Not to Be Cliché, but I’m Going to Talk About My Vagina (and Tits)
I. There is a nationwide shortage of gynecologists, by the way. As if life weren’t bad enough already.
II. The word ritzy is so funny to me. Ritzy!!!
III. I’ve never actually been to a Reiki healer, so maybe it’s nothing like that.
IV. Fun fact: we don’t know how anesthesia works!
V. I have a lot of bad things to say about the experience of having a surgical drain, and I only had to have one—many people need more, and many people need drains for life—but one thing is that they are potentially a great way to sneak alcohol into a stadium if you get a brand-new one. Also, one time someone saw me with my surgical drain and gave me a free latte. So win some, lose most.
VI. Obviously, I did not stop eating sugar; I’m not a freak.
There Were Two Different Songs Called “Miss Independent” in the 2000s. Why Is No One Talking About This?
I. Please feel free to play “I Am a Rock” by Simon & Garfunkel, which beautifully distills the themes of this paragraph into lyrical poetry: “And a rock feels no pain / And an island never cries.” Chef’s kiss on the emotional vacancy, Paul!
II. I still believed at that age that one day I would get health insurance from an employer, ahahahahah.
III. The very idea of roses or daily “good morning” texts makes me want to diiiiiie.
IV. That’s right, ladies, you have to choose!
V. Please note that if a man wants children, it’s never desperate or pathetic of him, it’s only ever about passing on a legacy or being a great father someday. It’s cool if a guy does it and sad if a woman does it. Remember!
VI. Frankly, it’s a little hard to say that men are “killing it” with a straight face when men make up like 95 percent of magicians.
VII. In fact, in straight partnerships where women earn more than their partners, men do even less housework than their breadwinning counterparts.
VIII. The one song I can think of that feels anything like the happiness of a steady relationship is “Our House” by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. And the couple from the song (Graham Nash and Joni Mitchell) only were together for two years, which is still the fun, easy part of a relationship. Let’s be clear.
IX. As if when I was single I was wanted by loads of people. Ha!
X. Sorry.
How Exactly to Be Likable
I. Still unsure if this is how Reiki works.
Sorry, Dove, but I Am Never Going to Love My Body
I. Creepy men always call me Sophie. Perhaps it seems more diminutive? Or they literally just don’t care at all to notice that I don’t go by Sophie? I don’t know. I don’t care at all about people calling me Sophie, but it’s usually a red flag in Twitter DMs.
II. Of course, you are also only your body, too. You are fat and nothing else!!!! Got it?? As soon as you lose all that weight, let us know so we can all finally comfortably resume life.
III. Selfie was the Oxford English Dictionary word of the year in 2013, which means that they started becoming popular at least eighteen months before then because we all know the Oxford English Dictionary is far behind the real world. Hence, if I took my first selfie that year, I was similarly delayed.
How to Be the Life of the Party in 28 Easy Steps
I. I always include the question mark in my Google queries, something that I think started ironically, but now has become integral to me.
II. Shania Twain did say she’d liked Trump’s no-bullshit attitude and would have voted for him, but then she walked that back, so only play this song if you already own it and you won’t be giving her any streaming money.
III. I actually can’t afford Zara; I’m just trying to sound relatable. I shop at Target and occasionally H&M.
IV. And by “ball” I mean semi-intimate gathering that the coolest person from your work is hosting, which feels like your one shot to become friends with her.
V. I personally have a very strong If You Can’t Look Good, Smell Good policy that has served me impeccably well.
VI. If there are actual babies at this party, you are probably not going to be the life of the party because new parents don’t give a shit about who the life of the party is, they just want to drink half a Lime-A-Rita and talk about something other than Paw Patrol.
VII. He definitely killed his kid, didn’t he?
VIII. This is an LA thing where you sit in a famous graveyard and watch classic movies on picnic blankets.
I Check to Make Sure My Boyfriend Is Still Breathing When He’s Sleeping
I. While it has happened once or twice, it is incredibly rare for a cis man to ask me this question.
II. On their chapped lips.
III. Crazy, of course is the more stigmatized, more insulting, more common term.
IV. On occasion, all of us are unreasonable and, even worse, delusional about it. All of us have outsize expectations of others, expectations that go unexpressed, making them even more unreasonable. We’re all poor communicators, impatient and imperfect in our relationships. But when I say “us” I don’t mean me, of course. Or you. Obviously, you and I are perfect.
V. Lest you think I’m overlooking the contributions of stay-at-home fathers, a study found that stay-at-home dads do less childcare on average than working moms.
VI. I’ve never been to an Airbnb anywhere in the world that didn’t have the most disorienting bathroom experience. It’s part of the fun! What does this knob do?
VII. Non-LA-ers: this is very far away from wherever you are. It literally doesn’t matter where in LA you are; Pasadena is far away.
VIII. I was practically shitting my pants with anxiety every single day over how to talk to a guy I liked who seemed to maybe like me back?? One week I got so nervous that I lost my appetite, which has never one other time in my entire life happened. I have never not wanted to eat. I was a train wreck.
IX. Sorry if you were one of my friends during this time. I was… obnoxious.
Riding Shotgun with My Hair Undone in the Front Seat of Margaux’s Truck
I. I also made it very clear to all the young interns that if they wanted to escape a conversation ever or report someone or have me yell at a guy, I would. And I often did!!! Flirty straight men in workplaces often hate me!
II. Because I was at work, I didn’t use the phrase “Shut the fuck up.” I said it in a way that was just professional enough to not get me fired. Like giving them a hard Paddington stare and saying, “Are you being serious?” Which is usually enough for a person to realize that they are wrong.
III. Within reason! You can’t harm people, obviously.
IV. Not in a creepy way!
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Copyright © 2021 by Sophia Benoit
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First Gallery Books hardcover edition July 2021
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Interior design by Michelle Marchese
Jacket design by Zoe Norvell
Jacket photographs by Adobe Stock and iStock/Getty Images
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Benoit, Sophia
, 1992– author.
Title: Well, this is exhausting : essays / Sophia Benoit.
Description: New York : Gallery Books, 2021.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020049501 (print) | LCCN 2020049502 (ebook) | ISBN 9781982151935 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781982151959 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Benoit, Sophia, 1992– | Journalists—United States—Biography. | Internet personalities—United States—Biography. | Conduct of life—Humor.
Classification: LCC PN4874.B425 A3 2021 (print) | LCC PN4874.B425 (ebook) | DDC 070.92 [B]—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020049501
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020049502
ISBN 978-1-9821-5193-5
ISBN 978-1-9821-5195-9 (ebook)
Well, This Is Exhausting Page 30