Analog Science Fiction and Fact
Page 49
She shook her head a little, not much be-
mittent fury.
cause her chin still rested on her arms, but
When the interval drew to a close she’d
enough to establish that the moment was over,
stretched out naked under a sky marked by
maybe forever.
only wisps of cloud, so lazy that only her lower
We can’t stop them. We’re lucky enough just
legs remained in thrall to her usual nervous en-
to have a choice over how to live the rest of
ergy, crossed at the ankles as they flexed up-
our lives.
ward, then down to the blanket, then upward
And if I’m willing to spend the rest of my
again.
life fighting them? he asks . What then?
She rested her chin on the pillow she’d
Her next words, as it turned out the last she
made of her forearms, closed her eyes, and
would deign to speak for many hours, arrived
murmured, Was the place you hid, Greeve, as
at the heartless clinical remove commonly at-
pleasant as this?
tributed to the occasional human doctors who
He’d said, Yes.
still existed, on the worlds that still employed
Was there this little to worry about there?
human beings as doctors: the ones who would
Most of the time. Yes.
be abruptly not quite as human, when they sat
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before their patients and delivered the most
everything else here. Silver. He’s given me an
hopeless of prognoses.
advantage over you, an invisibility that kicks in
Then you’ll be the end of us.
whenever I don’t want to be found. You don’t
know how many times I’ve stood within arm’s
Since he doesn’t seem able to find her, there
length of you, whenever I found you outside,
is no further discussion between them until
and torn myself into knots over whether to
she finds him.
snap your stupid neck.”
At the moment she arrives in his doorway,
“Why haven’t you?”
he has been working out for what he supposes
“Because I’m not going to destroy the only
to be hours, taking comfort in the only means
thing I have to occupy my time.”
of telling time that remains available to him,
“Ah.” This is a motivation he understands.
the wear and tear activity has on his flesh and
Trained to crave action, he is being eaten up by
bone. It is an imperfect timepiece. He has been
a place where he needs do nothing to maintain
trained to machine-like precision, but even ma-
a now-meaningless existence. “That’s the ad-
chines operate with varying efficiency on dif-
vantage he’s given you. I wonder what advan-
ferent days, and his will break down over time
tage he’s given me.”
from causes that include neglect, lack of moti-
“That’s simple,” she says. “Aside from my
vation, injury, and age. The pain that now
own cottage, yours is the only other god-
comes after three hours of exertion will soon
damned place I have to go.”
come after two, some day after one, and
He considers this. It’s a rather stark manifes-
throughout it the empty hours and days will
tation of the f ight-or-f light dilemma. She can
continue to pass heedless of his failing ability
flee him whenever she wants, and for howev-
to measure them.
er long she wants. But she can only go so far,
He knows only that it has been some time
and once she’s gone, she has no options other
since he last saw her.
than remaining where she hides, or coming
“Hello, Thorne.”
back. “Where’s your cottage?”
“Hello, Draiken.”
“Not quite opposite yours. A little bit to the
Her hair has grown a few centimeters. She’s
left. I can see it from your door, but if you give
lost weight; there are hollows on her cheeks
me any reason to go back to hiding there, I
and dark circles under her eyes that weren’t
promise that you’ll never be able to find me.”
there when he saw her last. Her coverall shows
“Another advantage you have.”
the beginnings of wear at the knees and el-
“The bastard doesn’t want you breaking in
bows. She stands at his threshold looking de-
out of sexual frustration.”
feated, a quality alien to her that she has never
He rubs the back of his head. “I can’t say
worn in his presence before, not even on that
that we’ve ever treated each other well, but
day in the sun.
rape’s never been part of our dynamic.”
He is uncomfortably aware of how sweaty
“No,” she says, her heat rising, “but haven’t
he is, the unwashed smell he must give off af-
you f igured it out yet? Our dynamic can be
ter strenuous exercise. Because he does not
anything he wants it to be. He can make of
want her to f lee as she did the last time, he
you anything he wants, any time he wants. He
doesn’t approach, but instead retreats, taking a
could make you into the kind of man who
seat on the edge of his cot.
takes a woman by force. He could make of
She leans against the edge of the doorway,
me the kind of woman who would never
one hand cupping the elbow of the other, the
even think of fighting back. He could, I don’t
index f inger of the held arm tugging on her
know, reduce you to infancy and make me
lower lip.
the damn nanny who had to hand-feed you.
He says, “I looked for you.”
I’m not safe from you any more than you’re
That index f inger releases her lip and
safe from me.”
scratches her chin. “I know you did.”
He holds up his palms, a signal to stop. “And
“You watched me?”
if he wanted any of that he wouldn’t have set
“I watched you. For a long time.”
up this current dynamic, which gives you the
“I never saw you.”
power to lock me out.”
“That seems to have the same answer as
“He can change that at any time.”
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179
ANALOG
“Yes. He can. But there’s no purpose in argu-
small for her, living every heartbeat with the
ing about, or expending any worry over, what
terrible knowledge of the bars that separate
he may do. Right now, we’re living under these
her from her jailers. But however she survived
specific conditions, and we need to focus on
past captivities at the hands of Silver and his
them over any hypotheticals. Right now, you’re
ilk, her past resilience is now failing her. If they
here of your own volition and equipped with a
>
don’t find a way out, she’ll break or die.
place to retreat if you ever deem it necessary.
He can only repeat: “I think he lied to you,
If that ever changes, we’ll have something else
when he said the wager was over. It’s still on-
to discuss.”
going, and despite everything I still believe
She nods, and for the f irst time leaves the
that he’s playing fair. To me, that puts us back
doorway, approaching as far as the table. She
in the position of testing his conditions and not
still keeps it between him and her, a protective
taking even a single one of them for granted.”
shield, there to give her something to maneu-
Her doleful headshake begins as denial but
ver around if he erupts into violence. “He’s
ends up as resignation. “What do you have in
throwing us together, isn’t he?”
mind?”
“In a clever way. He could leave you with no
He stands. “You can start by taking me home
other place to go and render us mutual prison-
to your place.”
ers of this one cottage, but he knows what we
are and doesn’t want us so trapped together
It turns out to be much more difficult than
that we act like two rabid animals forced into
just allowing himself to be led.
the same cage. No, he wants us together of our
Ten paces from his own front door he thinks
own volition. So he’s arranged a pressure re-
he’s following her, but her grip on his wrist
lease valve, and given you full discretion over
turns painful and she has to shout, “No! Not
its use: a means of making us feel safer with
that way!” After exhausting struggle she suc-
one another.”
ceeds in dragging him back on course, but an-
She offers a wan and bitter smile. “I’ve nev-
other step later he suffers a moment of
er felt fully safe with you.”
discontinuity and finds himself marching back
“And I’ve never felt even remotely safe with
to his own cottage, while she pounds on his
you. But these are managed conditions, condi-
back trying to get him to turn around.
tions that we’ve become accustomed to. Don’t
They attempt this three times before judging
you see? He’s given us a starker version of what
it hopeless.
we’re familiar with, even down to the isolation
At her suggestion, he lowers himself to his
pod you retreated to whenever the pressures
hands and knees and allows her to tie one of
got to be too much.”
the ropes around his neck, so he can be
She winces and comes around the table, not
dragged like a recalcitrant dog on the end of its
joining him where he sits, but still giving up
leash. But not long into their outing, there’s an-
some of the distance that existed between
other moment of discontinuity and he comes
them. “My isolation pod was far more comfort-
to be curled on his side, choking, his throat on
able than my cottage.”
fire from the near-strangulation he must have
“Yes. In large part because you were able to
been willing to endure in order to head in any
leave and do something when you wanted to.”
direction other than hers.
“I still can. This is supposed to end with you
“God damn it,” she says, kneading the back
and I hopping into bed. Playing house.”
of his neck.
“Under the circumstances, I wouldn’t be
He’s rendered sufficiently off-balance by this
surprised if he offered wine and mood music.”
show of solicitousness that it almost comes as
The storm clouds return. “Little chance of
a surprise when her fingertips move to a spot
that, I think. As long as we’re stuck here, I
they both know, and press down hard.
don’t think we’ll hear music of any kind, ever
Blackness comes.
again.”
Later, he will put together his fragmentary
He’s astonished to hear her voice break a lit-
impressions and understand that he almost
tle, even if she hides it, even if he is one of the
came to a couple of times while she dragged
few listeners capable of hearing it. It tells him
him by the wrists, but each time gave her
something. She’s a wild animal in a cage too
enough groggy warning that was able to put
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him back under and go back to hauling him
He staggers to the door, and upon opening it
about like dead weight.
looks out. He can see his own cottage from
His next comprehending sight is of a bland
this vantage point. It looks tiny and sad and in
ceiling so much like the one he has grown
no way an improvement over the seemingly
used to waking to, that he thinks he’s returned
empty plain that surrounds it. The thought of
to his own cottage. But a certain primal sense
his home and hers being all they have to look
of location kicks in, and he’s able to pick out
forward to for the rest of their lives is some-
small differences, places where the texture of
how even bleaker than before.
one surface or another is not quite the same as
Thorne is correct. The improvement in their
those he’s gotten used to, and which mark a
circumstances is both negligible and illusory.
space almost but not quite identical to the one
Still, he’s unable to stop thinking aloud. “I
he’s come to learn by heart.
wonder what would happen if I went back
He rolls his eyes and finds Thorne watching
there. Is your place now permanently visible to
him cross-legged from her bed.
me? Or would it wink out of existence, if I got
He coughs. “Nice place you have here.”
even halfway back to mine? Maybe we can
“Yes,” she says, with acidic sympathy. “It
take that rope and string a permanent guide
must be a real novelty for you.”
wire between them, to lead me back and forth
The skin of his neck burns, raising the ques-
before we figure out . . .”
tion of just how close she must have come to
She says, “If you speak even one more word,
fully strangling him by his leash, before hitting
I’ll kick you out the door and do everything I
on the happy alternative of merely rendering
can to make sure you never see me again.”
him unconscious. The burning sensation in his
He comes perilously close to asking her
throat warns him that he could likely drink a
what her problem is, but sees the devastated
couple of gallons without ever feeling soothed.
look in her eyes and knows she’s not bluffing.
He needs healing more than he needs lubrica-
Rather, she’s
almost weeping.
tion. But since he can’t speed healing he lurch-
So he just returns to the chair.
es to his feet and heads for the cubicle in the
After a long oppressive silence driven by her
corner, which provides him with as much wa-
resentment and his willingness to wait her out,
ter as he can force down.
she says, “I am not an element in your god-
He returns, still a little wobbly on his feet,
damned puzzle, not a goddamned vexing de-
and lowers himself onto her chair, because at
tail in something that’s only happening to you.
the moment he doesn’t have enough energy to
I’m the other goddamned person you dragged
do anything but sit.
into this hell, when I begged you to leave well
She says, “Maybe now you can tell me what
enough alone. I’m your victim.”
that accomplished.”
The word resonates in the space between
“It tells us something we didn’t know be-
them.
fore.”
He winces. “Thorne . . .”
“What? That by extreme effort that exhausts
“I didn’t give you permission to talk yet.”
me and almost kills you I can drag you twenty
He shuts up and waits.
meters to a structure identical to the one you
After a long time spent trying to modulate
just left? How does that help?”
the words welled up inside her, she says, “I
Her negativity still frustrates him. “It proves
know I deserve this. Maybe we both deserve
that we can . . . circumvent his rules.”
this. We’ve both done things we’ve never paid
“What it proves,” she says, disdain dripping
for. Maybe it was too goddamned late for either
from every syllable, “is that the rules allow
one of us to find any peace. But of the two of
only insignificant achievements. Between the
us, I was the one who’d stopped trying to
two of us, between my knowledge and your
make sure that all the old accounts got paid. I
knowledge, your cottage and my cottage,
was the one who wanted to leave our wars be-
we’ve exhausted the known map. We’re left
hind.”
with a single line containing a Point A and a
She is silent for so long that he realizes he’s
Point B, a means of amusing ourselves by drag-
been invited to respond. “You also lived inside
ging you back and forth between them, and
an isolation pod, cut off from the rest of hu-
nothing else.”
manity. That wasn’t exactly healthy.”
BLURRED LIVES