by Sajni Patel
He furrowed his brows and glared at his plate.
“Jay. What’s going on with you?” I touched his hand.
Sweat gleamed at the edges of his brow. His nostrils flared, and his chest expanded with every deep, uneven breath.
“Jay?” I asked, my shoulders trembling.
“I’m going through a lot right now.”
“Me, too.” Like losing my job and probably landing a new one many, many miles away. Which I still had to tell him about.
“There’s another reason why I crashed here last night. It’s the anniversary of my dad’s death. I couldn’t be alone.”
“Oh, Jay…You don’t have to deal with anything by yourself. You can talk to me. You can lean on us.”
He walked around the counter to stand in front of my chair. “You have no idea what that means to me.”
I wished that I could’ve enjoyed his tender kiss instead of closing my eyes from this headache careening out of control. I rested my head against his chest. His heart pounded. He held me firmly. His muscles tensed. His breath escaped fast and hard against my skin, into my hair.
He released me and stretched his neck as I watched him from the barstool. He was a behemoth of a man. I touched his cheek, and he stilled, the pain gruesome and evident in his furrowed brow and distant stare.
“Will you come to mandir tonight?” he asked.
“That place?”
“Please? There’s a program tonight, and it’s Josh’s first outing. Shilpa was asking for you. And being at mandir helps me deal with Dad’s death.”
“Of course, Jay.” I fell back into him.
He wrapped his arms around me. For the longest time, he held me. We didn’t speak, but his heart pounded faster than ever.
Dad always said patience was a virtue I’d never had. Well, look at me now: patient as hell.
Jay ran his hand down my back and finally said, “I know you don’t like that place, and I appreciate your willingness.”
“Oh, it’s not the place itself. Just the idiots there.” I laughed but flinched.
“Do I need to carry you back to bed to sleep this off?” he asked.
“No. I should shower. I’m a gross mess.”
“Do I need to carry you to the shower?”
“Don’t be starting stuff now.”
His chest rumbled against me with laughter.
“You don’t have to leave, you know?” I said, and held him a little tighter.
“Oh, yeah?” he replied.
“Who’s going to make lunch and rub my head?”
“I’d love to, but I’ve got some things to take care of. See you tonight?”
After Jay left with a very knee-wobbling, wanna-break-the-bed kiss, I locked the door and leaned against it. Why couldn’t I tell him about Dallas? C’mon. Where were those big girl panties?
I screamed into my hand and pushed off the door. I showered and did my hair and makeup and got dressed in my best interview clothes to put myself into the right mind-set. Sunday seemed like an odd day to have a video interview, but with the Dallas company wanting to expedite the process and our hectic schedules, it ended up being the only day that worked out.
Then I sat down and waited for the call, tapping my fingernails on the counter. There was still time to text Jay or any of my friends and tell them.
Or…hear me out, brain…I could wait until an official offer came through. Why worry everyone or have to confront Jay about the mere possibility of moving?
Then the phone rang. A Dallas number lit up the screen. On the second ring, I exhaled. And answered.
By the time six rolled around and I’d pulled into the mandir parking lot, I felt halfway decent. My head hurt less, and a newfound hope bubbled through me.
Most people had filed into the grand room, and the parking lot was nearly full. I parked a bit farther away and walked across the newly paved areas, my heels clacking along the way, and reached out for the glass double doors.
Not too far from the entrance, in clear view, stood Kaajal and Jay. He had his arms crossed, standoffish, and that had me snickering. But then she not only touched his arm, but caressed it.
She had better get off him.
All I had to do was walk in there, stand beside Jay, and say hello. Facial expression, body language, and tone did the rest.
A hand slammed the door closed.
“What the—?” I jumped.
“Hello,” Mukesh said, having formed from the primordial darkness like the nasty little shadow he was.
“What?” I snapped.
“Why are you here?”
“Not here for you, so move away,” I said dryly.
“Don’t sully the temple,” he said, his words cutting through the air like sharpened knives.
“Excuse me?”
“Do you know how many hours I spend wiping everything down after you’ve been here? Afraid that your touch leaves a residual uncleanness that the gods detest, that others may touch what you’ve desecrated and have their prayers and worship denied. Many may be too nice to say anything to you, to tell you to leave before you bring ruin to this holy place, to turn you away before your disgrace burns everything.”
I replied sardonically, “Nice job at being a pious man. It’s no wonder why I hate religion. That’s something you’ll have to answer to God for.”
“Make no mistake, God is forgiving, especially for someone who tries to protect His place. However, you should be aware that there are some things that even God cannot forgive.”
“Then that explains why you try so hard to seek His forgiveness, because if God can’t forgive me, then He’s already sentenced you to burn for what you’ve done,” I hissed.
Mukesh’s smile singed into a condemning frown. “Leave this place.”
“Or what?”
“Or you and your parents will regret the moment you defied me by walking inside. Do not come between Kaajal and Jay. Do not defile him, a good boy who deserves a good girl.”
From behind the glass doors, Kaajal caught my eye through the emptiness between us that was both a small distance and a gaping one. One corner of her mouth lifted in a determined, satisfied way, as if she’d won something.
“Does he know?” Mukesh asked.
“Who doesn’t know?” I growled.
“Does he know the slander?”
“The truth, you mean?” My voice rose. “Of what you did to me?”
“Slander. If you walk through these doors again, I will make sure everyone knows of your little treacherous, lying tongue,” he said calmly, implying that he would finally tell people what had happened between us…his story, anyway. A story of a little “slutty” girl who came on to him. A story of a “pious” man who rejected the advances and kept it secret to protect my parents.
“They’ll hear the truth.” The truth that Mukesh had sexually harassed and assaulted me as child. The truth that he hid, in partnership with my father, to make the few who knew about the assault believe that I had done something to provoke him.
He barked, “What is the truth? Will they accept the dirty words from a foul girl or the story from their most respected elder? The girl who hardly attends worship and is known for her perverse lifestyle, or the man who is here every day, working, praying, associating, building?”
I gripped the door handle when he let go.
He dared me. “Go ahead. Go to him. And watch his face as he realizes the horrors and reproach that you bring when I tell him your accusations against me. Or do you think that he cares so much for you that he’ll believe you instead?”
“You know nothing.” Because I knew Jay would believe me, that he would side with me.
“Then if you believe he’ll take your side, stand up to me in front of his mother and family, and stand beside the known whore…by all means, Liya. Go to him. Interrupt my daughter. Become the center of a spectacle. Throw your parents, your poor mother, into another scandal. But what happens if he doesn’t take your side? Will you crumple a
nd die from heartache? Will your mother die from heartache? Hmm. Perhaps it is better if you go to him. I’d love to see how fast you shrivel.”
I tugged on the door, breathing fast, hot air. My jaw clenched, and he was lucky I didn’t punch him in the throat for bringing my mother into this.
Until he added, “You wouldn’t be the only one to shrivel. Your mother…women like her tend to unfold quickly.”
“What do you mean like her?” I snarled.
“Quiet, shy, submissive, concerned with what others think. Would be a shame if she couldn’t come here again, lose all of her friends. I let it pass before, when you accused me of trying to defile you. Your parents and I kept your lies between us. But now you’re disrupting my family…” He tsked.
“Threaten my mother again, jackass.”
“You can take my words because you don’t care about anything, but stop and think what it will do to her. That is, if you even care for her.”
I blinked. I could take the humiliation, the turmoil, the attention if Mukesh told everyone that I came on to him. I might’ve been able to handle Jay publicly siding against me, not that he would believe Mukesh. But my mother?
My hand fell from the door handle.
“That’s a good girl. Run along.”
“This isn’t the end,” I promised through tight teeth.
“It is tonight.”
I straightened my back. “One day…I’m going to ruin you, and I’ll enjoy watching everyone realize the truth of what a disgusting, pitiful, lying blob of walking crap you are.”
“Watch your words at mandir.”
“Watch out for your soul at mandir.” I stormed away but added over my shoulder, “Oh, and since you dragged my mother into this, I’m going to have a fun time dragging your daughter through this.”
He seethed, and I tossed him a promising smile with a hint of malice. He threatened my mother? I was going to rip through his family and leave nothing untouched by these sullied hands. Jackass thought he could manipulate me? Mandir was off limits?
I’d have to text Jay and have him meet me outside. I wanted to be there for him while he grieved, but I couldn’t risk the chance of Mukesh trying to publicly humiliate my mother. I muttered all the way to my car, yanked the door open, slipped inside, and slammed the door.
“Whoa!” a voice yelled.
I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. Someone knocked on the window. I intended to ignore him, until he leaned down and revealed his face. Instantly, every drop of anger leaked away.
Rolling down the window, I said, “Sorry!”
“Where are you going?” Jay asked.
“I’m sorry. I have to leave. Come with me. Please tell Shilpa I suck because I couldn’t go inside.”
He opened the door and crouched. “I saw you talking to Mukesh Uncle. Did he say something that upset you?”
“When does he ever not upset me?”
He growled, “What is his deal?”
“Isn’t it obvious? He thinks I’m a dirty whore and that you should marry Kaajal.”
He gripped the door. “Are you kidding me? He said that? I’m going to talk to him again. This is harassment, and I’m not having it.”
I grabbed his arm as he straightened. “Don’t bother.”
“He said something to Ma that upset her over this, and now to you?”
“He talked to your mother?” Horror engulfed me, but she already knew the worst about me, didn’t she? She must’ve heard the gossip.
“She dismissed him,” he added. “She takes you for how you treat us, not for what others say. And then I put him in his place, but apparently that didn’t get through to him. I’m sorry, babe.”
“Did you just call me ‘babe’?” I twisted my mouth.
“Yeah.”
“Oh. Okay.” I smiled.
“Guess who’s watching?” He pulled me out of the car and hugged me in full view of Mukesh and Kaajal.
I laughed, taking in his scent and feeling the strength of his body.
“Do you have any last gestures for them?”
“Am I allowed to? In such a holy place?” I teased, watching them scowl and mutter.
“It’s just a parking lot.”
I kissed his neck and tossed Mukesh the middle finger as Jay swung me around and settled me back inside the car. “Let’s get out of here.”
“What about being at mandir to help you cope with your grieving?” I asked.
“No chance that’s happening right now. Besides, my family isn’t even here. Shilpa was too tired to leave the house, so the whole family stayed home to help her and the baby.”
“Where do you want to go?”
“Your place?”
“Sounds perfect.”
He closed my door and gave a wave to Mukesh and Kaajal as he jogged to his car and followed me home. That was almost as satisfying as an orgasm.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Jay
Giving Mukesh Uncle a clear message was a lot of fun, but the solemn ride to Liya’s wasn’t. My heart sagged with all the emotions that gathered and overflowed at this time of year. Mandir helped to lift some of the burden. I wasn’t religious, but it made me feel closer to Dad on the anniversary of his death.
Jahn and Ma had Shilpa and Josh to ease any suffering. I had them, too, but my pain couldn’t level out around them right now. All I thought of was how Dad would’ve loved seeing his first grandchild, holding him, spoiling him from day one, and showing him off to everyone he saw. He should’ve been here to complete the picture.
I undid the top button of my shirt in Liya’s parking lot and tried to calm my ragged breathing. A happy family didn’t draw me out of this depression. A bottle of bourbon wasn’t going to help. I was in dire need of something bigger, better, all-consuming.
Liya waited for me at the top floor of her complex, looking beautiful in her brightly colored outfit. Her hair was back in a loose bun and chandelier earrings twinkled against her neck.
“So?” She tossed her keys from one hand to the other in front of her door. “Seems like we end up at my place a lot these days.”
She lowered her hands; the smile faded from her lips as I came into clear view beneath the glow of the overhead lights. Perhaps I looked as wrecked as I felt. Could she see the bags under my eyes? The paleness of my skin?
“Jay?” Panic crossed her features as I clenched my jaw.
“Can I stay the night?” The question came out haggard, lifeless.
She touched my cheek, dragged her hand over my shoulder and down my arm before grasping my hand and leading me inside. She locked the door behind us as we took off our shoes. On her tiptoes, she weaved her fingers through the hair at the nape of my neck and kissed me.
A soft kiss, yet completely devouring. Everything else slipped away. Liya was intoxicating, addictive, and she drank away my sorrows in the sweetest ways. My hands wrapped around her waist and pulled her into me. Who cared if she misunderstood my request? Maybe we were ready for this.
I lifted her onto my hips, wrapping her legs around me, and pushed her against the wall. A delicate moan left her. I kissed her neck, nipped and licked as she rolled into me.
“How do you take these things off?” I asked, biting the collar of her salwar kameez.
She pulled back and asked softly, “Jay? Do you need to talk?”
My breath crashed past my lips, close to heaving. “Why not ask instead if we can take this to your bed?”
“As much as I would love to have you all over me, something is bothering you. Is this about your dad? Or is it Mukesh?”
“Don’t mention his name,” I groaned and lowered her.
She took my hand and led me to the couch. Pulling down the throw blanket and covering us, she snuggled against my side, and I held her in silence for a long time.
My chest constricted every time she tapped a finger against mine in a random pattern, back and forth. Sweat tickled on my brow, but I didn’t budge to wipe it away. It skitte
red down my cheek. I twitched.
I tried my best not to clench my fists or tense or scream or just lose my crap. So I closed my eyes and tilted my head back and let the silence linger.
“I’ll wait as long you need me to,” she whispered and kissed the back of my hand.
Looking down at her dark, soft waves, consumed by her flowery scent and vibrant fight-for-life attitude, things had never been clearer. She was the one. And she would be the first woman I ever told my story to.
“Twenty years ago today, my dad died.”
She peered up at me. “I’m sorry, Jay. Were you very close to him?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to talk about what happened?”
I told her the story of how my childish decisions had led to the fire and added bitterly, “God. Why did I try to cook that day? We weren’t supposed to use the stove without someone there. And then instead of listening to him and running out, I ran back to him like some stupid little kid. And that’s what ended him. He was too busy trying to make me run that he couldn’t pull himself out.”
Liya hugged me and quietly said, “Jay, you were being brave trying to help him.”
“But I didn’t help him,” I snarled. “I distracted him. If I’d ran like he ordered us to, then he would have had enough focus to pull himself out and get away.”
She pulled back to look at me. “You can’t blame yourself.”
“I caused the fire. I was the reason Dad ran into a burning building. I was the reason why he got caught inside and couldn’t focus long enough to get out. You can’t say that it wasn’t my fault.”
She blinked, and her eyes glistened with tears. “You were a child,” she said in a soft voice. “You can’t keep blaming yourself. Does your family hate you, knowing the truth?”
“No.”
“Then don’t hate yourself.”
“Easy to say, isn’t it? Hating myself feels right. Believing that I don’t deserve a happy ending when Dad didn’t even get the rest of his life feels right.”
She sat up.
“I’m sorry.”
Liya rubbed my shoulder. “It’s okay. You can vent with me. Whatever you need, I can give it to you.”