by N. Tetterton
When I walk into her room I see Lucy standing over top of her and I hear a growl come out of my mouth as the sounds leave me Billie’s eyes flutter open. “Good morning,” I smile, moving over to her bedside and sitting down. “They tell you that you’re on vocal rest?” She nods. “I’m so glad you’re safe and okay,” I say, leaning over, I kiss her hand. Lucy comes over and sits down on the other side of her. I can’t look at both of them in the same space. Because I haven’t had enough time to process.
Apparently, Billie instantly notices how uncomfortable that I am and that I’m not looking at Lucy. This causes her to turn her head and look at Lucy. “Oh, that?” I turn my body more so that Lucy cannot be seen out of my peripheral. “Burning Man may or may not have come up.” I see the glare that Billie gives her which causes me to laugh. “I mean I didn’t tell them what exactly happened-,”
I cut Lucy off, “Unless the next words are it’s not nearly what I made it out to be and that nothing actually happened. Can we drop it? I’m not sure if my dick can hear any more, of that story.” Looking at Billie I hold up three fingers, mouthing the words three months and then pointing at her so that they understand that the throbbing coming from my dick is too intense. Billie’s eyes widen, so does Lucy’s, as well as a different doctor from before, while he is walking into the room. “Fuck,” I mumble under my breath. Of course, it’s Dan. He looks at me confused for a second, then to my hand which is holding Billie’s as she lays in the bed which causes a more confused look to form on his face.
Knowing someone your entire life gives you almost an unspoken language. Even after not speaking to him for over a decade all I have to do is cut my eyes at him, which he knows is my way of telling him, listen here motherfucker, you don’t even think about it. SHE’S MINE. He nods his head telling me that he understands. Then tilting his head to the side he looks at me trying to tell me as long as she is okay with that.
Fuck him.
…Don’t miss this time.
“"I know.” I say as I pull over onto the side of the road, “Let me hold your phone.” I tell her and she sends me a questioning stare. I get it, believe me, I do. “Do you trust me?” I ask her and she sends me a look that is trying to say that she’s not sure, “Just give me the damn phone.” I tell her. The grin on her face causes me to shake my head. I pop out the SIM card of her phone and tell her to put it somewhere she’s not going to lose it. I watch as she slips it into the watch pocket of her jeans. That’s going to be a pain in the ass to get out later. I shrug as I put mine into my wallet and then flick the light off, “Don’t worry. I do this all of the time. It will be fine.” I tell her before I lift the bike up and pull back out onto the road.
Pulling off of the road as I steer us up the mountain to purgatory. She clutches me tighter the higher up the mountain that we go. When I flip the bike around and slowly start to back us into the mountain she’s looking back to see where we are going as well. Her eyes are wide as she sees the tunnel widen and then the jeep sitting. She looks back at me and I smirk.
Turning the bike off I look at her. “I know.” I whisper back to her, “Dyno is coming out and we’re heading to our test spot.” I tell her as I place both of our phones into the lockbox and press the code on the keypad to open the door.
Dyno comes hectically around the corner. I’m sure because he heard the door open. “Shit, sorry Prez, I lost track of time… I’ll be a few minutes.” Nodding to him I look to Billie to come into the door.
“Come on in,” I mumble to her as we walk inside and we sit down in the chairs that are as soon as you walk into the lab. I’m not really sure how I can tell what she is thinking since she can’t talk, but I can. “It’s an old mine shaft,” I tell her. She smiles I’m assuming because I can apparently read her mind. “We reinforced it, created a lab. We store some stuff up there.” She just nods her head, not asking me any follow-up questions.
When Dyno comes back Billie and I stand and get into the Jeep with him. I was expecting some kind of hesitation when I told Billie we were heading out to the desert… but she didn’t. Apparently, she really does trust me.
The night is growing later as we drive to our test spot. Billie sits in the backseat as I glance back to her to see her looking around somehow in awe. I understand her excitement the desert at night does have a sort of appeal to it.
As we approach the spot you can the outline of what we are approaching and I can tell Billie is trying to see what exactly it is as she moves forward in her seat. She’s trying to focus on the object.
When she can make out the Mustang outline she smacks me on the shoulder. One of the biggest downfalls of her not being able to talk is I end up getting hit a lot more.
“Yeah, Jeff called and wanted to see if you wanted it. I remembered you said you wanted to set it on fire, so we went and picked it up.” I pause looking back at her, “I mean you can keep it if you want to.” She quickly shakes her head, no. “You can blow it up if you want to?” She nods her head even faster. “Okay.”
Nodding to Dyno as he stops the Jeep and looks at her. “I’ve put a propane tank in the trunk…” he pauses. This is why this dude is awesome. It goes back to the thing he said about understanding explosives and how they have a purpose. “We’ll pour some gas on it. And then light it, then we have to put some distance between the car and us. Because it’s going to explode, and it’s going to be loud. It may draw some attention, but probably not. I’ve blown up a lot of shit out here before…” he trails as we pull up right next to the mustang. Getting out of the Jeep I reach over helping Billie out and picking up the gas tank off of the ground handing it to her. I don’t want to take away any part of this for her. Leaning against the jeep I watch as she pours the liquid onto the seats of the car.
Once she’s done she looks back to me, but honestly, I have no fucking clue what I’m doing either so I look back to Dyno. Who shrugs, nodding his head. Holding out the generic zippo to her she looks back at me. Smiling she takes it from my hand, opens it, steps up into the jeep, up in the backseat, she flicks the flint wheel and watches the small flame ignite. She tosses the zippo at the car.
The smallest clink happens when the lighter hits the side of the driver’s side door and hits the ground and the way the lighter hits the ground the top flicks closed and the flame goes out.
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. I watch Billie mouth to herself as I laugh again, take the few paces to pick it up, and hand it back to her, laughing.
“Don’t miss this time,” I whisper to her which causes Dyno to let a laugh escape his mouth.
Once more she opens the lighter, flicks the flint wheel, and tosses it into the car. This time it actually makes it through the window and we are already moving away from the car as the seats catch on fire.
❖
Watching Brad’s car light up in flames gives me a sense of relief that I didn’t know I would get. As Dyno moves us away from the explosion I turn around in the jeep and watch the flames until we turn to make our way up a different mountain and we stop once we reach the top of it.
The car is on fire for a few minutes before it is fully engulfed in flames, which in itself is comforting.
The explosion when the propane catches fire fully satisfies my sense of revenge. I know it doesn’t make sense because I killed him, but the amount of relief that it gives me to hear that fucking car which he was so in love explode gives me a different sort of satisfaction. It’s my insult to injury.
“Let’s get out of here. Just in case.” Dyno looks in the rearview mirror at me as he maneuvers us back to, as what Dax called it, purgatory. I can appreciate the name since it’s all the way out here in the desert and you wouldn’t even know it was here.
❖
That night, when Dax drops me off back at Lucy’s house he walks me to the door. I want to be a smart ass to him, but the fact that I’m on vocal rest makes that difficult. So instead of making a joke about how underneath the ruggedness of his exterior there
’s a gentleman there I just give him a facial expression that is supposed to read as in awe.
“Shut it.” He mutters to me as I turn and look at him at the front door. Then I follow it up with an expression that I mean to say but I didn’t say a thing. “Yeah, I know, but you forget that I can read you like a book.” He smiles at me as he leans down and kisses me gently, once.
Pulling him into my body on the front porch of the house, he leans in pressing me into the wall. His tongue slipping past my lips and into my mouth as we frantically devour one another. His hands slipping down my side until he rests it low on my hip.
He pulls away from me just as quickly as I pulled him into my body. “Billie,” he growls as he cuts his eyes to me. “You’re trying to kill me. We cannot do that yet. You’re on vocal rest.”
I’m on vocal rest doesn’t mean I can’t sleep with you… is what my expression is trying to pass off instead of using words.
Shaking his head he leans his head down, pressing his body flush with mine, and whispers into my ear, “Princess, when I fuck you I’m going to have you screaming my name so loud. Which means that you cannot be on vocal rest.” My mouth hangs agape, I’m not sure if it’s because of his words or the length of his erection poking into my stomach that is causing my shocked expression.
With that, he turns quickly and struts back to his bike before he takes off down the street.
…Just go and fuck someone else since you don’t want to fuck me…
“Everything looks good. You can come off of vocal rest. And come back in about a month to get the stitches out of your arm.” I nod to him. “You’re very lucky.” I hear my doctor ask me.
“Yeah, super lucky,” I mumble feeling weird to be able to actually talk for the first time in a week.
“Ms. Saxs, I don’t mean to overstep here but I couldn’t help but notice that when you were in here those bikers were hanging out is the one your boyfriend?” He asks me and I send him a confused look. Mostly because I don’t really know how to answer that question. I don’t know what we are. I know that I’m in love with him and he loves me but it’s complicated.
So instead I answer his question a different way, “You know him?”
“Everyone in this town knows who he is. It’s just he has a reputation.” I bring my eyebrows together and look at him, “He’s dangerous.” His words come out quiet and I stare at him.
“You’re right, doc.” I mutter to him and then laugh as my next words come out, “You did overstep. He may be dangerous to you and he may be dangerous to anyone else in this town, but he did kind of save my life.”
“Okay, but was it his fault that your life was in danger in the first place.”
“No,” I laugh as the word comes out, “it was my fault.” I stand as I start to storm out of the room. His words stop me before I make my way all the way to the door.
“I’m sorry,” he seems sincere. So I turn and look at him, “I just wanted to make sure you knew. I’ve known of him for a long time and maybe a little jealous.” Wondering why he’s jealous, “If things don’t work out you can come and find me.” He scribbles something down on a piece of paper and hands it to me.
I roll my eyes as I see his cell phone number scribbled out on the back of his business card.
❖
I’m waiting for Billie as she pulls into her driveway in my Land Rover that I have told her to drive until she gets her car situation figured out. She smiles at me. I stalk up to her and wrap my arms around her body. I kiss her. Instantly regretting it though I know what I need to do. What I came here to do, but looking at her standing there smiling at me. It sets my whole body on edge.
She walks to the back of the SUV and opens the door to grab the bags from the grocery store.
“I got them,” I tell her and reach in to grab them. I wish I could be could to her, but for some reason, I can’t.
“Come on,” she tells me while walking into the house.
“You shouldn’t be talking,” I tell her even though her voice sounds better and she no longer looks like she’s in pain.
“The doctor told me that I could if it wasn’t painful. And it’s fine now.” She stops, looking at me, and then adds, “Lucy is staying… out.”
“Is out now code for with Fury?” Her laugh tells me that I was right. “That’s a weird fuckin’ relationship.”
“You’re telling me.” She laughs, “Not really sure if I like the idea of it. I’m not sure about seeing Lucy actually with someone.”
“She’s never dated?”
“Not in a long time, since…” she shakes her head, “but for some reason the two of them…”
“You don’t have to say anymore.” She laughs.
“You haven’t been with them this week.” I laugh even harder. I place the bags on the counter and she starts sorting through them.
“So, I heard that you were in on this little pool thing.” She puts her head down as she giggles a little bit. I can’t help but close the distance between us and wrap my arms around her body pulling her back into me. “Seems like there’s a lot I don’t know about you.” I nip her ear which causes her to jerk to head back.
She just starts nodding her head, “Yeah… Lucy was right Brad made me into a different person. I feel like I just lost pieces of myself over the years. The free-spirited girl who would-,” she pauses.
“Go to Burning Man, take acid, and sleep with her best friend.” Her face reddens, causing her to look down. “Stop it, don’t be embarrassed,” I growl into her ear. I press my hips into her more just to make sure she can feel every inch of the erection that I have, knowing that she definitely shouldn’t be embarrassed.
“Yeah.” Her voice squeaks. “I lost that person that I was through years of emotional abuse.” Her talking about losing herself reminds me why I’m really here.
“Let’s order in,” I say as she looks at me at the food that she sorts through. “We have some things to discuss… and I don’t want you to strain to do both.” She smiles at me and nods.
We wait for the Chinese food to arrive before we start talking.
We eat in uncomfortable silence for a while before I look over to her. “Bil-,” her name comes out of my mouth, sadly. She doesn’t look up at me, instead, she continues to stare down at her food. “Billie,” the word is a little louder when she looks up at me.
“I know,” her words strike me.
“You know what?” She looks down at her food again.
“I know what you’re going to say.” She pauses, sighs, and looks back up to me, “That I just killed my husband. I need time to process this. That he was emotionally abusive towards me for years and I need time to find myself again.” Everything she says is right. Those were all things I was going to say to her and more, but if I tell her everything will it break her heart more. I don’t want to look at her with emotion on my face. “Dax, if you’re going to do it. Say it.” Her words are strict and she means it, “If you can’t say it,” her voice cracks and it breaks my heart.
“Billie, we can’t do this right now.” I watch the water fill up her eyes. “I love you, ” my voice cracks.
She looks at me, “but…”
“I don’t want to hold you back. I don’t want you to fall into a routine and never figure out who you are.” She nods her head looking away. I can’t help myself when I close the distance and I want to hold her. I don’t want to make her cry. I tip her head up so she looks at me. “You deserve so much more than what I have to give.” She shakes her head, pushes herself out of my grasp, and walks down the hallways into her room, slamming the door. “Shit,” I mutter as I stand in the kitchen, alone. I clean up the food, walk down the hallway, and knock on the door. I don’t want to leave her like this, but I’m the reason that she is like this.
“Fuck off, Khan.” The road name comes out as a sneer and I think it breaks my heart. “Go and live your life the way you want to…” I know she doesn’t mean that. I sit down next to the door.
“Billie, this isn’t easy for me, but I’m trying to do what’s in your best interest.” The door opens, quickly and I scramble up off of the floor. She’s pissed now, staring at me.
“Fuck you!” She shouts at me. “Don’t you think that I am capable of making decisions that are in my best interest? Just be real. You’ve missed your lifestyle since I’ve been living at your house.” I know the words are being used to deflect from her own pain, but it doesn’t make them sting any less. “Just go and fuck someone else since you don’t want to fuck me.” She stares at me daring me to say something. She knows I can’t say anything back to it because if I do I’m either admitting that I do or lying. So, after staring at me for minutes that seem longer than they should she slams the door in my face.
Head hanging, I walk to the kitchen once more, I grab my wallet that I had left on the counter after I paid for the food.
Then I leave the house.
❖
Somewhere between getting on to the freeway and exiting it my emotions turn from sadness to anger.
I’m just trying to do the best for her, not for me. If I was doing what was best for me, I would have just fucked her, cause god knows I want to fuck her. So bad, I’m trying to be good, I’m trying to be the best person that she needs right now.
When I pull up to the clubhouse I am fucking pissed. Who the fuck does she think she is? I walk through the door to the clubhouse and into the lounge area. Rox is behind the bar as I sit down, “Khan, whiskey?” I nod my head as she grabs the bottle sitting the glass in front of me and pours a shot.
“More,” I mutter to her, she looks up at me, knowing that I don’t drink like this, and eyes me, hesitating. I glare back at her and she tips the bottle up pouring more into the glass. “More,” she looks around and begins to pour again, “Mor-“ she eyes widen as I stop myself and then correct my statement, “just give me a fucking bottle,” I tell her and she looks around like she wants to tell me no. I give her a look like go ahead and fucking try me, you still work for me. She reaches behind the bar and hands me the bottle with the pourer still attached, and I smile at her, “thank you.” As I stand up taking the glass filled with whiskey with me.