by Mark Adams
Polo R. Bear told his sheepish friend Monty Wooly he was going to Alaska. Monty’s cousin, Big Horny Sheep, told Polo that Alaska was too cold for bears. It was all snow and ice. Horny said Alaska was so very, very, very cold the sun didn’t come out in the winter. Summer was just very, very cold but the sun came out. Even at night!
In Alaska big Horny Sheep sold Polo R. Bear a coat with a white wool lining and told him to wear it inside out to blend in with the snow-covered land. (Adam knew of “protective colorization” but was unaware polar bears’ black skins actually retains body heat.)
As a real estate agent Horny Sheep rented the vacant cabin of Trapper Dorr to Polo. R. Bear. While walking to the cabin Polo gathered ice encrusted branches and sticks to use as firewood in the cabin.
In the morning the cabin was warm and even smelled of coffee brewing and bacon frying. The fire Polo made before going to bed was still burning.
An ice-covered branch Polo picked up to use later as firewood was actually a frozen snake named Stanley who thawed out during the night. Stanley had kept the fire burning and was cooking breakfast. Stanley was no ordinary snake!
During the long winter months in the cabin, Polo and Stanley grew to be good friends but Stanley also kept growing, by Spring Stanley was a mile long!
When the sun came out for the summer Polo R. Bear put on his wool-lined coat but unfortunately Stanley died of sunstroke.
What made Stanley grow longer and longer as a snake? Why was he so smart? He could beat Polo R. Bear playing chess!
If you ever meet Polo’s Uncle Ishmael he would tell you Stanley was not a snake at all! He was just an ordinary Alaskan earthworm.
Things aren’t always what you expect.
Why Polar Bears
Live In Alaska
Before moving to the North Pole from Florida, Santa Claus’ reindeer had trouble pulling his sleigh on beach sand. Poor Rudolph also had sandy paws! And things were bruining at the North Pole.
Santa and Mrs. Claus lived next to the Polar Bears. There was papa Gentle Bear, mama Cuddly Bear and baby Teddy Bear. Teddy loved Santa’s reindeer and gave them carrot-sickles. Reindeer never ever had carrot-sickles in Florida!
It snowed every day and Cuddly Bear told Teddy Bear to button up his big black coat so it would be easy to find Teddy if he wandered off in a snow storm. Polar bears wore black coats in those early days.
Living on the other side of the North Pole was Reynard Fox. Nasty Reynard stole eggs from the Bear’s henhouse.
Whenever Teddy Bear went to see Santa’s reindeer Reynard’s nasty son Red Fox nipped at Teddy’s coat. Gentle Bear went to talk to Reynard Fox about his stealing eggs and his son Red Fox being mean to Teddy Bear.
Reynard promised not to steal eggs from the henhouse but laughed and said boys will be boys and they should settle things between them.
Teddy Bear told Gentle Bear, “I’m bigger so I’ll take care of Red Fox!” Gentle Bear said violence is never an answer.
Teddy Bear promised his father he would never lose his temper so he wore his black coat inside out so the white lining showed. When Teddy Bear took carrot-sickles to the reindeer in a snowstorm he was invisible except for his black nose and eyes. Teddy walked right past Red Fox.
Success of non-violence.
Why Cheetahs Cry
Long time before paper diapers and car seats cheetahs and leopards looked the same. People seeing them together couldn’t tell which one was the cheetah and which one was the leopard.
Cozy Cheetah’s parents couldn’t tell Cozy from her best friend Lucy Leopard when they were little. Cozy was better in running games and Lucy was better in climbing games. Cozy could run faster than Lucy and every other animal. Cozy wished she could climb like Lucy to take a nap on a high limb where the cool air blew.
Going home from school one day Cozy and Lucy met a group of pier rat girls going to the Watering Hole Mall. With the pier rats was a packrat named Rodentia Ratbone who went to the Ratcliff School.
Rodentia’s father Basil Ratbone ran a Swap Shop and was very rich. Every day after school the pier rats walked around the mall talking about boys, clothes, boys, school and boys and everyone called them mall rats. Rodentia and the pier rats asked Cozy and Lucy to go with them.
Lucy said she had to go home to help her mother but Cozy said she could go for a little while.
One of the pier rats said Cozy must use lipstick and mascara to be a mall rat. They all laughed when Cozy asked what lipstick and mascara were. Rodentia said they should not make fun of Cozy because she was young and they had to teach her.
Rodentia told Cozy that grown-up ladies used lipstick to make their lips red and mascara to make their eyes dark and beautiful. Cozy remembered her mother saying Cozy was too young to make her lips red or her eyes dark. She said Cozy must wait until she was older.
Cozy wanted very much to be liked by the pier rats and to be one of their gang. Even though she knew her mother told her not to do it she put on lipstick and mascara. Rodentia said she could wipe off the lipstick and wash off the mascara with water before going home.
Cozy had so much fun being a mall rat she forgot how late it was. When she remembered it was time to go home she wiped off the lipstick and ran as fast as any cheetah could run. Cozy ran faster and faster but forgot about the mascara.
The rain came down very hard and it made the mascara run down Cozy’s cheeks.
Seeing the black marks on Cozy’s cheeks her mother knew Cozy did something she told her not to do.
Cozy was unable to wash away the mascara. Today all cheetahs’ cheeks are marked forever because Cozy wanted to be liked by the pier rats.
Beware of peer pressure.
Why Giraffes Have Long Necks
Before pro basketball’s Shaq, Yeo and Mutombo people thought a giraffe was a horse developed by a committee.
Young Twigga Giraffe lived with his father and mother in Swahili land where they ate the short tough grass of the veldt. Twigga’s little friend Harry Monkey climbed a palm tree and threw down a coconut to Twigga.
Then Harry and his family troop jumped from tree to tree chattering as the Giraffe family used a coconut to play soccer against Diceros Rhinoceros and his powerful cousins from the Serengeti. Equus Zebra refereed the soccer game because he did not favor the Rhinoceros or Giraffe family. Besides being fair Equus Zebra was the only one wearing a proper referee’s coat. His whinny also sounded like a whistle.
After the game they had a party and Rhinoceros, being browsers, used their pointed upper lip to pluck tender shoots from bushes. Equus and Twigga, being grazers, ate the dry grass of the veldt.
The next day Twigga told Harry Monkey he wished he could eat tender shoots from bushes or the very sweet leaves high atop the acacia trees. Twigga couldn’t grow a pointed upper lip but with long, long legs he could even eat the leaves high atop the acacia trees or even play pro basketball when it finally would be invented. Harry said his Uncle Luigi once worked with an organ grinder and saw circus clowns with long, long legs called stilts.
Twigga went to see Professor M. J. (Mumbo Jumbo) Stimson who taught Hocus Pocus 502 at Suntan University. Professor Stimson told Twigga to wish very hard and be very good then he may get his wish to reach the sweet leaves high atop the acacia trees. Twigga was very good and wished to have long legs.
One morning Twigga woke up and had more than his wish. He had long legs and a very, very long neck!
Careful what you wish because it may
come true in unexpected ways.
Why River Horse Is
Called Hippopotamus
Before double strollers and car pools carried children everywhere they went, a horse named I.M. Speedy lived on a small hill near the Nile River. Being a river horse he was very strong.
I.M. Speedy loved to run and his long tail would fly behind him like a balloon tied to the back bumper of a car. He ran faster than any river horse. No other river horse could run faster than I.M. Speedy but he race
d Cozy Cheetah and lost. He didn’t know cheetahs were the fastest animals in the world.
As a Kentucky Colonel finished eating his lunch of fried chicken and was licking his fingers he saw I.M. Speedy racing Cozy Cheetah. The colonel had never seen a horse run so fast and made an offer I.M. Speedy could not refuse. Having plenty of horse sense I.M. Speedy was soon on a boat going to Kentucky.
The colonel fed I.M. Speedy so such good Kentucky grass he turned blue in the face. Then the colonel put a funny little seat on I.M. Speedy’s back where a little man sat. I.M. Speedy ran around a big circle with other horses carrying little men and little women on their backs.
I.M. Speedy ran very fast and won the race because there were no cheetahs running. People shouted and somebody put flowers over I.M. Speedy’s neck and a lady gave the colonel a big cup. It was big enough to be a horse cup.
Speedy met vivacious Filly Delphia, a horse of different color, and fell in love. They were married in a double-horseshoe ceremony and returned to the hill by the Nile River.
When their son Thomas was born he thought the other river colts didn’t like him because he was different. So he never made any friends, played video games alone and grew fatter and fatter. He grew a potbelly and his hips grew wider. His skin pulled so tight his beautiful long tail became shorter and shorter.
Thomas felt sorry for himself and he played video games all day. He grew so big the other young river colts called him Hippo and Pot Thomas. Then everybody called him Hippo-Pot-Thomas.
Today all river horses are called
hippo-potta-muses.
Why Parrots Are Green
Before Gill Bates and Microhard the wealthy blue-feathered parrots lived on Beacon Hill and squawked with a Boston accent. They even had blue beaks! John D. Rockefeller-Parrot, Commander Vanderbilt-Parrot and Andrew Carnegie-Parrot had more crackers than any Polly would ever “wanna cracker.”
Many poor yellow-feathered parrots lived at the bottom of Beacon Hill. All they had to eat were the mere crumbs of crackers dropped by the fancy blue parrots.
Some yellow parrots were even taken from their nests and made slaves. Nat Turnerparrot said it wasn’t fair and he was tarred and de-feathered by blue parrots. Later John L. LeParrot and the UMW-AFL* picketed for more crackers for underpaid yellow parrots. (*Underpaid Mistreated Workers-And Fellow Laborers.)
Jon F. Kenyparrot and Malcolm Exparrot said the blue parrots should give the yellow parrots more crackers. Yellow parrots nipped at the tail feathers of blue parrots and the blue parrots chased after the yellow parrots. Going around and around they turned into a green blur. (When blue and yellow are mixed together they turn green.)
Blue, yellow and green parrots
are all the same,
just parrots.
Why Lions Roar
A long time ago before Sponge Bob and Game Boy a young lion loved to ride the subway so much his baby sitter Mare Zebra said he would turn into a Metro train someday. So everyone called him Metro Lion.
Metro Lion was with Mare Zebra most of the day. His mother Carol Lion was a teacher and father Red Lion was a school principal, king of the Blackboard Jungle.
Mare Zebra was old and her black stripes had turned gray but she played video games and watched TV with Metro Lion. One day Mare played a video of herself when she was a young dancer on TV. Metro asked the old gray Mare to play the video over and over. She was beautiful as she danced on her back legs as Metro clapped his paws.
Metro wished he could dance on his back legs and be on a TV show with old gray Mare. Children would clap their hands and Metro could be a star.
Mare Zebra was happy Metro wanted to be on TV but told him a lion does not dance on his back legs. There were other things he could do on TV and still be a star if he worked hard. Metro’s friends Al O’Gator and Ty Gore laughed and made fun of him when he said he was going to be on TV. To be alone to think Metro went to his special place in the Oribi Gorge. Sitting between the Gorge’s big bush and little bush Metro decided not to listen to them and just follow his dream.
Later Metro’s friend Goldie Fawn came to see him and was jumping up and down. She was going to be on the TV show Sunday Night Laugh Out. Goldie said there was a part for a lion to roar if Metro wanted to go with her.
Metro asked Red Lion to let him go and his father knew how much being on TV meant to Metro. When he was young his parents would not let him follow his dream to be King of the Jungle in a Tarzan movie.
Goldie Fawn, Mare Zebra and Metro Lion became TV stars then decided to go to Hollywood and produce movies.
They named their studio Metro-Goldie-Mare and Metro introduced each movie with a mighty roar.
Dreams may come true by working hard.
Why Flamingos Are Pink and
Stand On One Leg
Long ago Florine Flamingo wondered why she was brown and not pink like other pink flamingos. She kept asking questions. “Why do birds have hollow bones? Why do flamingoes have holes in their toes? Why are some flamingoes pink?
Park rangers think flamingos are pink because they eat shellfish and stand on one leg because they are afraid an alligator may bite their leg. Florine’s best friend was Al O’Gator so she wasn’t afraid of alligators.
Some people think the water is too cold to stand in and other people think the water is too hot to keep both legs in the water. Actually the water is just right so neither answer is the reason. Avian experts think flamingos stand on one leg because if they didn’t stand on one leg they would fall down kerplunk!
Today flamingos spend too much time in the sun between ten in the morning and two in the afternoon. They never use 30spf sunscreen lotion! That may be the reason they turn pink.
When Florine had to think of a project for the Dade County Science Fair at the Flamingo Hotel on Miami Beach she looked up flamingos in “Nature’s Handy Dandy Guide.
Last year the science project “Why water goes up a straw” won a blue ribbon. Florine wanted to win because other birds teased her about the funny holes in her toes. If water goes up a drinking straw why couldn’t the pink water of shellfish go up her hollow leg bones and make her pink?
Well, it worked but a strange thing happened. Pink water squeezed up Florine’s legs made her feathers a very, very deep red.
Florine let the water run back down and her feathers were white again. She wondered what would happen if she used just one leg to get less color. This time her feathers turned a soft pink.
When flamingoes stand on one leg with shellfish in the water their feathers turn pink.
Sometimes too much of good thing
may be a bad thing.
Why Basenjis Yodel
Before people lived in houses and wore pretty clothes the SaDaisy twins, Ali and her twin brother Oop, lived in a warm cave in the Neanderthal Valley. Their father, Pushup SaDaisy, hunted small mastodon with other fathers and their artistic mother, Upp SaDaisy, used burnt sticks to make pictures on the walls of their cave and other cave condos.
A friend gave Ali and Oop two puppies. They told their father the puppies would make good hunting dogs. Pushup SaDaisy said the puppies were too small to make good hunting dogs.
A saber-toothed leopard had frightened the puppies’ mother so Upp SaDaisy knew the puppies couldn’t bark.
(Adam thinks the saber-toothed “tiger” was a saber-toothed “leopard” because ole big tooth had a white tipped tail of a leopard.)
Ali and Oop begged to keep the puppies as pets. Their folks finally said Ali and Oop could keep the puppies. They named the puppies Basenji and Wolf. As Basenji and Wolf grew up they would go with Ali and Oop to gather sticks for the fire in the cave.
Ali and Oop’s cousin Heidi Pimple vitsited from her grandfather’s cave in the Alps. Heidi told Ali and Oop’s her grandfather sang the sound of music across the hills. She called it yodeling. Ali and Oop never heard yodeling so Heidi started to yodel. Basenji and Wolf pricked up their ears and yodeled with Heidi. Ali and Oop were surprised to l
earn Basenji and Wolf could yodel because they didn’t even bark like other dogs.
One day Ali and Oop climbed a very old tree to break off dead branches for the cave fire. A saber-tooth leopard came along and started climbing the tree. Wolf pulled on the saber-tooth leopard’s tail and Basenji yodeled and yodeled for help. Pushup SaDaisy came running and the saber-tooth leopard ran away.
King Tutt heard what happened and he asked the SaDaisy family, Basenji and Wolf to live in his summer pyramid. Egypt was too hot for Wolf so he went on a yodeling tour in Alaska. Basenji was made the king’s chief hunting dog.
When you can’t do what others can do
you may be able to do something
others can’t do.
Why Bobcats Have Short Tails
A long time ago Calvin Bobcats married Bernice Lynx and they moved into a house at Stop 15½ on the Toledo & Indiana Railroad. The small streetcars ran through the front yard of their home.
They worried about their son, Junior Bobcats, playing on the T&I’s railroad tracks with his best friend Patrick Katoflies, who lived on the hill next to the Bobcats until Pat’s family moved to the T&I’s Stop 16.