Chapter Thirty-Two
Lukas
Kassidy comes in the door, a strange look on her face, and I’m worried about what Sam has told her. Instinct tells me that he’d never break guy code by revealing my secret – but I also know how much he wants Kassidy and me to be together.
“Everything okay?” I ask tentatively. What she says next could’ve knocked me over with a feather.
“Yeah…it’s crazy, but Sam just told me that he and Mama were seein’ each other all this time.”
Melanie and Vivian audibly gasp, hands fly up to their mouths, obviously floored, as am I.
“What?” we all three say almost simultaneously.
“I knew that he was gone every evening till late, but hell, for all I knew, he could’ve been taking night classes over at the community college. He’s a grown man, so I wasn’t about to ask him,” I tell her, rubbing my chin in thought. “This explains a lot, though.”
“Like how upset he was ever since he found Miss Linda,” Melanie exclaims. “I’ll be honest, that just puzzled me somewhat. I know he was upset about being the one to find her like that…”
“But he was visibly grieving,” I finish her thought. “Definitely answers a lot of questions – except one…why did they keep it a secret, especially from you?”
“That was solely Mama’s idea,” Kassidy says with a shrug. “Makes no sense whatsoever, but the only one who can answer the question would be Mama. God only knows I wish she was here to do it,” she says sadly.
Gasping, Kassidy runs into Melanie’s room to retrieve something. She returns with some sort of journal, shoving it at me. “Can you break into this?”
I take a closer look at the lock and shrug. “Absolutely. It’s just a cheap aluminum lock.” I pull out my pocketknife, and in seconds, the lock pops open. “Easy peasy,” I say, handing the book and the broken lock back to her. She then opens it to the first page and begins reading.
About that time, Tommy knocks on the door before letting himself in. Spying Kassidy with the journal, he says, “Hey, I see you got it open! What’s in it?” he asks curiously.
“Mama’s memories,” Kassidy says. “And you missed a lot. We need to catch you up to speed.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Kassidy
After filling Uncle Tommy in on what Sam told me, he shakes his head in confusion.
“But why? Why wouldn’t she want a good man in ya’ll’s life the entire time – he’s never even been in your life at all. This just makes no sense to me. After the crappy dad you ended up with, why wouldn’t she want you to have a good substitute?”
“I’m not sure,” I shrug. “But maybe this journal will answer some questions. I honestly didn’t think it belonged to Mama when I found it. I just wanted to get it open so I can see who it belonged to and return it to them. I can’t say that I’m surprised I didn’t know she kept one…apparently I didn’t know Mama as well as I thought I did,” I shake my head.
With a sigh, Uncle Tommy gives me a concerned look.
“I was about to leave, just came by to tell you goodbye…but I can stay if you need me to, at least for a little while.”
Uncle Tommy owns his own feed store in Amarillo, and he is one of the biggest rodeo suppliers in the state…he also participates in rodeo competitions, and he’s won many awards. I’m so proud of him for doing what he loves.
“I’m fine, I just honestly don’t know what to do with my life now. I don’t wanna go back to work at Henderson’s – there’s just too much bad blood with that place. I guess I could get my apartment back…but I don’t know. I’m just not sure what my future holds right now, ya know?” Did I just see Lukas giving me the side-eye? Trick of the lighting, apparently. He’s not in any hurry to tell me how he’s feeling…did I just imagine everything? The state of mind I was in that night, it’s not beyond the scope of reason.
“Well, you know you’re always welcome to come live with me in Texas…find you a good job out there. You’d do fine,” Uncle Tommy says brightly.
“I’m just so confused right now – raincheck?” I ask, laying my head on his shoulder.
“Like you’ve even gotta ask,” Tommy says, playfully shoving me with his shoulder. “Open invitation, always.”
Lukas goes home, and I take Uncle Tommy to the airport. The ride is quiet at first, both of us reflecting on Mama’s send-off, and the shocking revelations that followed.
“So, how bout you and that Lukas? What’s the deal there?” Uncle Tommy says with a sly grin.
“Honestly, your guess is as good as mine,” I say with an exasperated sigh. “One minute I think we’re about to become a thing – the next, I’m feeling perpetually stuck in the friend-zone. Men! Who can understand them?”
“I know just what you mean – I don’t understand them neither,” Tommy says, making me holler out with laughter. I’m so gonna miss him.
“But if your story doesn’t go the way that you hope for, offer still stands. I overheard your daddy talkin’ to some folks at the visitation, and he seems to be wantin’ you to move you there with him,” he says with a grim look on his face. “And I know you don’t want that.”
“Oh, hell naw!” I say loudly. “He might as well put that pony back in stall, cause it ain’t runnin’…well, I sure hope that by the time that they left, he realizes he can scrap that idea!”
“Figured as much,” Tommy says with a grin. “That’s my girl.”
When I get back to Melanie’s, I decide to take the journal out to the porch swing and do some reading, hoping to find out just exactly who my Mama really was. She seems such an enigma to me right now. Promising Mel that we’re gonna finally do some much-needed girl time, I head out to the front porch, and settle myself down in the swing.
This is nice, actually – some alone time. I honestly don’t think that I’ve had one waking moment alone since before the night Mama died. I know that everyone means well…but yeah, this is nice.
The journal begins with memories that we shared as a family, brief descriptions of the few happy moments the three of us shared, before my daddy became such a tremendous ass. There’s mention of holidays, the joy on my face when I got my first big girl bike for Christmas, birthday parties when I was younger.
There is no surprise when I eventually get to entries about Daddy, and the cruel things he said and did to her. I know all about it for the most part, but then I come upon something that I did not know. Daddy forced Mama to quit Hoffman’s, where they worked together, and go to Henderson’s.
From what I had always been told, Mama left Hoffman’s to take a better job in the Human Resources department at Henderson’s, and that it was her idea. From what I’m reading right now, this was certainly not the case. Apparently, Daddy was having an affair with one of the salesgirls they worked with, and he wanted Mama out of the way so that he could pursue his affair. This is no surprise to me, as I’d heard Daddy tell Mama this the night before he left, and Sam had verified its legitimacy.
As I keep reading, I learn about Mama’s new job, about her coworkers, and then I read something that made me drop the journal like it was a snake.
August 24th, 2008 – Today, Marty said he wanted to talk to me. As I sat down in his office, I heard the lock on the door click. He walked up behind me, and he began massaging my shoulders. I asked him to please stop, that it was making me uncomfortable. He asked me how I was liking my job, and then slid his hands down and started cupping my breasts. I jumped up from the chair, and tried to make it to the door, but he stepped in front of me, grinning at me like a lecher. He repeated the question, to which I replied that right about now, I’m not liking it very much at all, to be honest. He leaned in close to my ear and whispered, “You’d better learn to be nice to me, or you won’t have a job to like.”
I am sickened by what I have just read, but I need to find out more. Did Mama have him charged with Sexual Harassment? With shaking hands, I pick up the journal and read on.
&nbs
p; There are other entries, where Mama successfully avoided this Marty, who was Office Supervisor. She tried to stay in the opposite direction of wherever this creep would be in. The next thing that I read makes my blood boil…
September 9th, 2008 – Tonight after supper, I tried to talk to Nicholas about what was happening to me at work. His reaction was inconceivable – he laughed at me! I told him that I was not joking, and that I couldn’t keep working there, because I was terrified of Marty. He told me, “Get real, Linda. I’ve known Marty Jessup for twenty years. We were on the high school football team together, surely you remember. I’ve seen his wife…what in the hell would he want to mess around with you for? You’re just trying to get outta working, so you can sit on your fat ass all day – well I’m not gonna have it! You’ll go back to work tomorrow, and you’ll keep your mouth shut about my buddy Marty!”
Tears are pouring down my face by this point, and my hatred for my so-called father is at the boiling point. Daddy made a very nice salary at Hoffman’s, and by the time I was twelve, just before he walked out on us, I’d began wondering why it was that Mama needed to work…now I have my answer. But just when I thought that I couldn’t hate him any more than I do right now, the next entry is going to take that hatred to the next level.
September 30th, 2008 – While Marty was out of his office, I used that as an opportunity to look for an employee file that was on his desk. He knew I’d be needing it, but I was honestly glad he hadn’t brought it to me, so I wouldn’t have to look at him. I found the folder, and as I turned around to leave his office, Marty was standing in the doorway, that sickening grin on his face. He didn’t say a word, but shut and locked the door, and shoved me backwards onto the couch he kept there. He covered my mouth tightly, so I couldn’t scream – and he…
The entry ended there, and God knows I couldn’t have read another word. I cover my mouth and sob, deep wracking sobs that I thought would never end. I didn’t want Melanie or Vivian to hear me – this was Mama’s shame, and I couldn’t let anyone know what she’d kept hidden for so long.
There is one final entry. It answers questions that I thought would remain unanswered.
October 19th, 2008 – I haven’t been back to work for two weeks now. I told Nicholas that I have the flu – I must look pretty awful, because he believed me. I don’t know what to do, but I cannot tell anyone what Marty did to me. Like Nicholas said, who would believe me anyway? They’d laugh at me just like he did, and I cannot bear anymore shame. Nicholas told me tonight that he’s leaving, that he wants a divorce, and I am relieved. I would have never had the courage to leave him – how would I provide for Kassidy by myself? Kassidy…I’m making a vow right now, that no man will ever get near her, not while I’m around to protect her. Men are disgusting and sickening creatures, and as God as my witness, there will never be a man around me and my baby girl to hurt either one of us again!
I think back to the sequence of events during and after Mama and Daddy’s divorce. I can remember Daddy coming to visit me before he moved to California. I had nothing to say to him, even then. As he turned to walk out the door a final time, he looked at Mama with disgust.
“You’ll be getting alimony and child support, the courts will see to that, unfortunately. Now you can sit at home on your ass and get fatter. I see that you’ve turned my daughter against me – why does that not surprise me? You’re pathetic…but at least you’re not gonna be an embarrassment to me anymore!” And with that, he was gone – good riddance for the both of us.
So many questions have now been answered…the reason Mama started working at Henderson’s, why she started getting depressed and gaining weight, why she never let Sam get to know me or even come around when I was living at home – and why she never reported the rape. These are all secrets that Mama took to the grave, and I will take them to mine as well.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Lukas
Days pass, and I spend my time working on the cabin, doin’ some of the repairs from the tornado. Sam’s insurance wanted him to hire contractors, but a lot of the work me and him have decided to do ourselves. Too much on a man’s mind combined with too much time on his hands never lead to anything good. I think me and my buddy both need to work some of this stress off, so we can get our home – and our heads together.
I haven’t heard from Kassidy since the day of the funeral, but maybe her and me need some time apart. The recent tragedy kinda pushed us together, and we spent pretty much every waking hour together, and I ain’t trying to make her sick of me. That’s my guy’s way of thinkin’ anyway.
Luckily, the outside timbers are still intact, heavy as they are, but if we’d gotten a direct hit, that would’ve been all she wrote for the cabin – and for us. The memory of Kassidy and Linda’s house, the absolute devastation of it all, runs a chill down my spine at how easily that could have been us, and then an ache in my heart – survivor’s guilt, I reckon. Kassidy sure had a severe case of that in the days following her mama’s death, until Vivian and Melanie convinced her that it was all in God’s plan, and that her mama’s death was already preordained the day she was born. This eased her guilt a little, but then she got pissed off at God, which hopefully has subsided by now. She’s gonna need her therapist, who she started seein’ after her attack, to be on call at any given moment, that’s for sure. If anybody ever needed therapy, it’s Kassidy, after all the girl had been through in such a short amount of time.
Tommy told us one night while she was sleeping, that she’d gotten in a bad way at the house ruins, thinkin’ that her mama had been waiting for her to come home, and that’s why she hadn’t taken shelter. He said he set her straight on that matter - but told us to keep an eye out on her depression and her behavior. I think pretty much what he was telling us was to keep her on suicide watch. That’s why I spent the night there, sleepin’ on the couch the days before the funeral.
I’d do anything for that girl. I wish with all that’s in me, that I could fix her broken heart, her broken spirit, but I can’t. All I can do is be there for her, and love her…even if she doesn’t know it yet.
Once the time is right, and not so obvious that I realized my feelings when her mama died, I’m gonna tell her. I mean, who could blame her if she took it the wrong way – if she decided that the only reason that I have feelings for her is out of pity? She didn’t take kindly to all of the pitied looks she was given after her assault, so it stands to reason that this would be something that would highly piss her off, sending her running in the opposite direction, instead of into my arms. That is what I’m not willing to risk. Much as Sam thinks that he knows what’s best for me, I’m not gonna make a hasty decision that could send Kassidy out of my life for good on a whim. Just because my heart yearns for her to be my girl right now – it’s just not worth it.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Kassidy
Melanie and I decide to go to the park, to escape from reality for a little while, and watch the ducks in peaceful solace.
“So, how are you feeling?” Melanie asks with genuine concern. “I feel like we haven’t had a chance to talk for way too long.”
“Well,” I say, not knowing exactly where to begin. “I was doing much better mentally and emotionally until earlier. I decided to read Mama’s journal, and I got some disturbing answers to a lot of my questions. I won’t share any of it, because these were Mama’s private thoughts, but my heart is broken for her, and I’m mad as hell at the same time. I’ve just gotta figure out what to do about it.”
“I totally understand, I’m just glad you finally got some answers. So, while not telling me the details, what is it you’ve gotta do?”
“The first thing is to talk to Sam, to let him know that he did nothing to make Mama keep him at arm’s length for so long. Then I’ve got some choice words for my so-called Daddy…and words might not be all I have in store for him. I’ve just got to sort out my plan,” I say with a shrug.
“I wish I could help,
but I know this is a family thing, and I wouldn’t ever wanna pry,” Mel says wistfully. She’s a true-blue friend if there ever was one. I just wish I hadn’t ignored her so much the past week, but I know that she is more than understanding of my situation.
“You know – there might be something you can help me with after all,” I say, the seed of a plan beginning to form in my mind’s eye. “Is your cousin DJ still good at hacking into computers?”
My Daddy hurt my Mama in ways I had never even imagined, and it was my heart’s desire to make him pay for that, one way or another.
Mama had set aside some money for me, in case I wanted to take some classes, or even as a nest egg for when I got married. I’ve never touched it, or even thought about it, until today.
I need to take a trip to California. In all the years that my father has lived there, and as many times as he’s begged me to come for a visit, I have never been there. For one, I didn’t wanna leave Mama alone, and two, I honestly didn’t like my father, even back then.
I guess I must’ve been sixteen when I finally even started taking his Facetime calls…four years after he walked out on us and made our lives all the better for it. I thought of myself as mature at that age, and I decided it was time to let go of the past and try and build a relationship with my daddy. It wasn’t that bad, actually – except when he would mention my appearance, more precisely, my weight. That’s when the calls would end for a month or so, until I got over being pissed at him – until the next time, of course.
I guess this is why my totally ghosting him during the days after Mama died has him so confused. The answer to that is simple – losing Mama brought back all of the resentment that I felt towards him for those four years, times ten. That is nothing compared to the hatred I feel for him right now.
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