by Nella Tyler
She played through her mind what had happened at the restaurant the night before. She had become so frightened and when the playful had become eerie, she had run for her life. Cole had not abandoned her, but held her until they both realized where her fear and begun. He had questioned her about Scott and her life with him. She realized how close she had come to exposing the truth about Carson.
She could not do that. It was against her instinct as a protective mother to allow anyone into her son’s life. Mrs. Crutcher was the only exception, but she was more like a grandmother than a neighbor or landlord.
Gilda had turned off the ringer on her phone. She saw the screen light up and heard a buzz: Cole’s face was looking at her from the screen. She wasn’t ready to talk to him; at least not yet.
She had come to close to telling him everything. The fact that she had crumbled and looked to him for solace told her that she was beginning to trust him. She hadn’t felt that way about anyone, perhaps ever. Certainly not Scott. The only person she truly trusted was Carson, and he was just a child.
She needed some time to frame how much she could share with Cole. She knew he was beginning his recruit training the next day and would not be around the precinct. From what she had heard from other recruits, training was brutal and they got little sleep.
In one way, the timing was perfect. Cole would not be up to inviting her out anytime soon. She needed this window of time to herself. She had been alone for some time now and had gotten used to it.
“Carson, it’s time for bed, darling,” she told him. This was met with the usual moaning and eye rolling that Carson was developing. “Go ahead now,” she told him. “I’ll be in soon to kiss you goodnight.”
After she tucked him in, she went through the house, locking the doors and turning out lights. She would call it an early night herself. It had been an emotional weekend. She pulled back her covers and slipped between the clean sheets. At least she had managed some laundry in between dates. A text popped up on the screen. It was Cole.
Why are you avoiding me? I can understand that you might be confused, but I can’t just leave you this way. I start training tomorrow. It may be some time before I can reach out to you. Could you at least text me back so that I know you are okay?
Gilda debated whether to answer. She knew she couldn’t get away with just a few words, that he would want to replay the entire weekend, and she had just now settled down to where she thought she might sleep. On the other hand, he had been very good to her and it wasn’t fair to leave him hanging like this.
She sighed and began tapping out her message.
I’m fine; tired, but fine. Please don’t worry about me. Thank you for all your kindness, but I’d like to go to sleep now.
Gilda, I’m going to reach out to you this week. I cannot do it personally, but you will hear from me. Please accept. Promise me you will.
Accept what?
Do you promise?
That depends.
I’m asking you to accept. Just do it for me?
She had no idea what he was referring to. She also knew she wasn’t going to get any sleep as long as she debated this with him.
Okay. Goodnight. She shut off the phone, turned over, and lay there for some time reliving the weekend before she fell asleep.
Chapter 14
Gilda returned to work the next morning, but couldn’t seem to get Cole out of her mind. She tried to focus on her work, but made several absent-minded errors. Dr. Keeler could tell things weren’t right with her. In between patients, he called her into his office.
“So, what’s going on with you?” he began.
“I’m not sure what you mean, Doctor?”
“Don’t give me that. I’ve known you too long. I can tell when there is something bothering you.”
“It was just a bad weekend. I had some nightmares, and they sort of hung in the back of my mind. It will pass, Doctor. Could you just write this one off?”
“You want me to give you something to help you sleep?” His tone was concerned as his eyes searched her face for a clue as to whether she was telling the truth.
Dr. Keeler had been in this profession for a very long time. While psychology was not his expertise, he had learned to read people fairly well, especially when they were under continual stress. Ever since Gilda had come to work for him, he had sensed that there was something in her past that was affecting how she went into the future. She kept her personal life very private. She never commented about what she did on the weekend, who she kept company with…no details whatsoever.
At first it had concerned him, but she always did her job well, was prompt, and didn’t seem to have any emotional variations in her character, so he let it go. He knew she was from the South and guessed that she may have decided to come to the big city to get away from something in her past. She certainly didn’t fit in New York City, but he let it go.
“No; thank you, though. I’ll be fine.” She turned away, sensing that he was studying her face for a reaction. She needed to make sure that she didn’t give herself away. It wouldn’t do to raise suspicions in her place of work. She needed this job. It was the key to her future: hers and Carson’s.
There was barely an hour to the workday left and the schedule was cleared when the door opened and an officer walked in. “Are you Gilda?”
“Yes, how can I help you?”
“I think I’m supposed to help you, instead of the other way around.”
“I don’t understand. What do you mean?” She was completely puzzled and looked to his badge to see his name. “Officer Jones, I don’t remember you on the appointment list. What is it that we can do for you?”
“Do you know Mr. Cole Stephens?” he asked, looking down at a note he held in his hand.
“Yes,” she responded. “Why?”
“This is for you.” He handed her a small, cream-colored envelope with her name on the outside. Puzzled, she turned it over and opened it. A key fell out onto her desk, and she saw there was a note included.
Dear Gilda,
This envelope is being delivered by Officer Jones. He happens to be a friend of mine, and you can trust him implicitly. Inside the envelope, I’m sure you found the key. That is the key to the elevator leading to my apartment. The doorman has been informed that you are to be allowed in, day or night, at any time. I want you to consider my apartment your home away from home. I will ask no questions, but I want you to have a place that safe. You know that you can trust me; this weekend proved it. Please don’t be a stranger. I’m here for you. Officer Jones is going to see you home. Remember, you promised not to argue.
Yours,
Cole
“Officer, you don’t need to see me home. I have my own way. I appreciate the offer, but I have errands to run on the way. Thank you for bringing this by.”
“I don’t think Mr. Stevens is going to be very happy with that response.”
“Thank you again, Officer Jones. I will be sure to tell him that you did just as he asked. I will not let him hold you responsible. I promise.”
Officer Jones shrugged and went out the door. She picked up the note and key and pulled open her desk drawer to put them in her purse. Dr. Keeler was standing there, watching her. He didn’t say a word, but turned and walked back toward his office. That made her feel guilty, but she didn’t know why.
She rode the city bus home that night; for some reason, she wanted to punish herself. She wondered what she had gotten herself into. Why was it that relationships were never simple? She had been perfectly fine before Cole came into her life and now she had complicated things. Not only her own life, but Carson’s. That tall, green-eyed ex-soldier walked into her life and everything from her past reemerged.
She knew it was natural that he would want to know who she was and where she came from. She wanted to know the same things about him. But that meant that she had to be the one to provide the details. She had to be the one who brought up the old memories. She had done it to he
rself.
She made Carson’s supper and retreated to the living room with her textbooks. It was better for her if she stuck to her studies, just as she had always planned. She needed to be able to take care of herself. Cole was not in the cards for her. He had the particular talent of drawing her in, over and over, and yet she knew there was no good at the end of that trail. She needed to protect Carson and herself.
With resolution, she got up from the sofa and retrieved her purse, digging out the key and the note. She wrapped them both in tissue and taped it securely before putting it in an envelope and addressing it to Cole. She pasted on ample postage and before she could change her mind, she told Carson she’d be back in a few seconds and she ran two doors down to drop it in the mailbox. Heading back inside, she felt the simultaneous sense of loss and relief.
That night, her sleep was undisturbed. She awakened the next morning and headed to work, feeling a sense of relief that she had finally come to a decision: a necessary one. Then, she walked into the unit and found a vase holding two dozen reds long stem roses.
She knew without looking who they were from. It appeared as though Cole was not going to give up easily. She carried the vase out into the waiting room and set it on the center table where the magazines lay. When she returned to her desk, she couldn’t keep herself from looking at them and their scent traveled far enough to envelop her. Cole was putting his imprint upon her, and she wondered why she was fighting so hard to not have it.
She knew why. She would always, her entire life, resist anyone who attempted to control her again.
She had a gut feeling that Cole didn’t intend it that way, but that’s how it felt — and distinctly so. She knew she was being hypersensitive. Old habits didn’t change overnight, though — especially when you clung to them for survival, which is what she’d done. Had she allowed herself to be more dependent on Scott, she’d never have gotten the opportunity to get away.
The next day came stacks of boxes: the outfits she had admired at the club. She told the delivery boy she hadn’t ordered them and to return them to the store, but he said there was no receipt and he couldn’t take them back without one. Gilda recognized Cole’s manipulations and it made her even a little more disenchanted with him. Was he not getting the feedback from these deliveries? she wondered.
The following day brought jeweler’s boxes, and the day after that, a selection of shoes and handbags. The next day was the most extreme: the keys to a new car.
“Tell him I don’t even have anywhere I can keep it, much less the income to keep up insurance. Just take it back. Take it all back!”
She was beside herself at this point. Cole must have gotten the key back in the mail because beginning Friday night, he continually dialed her phone until she blocked his number entirely.
Gilda had had all she could take. She needed clean air. She made huge decision and packed up Carson, took her two weeks’ vacation, and headed south to see her mother. Cole never had the chance to stop her.
Chapter 15
Just as she’d heard people say when they go home again, the town looked so different from what she had remembered. Smithfield was all she’d known for the majority of her life. It you couldn’t buy what you needed there, chances were you really didn’t need it.
She’d notified her girlfriend Mary that she was coming to town. She didn’t want Scott to find out. Mary had a guest room, as well as a sofa where Carson could sleep.
They came in by bus and then walked the two blocks to Mary’s house. Carson was sleepy from the trip and didn’t take in much detail in the darkness. Once they arrived at Mary’s house, he’d simply fallen onto the sofa and dropped quickly off to sleep. The girls gathered in the small kitchen at the table to drink hot tea and gossip.
They talked about mutual friends and who was divorced and who was fooling around. Mary filled her in on all the gossip and for a while, it felt as though Gilda had never left.
Mary wanted to know about New York City, and Gilda did her best to paint a flattering picture, although she didn’t stretch the truth too far. When asked if she was seeing anyone, Gilda delayed a moment too long in answering, and Mary jumped on it immediately.
“Who is he? And don’t tell me it’s nobody because I can see it all over your face!”
“Well, I’m not really ‘seeing’ him, as you call it. He asked me out on a couple of dates and they went badly, but he’s still trying to get into my good graces.”
“What does Carson think about him?”
Gilda shook her head. “Hasn’t met him.”
“No? Why not?”
“Cole doesn’t know about Carson. I don’t want any man close to him.”
“Well, Gilda, honey, you need to think that over a bit,” Mary urged, handing over the plate of freshly baked cookies and refilling their cups.
Gilda was lightly touching the leaves of an ivy plant on the table, absent-mindedly thinking about Cole and considering how much she should share. She and Mary had always been close and she knew her friend could be trusted. It would feel awfully good to talk to someone about it, particularly someone who knew the details of Gilda’s past.
“What are you going to do when Carson is old enough to start asking questions?”
“I know, I know. I’ve thought of that, too. It’s just that we’ve finally gotten settled in, and I’ve got a good job. He starts school in a few months, and I’d like him to have a shot at being normal, like the other boys. If I get mixed up with someone and Carson gets close to him, and then something goes wrong… Well, you and I both know what could happen.”
“You’re afraid he’s got some of Scott’s genes, aren’t you?”
Gilda shrugged, but the look was all over her face.
“That’s what I figured,” Mary nodded and dipped a cookie in her tea. Mary had Cherokee blood and her dark eyes held concern. She played with the locks of thick, black hair that streamed down her back.
“Honey, Carson’s got you. You’re not going to let any of that rotten Scott come out in him.”
“God doesn’t always take my advice, unfortunately,” Gilda pointed out. “He puts things in people that are good and bad. Sometimes you have to live with the bad, no matter how much you don’t want to.”
“That doesn’t mean he put any bad in Carson, sweetie. He could have made up for all the bad you had to go through by filling him with you.”
“You think so, Mary? Do you really think that could have happened?”
“I know it, sweetie. That little boy in there on the sofa is all you. And you know what else? He doesn’t ever see his daddy, which is the best thing that could be. He sees you and the role model you are, and that is what will make him lean toward being like you. No, Gilda, you got nothing to worry about when it comes to Carson. He’s not like Scott.”
“Lord, I hope not. I need to get some sleep, Mary. I’m bushed.”
“Sure, darling, you go on in and get cuddly. I’ll shut out the lights and make sure Carson is covered up well. Leave your door open in case he wakes in the night and gets a little scared. I put a night light in the hall outside your door, so he’ll find you.”
“Night, Mary,” Gilda nodded and hugged her. “It feels good to be home.”
“I know it must, but don’t get too settled in. You need to go back to the city and let Carson grow up away from his daddy. Scott is still around town, you know. He’s going to hear you’re here.”
“No,” Gilda protested, shaking her head vociferously and making it clear she wasn’t having any part of it. “He’s not going to get to me or my son. I’m going to go and see Mama tomorrow, and then I’m out of here. This is just a short trip to let Carson know his roots and his granny. I’m not sticking around.”
“Glad to hear you say that. Who knows? Maybe one day, I’ll pack up a suitcase and come visit you in the city!”
“I’d love that. There’s so much to do and things to show you,” Gilda said excitedly. “Let’s do that, shall we?”
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br /> “Sure thing; we’ll keep in touch and plan on it. Now, go on to bed.”
Gilda eased between the covers on Mary’s guestroom bed and thought about how lucky she was to have her as a friend.
Chapter 16
“Hello, Mama,” Gilda said softly to the woman who stood opposite her in the doorway.
“Gilda?” Beverly came forward into the doorway, holding out one hand. “Is that really you, honey? Whatever are you doing here?”
“We came to see you, Mama,” Gilda told her. “You won’t remember him, but this here is Carson, your grandbaby.”
“It is?” She came closer and looked at the boy, noting his features and coloring. “Why you look just like your mama did when she was a little girl.”
“Does he? Come on, Mama? Does he really?” Gilda’s eyes glowed with pride and the idea that maybe there was little of Scott to be seen in her son.
“Well, he sure does. Course, I never got have many pictures made of you then, and I’m sorry for that, but you know how things were.”
“Yeah, Mama, I know how things were.”
“Well, come on in and sit down. How long are you staying?”
“Just for a few hours, Mama. Carson and I have to catch the next bus out of town.”
“Why haven’t I heard from you, Gilda? Why don’t you ever write?”
“Mama, you know why I can’t write to you. I don’t want to talk about it here in front of Carson, but you know.”
“Yeah, I guess I do. Seems a shame to me that I have to be the one to pay for that, but it is what it is.”
“Nothing I can do about it, Mama. I’m taking care of my baby, and that’s what I have to do.”
“I suppose.”
There were the unspoken years of Beverly not having been the ideal parent lying between them. Gilda wasn’t sure if Beverly had ever acknowledged that, but there was a tension surrounding the subject that never dissipated. Gilda knew that was another reason she could never bring Carson back.