by Bartimeus
*XXIV.*
*"A PICTURESQUE CEREMONY."*
"S---- Parish Church was, yesterday afternoon, the scene of apicturesque ceremony...."--_Local Paper_.
The Torpedo Lieutenant (hereinafter known as "Torps") was awakened bythe June sunlight streaming in through the open scuttle of his cabin.Overhead the quarterdeck-men were busy scrubbing decks: the gratingmurmur of the holystones and swish of water from the hoses, all part ofeach day's familiar routine, sent his eyes round to the clock ticking onthe chest of drawers.
For a while he lay musing, watching with thoughtful gaze the disc ofblue sky framed by the circle of the scuttle; then, as if in obedienceto a sudden resolution, he threw back the bed-clothes and hoistedhimself out of his bunk. Slipping his feet into a pair of raggedsandals, he left his cabin and walked along the flat till he came toanother a few yards away; this he entered, drawing the curtainnoiselessly.
The occupant of the bunk was still asleep, breathing evenly and quietly,one bare forearm, with the faint outline of a snake tattooed upon it,lying along the coverlet. For a few moments the new-comer stoodwatching the sleeper, the corners of his eyes creased in a little smile.Men sometimes smile at their friends that way, and at their dogs. Theface on the pillow looked very boyish, somehow, ... he hadn't changedmuch since _Britannia_ days, really; and they had been through a gooddeal between then and now. Wholesome, lean old face it was; no wonder awoman...
The sleeper stirred, sighed a little, and opened his eyes. For a momentthey rested, clear and direct as an awakened child's, on Torps' face;then he laughed a greeting--
"Hullo, Torps!" He yawned and stretched, and rising on one elbow,thrust his head out of the scuttle. "Thank Heaven for a fine day!Number One back from leave yet?"
"Yes, he's back: you're quite safe."
The other lay back in the bunk. "Has Phillips brought my tea yet?" Helooked round helplessly. "What an awful pot-mess my cabin is in. Thoseare presents that came last night--they've all got to be packed. What'sthe time? Why, it's only half-past seven! Torps, you are the limit! Iswear I've always read in books that fellows stayed in bed till lunch onthese occasions, mugging up the marriage-service. I'm not going to getup in the middle of the night--be blowed if I do!"
Torps lit a cigarette. "That's only in books. We'll have breakfast,and take your gear up to the hotel, and then we'll play nine holes ofgolf--just to take our minds off frivolous subjects."
"Golf! My dear old ass, I couldn't drive a yard!"
"Well, you're going to have a try, anyway. Everything's arranged thatcan be: you aren't allowed to drink cocktails; you can't see Her--tilltwo o'clock. You'd fret yourself into a fever here in bed--what else doyou think you're going to do?"
The prospective bridegroom stirred his tea in silence. "Well, I supposethere's something in all that; pass me a cigarette--there's a box justthere.... Oh, thanks, old bird; don't quite know why I should betreated as if I were an irresponsible and feeble-minded invalid, justbecause I'm going to be married."
The Best Man laughed. "How d'you feel about it yourself?"
"H'm.... D'you remember one morning at Kao-chu--was that the name ofthe place? It began to dawn, and we saw those yellow devils coming up,a thousand or so of the blighters: we had a half-company and no maxim,d'you remember? It was dev'lish cold, and we wanted our breakfasts, ...and we were about sixteen?"
Torps smiled recollection. "Bad's that?"
"Very nearly."
"I remember--what they call in the quack advertisements 'That SickishFeeling'! Never mind, turn out and scrape your face; you'll feel muchbetter after your bath----"
Outside in the flat the voice of some one carolling drew near--
"_For_ ... it is ... my _wed_--ding _MOR-_ ... ning....!"
The victim groaned. "Oh Lord! Now they're going to start being comic."
"All right; it's only the Indiarubber Man."[#] The curtain was drawnback and a smiling face, surmounted by a shock of ruddy hair, thrustinto the cabin--
[#] Lieutenant for Physical Training Duties.
"'Morning, Guns! Many happy returns of the day, and all that sort ofthing. Merry and bright?"
The Gunnery Lieutenant forced a wan smile. "Quite--thanks."
"That's right! And our Torps in attendance with smelling salts....Condemned man suffered Billington to pinion him without Resistance----"
The bridegroom sat up, searching for a missile. "Look here, forgoodness' sake.... That 'Condemned man' business 's been done before.All the people who tell funny stories about fellows being married----"
"Tut, tut! Tuts in two places! A pretty business, forsooth! Sense ofhumour going. Beginning of the end. Fractious. Tongue furred, for allwe know.... Where's the Young Doc.? I suggest a thorough medicalexamination before it's too late----" Another face appeared grinning inthe doorway. "Why, here he is! Doc., don't you think a stringentmedical examination----"
The Gunnery Lieutenant crawled reluctantly out of his bunk. "You twoneedn't come scrapping in here. I'm going to shave, and I don't want tocut my face off!"
The visitors helped themselves to cigarettes. "We don't want to scrap:we want to see you shave, Guns. Watch him lathering himself with aspenhand!" They explored the cardboard-boxes and parcels that littered allavailable space. "Did you ever see such prodigal generosity as theman's friends display! Toast-rack--no home complete withoutone--Card-case!"--they probed among the tissue wrappings. "Case ofpipes.... Handsome ormulu timepiece, suitably inscribed. My Ghost!Guns--almost thou persuadest me ..."
"Yes, those things came last night: people are awfully kind----"
The Torpedo Lieutenant intervened. "Come on, give him a chance--I'llnever get him dressed with you two messing about."
The Gunnery Lieutenant grinned above the lather at his reflection in themirror. "D'you hear that! That's the way he's been going on ever sinceI woke up. One would think I had G.P.I.!" The visitors prepared todepart. "You have my profound sympathy, Torps," said the Surgeon. "Iwas Best Man to a fellow once--faith, I kept him under morphia till itwas all over. He was practically no trouble."
"Now I'm going to get my bath," said the Torpedo Lieutenant when thewell-wishers had taken their departure. "Shove on any old clothes:we'll send your full-dress up to the hotel, and your boxes to the house;and you needn't worry your old head about anything."
Torps left the cabin; there was a tap at the door and a private ofMarines entered, surveying the Gunnery Lieutenant with affectionateregard. "I just come in to see if we was turnin' out, sir. Razor allright? Better 'ave a 'ot bath this mornin', sir!" His master'sunaccountable predilection for immersing his body in cold water everymorning was a custom that not even twelve years of familiarity hadrobbed of its awfulness. "I strip right down an' 'ad a bath meself,sir, mornin' I was spliced," he admitted, as one who condones generouslyan inexplicable weakness, "but it were a 'ot one. You'd best 'ave it'ot, sir!"
His master laughed. "No, thanks, Phillips; it's all right as it is.Will you be up at the house this afternoon and lend a hand, after theceremony?"
The Private of Marines nodded sorrowfully. "I understands, sir. I binmarried meself--I knows all the routine, as you might say." He departedwith a sigh that left a faint reminiscence of rum in the morning air,and the Gunnery Lieutenant proceeded with his toilet, humming a littletune under his breath. Half an hour later he entered the Wardroom cladin comfortable grey flannels and an old shooting-coat. The Mess,breakfasting, received him with a queer mixture of chaff and solicitude.The First Lieutenant grinned over a boiled egg: "Guns, sorry I couldn'tget back earlier to relieve you, but 'urgent private affairs,' youknow."
"All right, Number One! As long as you got back before two o'clock thisafternoon, that's all I cared about." He helped himself to bacon andpoured out a cup of coffee.
"Marvellous!" The Indiarubber Man opposite feigned breathless interestin his actions, and murmured something i
nto his cup about condemned menpartaking of hearty breakfasts.
"Come on, that's enough of the 'Condemned man'! You'd better find outsomething about a Groomsman's duties," said the Best Man, coming to therescue of his principal.
"Am I a Groomsman? So I am--I'd forgotten. What do I do? Show peopleto their seats: 'this way please, madam, second shop through on theright.' ... Have you any rich aunts, Guns? 'Pon my word, I might getoff this afternoon--you never know. 'Every nice girl loves asailor....' Which of the lucky bridesmaids falls to my lot? Do I kissthe bride...?"
"You try it on," retorted the prospective husband grimly.'
"Can't I kiss anybody," inquired the Indiarubber Man plaintively.
"Not if they see you coming, I shouldn't think," cut in the Paymasterfrom behind his paper.
"Then the head waiter and I will retire behind a screen and get quietlydrunk--I don't suppose anybody will want to kiss him either: they neverdo, somehow. We shall drift together, blighted misogamists...."
The Engineer Commander glowered at the speaker. "Suppose ye reserve alittle of this unpar-r-ralleled wit----"
"I will, Chief--beg pardon. But there's something about a weddingmorning--don't you know? Screams-of-fun-and-roars-of-laughter sort ofatmosphere." He looked round the silent table. "Now I've annoyedeverybody. Ah, me! What it is to have to live with mouldy messmates,..." and the Indiarubber Man drifted away to the smoking-room.
"He ought to keep your little show from getting dull this afternoon,"said the First Lieutenant.
The Gunnery Lieutenant laughed. "Yes, it's pleasant to find some onewho does regard it as a joke. The only trouble is that his bridesmaidis my young sister, a flapper from school, and I know he'll make hergiggle in the middle of the service. She doesn't want muchencouragement at any time." The speaker finished a leisurely breakfastand filled his pipe.
"Now then, Torps, I'm ready for you and your nine holes...."