by Danica Flynn
I barked out a laugh. “Yeah, I’m just trying to decide which jersey to wear.”
“Um...Kennedy, no?”
“Hey! I’ve been a fan of this team since birth, I did have a tiny crush on Patrick O’Sullivan back in the day. He’s probably why I like hockey.”
“Holy shit, Sully! That’s crazy to me that a guy like that’s still playing hockey in his forties!”
“I know, right? He’s like ancient in hockey terms.”
She laughed on the other end.
I fingered the Kennedy jersey in my closet. “Okay, Kennedy jersey it is. I’ll see you soon.”
“K!”
I laughed as I hung up with her. I think her and Rox would get along great. Hell, she was kind of Rox’s type, but I was team Filey all the way. I wore the black Kennedy jersey and a pair of black skinny jeans. I ended up Ubering to the Mexican restaurant in South Philly instead of driving, and figured Fi and I would figure out how we wanted to get to the arena later. I had met Fi a couple times at various book cons and such, but this was the first time we actually hung out. Getting to know her at the party last weekend had been a lot of fun.
I slid into the seat across from her, and she looked up from her beer with a smile. “You made it!” she greeted.
“I did!” I grinned back at her. “Was stuck in a pile of edits.”
She grimaced. “Ugh, I feel you girl. What book number are you on?”
I took a bite of the chips on the table, until a waiter came by and I gave him my order. “Two and three. Two is on deadline and supposed to come out this summer, and three is on draft one.”
She nodded her head in understanding. “Book three is coming out for me this summer. I don’t know what I’m going to write after this trilogy’s over.”
“Maybe you should try your hand at something different,” I suggested.
She seemed to ponder this, but I noticed she was studying her beer a little too much.
I eyed the silver band that was still around the finger on her left hand. “How are things with Riley?” I asked.
“Um...well you know they’ve been on the road, so kind of weird?”
“Did you miss him?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.
She gulped down the rest of her beer and sighed. “Yeah, I think I really did.”
“So what’s the problem?”
She shrugged. “I feel like he’ll just get bored with me, I don’t see a guy like that wanting to settle down with one woman. Especially not with me.”
She kind of had a point. I always used to think that Riley was the kind of guy who hit it and quit it with a lot of beautiful women. He seemed like a total fuckboy who didn’t “do relationships” but I was pretty certain the woman sitting across from me was the reason why. I had a suspicion that she was the reason he had a lot of casual hookups. No wonder he offered to marry her after her ex left her at the altar. He just wanted to be her knight in shining armor.
Fi shook her head. “What’s new with you?” She must have seen the grimace come across my face, because she placed a hand on mine. “Hey, are you okay?”
I drank a third of my beer. “Um...Noah told me he loved me.”
“That’s good, right?”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “I didn’t say it back.”
Her mouth formed a little “O.” I just nodded. “Well...” she began and then didn’t know what to say. “Well...fuck.”
“Yup,” I agreed.
“Do you not love him?” she finally asked, looking at me with kind eyes. No judgment, she was telling me that I could tell her whatever was on my mind here.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. It feels too early for me, I really want to. I think I might.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
I couldn’t answer right away because our food came and we got busy chowing down. Once we both came up for air, and I was on my second beer, I felt like I could tell her the real reason. “I feel like I’m betraying my late husband,” I confessed with a long-drawn out sigh.
“Oh, Dinah! Just because he’s not around doesn’t mean you need to act like you’re dead.”
“I just...I never thought I would love again after he died.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “If that’s the only reason, then I have to call bullshit on that.”
I shook my head at her and downed the rest of my beer. She was looking at me expectantly, as I finished off my second beer. The thing was, she was so right. I was being difficult for no reason. I had been avoiding going out with anyone since my husband’s death, but Noah, my good old Canadian boy, was the first person I really felt like I could be myself around. Noah was sweet, and I loved being with him, just like he loved spending all his waking moments of free time with me. I think it was time to finally tell him that I felt the same way.
“Come on!” Fi urged. “Let’s get over to the stadium.”
We paid our bill and took a UBER over to the stadium.
Mia practically squealed when she saw us. “Oh my god, you made it!” she exclaimed.
“Hi, Mia,” I told her with a smile as she hugged me tight and then did the same to Fi.
I looked to the ice and saw the boys coming out of the tunnel for warm-ups. My heart swelled when I saw a helmet-less Noah skating around the zone and slapping pucks into the net. He must have seen me because he slapped the glass with his stick as he skated past it. I smiled to myself, and felt Fi poking my side.
“See!” she exclaimed.
Mia looked between the two of us, her blonde hair waving back and forth. “What?” she asked confused.
Fi rolled her eyes. “Dinah’s unsure if she loves Noah or not, but look at her face!”
Mia joined Fi with the eye rolling and I gave them both a scowl and my middle finger. They both laughed. “Okay, girl, you need to spill,” Mia urged.
I sighed and ran a shaky hand through my hair. “Noah told me he loved me.”
“Awww!” Mia cooed, but when she saw my face, her expression darkened. “What happened? Why do you look like he kicked your puppy?”
“I didn’t say it back,” I explained with a grimace.
Mia gave me a pointed look. “Why not?”
I shrugged. “I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet, but maybe I do?”
Fi was poking me again. “She’s just being difficult.”
Mia nodded. “Yeah! Every time I look at you I can see the love coming off both of you. Just tell him how you feel.”
I bit my lip. I knew they were both right. Seeing Noah out on the ice where he belonged and the warmth that spread across my chest when I looked at him, proved it. I still felt a little guilty about it though, but I knew I shouldn’t.
I changed the subject so we could stop talking about my insecure love issues. Fi went to go get us another beer, even though I probably didn’t need a third beer. I felt nervous as the puck dropped and I watched Girard win the first face-off. He passed it up the blue line to Riley who stick-handled it out of the neutral zone. The team passed it back and forth, but only got a few shots on goal before it was turned over and Chicago got possession of the puck. I saw Noah hopping on the ice during the shift change, and my heart raced while I watched him take to the ice with such speed and determination that it made my heart soar with pride. God, he was good at this sport, and I loved watching him slicing into the ice on his skates and dominating his opponents. He was still considered a rookie to some, but this was just the start of what was clearly going to be a successful NHL career.
He skated alongside Hallsy, passing the puck up the blue line, when he was slammed hard into the boards from the opposing defenseman. Noah was a big man so he could take a hit, and hockey was a physical game. As a fan, I was used to the fast paced hard-hitting nature of the sport. It was what made things so exciting, but my nerves were firing off on all cylinders when I saw that Noah was having trouble getting up off the ice. My head thrummed in panic, but I remembered to breathe when he shook himself off and got up on his skates. TJ took t
he face-off in their opponent’s zone, but lost the puck again. I heard the boos from the crowd, and I was right there with them. The boys really needed to get another win out of this shittastic season. I was rooting for them, but I was also a Philly fan, I had grown up used to disappointment.
I watched the play go back-and-forth down each end of the ice. I looked for where the players went, not necessarily where the puck was going. I cheered when Noah lobbed a messy wraparound goal into Chicago’s net, and then booed with the rest of the crowd when Chicago’s coach challenged it for offside.
“Offside, my ass,” I seethed out loud, which just made Fi laugh and spill some of her beer.
We booed together when the officials called off the goal. The anger swelled up inside me for Noah. I practically felt the frustration that he felt. I saw him on the bench shaking his head and using smelling salts with TJ.
I was cheering with everyone else when Hallsy had the puck and passed it to Noah. Noah took the quick wrister, but then he was slammed into the glass and he didn’t get up this time. The guy who hit him, held his hand up for the officials and they whistled the play dead. TJ skated over to the guy and was getting into his face. Atta boy. Noah still hadn’t gotten up and Hallsy was bent over him, trying to talk to him. A hush of silence rung out across the stadium, with every Bulldogs’ fan holding in a breath, just waiting for Noah Kennedy to get his ass up off the ice. A lump formed in my throat when I saw the trainer come up to talk to Noah. Slowly he got up on his skates with help from Hallsy, while TJ and the other player were being pushed away from each other by the refs. Noah seemed slow on his skates, and he needed help getting to the bench.
All the blood rushed to my head when I saw him being taken down the tunnel and he didn’t come back for the game. In a flash, my mind went to that awful night when I couldn’t get a hold of Jason. I paced in our condo wondering why he wasn’t home from work yet. No text, no call, no nothing. I was angry, thinking he was cheating, until I got the call from the hospital that he was in an accident and he hadn’t survived. Watching Noah get slammed into the boards like that unearthed all those old feelings, and I knew that I couldn’t start anything serious with him. The thought of losing him too was too much.
“I can’t do this,” I admitted aloud and started gathering my things.
“D!” Fi called after me.
I just shook my head, called an Uber, and got the fuck out of there. As soon as I got home, I texted Noah that I couldn’t do this with him and turned my phone off. It was an asshole move, but I couldn’t have my heart break again.
26
NOAH
Having your bell run during a game was the absolute worst, especially when you knew your girlfriend came to watch you play and you were afraid you messed everything up by telling her you loved her too soon. I had to sit out the rest of the game and have the doctors test me for a concussion. They were worried about me, but I passed the baseline test, so it was all right. In between periods Coach LaVoie came to see me.
“How’s the head?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Got my bell rung a little, but I think I’m okay.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “Are you sure?”
I just shrugged, because honestly who knew when it came to head injuries. I felt fine right now with the adrenaline of being in the zone and then tomorrow I could be in a fog.
“We’re going to scratch you for a few games, just to make sure you’re okay.”
I groaned. “Come on, I can play.”
“Don’t argue,” he said before walking away.
This freaking blew.
LaVoie ended his career early because of concussions back in the day, so maybe he was just extra cautious when it came to his players. I was too pissed to even look at my phone until I hitched a ride with TJ back to our shared condo. What I saw on my phone hurt worse than my head.
DINAH: I’m sorry, Noah. I can’t do this.
“What the fuck?” I yelled out loud.
TJ raised an eyebrow at me and cut his eyes back to the road. I threw my phone down on the floor below me. This was NOT freaking happening right now. Why? I clenched and unclenched my fists throughout the whole ride home. My heart felt like an empty black hole inside my chest, filling itself with rage. I couldn’t even look at Dinah’s door, instead just barreled inside our condo.
TJ went into the kitchen, poured a shot of vodka and handed it to me. “Here,” he said shoving it towards me. “You need this.”
I took it without answering him. I downed the hatch and exhaled, running a shaky hand down my face. I had a shit game and now my girlfriend decided to end it for reasons that seemed unknown to me. What in the actual fuck? I was too angry to even respond to her text and she hadn’t sent anything further. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong. Because I told her I loved her? If it was too soon for her, that was fine for me, but to just break up with me?
TJ looked up from his phone. “You want to talk about it?” he asked cautiously.
“No,” I huffed.
TJ clapped me on the shoulder. “Okay, well we’re on the road again for the next week, so how about you just focus on games?”
“I’m scratched for a few games.”
TJ winced. “Sorry, man.”
I poured out another shot and made him do one with me. I slammed the glass back down on the table. “Did you know?”
“Know what?”
“That she was gonna break up with me?” I asked with a sigh.
TJ shook his head. “No. I thought things were going really well between you. What happened?”
I shrugged, but I think I knew what had happened. I scared her away by telling her I loved her, but I couldn’t take it back. Even though my heart felt like it was ripped in two right now, I knew that I loved her with every fiber of my being. I loved that woman so fiercely, but she would never see me in that light. She did the smart thing by breaking up with me instead of stringing me along. But damn to do it over text when I was having a shittastic game, that was kind of cold. I never thought of Dinah as being a cold person. She was a little flaky at times and got into her own head, but never a cold-hearted person.
TJ continued to stare at me for some time and I just stared off into space with my own thoughts. He cocked his head at me. “Kens, are you okay?”
I shook my head. “Not in the fucking slightest.”
“Are you sure she broke up with you?”
I pulled out my phone and showed him the text message. His brow furrowed and he shook his head. “This doesn’t seem like her. Were you guys fighting?”
I scratched the back of my head and took my phone back from him. “No...I mean things have been awkward between us since I told her I loved her.”
His eyes widened.
“What?”
He cringed. “Maybe she wasn’t ready for that.”
“I didn’t expect her to say it back, I told her that.”
“Did you respond?”
I shook my head.
“Don’t. Give it a day and sleep on it.”
I left my phone on the counter, and just headed to bed. It wasn’t that late, but I felt like the moon was crushing down on my world and I was spinning out of control. All I wanted to do was sleep and not think about anything, but my bed was cold without the small woman I loved curled up into my side. I spent the night staring at the ceiling just thinking of everything I did wrong to make her turn away from me.
TJ woke me up in the morning, as we had a travel day before the next week of games. We had back-to-back games in Anaheim and San Jose, then in Tampa, before returning for a home game Saturday afternoon. I was going to travel with the team, but coach didn’t want me to play in California. So I went to morning skate, let the medical staff fuss over me, watched video, and went to all the meetings, but I wasn’t really there. I wasn’t myself and everyone was worried that it was a concussion, but I finally had to admit it was just heartbreak.
“I’m fine,” I seethed at the team’s
doctor. “It’s not my head, it’s my heart.”
He nodded his head and clapped me on the back. “You’ll get through it, there’s always another girl.”
After the game in San Jose, I went out with the boys for drinks, but I felt my phone burning a hole in my pocket. I pulled it out and stared at the screen at that sentence some more. I didn’t want to respond at all, but I had to know why. I had to know what I did to make her just end it all in a snap decision.
ME: Why?
I saw the dots typing, then they stopped. That went on for a little bit, but stopped again. I shoved my phone back into my pocket and guzzled down my beer. I flagged down the waitress for another and pretty much gulped that one down quickly too.
Riley eyed me with worry. “Kennedy...”
I gripped the glass hard in my hand, so hard I thought I was going to break it. “I’m fine.”
He leaned back in his chair and took his phone out too. He was typing something and looked up at me with a worried glance. The silver ring on his finger glinted underneath the low bar lights.
“Ri, are you seriously still married?” I asked.
“Yeah, man, wooing my wife takes time,” he explained.
“Why aren’t you in like an open marriage or some shit?” TJ asked.
Riley balked at that and gave him a dirty look. “I DON’T cheat.”
TJ stood up to go talk to the cute Asian girl he had bought a drink for earlier, leaving Riley and I to stew in our lady drama. Riley turned to me and said, “I asked Fi to check in with your girl, she can’t figure out why D just up and broke up with you either.”
“Appreciate it, man. I think I scared her away,” I admitted honestly as I took another swig of my beer.
He raised an eyebrow. “You told her you love her, didn’t you?”
I nodded.
Riley scratched his jaw. “I don’t think that’s why she broke up with you though. I’ve hit on her multiple times throughout the years, and she’s only had eyes for you.”
“I just don’t understand.”
“She was there when you took that big hit, maybe it scared her. Maybe it made her think about all she went through with her husband dying?”