him get over me? I couldn’t be angry, because I was the one who broke up with him. Andy wasn’t the only one who assuaged his misery by finding someone who could help him forget his pain. Unfortunately, my evil brain chose to show me how Andy spent his years away from Blissville, and it looked like a CockyBoys highlight reel.

  But then Andy jerked the zebra-striped rug out from under me with his softly spoken rebuke. “You were the one who broke my heart, Milo.”

  I woke up feeling exhausted, angry, and so turned on I couldn’t see straight. Eventually, I became Andy’s bed partner in my dreams. I ran my hands all over that gorgeous body, lingering on his broad chest. I mean, I hadn’t seen Andy shirtless since he returned home, but I could tell he was bigger and stronger than he was at eighteen years old. I had no trouble imagining just how gorgeous his shoulders, pecs, and biceps looked. I was always drawn to men who were a lot bigger than me. Andy had always made me feel vulnerable and safe at the same time. It was something I hadn’t felt since we broke up. Sure, I’d dated big guys during his twelve-year hiatus, but I never found that same emotional connection with anyone else, no matter how hard I tried. And boy, did I try. I could’ve written the book on fake it ’til you make it. Well, some things a guy can’t fake, but you catch my drift.

  I sure as hell wasn’t a saint, so I had no right to be mad at Andy. Logic and sensibility had always fled my brain when it came to him though. Damn it! He made me so fucking angry, but that didn’t stop me from fantasizing about him while jerking off in the shower. Sure, in my spank bank slideshow I called him an asshole while he rimmed mine. I yanked his hair and rode him like he was a prize bull at the rodeo. I’d never had angry orgasms until Andy returned to Blissville, and now I seemed to be addicted to them. I’d become a damn junky looking for ways to piss him off so I could remember the smoldering look in his eyes later when I was alone.

  The powerful climax only made me sleepier, which was why I kept dropping shit and burned my hand on the fucking espresso machine again when I opened Books and Brew the next morning.

  “Fuck me!”

  “Okay,” a deep voice said from behind me. Too bad it didn’t belong to the man who starred in my dreams. “You shouldn’t leave the rear door unlocked. You never know what kind of riffraff will just waltz on in here.”

  I turned around and pasted a smile on my face. “Tucker, you know that the health department would frown on the kind of icing you’d have me drizzle over these pastries.” I gestured to the tray of Danishes I’d pulled from the oven.

  Tucker Garrison was the guy I dated in high school after I broke up with Andy. He was as big as Andy, if not bigger, and a gridiron king instead of the baseball star I couldn’t seem to get over. I dated Tucker during the final two years of high school but we went our separate ways after graduation. I cared about him, and we had some great times together, but my feelings for Andy prevented me from giving him a real shot. Unfortunately, that hadn’t changed even though I saw in his eyes how much he wished it would.

  “Maybe some other time,” he teased.

  Leading him on wasn’t something I wanted to do, so I changed the subject. “What’s up, Tuck?”

  A slow grin spread across his face as he raked his eyes over my body. I had braced myself to hear “my cock” or something similar, but he didn’t go there. “On my way home after a long shift. There was a nasty house fire out on Halverston Road early this morning. Luckily, we were able to get the family and their pets out. Their house and everything they owned is gone though.” It was then that I saw the exhaustion in his eyes. “I thought a hot chocolate might just be the thing to help soothe me to sleep since I won’t have a warm body to cuddle up next to.”

  I didn’t touch that one either. “I’m sorry you had a rough shift. I’ll happily make you a hot chocolate,” I said, leaving off the to go part. “Would you like a pastry too? I just need to ice them.”

  “Now, we’re talking. I’m starting to perk up now.”

  “No, no,” I said. “Let’s not perk anything up. I’m talking about the stuff I make from confectioners sugar.”

  Tucker snorted. “I know that I don’t stand a chance in hell with you. I keep hoping though since he’s been home for two years now, and I still don’t see a ring on your finger.” I might not wear a ring on my finger, but Andy still had a tight grip on my heart. Even if Andy had never returned, there was no future for Tuck and me. We had our fun years ago, and I wasn’t looking to repeat it. Too bad I couldn’t say the same about Andy.

  I carefully drizzled the icing over the pastries with real blueberries and a lemon tart filling inside. I boxed two of them for Tucker, but I’d have given him the entire pan if it shut him the hell up. I couldn’t go anywhere without someone commenting on or alluding to my non-relationship status with Andy. It only added to my misery. Why, if everyone thought we should be together, couldn’t I forgive his absence and move forward, either with or without him.

  A deep chuckle rumbled from Tucker’s chest after I stayed silent for too long. I wished it sent tingles up my spine like Andy’s did, but the only thing I could offer him was friendship.

  “I hope the two of you sort your issues out soon so the rest of us can stop holding out hope that a certain coffee shop owner could return their feelings.”

  “Us?” I asked dryly. He made it sound like he was the president of the Milo Miracle Fan Club. I am pretty fabulous, but I suspected that Tuck was grossly exaggerating my appeal to the residents of Blissville. “Tuck, I wish I could feel differently. I really do.”

  He crossed the expanse of the room and stood in front of me. “Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you. I know you can’t help who your heart wants, and I want you to be happy. Even if that’s not with me.” Tuck placed a big hand gently around my neck and pressed a kiss to my forehead. I closed my eyes to keep from crying. Fuck! Why couldn’t I be in love with this guy?

  “You are one of a kind, Tuck,” I said when he stepped back.

  “That’s what my mama says.”

  “She’s right. Someday, you’re going to find a guy who deserves all the amazing things you have to offer him.” I handed him the box of pa
stries then made a large hot chocolate to go. Tuck kissed my cheek when I passed it to him. “Get some rest, okay?”

  “That won’t be a problem. Think about what I said,” Tuck told me as he headed for the back door. “Life is precious, don’t waste it.”

  Not long after Tucker left, I heard horrendously loud hammering going on upstairs. Now, Andy had worked on those upstairs apartments for a solid month and had never made that kind of noise. It was almost like he was prodding me to come upstairs and confront him. The longer I stayed downstairs the louder he got. No matter where I went in the coffee shop or bookstore, he seemed to be directly above me, pounding away. Yeah, I was hot-blooded and horny as fuck by the time my last frayed nerve snapped. Luckily, it was midmorning when I’d finally had enough. The early rush was over and both the coffee shop and bookstore were fully staffed when I slammed out of the back door of the shop and let myself in the separate entrance for the upstairs apartments.

  The crisp air wasn’t enough to cool me down as I tromped up the steps loud enough to alert Andy that I was coming. I found him in the same apartment as the night before when he was putting up new two-by-fours to frame the separate rooms. I was shocked by how much progress he’d made since I was up here the previous night. Andy was down to the last few studs that would create a master bedroom.

  “I’m here now, Andy. You can knock it off. Most guys would call or text, but you bang and bang and bang until I can’t take it anymore and come up to confront you. That’s some passive-aggressive bullshit, Andy.”

  “You’re a self-centered little prick, aren’t you?”

  Ouch! I had to admit that stung hard. “I am not.”

  “You think everything is about you, don’t you, Milo? Maybe I have other things going on in my life that don’t revolve around you. Do you ever think about that? Maybe those issues are what’s causing me to take out my frustration on these innocent pieces of wood.”

  My anger vanished instantly. Had the situation been less serious, and I wasn’t so worried about him, I would’ve offered to let him work out his frustrations on my not-so-innocent wood, but not with a hammer. “What’s wrong, Andy?”

  “It’s not your concern, Milo. Nothing about me should concern you.”

  I always heard that the truth hurt, and boy, did it ever. “I don’t want to be angry anymore, Andy. I want…” I was afraid to voice what I wanted because he had every right to laugh in my face.

  Andy’s shoulders slumped as the fight drained right out of him. “I don’t care what you want anymore, unless it has something to do with this project, Milo. You are a paying customer after all.”

  His words lashed at my soul and stole my breath away. I could feel my face heat with humiliation. “Just try to keep it down, okay. It’s hard for people to cozy up to a book and a cup of coffee with all the banging going on. It hasn’t been a problem up until now, so that’s why I came up here. I won’t bother you again, Andy.” I turned and headed back out the way I came. Don’t cry, Milo. Don’t cry, Milo. Channel Peach and hold your head up high. I’d made it through the apartment and almost reached the hallway before his strangled voice stopped me.

  “Wait.”

  I stopped but I didn’t turn around. I wouldn’t be able to look at him without breaking down. I didn’t realize how badly I wanted to bridge the chasm between us until it was too late. Andy had made it very clear that my time to do what was right had passed me by while I was too busy trying to provoke him into making the first move. I was a fucking idiot and had no one to blame but myself. I stood and waited for his final verbal ax blow to strike me down. When the words came, they weren’t at all what I had braced myself to hear.

  “Are you and Tucker a thing again?”

  Like a bad case of herpes, my anger came roaring back. It obliterated my urge to cry and gave me the courage to face him with my head held high. “You’re such a liar, Andy. At least you’re good at it now. I’m not sure if I should applaud you or be upset. You really had me convinced that you were angry about something besides this thing between us, and that I no longer meant anything to you. Oh, I mean a whole lot to you if you’re asking me about Tucker.”

  Andy narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “You’re not going to answer my question, are you?”

  “After this little stunt?” I asked incredulously. “Hell no. I won’t make it that easy for you.”

  “Nothing about you is easy, Milo. You make me fucking crazy.”

  “And you’re welcome,” I said sassily, before I pivoted and returned to work.

  I should’ve felt happy that the hammering was less obnoxious, but my brain was still restless when I joined Maegan for lunch in her small office at the back of Curious Things. Nothing between Andy and me was resolved, we continued circling one another, and I didn’t see an end in sight. I poked at my Caesar chicken salad instead of eating it, not unlike how I took a stab at Andy every chance I got instead of kissing him.

  “What’s going on, Milo?” Maegan asked.

  I glanced up and looked into her worried green eyes. “I was going to ask the same about your eyebrows, Mae.”

  “I’m being serious.”

  “I am too.” I gestured to her forehead with my fork. “I don’t think your eyebrows are even related, let alone sisters. I think you should insist on a DNA test.”

  “I have an appointment with Josh after work. He’ll sort them out.”

  “And maybe he can fix your roots too,” I suggested.

  “Aren’t we a catty bitch today. What’s the matter, Milo? Andy won’t take the bait and play your silly games?”

  “Look who’s being bitchy now,” I replied with an exaggerated pout.

  “Did you guys have a fight?” Maegan almost sounded hopeful. She probably thought we’d kiss and make up afterward and everything would be magical and perfect. That’s how it used to be when we were younger, but we were so far removed from the boys we used to be.

  “Let’s talk about you and the detective instead. I heard that one of your neighbors filed a noise complaint with the police department last night.”

  Maegan’s face turned blood red. “Oh my God!”

  “Yes! That’s what you were shouting at the top of your lungs when Mrs. Kippert walked by with little Mitzy. Good thing she had her cell phone handy and reported the possible abuse going on inside your house.”

  My twin sister covered her face with her hands. “I can’t believe this,” she mumbled. “I should be mortified that they sent a cruiser by to check on me, but they were just doing their job.”

  “Hopefully it’s just your ego that’s bruised and not your cervix,” I teased. “Are you getting a manicure while you’re at Curl Up and Dye? You could get a purplish-blue polish to mark the occasion.”

  “Milo!” Maegan practically shouted. “Quit deflecting and tell me what’s going on with Andy.”

  “It’s nothing,” I told her, waving away the concern I saw in her eyes.

  “I call bullshit. I’ve seen every emotion cross your face this morning. That’d be great if you were a mime putting on a show, but I can tell that Andy working so close recently has taken a toll on you. I’m sorry that I pushed the idea of renovating the second floor into apartments. I had hoped it would force the two of you to see how much you still mean to one another.”

  “Things are really fucked up, Maegan. I don’t know what I’m going to do now. I’ve played this game with him for so long that I’m not sure he would believe me if I suddenly stopped.” I told her about my two most recent exchanges with Andy. She just shook her head sadly. “It’s not just me though, Mae. I tried to meet him halfway and only asked for him to tell me why he stayed away so damn long, and he wouldn’t even tell me that.”

  “Oh, Milo,” Mae said softly. “In case you haven’t noticed, Andy is nothing like the proud, arrogant guy who left town fourteen years ago. I suspect his reasons for staying away are the same ones that caused him to become a more humble person.” Maegan reached across the table and sq
ueezed my hand briefly. “I would never encourage you to pursue someone I thought was bad for you or didn’t want you. Andy wants you, and I know he is the right guy for you. It’s time for both of you to stop playing games, take a chance, and be honest with one another. I know you’ve tried but give him time to accept that you really meant it. Why would he bare his soul to you if you weren’t truly vested in hearing it? Don’t give up, Milo.”

  I thought about Maegan’s words for the rest of my shift. She was right. Andy and I both deserved better than to live this way with the constant bickering back and forth while trying to make each other jealous. I was the one who broke Andy’s heart fourteen years ago, so I would need to be the one who broke the vicious cycle.

  Andy’s truck was still parked in the alley behind the shop when I finished work for the day. He must’ve seen Tucker’s SUV parked behind the café when he arrived for work and jumped to all kinds of conclusions. I wouldn’t be able to repair two years of ridiculousness with a few words, but I could at least set him straight about Tucker.

  My second time up to the apartments was a little slower and a whole lot more hesitant without anger and annoyance propelling me up the steps. I rehearsed what I wanted to say, but totally lost my train of thought when I came face-to-face with Andy. More like face to chest. Oh. Dear. God. His bare chest was sexier than I even imagined. I just stood there staring at his masculine perfection, not bothering to ask why he was sweatier than normal. I was just grateful for my blessings.

  “I think something is wrong with the thermostat,” Andy said. “It just keeps getting hotter and hotter in here.” You could say that again. “I’ve called Paul to come check it out. It could be something simple, so don’t worry that you’ll have to replace the heating system.”

  “I’m not worried,” I said when I could finally speak.

  “My eyes are up here,” Andy said wryly.

  I snapped my eyes up to meet his. He smiled broadly, and I think I breathed easy for the first time that day. It was the carefree grin I had known and loved so much when we were teenagers. “About Tucker—” I stopped when the smile slid from his face.