by WC Child
In moments of honesty and truth, I knew what I was searching for and why. Adam still had my heart. I needed to get it back. When he left me behind, I felt the same range of emotions that festered in me after my mother left me behind, only deeper. My mother inherently loved me because I was her child. Adam chose to love me because of the person I was. It often amazed me that the hurt from so long ago lurked just below the surface, ready to pounce when the moment presented itself. When I was with Adam, that anger was held at bay because he filled that void in my life. After he left me, a gaping hole remained where my heart belonged. I didn’t know if it would ever be filled.
Corrosive memories haunted me and convinced me I still wasn't good enough to be loved. Maybe if I still had one of them, Adam or the baby, I could have moved on. I would have been content with the part of him that existed in our child. Anything would have been better than having no man in my bed and no child in the crib. I didn't believe I would ever feel whole again. Big Mama tried to show me the light, but I shielded my eyes from her truths. I was convinced I knew what was best for me and ignored everything she warned me about. When I finally woke up from my puppy love coma, I realized the mess I had made of my life. The second chance I had been granted to live without the violation fruit tethered to my body was squandered. I had been freed to move beyond those 143 days, but chose to build my own lust-filled trap and fell into it without an escape route.
During one of our Sunday night calls, I complemented Big Mama on the long, loving relationship she had with Big Daddy. I wondered aloud why I was never able to settle down and function in a long-term relationship. I didn’t know how she would respond, but it didn’t take long for me to find out.
“Maybe it’s because you settled for the next warm body that would fill the space between your knees, without regard to the matters of the heart.”
The brutality of her honesty left me speechless. My prolonged silence offered an opportunity for her to continue with her assessment without my response.
“Have you ever asked yourself why you are still so mad at him?”
“I already know the answer to that question. I am angry because of what he did to me. He broke my heart and treated me like I never mattered.”
“I know Adam hurt you deeply, but you have to forgive him.”
“Forgive him? Not after all he put me through. No. Not gonna happen.”
“Not now, but someday it will. If not, you will continue to carry that hurt around, allowing it to block the path for love to find you again. You have to figure out how to forgive someone who didn’t think they did anything wrong. Somehow, you’ve got to love yourself more than you dislike him. Forgiving Adam is the first step you need to take.”
Disgusted by Big Mama’s comments and how close they actually were to the truth, I abruptly ended the conversation. She didn’t understand the depths of my hurt or could she appreciate how hard I tried to regain my balance. Regrets ate away at my soul and rendered me virtually lifeless. I was afraid to let my heart feel very much of anything anymore, but unable to quell the desires of my body. She insinuated I didn’t love myself. Maybe that nosey, opinionated old woman was right.
Chapter 29
Closure
After the last conversation with Big Mama, I dreaded our next exchange. I didn’t refuse any phone calls, but I didn’t make many either. Maybe that was the source of the guilt I felt when Big Mama called about Big Daddy. If I wanted to say goodbye to him, there was not much time. His chronic illness had progressed over the last couple of years and I was sure he was ready for his rest. I believed I had made peace with his condition, but when I saw him lying there, it broke my heart. His eyes lit up with recognition when he saw me. Those same eyes had shown me forgiveness and love during my foolish phase. Both of our eyes filled with joyful tears as we embraced. I sat with him for many hours during his last days. More love than I could ever imagine passed between us during that visit. I was glad I was able to say goodbye.
Although our minds were prepared, the shock of his passing still took our breath away. I didn’t believe I would encounter a finer man. He took on the task of not only being my grandfather, but also my advisor, my father and my protector. He was my example of what a real man should look like. I realized how fortunate I had been to have shared my life with such a wonderful man. I knew he had loved me from my beginning to his end.
The memorial ceremony was befitting for how he lived his life. I was humbled by the number of well-wishers that visited our home to support Big Mama. Considering the gravity of the occasion, she showed incredible strength and grace. She consoled others more than she accepted solace for herself. I was not surprised. That was who she was. She had been that same person for as long as I could remember. There was no way she could change.
Although our home was filled with dozens of people, I had a feeling someone was watching me. When I turned around, I saw Adam. It startled me. The possibility of this reunion was never considered. After he walked over to me, I slowly scanned his face. I took in every nuance of it and marveled at how much he hadn’t changed. It had been years since we were that close. I still remembered his smell, the strength of his hands, the shape of his mouth, the brightness of that smile and the power behind those eyes. His eyes still sparkled. I looked into them briefly, then quickly looked away. I was afraid to look in his eyes for very long. Those eyes and that smile had mesmerized me and wooed me until I was pregnant, broken and confused.
Adam sensed my apprehension and started the conversation by giving his condolences. I said nothing. I settled my mind and eyes on anything other than his face. I couldn’t allow myself to get caught up in nostalgic feelings that were going nowhere. He grabbed my hand and I quickly pulled it away. I couldn’t believe he had the nerve to touch me again. I thought it was very presumptuous of him to invite himself into my personal space. When I wanted and needed his touch, he refused. He didn’t deserve to touch me now. Adam acknowledged my rejection of his actions. He raised his hands in the air, as if he was under arrest. Not wanting to cause a scene in Big Mama’s house, we went outside. We began to walk, as we once did, around the yard. Those walks had been our bonding moments and the route we took was natural for us. A bit of nostalgia tried desperately to nudge its way into my mind. I rebuked those thoughts and kept myself closed off to any pleasantries of the past. For my own protection, I crossed my arms behind my back and clenched my fists as we walked. I didn’t want any part of me to inadvertently connect with him. We stopped under a shade tree and Adam began the conversation again.
“How’s college?”
“Good.”
“You look good.”
“I know.”
We both laughed and relaxed a bit. After the laughter subsided, there was silence. Adam became fidgety as he struggled to find his words.
“Is there something in particular you want to say to me? If not, I need to get back inside with my grandmother.”
He cleared his throat and finally said, “I’m sorry for how I treated you. You deserved better. He looked at me. I remained silent.
Adam put his hands in his pockets and looked down at the ground before he continued. “I was scared. I wasn’t sure I could have been the father and the man our situation required. I turned my back on you and ran away when you needed me the most. I am so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?”
My mind stalled and my thoughts abandoned me. I forgot the words to the speech I had rehearsed. Before my mind could tell my mouth what to say, the word “yes” escaped from my lips. I was shocked when I heard it. I couldn’t believe what I said. I looked around to see who had joined our conversation. It was still just the two of us. What had I just done? I always thought I wanted him to suffer, but I realized it was pointless. In order to keep him in bondage, I would have to remain there myself. I had been stuck there for too long. It was time to move forward.
“Thank you,” were the next words I heard.
Adam moved closer
and started to hug me. I was caught off guard. Fear caused me to stiffen up and maintain distance between our bodies. But I had to know if I still needed him; if I was able to let him go. In an attempt to get closure, I embraced him. When our bodies met, I felt something, but it was not love and longing. I felt my heart coming back to me. I pressed harder into him to ensure the transference was complete. Then I physically and mentally let go of that part of my past. I had forgiven him and had taken back my life power. I gave it away just steps from where we stood. It was befitting it was reclaimed there. When we disengaged, I thanked him for giving me my heart back. I left him standing in the yard puzzled about what that meant. I realized how wise Big Mama’s advice had been. I had been holding on to that hurt for far too long. That chapter was almost closed.
When it was time to go back to school, I was a ball of emotions. My mind couldn’t help but go back to the time when my own mother suffered from grief after the loss of her spouse. She melted away inside until only her shell remained. I knew the depth of the love and commitment between my grandparents. Suffering such a loss had been tough for me, but it undoubtedly was much harder for Big Mama. I offered to sit out a semester or to change schools so I could be closer to home. She would hear nothing of the sort. She assured me she would be fine. My gift to her and to the memory of Big Daddy would be to complete my education. The world was waiting on my gifts.
Things changed for me once I got back to school. I realized I had been living a marginal life, bogged down with useless baggage and rubbish. I kept a cigar box full of photos and trinkets given to me by Adam. I hung on to those items as a way to stay connected to the life that had left me behind. I knew it was time to permanently close that chapter by disposing of the remaining tokens of my past. With purpose and decision, I ripped the photos and love letters into pieces. In celebration of my freedom, I threw them up into the air and smiled as the pieces fell around me like confetti. I felt lighter once I finally dropped the two-hundred-pound weight of my past. It was time for me to move forward. It was time to become the woman I knew I was meant to be. The reckless, childish behavior I once exhibited ceased and I concentrated on my educational aspirations.
My graduation celebration was more of an emotional experience than I could have imagined. I toyed with the idea of not participating in the traditional ceremony. I considered the accomplishment of earning a college degree the most important thing. Big Mama quickly set me straight on that notion. She explained that the festivities were not just for me, but for the people who sacrificed and supported me throughout the process. There was no way I could not honor them with the confirmation gesture. I represented the first person in my family to receive a college degree. My only regret was that Big Daddy would not witness my success, but Big Mama symbolically made his presence possible. Before the ceremony, Big Mama gave me Big Daddy’s pipe. I was overwhelmed by the joyful memories of his love that it brought me. I tucked the pipe in the waistband of my pants and allowed him to escort me across the stage to accept my degree. With my diploma in hand I whispered, “We did it Big Daddy, we did it.”
Chapter 30
On My Own
My academic accomplishments opened up many professional opportunities. I selected a position that brought me closer to home. With this new job I was finally able to be out on my own and truly self-sufficient. It was very liberating being an independent woman and I truly enjoyed my current life. There had been a time when I doubted that I would recover from my past, but I kept working toward restoration. Now, it was my time to spread my wings and find my own path to happiness.
Big Mama visited a couple of times and made it a habit to call me at least twice a month. During one particular phone call, Big Mama informed me that she finally moved out of the old house into something more manageable. I was sure her explanation was partly true, but I was just as sure that since Big Daddy passed, the house that had been their home together was no longer a place of joy for her. I would miss visiting her there, but I understood. Big Mama rambled on from topic to topic, never seeming to land on the true reason behind the call. When she felt it was safe, she broached the subject of my mother again. I had a feeling in my gut that I would not enjoy her topic of conversation. My gut was right. It was not the first time she had advocated on my mother’s behalf. Each time she did, I made it clear I had no desire to open myself up to be hurt again by my mother. I closed the door on that situation years ago, but Big Mama kept opening it. She could be like a dog with a bone when she set her mind to something. Maybe she thought that if she continued to bring up the subject, I would eventually concede. She underestimated me. I inherited a stubborn streak from her.
From what I gathered, my mother resumed the relationship with Big Mama and expressed the desire to reconnect with me. I was always mentally exhausted by any conversations we had about my mother. Those exchanges unearthed thoughts and feelings I felt were better left buried. I knew she meant well, but thought she should leave well enough alone.
“Your mother wants to see you. I think it’s time you did.”
“Well, I don’t.”
“Don’t you think your mother deserves the same kind of consideration that you gave that no-good boy that nearly wrecked your life? How hard do you think it was for your Big Daddy and me when you broke our hearts with all that lying and fornicating you were doing? But at the end of the day, the love prevailed and we forgave you. That’s what matters most. If you ain’t made any mistakes that you don’t regret, keep living.”
“Wow, I can’t believe what I’m hearing right now. I can’t believe you went there. That was a low blow.”
‘No, baby, that was the truth. There is no substitute for family. You should learn to forgive even when you don’t fully understand why some decisions were made. You seem to forget that everything she did, right or wrong, she did for you. Now you have the nerve to act like she’s never done anything for you. Shame on you for acting like you’re too good for your own mother.”
“The shame shouldn’t be forced on me, it’s hers. You seem to be overlooking the fact that she abandoned me with you. Why didn’t she want me to be with her? I’ll tell you why. It was so that she could be free to run the streets and start a life without me. She wasn’t thinking about me. When is she going to pay for how she treated me? For what she let happen to me? She didn’t have time for me then, so I don’t have time for her now.”
“How can you be so selfish and unforgiving toward someone who sacrificed her own life for you? She never asked for anything in return. Life is too precious for you to act like this toward your mother. You better wise up and stop taking her for granted. Life is not promised to us from one day to the next. You should know how quickly life can change right before your eyes. You already lost your daddy and Big Daddy. Don’t make your mother dead while she’s still living. Please baby, open your eyes before life back-hands you with a reality that will leave you with a black eye and an even bitter heart.”
In an attempt to hide my anger, I took a deep breath before I responded. “Big Mama, I am trying to remain calm and respectful, but you are making it hard for me. Why do you always try to shove that woman down my throat every time we talk? If she is what you want to talk about every time you call, I would prefer that you don’t call me anymore.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Yes, I do. Maybe if you would stop trying to run my life and worry about your own, we would be able to have a normal conversation.”
The sternness in her voice let me know she was not pleased with my response. Without a doubt, she was standing with her hands on her hips. “You think you have it all figured out, don’t you? You have a college degree, but you still need a lesson on life. I hope you are able to pay the price for the cost of that education. Life can change as quickly as the direction of the wind. One day you might find yourself in the middle of a storm with no shelter in sight.”
I remained silent and breathed my objection into the phone.
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“Maybe when you stop fighting the truth, you will begin to understand what I’m trying to protect you from. The best lesson is a learned lesson. I just hope you are prepared for the homework you’ll be left with.”
More silence dominated my side of our conversation.
“I love you baby and I only want what’s best for you.”
“I know Big Mama”, was all I could say.
After we said our goodbyes, I thought about what Big Mama said. I understood how right she had been about forgiving Adam and I knew she was probably right about reconciling with my mother. But I would decide when the time was right for me; not her. I wasn’t ready to let go of my hurt and my anger yet.
Chapter 31
Time’s Up
More than the customary two-week time span passed without speaking to Big Mama. I was fine with the lack of contact. There had been a couple of calls the week after our less than cordial verbal exchange, but when I saw the area code, I decided not to answer the phone. The last conversation had ended poorly. I knew I said some things I didn’t mean and was wrong for not answering that call. More than likely, it was about her. I was trying to help her understand that I was a capable adult who could make decisions about my life without any interference from her. I was content to wait another week or so before I called her again. Maybe by that time she would have abandoned her attempt at orchestrating a family reunion between my mother and me. The consequences she would face for her continued interference had been made clear by my avoidance campaign. I was determined to stand my ground and teach her a lesson about boundaries. I was acting out of anger and would apologize the nest time we talked. In the meantime, I needed my space.