To Lauren Larson, my first editor at GQ, who gave me way more mentorship and laughter than I could ever have dreamed of. Thank you also to Rosa Pasquarella for giving me my first real TV job. I’m here because of you two! Thank you!
If my dog Party could read, I would thank her for being a little rat who never lets me ignore her for more than eight minutes at a time. She’s always coming up with such good excuses not to write.
To my friends who had to listen to me talk about this book in incredibly boring, vague ways for years; I wrote out a specific list of people to thank and then it turned into just a general list of people I’m friends with that kept getting bigger and bigger and it turns out I was just bragging about having lots of friends. Thank you especially to Kelsey for all the laughter and motivation and makeup help; getting ready with you is a highlight of my life. Adrienne, thank you for the pep talks and the pretzels and the encouragement. Thank you to Kev for letting me commandeer your friendship with Dave. Thank you to Margaux, Tyler, Sarah Beth, Alex, Devan, Tam, and Mia for being in this book and for being wonderful, dear friends. I will Venmo you each twelve dollars.
Also, as corny as it is, a massive thank-you to everyone I’ve ever followed on Twitter who is smarter and kinder and better than I am; I hope I’ve learned to be even an ounce more like you. I swear I will never log off.
To all the teachers I’ve ever had who put up with me in their classes: sorry I talked so much, but also you’re welcome for my being such an engaged learner! Thank you especially to Penny Longnecker, Amy Barker, Nancy Menchhofer, Kelly Schneider, Sean McCarthy, Larry Anderson, Sarah Banet-Weiser, Jennifer Dieken-Buchek, June Bourque, Scott Warren, Anna Kalfus, Karen Ambhul, Florence Hughes, and many, many more. You were the best part of school for me; I would do any grade over in a heartbeat to learn from you again.
To my massive extended family, who have agreed to never bring up anything they read in this book ever. Even if they have something nice to say. We’re all going to pretend this book didn’t occur! The next time we see each other we can talk about how I’m trying to grow an orange tree on my back patio, or about Jimmy Butler, or what the best casserole is, but not this book. I love you all.
To my aunt Karen, who taught me how to read when I was three; you started all of this mess. You’re who I’ve always wanted to be when I grow up. I’m so sorry I took only two years of French in high school.
To Jim and Katy, thank you for choosing to marry my parents. Being a good stepparent is often a thankless job; I know you both work incredibly hard at it. Thank you.
To Olivia, Angelo, and Giovana: God, I love you all so much. I will do pretty much anything you ask—even if it’s not within reason. (Feel free to abuse that.) Thank you for all the joy. To Josh and Andrew and Ben, thank you for weaving into our family so well and so easily; sorry about all the crying we do! To Michael, God bless you for being such a good son-in-law; it really takes the pressure off Dave. To Emily and Lucy and Nicholas, thank you for being the brightest, most delightful people, for feeling like family should.
To Emilee, thank you for twenty-six years of the best friendship. Thank you for freaking out about climate change with me on Mondays and Wednesdays. Thank you for making it work across an ocean. Thank you for pouring seven drops of Dawn dish soap in the park pond to try to do “something bad” for once when we were sixteen. Thank you for knowing every line of The Grinch and French Kiss and for making me laugh so hard that I’ve peed multiple times. Ain’t nothin’ but a raw cheetah.
To Lena, for going through it all with me, for getting it, for making me laugh; you’re the caviar garnish to my life. Thank you for teaching me everything from how to snap my fingers to how to curl my hair. Thank you for mostly being cool about me wanting to share a room with you. Thank you for letting me steal your Cosmo magazines and your Sims games and your clothes. Thank you for laughing with me at funerals. Thank God you were already there when I was born.
Thank you to my mom, who believes in me a truly disgusting amount and who says “Okay, Soph” when she doesn’t. Mom, you taught me everything I know about how to treat people well. Thank you for letting us eat raw cookie dough and for saving our voice mails. Thank you for teaching me gratitude and compassion. Thank you for being my best audience. Sorry for at least half of my behavior. Thank you for your Saturday phone calls and love of birthday cards. I love you more.
Thank you to Papa, who really hoped I would be a hockey-playing astronaut and instead got a writer-comedian who lives in fucking California. (I promise I’m trying to carry myself back unspoiled.) Thank you for making me calculate the speed of light by hand and for drawing us diagrams after we fell off our bikes about where in the turn we should have accelerated. Thank you for passing down your devotion to family, your crewneck sweatshirts, and your love of language to me. Someday I hope to use the words xis, itinerant chicken sexer, or Plato is a big fuckhead in an email to my own children.
Thank you to Dave, who has, from the very beginning, let me mine our lives and make everything public on all kinds of platforms, who insisted he didn’t care what I wrote about him in the book. (A mistake on his part, obviously.) God, you love me so well. Thank you for agreeing that my one and only flaw is that I sometimes get mascara under my eyes.
And to Jane Fonda. I don’t know her or anything; she’s just the best.
About the Author
© KELSEY JUNE JENSEN
SOPHIA BENOIT is a writer and comedian who grew up in Missouri and was correctly voted “Most Likely to Never Come Back.” She writes sex and relationship advice for GQ and has had bylines in Allure, Refinery29, the Cut, the Guardian, Reductress, and more. She writes an advice newsletter, Here’s the Thing, in which she urges everyone to ask their crush out. She does not have an MFA in creative writing, but every couple of months she looks up graduate programs and becomes convinced earning an advanced degree will change her entire life. Sophia lives in Los Angeles with her boyfriend, Dave—but usually only spouses make it into author bios, so forget about him.
@1followernodad
@sgbenoit
FOR MORE ON THIS AUTHOR:
SimonandSchuster.com/Authors/Sophia-Benoit
SimonandSchuster.com
@GalleryBooks
We hope you enjoyed reading this Simon & Schuster ebook.
Get a FREE ebook when you join our mailing list. Plus, get updates on new releases, deals, recommended reads, and more from Simon & Schuster. Click below to sign up and see terms and conditions.
CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP
Already a subscriber? Provide your email again so we can register this ebook and send you more of what you like to read. You will continue to receive exclusive offers in your inbox.
Notes
general care for others overwhelmingly falls on women: Gus Wezerek and Kristen R. Ghodsee, “Women’s Unpaid Labor Is Worth $10,900,000,000,000,” New York Times, Opinion, March 5, 2020, https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/03/04/opinion/women-unpaid-labor.html.
The gap in chores and household tasks starts: Claire Cain Miller, “A ‘Generationally Perpetuated’ Pattern: Daughters Do More Chores,” New York Times, August 8, 2018, https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/08/upshot/chores-girls-research-social-science.html.
mothers tend to do more work while men: Wendy Wang, “The Happiness Penalty for Breadwinning Moms,” Institute for Family Studies, June 4, 2019, https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-happiness-penalty-for-breadwinning-moms.
A hallmark of female conversation: Amanda Montell, Wordslut: A Feminist Guide to Taking Back the English Language (New York: Harper Wave, 2020).
There is a nationwide shortage of gynecologists: Hannah Smothers, “We’re on the Verge of a Devastating OB-GYN Shortage,” Vice, September 18, 2019, https://www.vice.com/en/article/j5yjq7/obgyn-doctor-shortage.
Speculums haven’t been updated much since 1847: Brynn Holland, “The ‘Father of Modern Gynecology’ Performed Shocking Experiments on Slaves,” History, August 29, 2017, updated Decembe
r 4, 2018, https://www.history.com/news/the-father-of-modern-gynecology-performed-shocking-experiments-on-slaves.
even with less money and less time than men: “Gender Pay Gap Report for 2020,” The State of the Gender Pay Gap 2020, PayScale, https://www.payscale.com/data/gender-pay-gap; Bruce Drake, “Another Gender Gap: Men Spend More Time in Leisure Activities,” Fact Tank: News in the Numbers, Pew Research Center, June 10, 2013, https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2013/06/10/another-gender-gap-men-spend-more-time-in-leisure-activities/.
girls on average spend more time doing housework: Gretchen Livingston, “The way U.S. teens spend their time is changing, but differences between boys and girls persist,” Fact Tank: News in the Numbers, Pew Research Center, February 20, 2019, https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/02/20/the-way-u-s-teens-spend-their-time-is-changing-but-differences-between-boys-and-girls-persist/.
in straight partnerships where women earn more: Olga Khazan, “Emasculated Men Refuse to Do Chores—Except Cooking,” Atlantic, October 24, 2016, https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2016/10/the-only-chore-men-will-do-is-cook/505067/.
stay-at-home dads do less childcare on average: Greg Jericho, “Stay-at-home fathers do less childcare than working mothers, research shows,” Guardian, May 15, 2017, https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/may/16/stay-at-home-fathers-childcare-working-mothers-research-finds.
Footnotes
Introduction
I. Loser.
II. Maybe more, maybe less—I don’t know—I was a child. Children have a birthday and then like thirteen days later they’re like, “Okay… when is my birthday coming again?” Time is immeasurable for children. They’re not bright.
III. Many, many people can stop me.
IV. The show ended up being one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Male strippers are… [chef’s kiss]. The corniness? The camp? The costumes? Unmatched.
V. At least, she has it all in terms of what our capitalistic society says women should want. I’m not saying that I want her life, just that she’s successful on almost every front.
VI. But not too hard, you know. A challenge. But an easy one.
VII. I’m sure Anne Hathaway is tired too.
VIII. If you didn’t get the reference in the last sentence—or don’t get any of the ones in the coming pages—don’t worry. Almost none of them are essential to understanding me; they’re more like little inside jokes with myself. (You can always google them, too.)
Bless You, Brendan Fraser
I. This is not the case, by the way! Media and ninth graders are wrong!
II. Please mentally insert that gif of Natasha Rothwell saying “Growth” here.
III. You’re welcome for taking the reins on every single PowerPoint from 2004–2007, Nipher Middle School boys.
IV. Frankly, I still kind of believe this.
Too Many Servings of Ketchup
I. While we’re listing things that can fuck off, the idea of dressing to “slim” yourself is right up there with Dr. S’s antics.
II. French-fry types ranked from best to worst: McDonald’s fries, seasoned fries, curly fries, sweet-potato fries, shoestring fries, regular fries, waffle fries, steak fries, crinkle-cut, potato wedges (which are bad potatoes masquerading as fries).
III. Disputed claim.
IV. SPOILER: It is probably not!!!! You probably have a lot of unexamined fatphobia coursing through your veins. Most of us do!
V. Horny.
VI. White cis men, in case you’re lost.
VII. Let me be extremely clear: I do not think that you can get salmonella from cookie dough. Yes, the FDA says you can, and so does science. But science is a little bitch sometimes. So the stomachaches in this situation are from consuming too much sugar and not from being betrayed by my true love: raw dough.
VIII. This is not to be confused with the Italian neighborhood in St. Louis called “The Hill,” where my family goes to get staples like panettone and salted cod from rival Italian grocers, John Viviano & Sons and DiGregorio’s.
Exactly the Woman I Thought I’d Be When I Grew Up
I. Also, obviously, it is very racist (see: the entire character of Mr. Yunioshi), which is incredibly disturbing to watch.
II. I was, of course, wrong as per usual.
III. Also, as any Lizzie-Head will tell you, the hottie she gets with in Rome is actually a liar and a fraud and it’s her best friend from regular-ass America whom she’s really in love with.
How to Use Your Parents’ Divorce to Get Kicked Out of Gym Class
I. One time Lena and I mentioned being embarrassed by this, and my father, who grew up so poor that he didn’t have a bedroom and slept on the porch in good enough weather, was rightfully apoplectic.
II. My mom buying things for me with her money!!
III. Of course, this is also the case for the rest of the school system as well, because it’s not like being smart or good at school is inherently good or makes you a more worthwhile human. Anyway, our institutions fail people at every turn!
IV. Seriously, why the fuck on earth do kids need to learn to do pull-ups?? Why?
“I’m Difficult.” —Sally Albright (but Really Nora Ephron)
I. I’ve always thought it was weird to give actors or characters credit for movie quotes, when a writer wrote them.
II. Remember the girls’ sleepover when she used to suck at smoking? NOT ANYMORE!!! Now, that’s a character arc!
III. This list is, unfortunately, dominated by white women. That’s true for a lot of reasons. One, they make way more rom-coms with white leads than they do for any other race. Two, I grew up watching a lot of movies starring white people. Now, I didn’t necessarily have control of that as a young child, when I first watched some of these movies, but I definitely could have done better as I got older to watch movies that don’t just star white people. I make more effort now to watch movies that aren’t just about the same thin, able-bodied, cis, straight, rich white women, and I sincerely hope that more and more movies get made that do not center on them. Especially rom-coms, since that’s what I really want to watch, let’s be honest.
IV. Another one, since you asked, is in Shrek—STICK WITH ME!—when Shrek has just rescued Princess Fiona and they’re outside the castle, away from the dragon, and she insists that he take off his helmet so that she can see the face of her rescuer, and he’s like, “Uhhh, I’m just here to bring you to this other guy. Trust me, you don’t want me,” because he’s insecure and self-hating (due to people being cruel to him). Anyway, she is persistent enough, so he takes his helmet off to reveal himself and for this tiny, tiny, tiny moment he has a little sheepish smile like there’s a kernel of hope that just maybe this smokin’-hot princess is going to want to marry and sleep with him. And then she doesn’t and he’s like, “Oh yeah, why’d I think anyone would choose me?” It’s HEART-WRENCHING.
V. No, it’s not. Sorry.
VI. Okay, I was eighteen. Which is not really an adult, but kind of.
VII. I’d like to open myself up to anyone who looks like Simon Baker, if you know what I mean.
VIII. Someone is staring at you in Personal Growth; Baby fish mouth; Harry’s entire exchange about Helen going to a Big 10 school. There are twenty million moments in this film that are crafted as intricately and soundly as a wedding cake. It’s like a cathedral of a movie.
The Tyranny of Great Expectations
I. Until I got to college and realized I wasn’t planning on going to grad school (because I was going to become an actress) and that college was hard as balls and no one gets all As unless they’re willing to not get laid.
II. I often got asked, “How will this help your career?”
III. For example, I had one friend who was on lockdown (not leaving her house except for groceries) from the same exact date that my boyfriend and I were, so we all decided to basically make a pod together from the get-go because she lived alone. She came over once a week.
What I Wouldn’t G
ive to Be a Teen in a Coke Ad
I. It feels gross to say that about a teenager but he’s supposed to be hot for a teenager in the commercial. I don’t know!!!
II. Gross gross, sorry to use that phrase.
III. I never know how to word how I helped with my siblings’ care. There’s likely no way to describe my role in a way that is fair to all parties involved. My stepmother and father will likely downplay what my older sister Lena and I did. I will probably (accidentally) exaggerate it. This is what it felt like to me—because I am the protagonist of this book and my father and stepmother are more than welcome to write their own books about my childhood years, should they choose.
IV. This was our fifth session and she had just come to the conclusion that I maybe grew up too fast? Yeah, I know. Let’s keep it moving, Lisa. (All therapists are named Lisa.)
V. Unless, of course, you’re extremely wealthy. Or extremely hot. Or an average white guy.
VI. Embarrassing.
How to Hate Yourself Enough That Men Will Like You (but Not So Much That They’ll Be Turned Off)
I. Except for one year when my mom remarried and then divorced a guy. But we won’t count that. Now she’s married to someone wonderful, my stepdad, Jim, and we absolutely will count that.
II. We still do!
III. A hallmark of female conversation.
IV. The phrase class clown gives me hives. Why isn’t there a better way to describe this?
V. Not a pun, but kind of.
VI. A word that people love to throw at young women.
VII. My looks and personality.
Well, This Is Exhausting Page 28