Portia stood near the edge of the bed. She’d been so quiet. I could see the trepidation on her face. I held out my hand and she took it. No words were exchanged, as they didn’t need to be. I didn’t hold her responsible. How could I? She was a victim in this too. I could only imagine what she must have been through, all the while blaming herself for what had happened. She stood beside the bed, holding my hand, before Tore touched her on the shoulder and she nodded. Before leaving, she kissed my forehead and whispered, “I missed you.”
My eyes welled with tears and my chin started to quiver, but I managed to whisper back, “I missed you too.”
She gave my hand another kiss before leaving Tore and me alone. He sat on the edge of the bed and took my hand, but didn’t say anything. When his eyes finally met mine, there was heaviness in them. I’d never, in all my life, seen my laid-back, goofy, carefree, brother look so troubled and... to be honest, it scared me. In those silent moments, I found the truth that he’d been hiding.
“You knew, didn’t you? You and Devon knew I was headed towards... the Silence.”
He nodded, but it was a long time before he spoke. “I need to tell you something. Something I should’ve said a long time ago. Maybe if I had, I could have spared us both a lot of heartache and none of this ever would have happened.”
“All right,” I said, hesitantly.
He took a deep breath before he began. “I know you’ve always blamed yourself for what happened to me, but that needs to stop.”
“Tore...”
“No. Now, listen to me. You’ve always believed because I died, everything was taken away from me. That you took everything away from me, but did you ever stop to think that you gave me everything instead?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Olivia, you gave me the gift of time, without even knowing it. I can do whatever I want now and have all eternity to do it.”
“But...”
“No, now seriously. Aside from biologically procreating and being allowed to fuck up the next generation with a Tore, Jr., can you honestly tell me one thing I can’t do now, that I could’ve done when I was alive?”
I opened my mouth to spew my rebuttal, but nothing came out. I searched my brain but... damned if he wasn’t right. I’d never looked at it from that angle before. Probably because I’d been too busy carrying the Mount Everest of guilt on my shoulders to lift my head and see anything other than its shadow.
Well, color the pessimist beaten. The optimist wins again.
Jackass.
“Maybe you’re right, but you’ll never see Mom and Dad again.”
He looked down and nodded a little. “Yeah, I know. I can’t say that doesn’t suck, but at least...” his voice caught in his throat and he tried to shake it off, before continuing through the tears, “at least I won’t be here alone. I’ll always have you and that counts for more than you know.”
I tried to look away, wiping the tears with my free hand, but it was pointless. We were both blubbering and boo hoo’ing like babies. I couldn’t find any words worthy of the moment so, instead of trying, I sat up and gave him a hug. Even though he and Devon knew all along that I had been teetering on the edge, and I should have felt something about it, it really didn’t matter anymore. Somehow, in the still that separated us, everything we’d been through together had been set right.
That chapter of our lives was finally closed.
“Get some sleep, okay?” He got off the bed and crossed the room. “We can talk some more, later.”
I nodded, but as he began to pull the door shut, I panicked. “Can you leave the door open, please? “ He nodded, pushing it open wide before disappearing down the hall.
I laid there and my friends’ chatter drifted from the living room, up the stairs. As I listened to the laughter, I wondered how long it would be until one of them asked me what it had been like... where I had gone. I didn’t know how I was going to tell them. How was I going to find a way to explain that we’d all been lied to? Each of us had lost so many charges to the Silence, and we’d always believed it to be just a limbo, within a limbo, but that was a carefully crafted ruse. How would they shoulder the burden of the truth? How would they take it, when they learned I’d just returned from Hell?
Chapter 31
The park was fairly crowded and I sat on a bench, waiting for Drake to arrive. There were people zooming by on bikes and roller blades, while others played with dogs and children in the grass. Life continued to move on while I was gone. In a weird way, it kind of hurt. I think we’d all love to believe the universe would fall apart if we ceased to be, but as I was reminded, that simply wasn’t the case. It never would be and, to be truthful if not a little selfish, that sucked.
Zane set up the meeting with Drake for me. I’d been back a week and desperate to see him, but Devon and Tore, my guardians now and forevermore, didn’t feel comfortable with me going to Drake’s house alone. Since Devon was still pissed about what happened the night I returned, he wasn’t interested in playing host in his own home with Drake. A compromise had to be met because, as much as I loved my best friend and my brother, I wasn’t going to allow the knuckleheads to continue to keep me away from him. I knew they were worried because he’d tapped into his Anguish side to protect Katarina, but I believed it was from a place of ignorance. Even if it hadn’t been, evil or not, I didn’t believe he’d hurt me. Yes, I found it unsettling, but Zane was just as capable of going to the Dark Side as Drake, and I knew, if Zane could control it, then so could Drake.
Regardless, I had my suspicions that the knuckleheads would be keeping an eye on me. So, I wasn’t the least surprised when I spotted them at a table outside a café, across the street from the park. They were wearing ball caps, sunglasses, and reading newspapers. An attempt at being “incognito” I suppose, but their spy skills seriously sucked and were nothing short of comical. I’d fully expected this nonsense from Devon and Tore, but from the looks of things, I’d gone from an episode of My Two Dads, to an episode of Full House. Zane was now participating in their shenanigans.
God help me.
I figured it gave them all comfort to be nearby, in case something went sideways and, though I would have preferred to have my reunion with Drake be a private one, I played along, pretending I hadn’t seen them. After all, they were only trying to protect me and, even though it annoyed the hell out of me, it also gave me warm fuzzies that they cared so much.
I leaned my head back and watched the clouds drift lazily in the October sky. Two leaves blew overhead. They’d already started to change from the vibrant green of summer to the reds and golds of autumn. I pulled the zipper up on my jacket to ward off the bite that hung in the air. I had missed summer while I was gone. It was a strange notion, but one I tried to push to the back of my mind for the time being. I wasn’t ready to analyze and dissect my experience or what I had missed yet. For now, all I wanted was to see the man I loved and bask in his glow.
I had the strangest feeling I was being watched by someone, other than the three amigos. When my gaze dropped from the sky, it fell on Drake. I hadn’t heard him approach and a smile danced on my lips. He was still as stealthy as ever and very much a sight for sore eyes. I vaulted off the bench, but hesitated to move towards him. Something held me back, although I couldn’t say what. I ignored the feeling and pushed forward anyways, running to him. When I reached him, that smile of his became luminous. The first thing he did was take my face in his hands and kiss me passionately. It should have blown my socks off, but instead, it felt like I’d been shot in the head. I pulled away, doubling over in pain, as I grabbed my temples.
“Olivia, bloody hell. Are you all right?” He reached for me and I recoiled.
“Don’t touch me!” I shrieked and he pulled back. “I’m sorry. Oww, holy crap. It’s just that I got the worst headache all of a sudden.”
“Here, why don’t you sit back down?” We walked back and had a seat on the bench. He reached out to touch
me again, but his hand hovered hesitantly.
I nodded permission. “No ensorcelling though, okay?”
“Of course.”
His hand made long passes along my back as he tried to soothe me. Luckily, he didn’t question why I’d given the stipulation. It’s not that I wouldn’t have loved him to ensorcell the headache away, but I had more to hide now and couldn’t take the chance he might catch a glimpse.
The back rub was nice, but my head continued to throb. To boot, there were random images running about. All were rather fuzzy, but there seemed to be sadness and despair attached to each one. I couldn’t decipher what they were or what they meant. That is, until I looked up into Drake’s eyes, my beautiful sea of tranquility, and then it all clicked. They weren’t just random images, but a fragmented memory, knitting itself back together. When the final scene fell into place, my heart stopped with a hard punch. I pulled away, but my eyes were locked onto his gorgeous face in horror. Intermingled with his serene look, were now the memories of it turning cold and cruel.
I couldn’t mask my emotions and his look turned to concern. “What’s wrong?”
I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat. “You chose nothing.”
“What?”
I turned away before I could speak again; my sea had become stormy and unfamiliar, “You wished you’d never met me and chose nothing.”
“What are you talking...” His eyes went wide. “That was a nightmare. How do you know about that?”
I had no explanation for how I knew. Maybe it hadn’t been a nightmare after all. Although, it certainly had become one.
“It’s true, isn’t it?”
“It was only a dream. I...” He reached out to take my hand, but I withdrew.
Instead of reaching again, he laid his hand on his leg and kept it there. The space between us was inches, but it may as well have been the Grand Canyon. Within that space, lay all the things that needed to be said. This hadn’t just been his nightmare. I’d somehow experienced it with him and now more memories were flooding in. I’d seen him on other occasions. I interacted with “Devon” and “Tore” while I was there, but the interactions with Drake always felt different. I’d called out to him, but he could never hear me. He’d reach for me, but I could never seem to close the gap between us. I knew I should have hated him for what I believed he did with Portia but, given where I had been trapped, it seemed inconsequential. It made no sense, but now I wondered if we’d somehow been meeting in the middle. If that was the case, it made the whole thing that much worse. He was the one I could reach out and hold onto yet, in the end, he pushed me away. I don’t think anything else could have destroyed me more.
“I can’t do this.” My voice came across distant, causing me to wonder if I’d actually spoken the words aloud.
“Can’t do what?” His voice was barely above a whisper.
His reply confirmed that I spoke, giving way for more words to come. “I can’t do us anymore.”
“Don’t do this. Olivia, please.”
What was I doing? This wasn’t the joyous reunion I wanted. This was awful and, somewhere in the middle of it all, I remembered things I shouldn’t have any knowledge of. But it wasn’t going to change the outcome of what was happening.
“How can I not? I felt it—the moment you expelled me from your thoughts and banished me from your heart. I can still see the look on your face. It’s crystal clear and I don’t think I can move past it.”
He shook his head, as if trying to erase the memory of it, and I wished it were only that simple. “Losing you and knowing you had gone somewhere, which would remain forever out of my reach, was more than I could bear.” He took my face in his hands again. “I didn’t know you could hear what I said. You have to believe me.”
“I do, but it doesn’t change anything. Your words were harsh and there was truth at the heart of them.” My voice caught in my throat. “And when I look at you, all I can feel is your desperation to let me go. The overwhelming need for a void to take over my place in your heart and that is going to remain with me always.”
He released me and shifted so his elbows rested on his knees. His eyes watched the ground. It reminded me of the fateful day when I found him outside my building, after the party. It felt like a lifetime ago and perhaps that wasn’t too far from the truth. I could see that he was remorseful, but it didn’t mend my broken heart.
When he spoke again, his voice was strained. “I can’t lose you again.”
I fought back tears. “I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you now.”
Tears filled his eyes, but he said nothing more. I took a deep breath and stood. My steps were heavy and slow, as I tried to walk away. These were the last moments I was ever going to have with him and, as bad as it hurt, I wanted to prolong them as much as possible. Yet, I was still in motion, taking one small step after another. Before I moved out of reach, he grabbed my hand. I didn’t fight it when he held me in place. Those tiny electrical tingles I’d always felt with his touch were making me ache to stay near him. I didn’t want this to be the end, but those memories were going to eat away at me and destroy whatever was left of us.
“There’s something you need to know, before you go. The painting... your painting, Mourning Inamorata, the name doesn’t just mean grieving lover. Inamorata also means, woman with whom one is in love.” He paused, his voice shaky. Then, just when I thought this couldn’t get any more agonizing, he said the one thing that shattered my soul, “Olivia, I love you.”
I closed my eyes, tears sliding down my cheeks. I held his hand, but didn’t look back. It was the first time he’d ever said those words to me and I wanted desperately to return the sentiment. I’d waited so long to say those three little words, for that perfect moment, but this wasn’t it. I’d be damned if the first time I told him, would also be the last. So, without looking back, I squeezed his hand and said the only words I could summon.
“Goodbye Drake.”
Epilogue
- A few months later
Adjusting to life again hasn’t been easy. After some careful deliberation, I decided not to return to my job. Oddly enough, upper management seemed all right with that decision and even rewarded me with an eternal severance package. But, I’m not naive enough to believe for one second they did any of it from the kindness in their hearts. I think they’re afraid. They’re terrified that I’m going to shout from the rooftops the one thing they don’t want anyone to know. I’m willing to allow them to believe they’ve bought my silence, but I’m only staying mum until I can separate the truth from the lies of what I’ve been told. I need to reconcile the two in my own mind, before I decide what to do with the information.
While I was away, or on “furlough” as Zane so inappropriately calls it, Tore moved out of our apartment. He said it was too hard to remain there, after I was gone, and I don’t blame him one bit. I was in that position once. Luckily, he was smarter than I had been. He couldn’t bring himself to get rid of my things though and Devon offered to store it all until the time came. Thankfully, it didn’t, and my stuff was waiting when I came back. The only difference was that the belongings were set up nicely in a spare room in Devon’s brownstone.
Trying not to overstay my welcome, I put in an application with the D.E.A.D. office to get a new pad and, in the process, found I’d inadvertently offended my best friend. He seemed hurt our living arrangement wasn’t going to be permanent, claiming he liked having the company, but I think he really just liked keeping an eye on me.
The departure dreams have stopped, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still tormented in my sleep. The dreams have been replaced by hellacious nightmares about my time away, and the tortures I suffered at the hand of my demon jailors. I’m transported right back there. I can taste it, smell it, and feel it permeating my skin. I imagine I’m suffering from PTSD, but I have no one to confide in, as I’ve yet to bring myself to tell anyone where I was for those four months. I wouldn’t even know where
to begin describing it. Honestly, those nightmares pale in comparison to my real pain, which I caused for myself.
This pain visits me every morning as I wake; missing Drake so bad, I can hardly breathe. We haven’t been together in months, yet I can’t seem to get over him. The first few weeks hurt like hell, especially with those memories swirling around in my mind, but as time marched on, I tried to view things more rationally than emotionally. Detaching myself from the situation, a few things become crystal clear. Drake believed I was gone forever, and in all fairness, I shouldn’t have expected him to mourn for just as long. I understand he needed to move past it at some point, but I just wished I didn’t know how he’d chosen to do it. I guess it may have been a parting prize from the bastards downstairs. It was one I’d carry around every day. Knowing the man I loved, more than anything, had decided to forget me.
Above everything else, I regret not saying I love you in return. I know I’d had my reasons and don’t disagree they were sound, but it doesn’t change that he deserved to hear it. He gave me that gift, and I didn’t reciprocate. I’ve picked up the phone so many times, wanting to hear his voice again and make all this pain stop, but I never dial his number. Even if I did call, it’d probably just go to voicemail anyway.
I’ve made my choice, and have to live with it. I left him and, as much as it breaks my heart to consider, he has a chance for real happiness with another woman, now that Katarina’s gone. I don’t want to take that away from him. Even though our time together was brief, he helped carry my baggage long enough.
I wonder now if we were always meant to travel separate paths. The universe had thrown us together so many times, only to rip us apart again. When we were together, maybe we were forcing something that was never meant to be. Perhaps this was where our story was always meant to end. I was the catalyst to remove that toxic woman from his life, allowing him to finally be free. Maybe my part in his life was never meant to be anything more than a walk-on. In any case, these are the things I think about when I cry at night, clinging to his flannel shirt.
Prayer for the Dead (Revenants in Purgatory) Page 23