by Alana Khan
“Spoils of war,” he indicates with a wave of his hand. “Well, not war exactly. We’re pirates, we stole all this drack.” He walks to the closet, grabs black pants and climbs into them. “What you see in this room alone is probably worth forty, maybe fifty thousand credits. You should take a look in our hold.” He looks happy—and proud.
“The pirate life agrees with you, Thantose.”
“I know it’s too early for you to decide what you want to do with your life, but I’d be honored if you stayed on here with us. I could teach you every aspect of life on board this ship: piloting, navigating...stealing.” He winks. “You’ve been...out of commission for a long time. I understand you’ll need time to figure things out. I want to give you that. I want to give you time.”
He sits on the bed as he pulls on socks and boots. “Let me give you some clean clothes. Next planet we touch down on you can buy what you want. Develop your own style. I imagine trends have changed since you were in a store.” He smiles again.
The muscles in my face tighten. Is it in jealousy? Yes. I’m jealous of his easy manner. With him, everything is a joke, a laugh. It’s like he’s never struggled a day in his life. I can’t even imagine what that would be like. I tear my thoughts from this maudlin line of thought.My cousin’s been nothing but kind. I shouldn’t be angry that he’s had an easy life.
“Here—underwear, clothes. Take off that filthy rag; I personally want to jettison the motherdracker into deep space.”
He must see every muscle in my body stiffen. “Unless you want the privilege, cuz,” he amends, raising his hands in mock surrender.
My jaw tightens as if my teeth are bonded together. I look down at the clean clothes, folded neatly in my open hands. If I were a normal male, I would tear off my loincloth and slip into these new pants without a second thought.
Males in our culture are comfortable in our nudity. If I hurry to his restroom, it would be odd. If I spend one extra modicum in this dirty loincloth it would be odd. I am literally paralyzed as if my feet are nailed to the floor.
He has to see the confusion on my face, probably my fear, too.
“Drack, Devolose. I know I’ve done something wrong. Just tell me what I’ve done. I mean the best for you. I want to get to know you. I want to be friends. I’ve offended you in some way…”
The male means no harm—that’s clear. He prayed for my safe return for decades; he loves me like a kinsman should. His usually-happy face is serious, his brows knit downward. We’re going to be on this ship together for a while; I realize there’s no need, and probably no way, to keep my secret.
I set the clothes on the bed and hold his gaze with mine. I face him, unwrap the loincloth, and let it drop. I watch the expression on his face transform incrementally, seeing each emotion change in turn with every passing modicum. Surprise, then shock, deep repulsion, and after long moments, a sadness so profound he can’t control the tears that sprout from his eyes.
“Cousin,” is all he can say, still unable to tear his eyes from the ruined place where my manhood should be. He stands and grabs me, hugging me harder than I’ve ever been hugged. He’s sobbing. The hug serves the purpose to camouflage his sorrow as well as offer me some comfort.
I remind myself I’m a stone. A heartless, dead stone that has no feelings, no emotions whatsoever. It’s not working. As if for the first time, I allow myself to recognize my own loss. I’m out of that dracking dungeon. I don’t have to fear for my life every moment of every day.
Maybe it’s the love contained in this hug. Maybe it’s the safety and distance from Emirus, but some of the hard shell around my heart breaks open. I note the exact instant this happens. This moment will go down in my history as the most agonizing point in my life.
I had thought my worst moment was when my cock was placed on the hard, cold stone and the blade came down upon it. But I was wrong. This minima, right now, as I’m experiencing the fullness of the loss for the first time. Yes, this. This is the most excruciating moment of my life.
I try to use the skills I developed during decades in the dungeon. I attempt to turn my thoughts to other things. Thinking of what makes me angry usually does the trick, but it doesn’t make a dent in my anguish. I try to crawl back into my protected heart of stone—no luck—that wall has been cracked.
I have to stand here and feel the agony roll over me in waves of sadness. Drenching me in their severity. My knees are about to buckle, but I’m held up by Thantose’s fierce hug.
I don’t know how long we stand here, him holding me, sending me the love and concern of a blooded kinsman. The waves of pain and loss dissipate. My muscles bear my full weight. The worst of the emotional storm has passed.
I step away, girding myself for the look I’m going to see on my cousin’s face. He’s concealed his feelings; his expression is placid, like a store mannequin. I’d prefer his cocky smirk.
“Is there nothing that can be done, Devolose? Nothing?”
“The doctor on board The Leaf says not.”
“Will you...will you at least consult our medic?”
I try to suppress the shame that bubbles up from deep inside. It is what it is, I am what I am. Why keep it a secret?
“What could he do that a physician could not?” I ask as I pull on the black multi-pocketed pants and a stretchy black shirt that hugs my chest.
“He’s been a medic longer than you’ve been alive. Perhaps he knows something…”
“Feed me and the female, then I’ll speak with him if it makes you happy.”
“Yes, it would make me happy to exhaust all avenues to help you.” He steps toward the door, then turns to me. “So that,” his eyes glance in the direction of my pants zipper, “is the cause of the tension between you and your female?”
“She is not my female. She has a sickness. Her planet identified a mental syndrome where a person bonds to their abuser.” Thantose’s eyes widen in surprise. “I was forced to...harm her. Now she doesn’t want to be separated from me. I’m trying to convince her to return to her home planet.”
“A syndrome, huh? I hear on planet Abachae they call love a sickness—a hormonal imbalance. They developed medication for it. Perhaps she needs some of that; she certainly acts like she’s in love with you, cuz.” His gentle teasing is full of concern.
“She’s confused. She’s been through a lot. We’ll get her back to her Earth, she’ll forget this—forget me.”
I barely hear his cynical words as he turns to leave. “Certainly. She’ll forget you as quickly as you'll forget her.”
Chapter Four
Tawny
Devi and Thantose knock on my door just as I’m pulling my t-shirt over my head. They bring me to the kitchen where we’re served heaping bowls of what Devi calls sumra. It’s noodles in a faintly sweet milky concoction. Kind of tasty.
“Not exactly like my mother used to make, but close,” he praises Destin, a young crew member who seems thrilled that Dev likes his cooking.
“Thank you, sir.”
“Call me Devolose, or Dev.”
“Yes, sir,” the young male says, then winces at his mistake.
We all laugh. I catch the look on Devi’s face—he’s laughing, too. I’ve never seen his lips turned upward in a smile, never even seen his face calm or placid. I breathe a little easier, believing maybe for the first time, that he can recover from almost ninety years of torment. I don’t, for a moment, however, believe the same about myself.
“My cousin tells me you wish to go back to your home planet, Tawny. I’ll have you speak with our navigator. You can tell him the coordinates and we can take you home. Perhaps we might make one or two detours to plunder a ship or two along the way.” He smiles and winks at me.
“Devolose doesn’t speak for me, Thantose. Thanks, but I have no desire to return to Earth. As I explained to him, there is absolutely nothing for me there. I’ll be clear,” I turn to Devi as I keep speaking, “No family, no friends, no job, no pets. No. Desire. To.
Go. There!”
Thantose laughs out loud and spears Devi with a hard look. “This syndrome, cuz, it causes the female to scold the male in public? Perhaps I misunderstood.” He good-naturedly shakes his head. “She doesn’t seem all that confused to me.”
“I don’t have the syndrome,” I chime in. “It’s a bullshit explanation for the fact that I like hanging out with Devi.”
Thantose laughs again and slaps the table with one hand. “Maybe it’s this syndrome that makes Tawny sound like she knows exactly what she wants. What say you, cuz?”
Dev scowls at both of us. The lightness of a moment ago is lost. My chest tightens. Will he never believe my feelings for him are real?
Devolose
I didn’t invite Tawny to medbay with us. She asked to go back to our room rather than explore the ship on her own. I wonder if she’s been enclosed in a small cell for so long she’s uncomfortable with open spaces, or maybe it’s all the large, colorful alien males wandering around.
Thantose escorts me to medbay and introduces me to Seneca, an older male beginning to show the signs of age. He amiably welcomes me, grasping my wrist in greeting the way non-kinsmen do to honored guests on Primus.
“My cousin has a serious health concern.” Thantose gets down to business, closing the door to the tiny, sterile, metal-walled exam room. He looks at me, letting me know it’s up to me to proceed from here.
I remove my pants and sit on the exam table. The cool metal is a shock to my balls. After showing myself to my cousin, it appears I’ve discovered the best way to do this is the wordless reveal.
Seneca displays his annums as a medic by the stoic expression he presents. Not a muscle in his face even twitches. He just pulls up a rolling seat and scoots close between my legs.
He dons sterile gloves and touches around the opening I piss out of.
“How often do you get infections?” his tone is all business.
“It was hard to tell the passage of time in the dungeon. About once an annum.”
“I may be able to have the medbot do a surgical revision to reduce the likelihood of infection. I could do additional research into a prosthetic that will give the look of an actual penis. The last article I saw in a journal showed some very realistic pictures.”
He rolls a few fiertos back, pulls off his gloves and tosses them in the receptacle. “The prosthetic will never have feeling; you’ll never be able to get an erection. I don’t predict the science will advance that far in your lifetime.”
He looks at me and continues, “Your testicles are healthy. It would be an easy procedure to harvest your sperm to accomplish impregnation. Tell your female it would be a quick, painless procedure to do that...well painless for her, a slightly painful procedure for you.”
I quickly tell him, “She’s not my female. She doesn’t want my sperm,” before I take a moment to consider the full impact of what he told me—that there is no hope for me to be a complete male. It’s not news to me; I’ve never dared to hope for that.
I scoot off the table and climb into my pants.
“Thanks, Seneca,” Thantose says, getting ready to hurry me back to my room. Perhaps he assumes I want solitude to mull over this information.
“Thantose,” the medic says, “I respect you a great deal. You’re a good captain, an excellent leader, and you’ve made me a rich male. But, you can be…sardonic at times. I have something I want Devolose to hear. I’d appreciate it if you would treat it seriously.”
I half expect Thantose to lighten the mood, make a joke, deny his tendency to tease, but he pulls up his chair, sits down, and looks expectantly at the medic. I sit on the edge of the exam table, my arms crossed against my chest.
“I was a young male. It was my first assignment. I was newly enlisted—just learning comms, not allowed to do much. I didn’t take medic training until decades later. We were in the Ariz sector which had never been fully explored.
“We were severely low on rations, especially food and water. We stumbled upon an uncharted humanoid-supporting planet and took the risk of exploring for food sources.”
The medic seems so serious. I assume he has something important to say. I also assume it’s about me—otherwise, why are we having this discussion? I have no idea why he’s drawing out this story; perhaps it’s a symptom of his age.
“Some of the males who grew up in rural areas were sent on a mission to find and kill local game. City dwellers like myself and a few others were allowed to explore for recreation.
“A first-annum mechanic, a cook’s helper, and I separated from our friends and stumbled into a wooded area that butted up against the side of a mountain. A double waterfall flowed off the top in two streams. It splashed into a calm, blue pool at its base, and then merged into a meandering river. The planet was lovely. I always refer to it in my mind as ‘Paradise'.
“We shucked our clothes and lazed in those azure waters for several hours, then returned to the vessel.”
He pegs me with a serious gaze. “The reason I tell you this is that two weeks later when that young cook handed me my portion of food one evening, I noticed the two fingers of his left hand that had been fully amputated in a cooking accident had grown completely back.
“He was happy to show me his hand. Even the nails had regenerated in perfect condition. There was no scarring, no mark of any kind that would indicate that the fingers had ever been harmed. He told me the only thing he could imagine to explain the regrowth was the waters we swam in on that planet.
“I always wanted to return, but I’ve never again been near that sector. I marked the coordinates in my journal, such was my desire to return one day.” He tears his gaze from mine and spears Thantose with a serious look. “Perhaps today is the day to plot our return to Paradise.”
It’s complete drack. Perhaps the medic is older than he looks and has the beginnings of the failing sickness. I wait for my sarcastic cousin to laugh and tell the doc not to joke about serious things. I scoot off the table, knowing there will be no further discussion after Thantose makes his cutting remark.
My cousin’s face is serious as he asks, “You saw this with your own eyes, Seneca? It’s been many annums, could you have misremembered?”
The medic looks at me, then back at Thantose. “I wouldn’t joke about such a serious thing, captain. I remember it as if it was yesterday.”
Thantose stands from his chair. “I’ll tell Marcus to plot a straight course to Paradise. No fun and games between here and there.” He turns to leave.
“Do I have a say in this?” I ask. Both males give me a questioning glance.
“This injury is two decades old. I am not young. My cock is not a finger. Even if I believed the story, and I’m not certain about that, the odds that this miracle would work for me are ridiculously low.” I don’t want to get my hopes up. I learned long ago that hope is a very dangerous thing.
My cousin approaches me and claps me on the back. “I’m the captain,” he says with fierce determination. “We’re going to Paradise. Sorry, cuz, you’re officially along for the ride.” He flashes me his brilliant smile. “I have a very painful hangnail on my right index finger. I want to bathe it in the waters of that splendid blue pool Seneca spoke of. Perhaps you’ll join me for a swim.” He pushes through the door and proceeds down the hall without me.
Chapter Five
Devolose
I burst from sound sleep to full-on panic mode in one modicum. My brain immediately processes a blood-chilling wail, then launches into even higher anxiety when I realize the noise is coming from Tawny’s throat.
She’s thrashing in the covers next to me, no longer screaming, just saying “no” over and over. She’s still sleeping.
I call her name, softly at first, then louder. I don’t want to touch her, instinctively knowing it would be anything but reassuring. Her eyes finally pop open and she looks around the room, panicked and panting.
“Devi.” She launches at me, curling herself against my chest
, her fingers grasping my shoulders so hard her nails bite into my flesh.
“Oh my God, Devi.” She nestles her head against my neck, sucking my scent in through her nose.
I understand what she’s doing; she’s grounding herself back to reality. My hands are at her back, roaming from her waist to her shoulders—reassuring her. “It’s okay, Tawny. We’re on the Tranquility. We’re safe. No one is going to hurt you.” I pet her soft, brown curls, repeating “it’s okay,” over and over.
Her breaths are no longer coming in quick gasps, her respiration has slowed. Her nails aren’t digging into my skin. Her back and arms relax.
“Why is the dream worse than the reality? The emperor was...doing his thing to me, but the dream was more terrifying than when it really happened.”