by Reina Torres
He was there. Inside the gorilla somehow.
“But that’s not right,” she spoke aloud in a soft tone as she gently rubbed her cheek against his shoulder and felt the soft hair pillow her head. “You’re not inside like a shell. Or maybe it’s like a suit.” She squeezed her eyes shut, struggling to make real sense out of her life and failing miserably. Opening her eyes again she saw Donal’s eyes dissolve into the dark irises and sclera of the gorilla again. “It’s real then,” she could hear the marvel in her voice. “You shift into… into this.”
Tamsin wanted to laugh again, but not as a way to stave off her fear, but as a kind of celebration. The stories.
“Those stories are true.” She felt her face flush with heat. “When they called your great-grandfather an ape-man they didn’t realize what they were talking about, did they?”
The gorilla leaned down, his broad brow shielding her eyes from the tree canopy above their heads.
“When the people said that he led the apes, they just didn’t understand what they were saying. They probably didn’t even understand what was really happening.” She continued to talk, working through the ideas in her head, and it wasn’t until she felt him release her fingers that she felt that aching loneliness again. “Wait.”
And this time she took his hand in both of hers, marveling at the difference in size.
“I can’t believe you never told me.”
He knew he’d pay for it later, but Donal shifted back into his human form, paying close attention to the woman he held momentarily in his arms. As he watched her, he knew the very moment that she realized what was happening. The way she fluttered her fingers over the back of his hand and trailed her touch up his arm and then across his chest made his whole body come alive.
The last time Tamsin had set her hands on his chest he’d spent the night deep inside of her body and his mind wasn’t the only part of him that remembered.
Donal knew that she wouldn’t be immune to his touch, nor would she be able to ignore the heavy press of his body against hers.
“I didn’t tell you,” his voice whispered against her cheek, “because I didn’t know what was happening.”
Even though he’d thought it through in his own head over and over again, Donal had never admitted any of this out loud, but he knew that she needed to hear the words as much as he needed to tell her what had been going through his mind.
He’d missed talking to her about so many things. It wasn’t until he had set foot on this continent just how much he’d relied on her to help him figure out solutions to his problems. And how much peace she brought to his soul.
He’d fought so hard to hold onto the humanity in his soul when he’d been well and truly on his own, struggling with his own identity.
“I thought-”
Tamsin’s fingers traced three shivering lines across his middle, and he felt his muscles bunch and clench at the searing sensation of her touch.
“I thought I was dying.”
At his admission, her fingernails scraped at his skin. It had been a surprise for her to hear it, but it had also hurt and Tamsin had been hurt by him before. All Donal could do was try to get her to understand why he’d done it.
“I had been to doctors, too many doctors, and all of them told me the same things. I was hearing things, seeing things, and they wanted to put me on anti-psychotic drugs. Maybe if I had listened, if I had taken the drugs, maybe I would have stayed home… with you.”
He heard her soft sigh of protest and continued.
“There was something going on inside of me that said it wasn’t just in my head. When I was angry, which happened more and more, I could feel anger in my blood. I felt it like an undertow in the ocean, pulling me in deeper and faster than I could go.
“I was losing myself and I was sure my grip on reality. The one absolute that I held onto was my need,” he felt that need throbbing in his chest at that moment and had to gasp in a breath to ease the ache so he could speak, “my need to ensure your safety, Tam. I left because I felt the need to possess you inside of me, and I couldn’t risk your life for the needs I felt inside of me.”
He felt her still, turn into living stone on his lap.
His beast within found the moment quite the amusing distraction, enjoying the warmth of their mate leaning against them.
Mate.
That’s the subject he wasn’t prepared to discuss, but knew at that moment, with her tucked gently against his body, that it would destroy him to let her go without trying to make her understand why they should be apart.
He fought down the roar of anguish from his beast, and pushed away the wild and frantic anger that arose when he made his position clear.
“This side of me, Tam. The wild side of my nature wants you with us. He tells me that you are my mate. The one woman who could help me tame the beast inside me.” He felt her shift against him, and one glance told him that her mind was furiously working through what he was telling her. He knew that her heart would war with her mind as she did.
His Tamsin had more heart than anyone else he knew. As gentle as she was loyal, she would try to save him, and he wasn’t going to drag her into danger just because the gorilla had decided they should have her.
He wasn’t going to let that side of himself dictate anything in regard to Tamsin.
No, if he could keep her away from the danger riding under the surface of his human form, he would do it.
“Your mate.” She said the words once and then again, the second time a bit louder. And he could see the way her lips trembled at the thought. If only he could hear the thoughts in her head. “That all sounds a little…”
He waited for her to find the word she was searching for. If he tried to help, his contributions would be limited to words like crazy, odd, ridiculous, or the very best of the worst ‘insane.’
“Antiquated. Like the whole concept comes from the time when your great-grandfather first arrived in Africa. Would that mean that I would stay with you, here?”
It all seemed so simple when she said it.
That if he made her his mate, he’d get to keep her near.
But at that moment, the thought not only brought him joy and hope, Donal felt the rise of need within his soul. The need to possess her body. To touch, to kiss, and bury himself so deep inside of her that it would take hours to work himself free of her scent and the feeling of her skin against his.
To hear his beast tell it, he’d have to bite her, break her skin with his sharpened teeth at the height of her pleasure. He’d have to mark her for the rest of her life with his mouth, scar her flesh.
He couldn’t demand that of her, he couldn’t even ask her to suffer that for him.
All of her life, she had enjoyed the kind of freedom that his family’s protection could provide. She should go on enjoying what he could provide for her.
“I can’t,” he shook his head and turned his gaze away from her face, “I can’t let you do that, Tamsin, no matter how much I might want it.”
No matter how much he needed her.
We need her.
“Can you understand that, Tam? Can you see why it’s better for you?”
The tense set of her features eased and that should have reassured him, but it didn’t. He didn’t expect her to be happy with the idea, but he hoped she understood that what he was doing was for her own good.
When she nodded, the movement was so short and stilted he almost missed it.
She started to get to her feet but stumbled. He reached out a hand to steady her only to have Tamsin slap it away.
“Don’t.”
“Tam,” he tried to ease the look of pain on her face, “please, see reason. I-”
“Don’t you dare!” She stumbled back from him, her legs as rigid as her backbone. “Don’t you dare try to tell me that you’re doing it for me. That this,” she gestured at the space between them, “is what you want, because it’s not what I want, Donal. I want this thing between us. I’v
e wanted it for years, but if you can’t see that what you’re doing is driving a wedge between us, then I don’t think I can stop you or change your mind.
“We’ve always been strong-willed people, Donal, but I can say that I see the same things in both of us, up until a point.”
Donal shook himself and tried to brush away the confusion from his mind. “What’s that?”
He saw a tear gather on her lashes at the corner of her eye, but she kept her hands straight down to her sides rather than wipe it away.
“That you say you want me, but you won’t fight for me. For us. And so I’m going to walk away right now before I slap you silly. You’re already the biggest idiot I know.”
He could only stare at her as she walked way, wondering how he managed to do exactly what he’d wanted to avoid, hurting her.
Maybe it was better to let her walk away, hating him.
He didn’t need to hear his beast tell him he’d been an even bigger ass than he already was, he just had to decide what to do from there.
Chapter Six
Tamsin hadn’t expected the women in the group to fold her into their circle as quickly as they did. In fact, she hadn’t even said a word before one of the women took her by the hand and led her toward the mess tent to take a seat.
She didn’t know what possessed her, but as Magheli approached the table, Tamsin crooked her finger and brought him close enough that she could whisper a request.
If her request shocked him, he didn’t show it. Instead he gave her a low nod and left the tent, his long stride eating up the distance to his jeep. Picking up his duffle, Magheli headed down the path she’d just traveled.
There was only one of the women who turned to watch the tall Afrikaner walk away, and when she took her place at the table, Tamsin mustered up a smile for her. “You must be Zenzile. I met your father yesterday.”
The other woman took her measure in a quick glance, nodding at the end of her assessment. “And he,” her eyes chased after Magheli rather than saying his name, “took you to see my father?”
Tamsin grinned. “Magheli told me that if anyone would know where to find Donal, it would be your father.” The moment struck her as funny, not in the ‘ha ha’ sense, but in the way that odd moments knocked her off kilter. “How strange that nearly everyone I’ve met since coming to Africa knows each other. Like it’s the universe playing its own version of six degrees of separation.” Her voice fell away as she counted silently on her fingers. “And I only needed three to find Donal. That’s some kind of luck.”
The woman beside her introduced herself as Amahle and offered her a cup of umqombothi and Tamsin eagerly accepted. She’d developed a taste for the beer the night before and while she wasn’t one to drink every day, she gave herself a pass. The things she’d seen…
Holding the cup in her hand she looked at the women surrounding her and did her best to answer their smiles with her own before she took a sip.
Okay, more than a sip, but no one seemed to be complaining.
Leaning on the tabletop, Zenzile gave her a pointed look. “Do you want to tell us what happened back there?”
Back there.
Shaking her head, Tamsin blew out a breath. “I’m not even sure I know what happened. I’m still trying to understand it. To understand what happened to Donal. He’s not the man… not the same man I knew in America.”
The women at the table shared looks with each other.
Nomusa, who had introduced herself when Tamsin had arrived at the camp, poured more of the beer into her cup. “And we wondered who he left behind.”
Tamsin didn’t have anything to say to that. She knew what she wanted to be to Donal… back then. She still held onto that love for him. She didn’t think she’d ever let that go.
She took another sip of the beer and let the strong brew cover her tongue and soothe the ache in her chest. How was she going to understand anything ever again?
Donal wasn’t just her first love. He’d likely be the last. There wasn’t any room in her heart for another man.
A man.
Was he still?
Tamsin could almost feel his hands on her, his eyes watching her expressions as he spoke. How could he be anything other than the man she’d fallen in love with?
The man she’d given herself to.
And even when she’d looked at their hands folded together and watched his skin turn from his warm tan to the ink-dark skin of a gorilla, she hadn’t felt fear so much as wonder.
“I think I’m losing my mind.”
Tamsin looked up at the subtle cough she heard from across the table and saw another woman sit down at the table.
Her arm was bandaged and held gently in a sling. Offering her free hand in a welcoming gesture, she introduced herself as Thabisa and then addressed the group as a whole. “Where’s Sifiso?”
That shook Tamsin, and she looked to her side at Amahle. “Are you waiting for someone else?”
Amahle shook her head. “That’s what we call Donal.”
Zenzile quickly picked up the explanation. “It depends on who tells the story. I would say that we gave him a name so he wouldn’t pout like a child. He seemed to feel left out.”
Nomusa clucked at the other woman. “You make him sound silly.” The woman who managed the camp and the patrol schedules leaned forward against the edge of the table and shifted her cup between her hands. “Zulu are named before their birth and there are different kinds of names that parents choose for their child.”
“Some are aspirational,” Thabisa took a cup of beer from Zenzile and breathed in the scent, “some speak of their place in the world. And when Donal came to us, he believed in us and helped us secure supplies and supported our efforts, joining us on patrol to save the animals.”
“So, you gave him a name because he was one of you.”
“Sifiso means ‘Who we wished for.’” Nomusa nodded and finished the last sip of her drink. “Mzamo was the one who gave him the name.” She nodded at Zenzile, but the other young woman wasn’t paying attention to the conversation anymore.
Tamsin turned to look and followed her focus.
Magheli was walking back down the path with his duffle hitched high on his shoulder. He kept walking until he caught sight of the gathering under the tent, and then he slowed his steps before turning in their direction.
Tamsin remained seated at the table until she saw Donal walking down the road behind the other man. He was wearing a pair of pants that looked to be a tight fit, and the shirt he wore was an undershirt, stretched across his chest like a second skin.
Looking away from the sight of her old friend, Tamsin sat back down at the table and picked up her nearly empty cup. She wasn’t thirsty anymore, but she needed something to do with her hands.
It wasn’t right that one look at Donal and she wanted to put her hands all over his body, craving the heat of his skin against hers.
Swallowing, she fought down the heat that rose to the surface of her skin and kept her gaze focused down at the table until something heavy dropped down on it.
Magheli left his bag at the end of the table and walked over to sit down beside Zenzile. He gave her more than a passing glance, but he put a respectful distance between them as he took a seat. Once he was seated, he accepted a cup of beer, and Tamsin saw him look at her across the table.
“You and I,” he scoffed, “are going to have a few words later.”
He did his best to ignore the pointed look that Zenzile sent his way and drank down the contents of his cup before he set it down.
By that time, Donal had arrived at the table, standing down at the end near Magheli’s bag.
“Tamsin?”
She met his gaze with what she hoped looked like a placid expression, but she didn’t say a word.
“I’d like to talk to you.”
Lifting her cup, Tamsin touched it to her mouth and tipped it up. Whether or not she managed to get anything past her lips she couldn’t tell. When
she returned the cup to the tabletop, she shook her head. “Later. I just can’t talk to you right now.”
Leaning his hands on the table, Donal kept his focus on her, and just the intensity of his gaze made her heart beat faster in her chest.
“Tam, please. We need to talk.”
She shook her head and focused her gaze on the cup. She felt like a coward for doing it, but she needed to put some distance between them.
Even though she’d been able to walk away from him before, she could still feel his energy crawling over her skin like lightning, dancing from one nerve to another. “Later.”
She hated the way her voice wobbled a little. So much for holding strong. With that answer, she hoped that Donal would drop the subject. Maybe it was just her own nerves in overdrive, but she was sure the mood at the table had changed drastically.
“Have a seat, Sifiso.” Zenzile’s voice had a chiding tone to it. “We have a cup for you, too.” She poured a cup for him and set it on the tabletop in front of him.
He didn’t pick it up. “Maybe later.”
Tamsin didn’t have to look to know that Donal had fixed his gaze on her. She felt it like a physical touch. So, she remained quiet, but Donal didn’t move to take a seat. Instead, he leaned against the end of the table and started to reach for her. She saw the hand he reached out to her and closed her eyes to avoid the temptation.
“You keep your hands off of her!”
The table almost jumped, and Tamsin looked up, startled.
Magheli was on his feet, straddling the bench. “You stay back.”
Donal’s chest rose and fell with each breath and the sleeveless undershirt he wore pulled dangerously right across his chest. “This isn’t about you.”
“The hell it’s not!” Magheli turned to her, his eyes blazing. “He won’t hurt you again, not while I’m here.”
Tamsin knew that it wasn’t Magheli’s intent to cause a ruckus, but that’s exactly what his words did.
His open challenge was like a thorn in a lion’s paw. Donal’s angry shout reminded her that he wasn’t a cat by nature, but she’d never really heard of similar fables about gorillas.