feels affection for him: the same fat man he’d
tion.
encountered years later on Greeve, the one he
There is no way to tell time, but he remains
had then come to call Janus.
in that position for hours.
The future Janus says: Someday you will
come to think of me as a friend.
At some point, without any obvious transi-
The past Draiken, holding on to his sanity by
tion, he surrenders to sleep, and from there, to
the thinnest of margins, can either continue to
dreaming.
hold on or formulate complete sentences. He
For the most part, he is not a man who re-
contents himself with a grimaced, No.
members his dreams. He is, however, a man
We won’t be equals, Janus says conversa-
who suffers from them.
tionally. By then you will consider yourself in-
Many have been the mornings when he’s
significant, and myself an elevated creature,
woken trembling and shiny with sweat, as the
who you are required to please in order to en-
last wisps of something beyond terrible dissi-
joy the most fleeting rewards. You will be
pated inside his skull. Many have been the
thankful for every fleeting moment of consid-
times when he retained just enough of an im-
eration I show you.
pression, for just long enough, to know where
Even the dreaming Draiken knows that it
he’s been, and what he’s been reliving. He
will not happen that way. He does escape, and
pities his sleeping self for not being able to es-
years later will know a day when Janus has to
cape such memories. But waking memories of
answer to him. But in the memory he is still
what he suffered in sleep are always gone in
trapped in the uncertainty of the version of
minutes, a small mercy for a man who has nev-
himself driven half-mad by this room. No.
er wanted to relive the worst.
The sad thing, Janus says, is that even if you On this occasion, he returns to a period of
do cooperate, it will never be over. You might
several weeks he once spent locked inside a
consider yourself free and beyond our reach,
room with no walls—or rather, one with walls
and someday find that we have always
that he could never reach, that were built to re-
known what bolt-hole you crawled to, what
cede whenever he made any attempt to ap-
refuge you thought you had found. You might
proach them. He could run, he could leap, he
discover that there is no escape for you, short
could dart about like a madman, but he always
of death.
remained in their precise center, victim of
I can find you.
their refusal to have anything to do with him.
Janus smirks. And what of the people be-
It was not a square or rectangular room, ei-
hind me?
BLURRED LIVES
175
ANALOG
I’ll find them.
long; it’s now been shaven close to the skull.
And when they lead you to the people who
She had worn flattering clothes; they’ve been
provide their orders?
replaced with a shapeless coverall, like his. She
I’ll find them, too.
had been defiant and angry and resentful; now
And when you discover that there are oth-
she is resentful and something else that he nev-
ers who pull even their strings?
er would have called her before: defeated.
I will not stop.
“You had to do it,” she snarls. “You had to
Janus beams, and the captive Draiken is left
put yourself in his cage. Now we’re both there.
thinking of him as a gnome on a toadstool,
I hope you’re bloody satisfied.”
supremely self-satisfied with his own base na-
He feels the bottom fall out of his world.
ture. And someday, he says, when you navi-
“Thorne, I . . .”
gate all the layers of this labyrinth back to the
“Don’t you dare tell me you’re sorry, you id-
starting point, and find yourself as responsi-
iot. They have both of us now.”
ble for the evil you see as any other, what will
He shifts position, in the process retreating
you do then? Will your righteousness force
across the bed until his back is pressed hard
you to press the killing blade to your own
against the wall. It’s an avoidance tell, the act
throat?
of a trapped man, a gesture that if he saw in an-
He is silent for a long time. I served you. It
other he would have no trouble responding to
would be just.
in some manner that rebound to his advantage,
You cannot reach me or the others. You do,
but shock continues to throw him off. “What
however, possess the power over your own
happened?”
continued existence. If you’re truly honest
“What hap—” Incredulity will not permit
about your intentions, then turn your ambi-
her to f inish. She hauls off and strikes him
tions to killing yourself, and eliminate all
again.
those unnecessary and futile steps in be-
It is not the kind of deadly blow Thorne is
tween. Answer our questions, and we’ll offer
capable of. It is wild, unfocused, the kind of
you all the assistance you need.
punch that any amateur can throw without
Never, he says.
training, or that a professional can throw when
Janus regards him with infuriating pity.
she retains enough sanity to control herself. It
Alas, sir. Never is a theoretical concept. And lands hard and stings like hell.
even your will is finite.
He takes no retribution. “How long has it
been?”
He wakes from a blow to the face.
“Four weeks. You asshole.”
This one he feels. On the prior occasions,
It’s almost impossible to tell time in this lim-
his mind f iltered out not just the assault as it
bo of a place, but that’s greater than his most
happened, but also any pain he should have
generous estimate, by a factor of seven. He’s
felt afterward, allowing him no means to track
only slept four times, to his knowledge. “Are
what had been done to him except for the sud-
you sure? I’ve been measuring—”
den jerking displacement that left him on the
“I don’t care what bloody over-conf ident
f loor or on the bed or wherever the unseen
method you’ve been using to tell time. It’s ir-
fists had driven him. This is different. This is an
relevant, don’t you see that? Every time you got
actual tactile sensation, an open-handed slap to
even close to figuring out anything, Silver re-
the cheek. He cries out and sits bolt upright
booted you back to the beginning. He thought
and grabs for the f igure assaulting him, his
it was funny, damn him. I watched him do it a
combat calculator of a mind already mapping a
half dozen times, and each time he cackled,
dozen ways to pursue what he expects to be a
saying he could keep this going until you died
battle to the death—but even as he seizes his
of old age, like him. He didn’t stop until I
assailant by the wrist, more intelligence has
pointed out that he’d still be dead a long time
flooded in, and he knows that his predicament
before you were, and then he said that you’d
might be even worse.
forfeited the wager and permanently belonged
“Thorne?”
to him now. Like you should have known he
She has changed, or been changed, since
was going to do, when you so stupidly agreed
the last time he saw her. She had worn her hair
to this shit.”
176
ADAM-TROY CASTRO
JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2018
He is neither shocked nor surprised. “Did
nize that you’ve screwed us both except sur-
they overpower you?”
render to what he wants you to believe?”
“You are such a fool.”
He sees her point, but says only, “I haven’t
“Did they?”
surrendered. And I still think the wager isn’t
“No, they didn’t overpower me. They
over.”
caught up with me, you idiot.”
She throws up her hands in frustration. “I re-
“You ran?”
ally should kill you. I’d be alone forever, but I
“You still persist in overestimating my ca-
really should kill you. It’s no less than you de-
pacity for loyalty. Of course, I ran. I had no rea-serve.”
son to stay when I saw how badly you were
And then, as if the only choice left to her
lost to him. So I left! I told him he could have
was the one between murdering him and
you, and I left! I booked passage off-station and
storming out, she slides his door to its open
was well on my way to being free of this place
position and storms out.
when his people came for me. Said he wasn’t
Her exit stuns him. He had expected more
finished with me, and now we’re both stuck.”
resentment, more defiance, even an assault on
He massages his jaw. “It wasn’t Edif ice
him, since it wouldn’t even be the first time.
knocking me around, on this last go-round. It
Instead, she had let him spout what she had to
was you, trying to get my attention.”
see as nonsense, and had finally, irrevocably,
“Of course it was.”
had enough.
He watched her pace for a minute or so, as
He follows her out the door and finds noth-
always impressed and just a little bit frightened
ing but the landscape of dirt and emptiness,
by the restless and feral creature before him, a
stretching out in all directions.
woman who has not only never known peace
but seems constitutionally incapable of com-
For a timeless time, he searches for her.
prehending the state. It reminds him of a beast
As promised, she and whatever home she’s
he once saw, displayed by a menagerie in a
been provided are both invisible to him. He
cage so tiny that it could barely move. Its every
can map the landscape as meticulously as his
movement was an assault on its prison, explor-
altered perceptions permit, he can devote his
ing its contours, searching for some f leeting
every waking moment to that project, but she
weakness it could exploit so it could f inally
remains invisible to him for however long she
vent its hunger for killing. “There’s still a way
desires to be.
out of here.”
He finds himself missing her. Why would he
“Is there no limit to your inanity?”
not miss her? To a man otherwise trapped in
“Maybe so, but I’m more certain of it than
solitary confinement, even the most base com-
ever. Silver’s not just a sadist. This is a scientific panion is still an improvement. And while it’s
endeavor for him. He learns nothing by just
true Thorne has been a base companion in-
tossing me into the equivalent of a prison cell
deed, at times compelled to punish him just
and discarding the key. He gains nothing if this
for breathing, her absence forces him to con-
is not an honest test.”
cede something he’s been on the edge of ac-
She stares at him, aghast, her head shaking
cepting throughout their travels together: that
slightly as she absorbs his refusal to despair.
she’s likely the closest thing to a soul mate he’ll
“He’s a liar, Draiken. He and everybody he
ever have. The poor woman understands him.
works for. They’re all liars.”
She knows what it’s been like for him, to
“When it suits them to lie. I’m not certain
spend almost all of his adult life having to sub-
that this is one of those times.”
sume himself in order to pretend to be other
“Look around you! We’re surrounded by oth-
people, to regard the faces of all others as ei-
er cottages like this one; this is the only one
ther potential enemies or potential collateral
you can see. We’re surrounded by other peo-
damage, to bury his true self so deeply that on
ple; you can only see me. The spire at the cen-
those occasions when he had to reach down
ter of Elba is just a short walk from here; you’ll
into the crypt and pull up what remained, he
never f ind it in a million years. He said that
found only decayed remains, covered with
he’d play fair; he hasn’t. What are all those
dust. She knows how lonely it is to have both
things, but lies? What’s your refusal to recog-
contempt and envy for the clueless masses
BLURRED LIVES
177
ANALOG
who live ordinary lives and never trouble
You must have been an asshole to even
themselves with the many hidden wars being
consider leaving.
fought in their name. She understands that to
He’d come as close to an unguarded smile as
spend too much time navigating trap doors
he ever did.
and deadfalls is to never trust an interval of qui-
Most days I’m inclined to agree with you.
et, or a place of seeming safety, ever again. For
Those long, lazy kicks of her lower legs con-
her, as with him, any hard right at the end of
tinued, then slowed, then finally stopped, to
any passageway is not just another turn on the
the point where for some time he came to the
way to a destination, but a blind spot where
false conclusion that she’d fallen asleep. The
enemies may be concealed, preparing a stran-
shadows of overhead leaves cast an animated
> gle-cord to wrap tight around the soft meat of
tattoo on the curve of her bare back, the mois-
her throat. She will never escape that, just as
ture of her last dip in the water glistening in
he will never escape that, not even if they both
the coin-sized circle of uninterrupted sunlight
live for another thousand years, and that’s why
striking the base of her spine.
her understanding of him is total, just as his un-
The world they were on had no birds, not as
derstanding of her occasional need to retreat
human beings understand the term, but it did
within her isolation pod is total.
have creatures in the approximate avian niche
Unable to find her, he further confesses to
who f lew and serenaded each other in song,
himself that in some ways, she’s been getting
and for some time they provided the only
better. Her humor is still black as pitch, her
sound as he sat next to her, enjoying the near-
moods just as mercurial, her revulsion for even
ness of this deadly weapon of war temporarily
any momentary expression of idealism a pain
simplified to content woman. The transforma-
in the ass, but in the last few years he’s occa-
tion, f leeting as it was, fascinated him. He
sionally found her still capable of being sur-
wondered: was this what she would have been
prised by moments of pure, unguarded joy.
all her life if the powers they sought had never
Some time ago (about two years past as he
recruited her? Was this what he would have
reckons time, but of course precise measure-
been himself ?
ments are almost impossible to anyone who’s
Then she said, Take me there.
been traveling for as long as they’ve been, in
He didn’t reply that it would feel a little like
and out of bluegel crypts), they’d found them-
betrayal of the woman he’d walked away from,
selves with fourteen days to kill on a green
on that world. Instead he said, Maybe some-
world that offered no earlier transports out.
day.
Rather than put their bodies in storage or en-
The f leeting peace went away, and the
dure the boredom of the port, they’d gone out
storm clouds returned, her brows knitting in
into the bush and found a place to camp on a
an irritation he did not quite understand. Now.
rocky ledge overlooking an amber waterfall.
We have to find them, Thorne. We have to
They’d killed the time with hiking and swim-
stop them.
ming and sunbathing and sex, with only inter-
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