She sniffs, despite herself, and gives me a small smile. ‘I just haven’t allowed myself to even think it, not for one moment,’ she confesses almost guiltily. ‘I’ve got to be capable. I’ve got to be the one who takes care of everything and everyone.’
‘You don’t have to be,’ I say firmly but softly. ‘No one expects you to be.’
‘Yes, they do. You do, Mum and Dad do, work does, everyone does.’ She adopts a different voice. ‘Ask Kate. Leave it to Kate. You can rely on Kate.’ She lets out a heavy sigh.
‘True, we do,’ I say, feeling guilty, ‘and it’s not fair. We shouldn’t rely on you like that, but it’s also up to you,’ I add. ‘You’ve got to tell us. You’ve got to stop taking so much on.’
‘But if I don’t, everything will fall apart.’
‘You don’t know that,’ I argue.
‘Yes, I do,’ she replies obstinately.
‘OK, so let it. Let it fall apart.’
Kate looks at me agog.
‘Seriously, Kate. So what if it does? It’s not life or death.’ As soon as the words leave my mouth, I want to stuff them back in again. ‘Oh God, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that, me and my big mouth—’
She cuts me off with a firm shake of her head. ‘No, you’re right,’ she says, her pale grey eyes meeting mine. ‘It’s not life or death. None of it really matters. Not trying to make some stupid partnership, or training for a silly marathon, or whether to choose the grey penny tile or the white subway for the kitchen . . .’ She trails off, and shakes her head as if in disbelief.
‘Bollocks, Luce,’ she curses, more to herself than to me. ‘I’ve been so incredibly stupid. And blind. This whole time I’ve been thinking that all these other things were important, anxious about everything, worried about achieving stuff, and it’s just meaningless crap without Jeff. He’s what’s important. Without him nothing matters. Without him I don’t have anything.’ She looks at me and now her eyes are glistening and her face is blotchy.
‘All my life I’ve never failed at anything. I’ve been a straight-A student. I put in the hard work and the long hours and I get results, pass tests, run marathons and win promotions. It’s simple. Easy almost. It makes sense. But this doesn’t work like that. It’s so random. There’s no rhyme or reason to cancer, and it doesn’t matter how hard I try, or what I do, I can’t fix this. I’m completely helpless.’ She shakes her head. ‘For the first time in my life I don’t know what to do.’
I’ve never seen Kate look so lost and frightened and I feel a clutch of anxiety. As long as I can remember she’s always been this strong, capable sister. I’ve never seen her afraid and not in control, and until this moment I never realised how much I’ve taken that for granted. She’s always been the one looking after me, and there’s an unconscious security knowing that I’m the one who can get into scrapes and messes, and be frightened and upset, and despite everything she’s always there to pick me up, dust me off and sort things out. Even if it is with a frown and an impatient sigh.
I suddenly realise how much I’ve resented her for that. For her life seeming perfect and always in control. Things never go wrong for Kate. Everything has always gone right. She’s never failed at anything and always got what she wanted, be it the good hair or the exam grades. I feel like such a mess next to her. Her life seemed so sorted. Her emotions were in check. I don’t think she’s ever even been heartbroken. She met Jeff, they got married, and they have lived happily ever after. It’s all seemed so easy for Kate.
Now I realise it’s not easy; it’s never been easy. She’s just felt she had to be strong, to be there for me, and for all my life she has been. Now, though, it’s my turn to be strong for her. I have to be there for her.
Putting my arm round Kate, I give her a hug, and for the first time she doesn’t stiffen and pull away.
And I’m going to be.
For a few moments we remain like that, in the late afternoon sunshine, not saying anything, before finally going back inside to wait. After a while Dr Coleman comes to tell us that Jeff’s out of surgery, the operation was straightforward, and they’re going to keep him in overnight because of the effects of the anaesthetic.
‘In the meantime I suggest you go home and get some rest, young lady,’ he says to Kate, with a firm nod of his head. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’
He turns as if to leave, but she stops him. ‘When will we know if you got it all?’
‘We should get the results back from pathology in the next couple of days.’
‘So you’ll be able to determine the type and stage of cancer?’
He seems momentarily taken aback by her forthrightness, but this is the trained medic coming out in Kate, not the frightened wife.
‘Yes.’ He nods. ‘And what further treatment, if any, will be needed.’
‘Do you think he’s going to be OK?’
But the frightened wife is here. Underneath her files and her candidness, she’s right here and her hope is almost palpable.
Dr Coleman pauses. He must have been asked that question a million times. ‘Let’s just stay positive, shall we?’ He lays his hand on her shoulder, then leaves.
I offer to go home with Kate and this time she doesn’t argue or protest, just mutely nods her head and lets me take control as I find us a cab and give directions. Once inside the apartment I run her a hot bath, make her a cup of tea, then change it for something a lot stronger. Whose stupid idea was it to make tea at times like this anyway?
Wordlessly she does as she’s told. The old capable Kate would have made some comment about the teabags I accidentally leave in the sink, or the choice of towel I find for her in the airing cupboard, or the dirt from my shoes, which I forget to take off and trample across her rug.
The old Kate has been replaced by a girl with a helpless expression, who with clean, damp hair and pyjamas looks about ten years old, and who sits dutifully on the sofa nursing her whisky.
After a while she looks up. ‘I think I’ll go to bed now, Luce. I’m pretty tired.’
I nod. ‘I’ll come too.’
‘Oh, no, you don’t have to. I’ll be fine on my own . . .’ she replies automatically, then trails off, as if realising that actually, no, she’s not all right.
‘It’ll be like when we were little,’ I cajole. ‘Remember how we used to share a bed sometimes?’
‘So we could share secrets under the eiderdown with a torch.’ She smiles.
‘You used to kick me out in the middle of the night.’ I grin. ‘I used to have to creep back into my own bed and it was freezing.’
‘God, I was a horrible big sister, wasn’t I?’
She turns to me sheepishly and I laugh. ‘Trust me, I was a pretty annoying little sister.’
We go into her and Jeff’s bedroom. It’s the polar opposite of mine. Uncluttered and painted a soft beige, it’s all perfect linens and plumped-up pillows.
‘All we need now is a torch,’ I whisper, snuggling under the duvet.
‘And some secrets,’ she whispers back. Turning her face, she looks at me, her eyes searching out mine in the darkness. ‘Want to hear one?’
I nod, as if to say, Go on.
‘That life can change in the blink of an eye. All you have is right now. So don’t ever put off telling someone how you feel about them, don’t assume that they know, because they might not and it might be too late.’
I can tell she’s talking about herself, about Jeff, but it resonates with me.
‘I love you, Kate.’
‘I love you too, Luce.’
She turns over and I spoon her, just like I used to, and as her breathing grows heavier and she falls asleep, I lie awake and think about her secret. I think about it for a long, long time.
Chapter Thirty-Five
‘You have to help me. I need to speak to Adam.’
It’s the next morning, and having dropped Kate off at the hospital to collect Jeff, I’ve rushed over to see Robyn at Tao Healing Arts, where she works
.
‘What? Who’s Adam?’ she hisses, all flustered.
And well she might be. I’ve just burst into her therapy room, where she was in the middle of sticking needles into a half-naked man. I don’t know who was the most surprised, me, Robyn or the naked man, who suddenly got a needle somewhere he didn’t expect.
‘The guy from the gallery, the one who came to get me from the police station.’
Robyn stops indignantly waving around her braceleted arms, and two spots of colour appear on her cheeks. She’s still feeling guilty about nearly getting me arrested.
‘We went on a date and it went horribly wrong . . .Well, not the date. The date was perfect. Anyway, now there’s been an awful misunderstanding because of Nate—’
‘Nate?’ Her ears prick up.
‘Oh, I didn’t tell you, did I? He was in the Vineyard. We slept together—’
‘Slept together?’ She looks aghast.
‘Well, yes, strictly speaking, but not really, and Adam got the wrong idea, and we had this big row, and he won’t answer any of my calls or emails, and, well, I saw my sister at the hospital—’
‘Hospital?’
Robyn is uncharacteristically lost for words and has been reduced to an echo.
‘And she told me that I must never wait to tell someone how I really feel, because I might never get the chance, and I want to tell Adam how I really feel.’ I stop abruptly, gasping.
‘Wow,’ comes a voice from behind us. ‘That’s intense.’
We both glance over to see the man covered in needles. Lying flat out on the bed in his boxers, he’s staring at us agog.
‘Sorry, won’t be a moment.’ Apologising hastily, Robyn quickly pulls the door closed behind her, then turns to me. ‘Lucy, why didn’t you tell me any of this?’ Folding her arms, she gives me her sternest look.
‘Well, you’ve had a lot going on. We both have.’ I sigh and look at my feet.
Robyn’s face turns from impatience to guilt to sympathy and finally to determination. ‘Listen, I’ll do anything to help, you know I will, but what can I do? I mean, the last time I tried to help it didn’t turn out so well,’ she says in reference to the spell.
I look at her, my chest heaving, my mind whirring. ‘That’s just it – I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. He won’t speak to me. He won’t return my emails.’
We both look at each other for a moment completely at a loss.
‘If only I could see how to make this right . . .’ I murmur, trailing off.
‘I know,’ nods Robyn sympathetically. ‘It’s at times like these I always wish I had a crystal ball.’
‘That’s it!’ I exclaim, suddenly hit with an idea. ‘What about your psychic?’
Robyn looks doubtful. ‘You don’t believe in psychics.’
‘But you said she can communicate with spirit guides and that she has an amazing gift,’ I say pointedly. ‘In which case she can tell me what to do.’
OK, so I’m clutching at straws, but I’m desperate.
‘I’m just not sure it’s a good idea,’ says Robyn with a worried expression. ‘I know – what about some cupping?’
‘Cupping?’ I exclaim.
‘Or some tinctures?’ she continues brightly. ‘The effects can be amazing.’
‘You’re not going to fob me off with some old herbs,’ I say determinedly. ‘Remember I found Harold for you.’
‘But that’s blackmail,’ she gasps.
‘I know,’ I reply unapologetically.
Tucking a loose curl behind her ear, she studies me, as if thinking hard about a lot of stuff, then asks softly, ‘You really like this guy, huh?’
‘Yeah,’ I reply quietly. ‘I really like this guy.’
Satisfied, she gives a little nod of her head. ‘Let me get a pen.’
I spend the rest of the day in a pent-up state of nervous anticipation about what Wakanda is going to tell me. Normally I’d need an appointment, but apparently in emergencies she’ll squeeze people in, so the plan is to go there after work and beg her to give me an audience, or whatever it is psychics do. Robyn doesn’t have her phone number, just her address, which she gives me, along with a lecture about how I have to keep my mind open and not be alarmed when she starts channelling and speaking in ‘voices’.
‘Voices?’ I’d asked curiously. ‘What kind of voices?’
‘Just voices,’ Robyn had replied casually. ‘You know, different spirit guides.’
Actually, no, I don’t know, but I’m prepared to leave my disbelief and cynicism at the door and find out. At this point I’ll try anything, and if it means crossing some woman’s palm with silver, then sod it, I’ll do it.
‘So which way is it?’
Having left the subway, I’m standing on the street corner. Despite detailed directions, including a printout from MapQuest, I’m utterly lost and on the phone to Robyn.
‘Just walk east,’ she’s trying to explain.
‘East? Which way’s east?’ I say in frustration. ‘And don’t say opposite to west.’
I twiddle my pop-up map around, and around again, then give up and start walking, my phone still wedged in the crook of my neck.
‘Did you figure it out?’ she asks after a moment.
‘Sort of,’ I fib, crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.
‘There’s a Laundromat at the end of the street, and then next door is this shoe shop with a funny sort of purple awning.’
‘Oh, I see it!’ Spotting the purple awning, I speed up.
‘Number forty-three,’ Robyn is saying in the background. ‘It’s got a silver sign.’
‘Yes, nearly there.’ Anticipation is buzzing. If you’d have told me a few months ago that I’d be going to see a psychic, I would never have believed it. But then there are a lot of things I would never have believed a few months ago, I tell myself, ignoring my ankle, which is still dodgy from my accident at the gym and is twinging in protest.
Slightly breathless from rushing, I finally reach a small shop with a glass window, across which are painted lots of stars and a sign: ‘Psychic Readings.’
I feel a beat of triumph. ‘Yup, found it!’ I’m actually quite excited.
‘Great!’ she enthuses.
‘Only it doesn’t look open,’ I say, trying the door and, finding it’s locked, feel a wave of disappointment.
‘Wakanda’s probably just giving a reading,’ she quickly reassures. ‘Ring the buzzer.’
‘OK.’ I go to ring the buzzer, then pause as I notice a piece of paper pinned in the window. ‘Wait a minute, there’s a sign.’
‘A sign?’ Robyn sounds surprised. ‘What does it say?’
I peer closer.
‘Well?’ persists Robyn.
‘“Closed due to unforeseen circumstances.”’
There’s silence at the other end of the line.
‘Well, some bloody psychic she was!’ I tut loudly.
‘Are you sure you’re at the right place?’ Robyn sounds bewildered.
‘Positive. Number forty-three. Next to the shoe shop with the purple awning,’ I repeat her directions back to her.
‘I just can’t understand it,’ Robyn is murmuring to herself. ‘There must be some mistake.’
‘The only mistake is me coming here,’ I reply, feeling suddenly foolish. Turning on my heel, I start heading back down the street towards the subway. ‘You were right – it was a bad idea. I don’t know what I was thinking.’
‘You were thinking about Adam,’ replies Robyn helpfully.
At the mention of his name I feel a tug inside. ‘Well, I should probably give up thinking about him,’ I say resignedly. ‘He probably hates me anyway.’
‘Bullshit!’ protests Robyn.
I hold my phone away from my ear and look at it in astonishment. ‘Did you just say “bullshit”?’ I ask, putting it back to my ear. In this whole time I’ve never known Robyn to swear.
‘Well, yes, I did,’ she says, sounding embarrassed. �
�And it is. Because he doesn’t. And you mustn’t give up.’
I smile gratefully. ‘Thanks. I know you’re trying to be sweet and everything, but I think I’ve lost him,’ I say sadly.
‘OK, well, in that case what would you do if you lost something else?’ she replies, refusing to let my negativity dampen her unwavering positivity. ‘Say your keys, like I did the other day.’
‘Um . . .’ Thrown off on this tangent, I have to think for a moment. ‘Retrace my steps, I suppose.’
‘Right, so let’s retrace yours and Adam’s,’ she says briskly. ‘When did you last see him?’
‘It was after our date, when we had our row.’
‘And why did you row?’
‘Because Nate burst in and Adam got the wrong idea.’
‘Nate. Exactly,’ says Robyn. ‘He’s the cause of all this. So, first things first, you need to break the bond you have with Nate once and for all.’
‘Tell me something I don’t know,’ I sigh. Only that day I’d received another missed call from him, and I’ve had to completely give up watching TV. Every time I turn it on it’s Big Bucks.
‘Seriously, Lucy, otherwise this will never get resolved and you might as well give up now.’ She gives a little snort. ‘It’s like with Chinese medicine. You don’t try to treat the symptom – you need to fix the cause: you and Nate.’
Walking along the street listening, I have to admit that for someone who believes in angels, she does talk a lot of sense sometimes.
‘You need closure,’ she says determinedly.
‘And how do you propose I do that?’ I sigh dejectedly. ‘The Strategy didn’t work. Nothing worked.’
‘True,’ she agrees reluctantly. There’s a pause and I can hear the TV blaring away.
‘What are you watching?’ I ask absently.
‘CSI. I’m getting ready to go to my new drumming circle, but I thought I’d watch five minutes. I’m just at the part where they’ve gone back to the scene of the crime to try to get some answers—’ Suddenly she breaks off. ‘Oh wow, that’s it!’
‘What’s it?’ I ask, puzzled.
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