“Wrong,” Jenn said, matter-of-factly, not even bothering to look up from her French fry.
“What do you mean ‘wrong’?” I retorted.
“I mean…I saw Corbin on Tuesday,” she revealed without even looking up from her sandwich. She took a bite as if the conversation wasn’t even worth her attention.
“Where at?” I asked, humoring her. So she saw him out somewhere. Maybe he had run for more paint brushes or something. Big deal.
“I saw him at the diner,” Jenn asserted, hesitating to gauge my response, looking up from her tray with somewhat of a smirk.
“Okay…” I stammered, still not seeing the big deal.
“I saw him at the diner…with Bridget Hodges,” Jenn said, wincing a bit on the statement as though she could feel my pain.
“Shut up,” I spewed at her, ready to pounce across the table.
“Well, believe me, don’t believe me, I don’t care. You’ll be the idiot when everyone else finds out,” she revealed, continuing to stuff her face with food. She shrugged her shoulders and pursed her lips, staring off into the distance like she hadn’t just dropped a bombshell on me.
I felt my stomach drop with a whoosh and tears start to sting my eyes. As a knee-jerk reaction, though, I tried to dismiss the accusation as false. Bridget Hodges lived down the street from us. Although she was a nice girl, we had never been close. I had never even seen Corbin talk to her.
I finally gave in to Jenn and asked, “What time?” as though more details would help me disprove the theory.
“Five o’clock. My family and I were eating there. They stayed for an hour or so, and then they drove off in his truck. I’m sorry, Emma, I didn’t want to tell you. But I thought you should know the truth,” Jenn assured, seemingly genuine remorse filling her face. Katie and Hannah’s mouths fell open as though they were shocked, too. I guessed it was the first time they were hearing all of this.
Tears threatened to stream down my face. I squinted hard, trying to hold them in. Surely there was a mistake. Corbin, lying to me? Out with another girl? Things had been great, beyond great lately. He had even picked me flowers on Monday. This had to be a mistake. But why would Jenn lie? She had a boyfriend, and she barely ever spoke two words to Corbin. It wasn’t like she wanted him for herself.
“Are you sure it was him?” I implored, convincing myself mentally that she had made a mistake.
“I’m positive,” Jenn added. “I had a perfect view of him.”
“Did they see you?”
“No, I don’t think so. They didn’t seem to notice me,” she reported. “Look, Emma, I’m sorry. I mean, maybe there’s an explanation,” she included, trying to reassure me.
“Yeah, I’m sure there’s an explanation,” Katie declared hurriedly. She reached over and put her hand on mine. “Emma, it’s going to be fine. I’m sure of it.”
“Yeah, and besides, if he’s a cheating asshole, you’d rather find out sooner than later, right?” Hannah observed with nonchalance.
“Hannah!” Katie scolded, shaking her head.
I couldn’t hold it back anymore. Tears rolled down my face. “I’ll talk to you guys later,” I managed to whimper over my shoulder as I gathered my books and headed toward the bathroom, not even bothering to throw out my trash.
“Emma!” Katie yelled to me.
“Give her space,” Jenn said to Katie and Hannah.
I didn’t hear the rest. I rushed to the bathroom, swiping at my tears and trying not to fall apart. Once there, I locked myself in a stall and tried to pull it together. How could he do this to me? Bridget Jones was undeniably pretty, her golden-blonde hair bouncing in beautiful curls around her face. She was on the girls’ basketball team and was perfectly fit. But still, how could he do this to me? Things had been perfect between us, especially lately. I wanted to dismiss it as a lie, keep going as if I hadn’t heard this. I didn’t want to break the connection we had. I didn’t want to lose the easy days of laughter. But how could I just ignore what I’d learned?
Sure, maybe Katie and Jenn were right, maybe there was an explanation. But what could possibly explain this away? What could possibly justify Corbin lying to me and going out to dinner with another girl alone? I thought about the possibility that Jenn was lying, but she had no motive. Sure, we hadn’t been exactly close lately, but I still considered her a friend. It’s not like she wanted Corbin herself. She and Robert had been going together for the past four months, and from the looks of it, they were doing great. I had to face the facts. Things between Corbin and I weren’t what they seemed.
I emerged from the stall and peeked in the mirror. I was a wreck. I grabbed a paper towel and wiped off my tears and running mascara. I still looked awful. “Pull it together,” I said aloud to myself. Great, now I was going crazy, talking to myself. I took a few minutes to calm down. I would push this out of my mind until later. I had to get through the day. After all, I couldn’t skip my afternoon classes. My schoolwork was all I had left now. This thought threatened to send burning tears down my face, but I resolved to tough it out. After a few minutes of calming down, I walked out of the bathroom. The bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. Thank God, I thought. At least I wouldn’t have to face the girls again. It was humiliating.
I attended my last three classes of the day, focusing hard on cells and Hemmingway and volleyball. On the bus ride home, I thought about how I would handle the situation. Clearly, today wasn’t going to be a great day to confront him about it. Although he deserved no kindness on my part, I thought it best to wait until he was at least feeling better. Yet, I couldn’t face him without bringing it up. So I decided to do something I hadn’t done in the years that we had been together—I went an entire day without speaking to Corbin Jones.
On Saturday, he called the house. My mother handed me the phone.
“Hey, Emma. What happened to you yesterday? I missed you!” he proclaimed, sounding as if he truly meant it. I almost gagged at the prospect. He still sounded nasally from his cold.
“Um, I was just busy. Homework, football game, you know the drill,” I sneered, faking nonchalance. It was hard.
“Oh…well, I’m feeling better today. What do you want to do?”
I hesitated. This was going to be painful. But I had to do it. I couldn’t keep going on like this. “Oh, well, we can do whatever you want. As long as you don’t have other plans,” I snarled, hinting at what was to come.
He densely paused for a minute. “Why would I have other plans?”
“You tell me,” I demanded, huffiness filling my voice.
“Okay…” he said, confusion underlying his voice. “Well, anyway, why don’t we go to our tree and have a picnic? It’s going to be getting cold soon, so we might as well enjoy what nice weather we have left. I’m not feeling great, but I’m a little better and I still want to see you. I’ll pick you up in fifteen?” he said, ignoring my coldness. He probably attributed it to school stress or moodiness.
“Okay. See you then,” I added with coolness. I hung up. I said goodbye to my mom and headed to my front porch to wait for him.
He was there, right on time. He kissed my cheek and grabbed my hand, pulling me in for a hug. I tensed against him.
“Hey, I missed you!” he declared. I didn’t reply.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “I’m not contagious anymore…” he added jokingly, but I did not smile.
“We’ll talk about it when we get to the tree,” I mumbled, pulling away from him and looking at the ground. I started walking in the direction of the park.
We walked in a tension-filled silence, something that never happened between us. I guessed that Corbin sensed what was up. I wondered if he knew that I knew.
We got to the tree, and I turned to him. Pain again panged in my stomach, threatening to overturn my calmness. I had promised myself that I would preserve my dignity and be strong. I wouldn’t cry. Now, I wasn’t so sure if I could fake the strength.
“I know about Bri
dget,” I professed, jumping right to the punch. I couldn’t bear to prolong this.
Corbin crinkled his eyebrows, looking at me in confusion. “What…what are you talking about?” he inquired, reaching for me. I pulled back, not letting him touch me. I didn’t want my emotions to usurp my rationale.
“I know about last Tuesday. Jenn saw you. Game’s over,” I stoically snapped.
“Emma, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said reservedly. Befuddlement careened with his expression, almost convincing me that he was truly confused. He was a good actor.
“You at least could be honest with me now. I know the truth. Stop lying,” I rambled, verging on the edge of hysteria. Anger overthrew my calmness. “I thought what we had was real. And now I find out it was a lie. How long’s it been going on, Corbin? How long have you been going out with her?”
“Emma, slow down. I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Corbin inched closer to me. I looked him square in the eye.
“Last Tuesday, when you said we couldn’t hang out because you were painting the bathroom. Yeah, well, apparently not. Jenn saw you with Bridget,” I yelled.
“Emma, I did paint the bathroom. I don’t know what you or Jenn are talking about. You can ask my dad,” he said calmly, still perplexed.
“It figures. You can’t even tell me the truth now. You’re a coward. You’re a bastard. You’re worse than a bastard. Leading me on all these years. Years. Wasted. With you. I thought we had something special. Here, I’ve been thinking about weddings and houses and kids, and you’re off with Bridget. And that’s fine, if I’m not what you want,” I screamed. Corbin stood perfectly silent and still, letting me finish my monologue. It hurt, but it felt good to get it off my chest. “But you could at least be man enough to tell me instead of sneaking around behind my back. God, I’m an idiot.”
“Emma, listen to me. I swear to you, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I painted the bathroom last Tuesday with my dad, just like I told you. I never even speak to Bridget, let alone go out to dinner with her. You’re the one I love, the only one. You know that,” he demanded, walking toward me with a wistful, pleading look in his eye. Those doughy eyes and familiar hands seemed to welcome me back to him, enticing me to forget everything and bury myself in him. But I couldn’t. I had committed to the story. I had committed to believing it. I couldn’t back out now. I had to be strong and face the facts. I couldn’t give in to his charm. The truth of the situation hit me like a bus skidding into the back of a minivan. Tears started flowing down my cheeks despite my best effort to restrain them.
“I just don’t understand why,” I pleaded, looking into his eyes again. I maintained a bit of distance between us.
“Emma, what can I say to make you believe me? I love you,” Corbin offered, a hint of pleading permeating his words. I paused, contemplating his words.
“But why would Jenn lie?” I asked, hoping he could come up with a satisfactory answer that could put this whole thing behind us. He couldn’t.
“I don’t know, Emma,” he said, walking closer. He put his hands on my shoulders and locked eyes with me. I felt my stomach plummet even further, feeling what I was truly losing, what I had lost.
“All I know,” he vowed, “is that I love you. I would never cheat on you. I don’t want anyone but you,” he said. I stood for a moment, tears still gushing down my face while looking into his eyes and seeing all that I was, all that I wanted, right there. And yet, something had changed. Something had come between us, floating in the small gap.
It was doubt.
“I don’t know,” I squeaked, a newfound sense of sorrow surfacing. “I don’t know what to believe,” I admitted. Corbin fixated on me with hurt in his eyes. He clenched his jaw, demonstrating how truly upset he was now becoming.
“You don’t know what to believe? After all this time?” A hint of anger now boiled over in his tone. This only served to reignite the flame within me. “Emma, I can understand you questioning me about it. But for you to truly believe that I would do that to you? Do you not understand how much you mean to me? Has all of this time meant nothing to you? All of our memories, all of the things I’ve done for you? ”
“Whoa, hold on,” I bitterly protested, backing up from his grasp. “You mean to tell me that you’re getting pissed at me? I’m not the one who was seen out with someone else,” I said, raw emotion flooding my face.
“Like I said,” he emphasized, “I have no freaking idea what you’re talking about. If you choose to believe that shit, then maybe we don’t have anything real between us. If, after all the time we’ve been together, you’ll believe some lying, jealous girl who you barely talk to anymore, well then, I guess that says a hell of a lot about us, doesn’t it?” Corbin’s eyes were no longer inviting or warm. They were menacing and angry, rage flooding every part of him. I was shocked at his outburst. More than that, I was hurt. I hadn’t seen him this angry…ever. I hated it.
“Why would she lie?”
“How the hell do I know? But why would I lie? If your theory is right and I’m into Bridget, why would I lie to you and keep this going? What purpose would that serve? Use your head.”
I hated to admit it, but it seemed rational. Yet, the stubbornness that resonated in my blood refused to give in. Now, it was almost a matter of principle. His snappy attitude, no matter how righteous it was, had pushed me to the edge. Anger flooded my whole being, forbidding me from seeing his point of view. The bridge between us had been temporarily blocked off, preventing me from reaching out to him.
“I’m sick of your attitude. I’m sick of dealing with this. I’m done,” I roared over my shoulder as I stormed off.
“Don’t walk away from me,” he threatened. “You’ll regret it.”
I stopped in my tracks, turning back to him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that if you walk away from me, then you’re walking away from us. Period.”
The coldness in his voice scared me enough to make me pause and think about what I was doing. However, it also made me even more upset with him. If I meant so much to him, how could he make threats like that? A part of me wanted to believe that he wouldn’t let me walk away, that he would come after me. So the masochistic piece of me forced me to take that step, away from Corbin.
“Fine, then,” he spit, storming off in the other direction. My anger drove my footsteps into the dirt hard and fast. As I felt the distance between us widen, however, my steps slowed. They became more dutiful, more sluggish. Would I regret this in the morning? Was it over? Was the story true? My mind was muddled with endless questions and possibilities but not a single answer. I carefully strode up to the house, brushing through the door and to my room. Thankfully, my parents had left to run some errands or something, which left me to brood in peace. The last thing I needed was a pep talk, or, worse yet, an empathy talk from my mother. The day passed with uncharacteristic slowness, the clock’s loud ticking reminding me of how dull my life was without Corbin. A part of me expected him to show up at the door or call. Conversely, the entire day passed and I did not hear from Corbin.
I didn’t hear from him the next day, either. Or even the next week. Several times, I had picked up the phone to call him, but I gently slammed the receiver down before I could hit the last digit. I just couldn’t do it. A large part of me had reconciled the story Jenn had told me as false. In my heart, I knew Corbin wouldn’t do something like that. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to say those two words—I’m sorry. The week passed on in agony. I would see Corbin from a distance in the hallways at school. He would look at me but didn’t come by to say hi. He simply walked on without even acknowledging my presence. This was perhaps what hurt the most.
At lunch, I opted to sit at a table by myself instead of with the girls. I couldn’t bear to deal with their pity or, worse, their questions. I didn’t want to hear any more about the story or their ideas. So my textbooks, as usual, substituted for companionship. I cou
ldn’t help but rejoice when I saw Corbin also sitting alone at a table across the cafeteria. Still, he didn’t give in and come over to me. It was murderous being so close to him and yet so far away. He didn’t seem happy about it either, though. At least he missed me, even if he wouldn’t admit it.
Things went on like this for the longest two weeks of my life. Stubborn to the core, neither of us would give in and apologize. I was frightened by how meaningless everything seemed without Corbin. My school days were filled with academics. At night, I moped in my room, going to bed at eight p.m. just to avoid empty time. Weekends were worse. Without our ritualistic visits to our favorite spots, my life was void of happiness and fun. My mom tried to cheer me up by taking me shopping and out to lunch, but it was no use. In fact, it just exacerbated the situation. Although I didn’t tell her many details, my mother seemed convinced that I should apologize for the fight. She seemed assured that Corbin couldn’t have done anything wrong. So much for family loyalty.
Just like the dilemma flew in on a Friday, it was also lifted on a Friday two weeks later. I was sitting at my table, alone of course, when he walked up, a chicken patty on his tray and a bashful look on his face.
“Hey,” he offered weakly. “Is this seat taken?”
“I suppose not,” I added coldly. The formality of the exchange seemed so awkward.
He sat down and for a moment, we just stared at each other. He finally spoke.
“Look, Emma, I’m sorry for the things I said. This is so ridiculous. I miss you so much,” he confessed calmly.
With these words, the tension dissipated and the words came flooding out.
“I’ve missed you, too. And I’m the one who’s sorry. I know you didn’t do it.”
With that he walked around the table to sit beside me. He put his arms around me. Despite the rules and hovering teachers, I relented to his touch.
“I know I shouldn’t have gotten so mad. It’s just, it hurt when I realized you didn’t trust me,” he apologized.
Voice of Innocence: A Coming-Of-Age Sweet Romance Page 12