by Hart, Hanna
He wanted children—someday.
Willow used to be on the same page as him. Even that surprised him, as she never seemed like the type of girl who wanted a ring on her finger. They had a plan. Marry after college. Settle down after they find jobs. It was the proper way to do things.
But it was the unclear somedays that slowly began to unravel their relationship. Willow was unhappy with someday, and he couldn't fathom what had changed in her to make marriage and babies such a devastating topic.
“You're being so selfish,” he had told her once.
“I'm being selfish?” she repeated incredulously. “Ryder, don't you love me?”
“Of course, I do,” he snapped.
“Then why don't you want to take that love and make it into something real?”
Ryder blinked in surprise. “I'm sorry, I didn't realize our love was a figment of my imagination.”
“A family,” she said in a near-whine. “Why don't you want to be a family with me?”
This conversation would inevitably lead to Willow crying.
He thought maybe it was hormonal. Her longing to have a child would come and go. Sometimes they would fight nonstop about proposals and baby names and other times Willow would be back to her old self. They would get back to being Willow and Ryder and, in those weeks, he couldn't imagine life any other way.
But that night he could see in Willow's eyes how much he'd hurt her. He meant every word he said. If she wanted a baby and she couldn't wait, then they shouldn't be together. He was sick of the fighting and of walking on eggshells around her. But, he hadn't expected her to walk out.
They spent two days not talking to one another before he realized what an idiot he had been. If that was what it was like not having Willow in his life, he decided, then he never wanted to experience it again.
Ryder loved his parents, but they were self-serving in a lot of ways, just as they were now. They often put career moves and business ahead of their own family.
Willow was his whole world. He was one half of her, and she was the other half of him. Back then, he felt like he couldn't exist without her. So, if she needed a commitment, then he wanted to give her that.
It wasn't as if he wanted to be anywhere else.
He walked into his bedroom and opened the closet door. He reached into a gym bag that had a small pillow inside of it. He reached inside the pillow and pulled out a purple velvet ring box.
Willow was a notorious snooper, so he had to be crafty with his hiding place.
Ryder flipped open the top with a satisfying snap and looked down at the engagement ring inside. It was a starburst floral diamond halo with a citrine center. He knew if he was going to buy a ring for Willow, it couldn't be a run of the mill solitaire. It had to be something unique.
He had bought it six months earlier. He was going to propose to her on her graduation day, maybe stay engaged for a couple years before picking a date. At least until he was out of school.
But the more he thought about making the move, the more nervous he became. Until that night.
'What an idiot,' Ryder thought to himself now.
Marrying someone because you're afraid of losing them is not love. It isn't even romantic. It's a desperate grasping at straw.
Ryder knew Willow was working and he knew it was almost her break time. She worked nights at the coffee shop and took her break at eight each evening.
He set the ring box in the pocket of his jacket the whole way to her work, clutching it firmly in his hand as though letting go of it would make it disappear. He loved the way the thick velvet felt against his palm.
Ryder turned the corner to the street where she worked. It was spring evening, damp and cold. The roads were wet, and he was surprised to see Willow sitting on the damp curb with Charlie Pace.
Willow was crying, and Charlie was smoking a cigarette. Ryder couldn't stand that guy, and he hated when Willow would come home smelling like smoke. Not only was it unappetizing, but it meant that she had been with him.
Charlie had a crush on Willow that was so obvious it made Ryder cringe. Half in embarrassment, half in annoyance.
Ryder took a steadying breath and backed up a few steps. The streets were dead, with just a few passersby blocking his view from the two.
“He doesn't deserve you,” he heard Charlie say to Willow as he reached for her face.
“We've been together forever,” Willow said in a teary frenzy.
“But that doesn't mean you're right for each other,” Charlie said. “He said it himself. You want different things.”
“I know, but...” Willow said before tapering off.
Ryder grit his teeth. He was furious. Charlie was using his own words against him to try and steal his girlfriend. The worst part was, it was working.
“If he could see what I see in you, he would never let you walk out,” Charlie said, and Ryder wanted to say, 'Yeah, well you haven't been with her for three years. Try again when she gets into her baby phase with you, buddy.'
Willow turned to Charlie with wide, surprised eyes. She blinked in quick succession and stared at her co-worker. “What do you see in me?” Willow said, allowing herself to be flattered.
“You're special,” he said. “You're like no one I've ever met before.”
Ryder gripped the ring box in his hand. No kidding, she was special. Anyone could see that she was special. Hadn’t he told her how unique she was? Why did she need such reassurance from someone else?
But then, apparently, she did need it, because within seconds she had leaned in and pressed her lips against Charlie’s.
Ryder felt sick. He felt a gut-wrenching agony that stole his breath away. He froze on the spot, his eyes wide and stared at the two of them. ‘It’s okay,’ he told himself. ‘She’ll pull away.’
She began to, but Charlie pulled her back in, and she obliged. He could see her mouth getting wider to make way for Charlie’s tongue. She wasn’t crying anymore.
And that was it.
Ryder was done.
‘They might see you,’ he told himself as if he were intruding on their moment. He spun on his heel and walked home. He arranged for movers to come pick up his things in the morning. He called his parents and told them that Willow and he were over and that he wanted to move home.
“How could this happen?” his mother said with a choke in her throat.
His mother knew how much Willow meant to him. Willow meant a lot to everyone in his family. His mother practically cried herself when he had told her it was over.
“I don’t know,” he said numbly. “Can I come home? Please, ma?”
“Are you sure it’s over, sweetheart?” she asked with concern. “Sometimes, when people are upset, they say things they don’t mean and—”
“It’s over,” he said.
His mother was silent for what felt like forever. He could feel his heart beating hard as he awaited her answer. It was one of the few times they did exactly what he wanted—welcomed him back with open arms.
“Leave tonight,” his mother said with worried desperation. “We’ll buy the ticket. Come home.”
“No, it’s fine,” he said, “I have to clear up some things here tomorrow.”
“Okay. We’ll have a room ready for you.” She said this because, since he had left for New York, his parents had moved to Nani Makai. “And if we don’t see you tomorrow and something happened or you guys decided to get back together, we will understand that, too. No questions asked.”
“That’s not going to happen, ma,” he said. “But, thanks.”
He left by the end of the next day.
Going home, he had conflicting feelings about their whole relationship. His heart was broken. His trust was abolished. He didn't want to exist in a world where there wasn't a Willow and Ryder.
But then the anger set in and he grew furious with her. He was angry at how much she had changed and how insufferable she made their relationship. How guilty she made him feel for his own emot
ions. He couldn't change the fact that he wasn't ready for kids.
In fact, it would have been irresponsible of both of them to bring a child into the world when only one parent was excited about the prospect. He deserved to get married and have a child when he was ready, not when he was being rushed.
He became furious with his parents. It was their control and influence that had held him back from making Willow feel like he could commit to her.
And then, instead of blaming everybody else for his problems, he spent the next few years being irrefutably angry with himself.
He felt that deep inside he was only a shell of what he used to be. He cursed his inability to read Willow. For his inability to be anything more than numb and take care of Miranda the way she deserved to be looked after.
Thinking back now, of course, he knew that breaking up with Willow was the right thing to do. The way he did it could have used some work, but they really did want different things.
Had he been with Willow then, had he caught her before she cheated on him, then maybe he would have married her and resented her for the rest of his life.
But, he didn’t resent her. He didn’t even hate her anymore.
He was afraid to be with her. He was afraid of letting her have his heart because he didn’t know what she would do with it.
Ryder had been with Miranda for about six years, twice the amount of time he was with Willow, but it was Willow that he couldn't let go. This fact made him long for her and hate her all at the same time. What made his breakup with Willow even more earth-shattering was the fact that Willow didn't seem to miss a beat at all.
He didn't speak to Willow, ever, after their breakup. Until now, obviously. But he'd heard from friends that while he ran back to the mainland, Willow stayed put in New York City. He saw photos of her online out partying with friends, exploring different landmarks and hiking trails, and kissing various guys in the weeks following their breakup. It was like he never existed in her life.
It was a strange thing, to be with someone for such a short period of time only to have it shape you and set your expectations for the rest of your life.
In fact, it was terrifying.
But now here she was, Willow, back in his life.
Here was his second chance to make things right with her.
The two had been seated in the front row at the event and watched his father battle and debate with his brother. It was a living nightmare.
Ryder felt a surge of emotion that suddenly overpowered his thoughts. All of these feelings for Willow resurfacing were making him feel dizzy. This new acknowledgment that all this time, all he had been waiting for was her.
He didn't realize how much he needed her until she was back in his life. He felt safe and centered around her. She balanced him in ways he thought were long forgotten.
And then there was Miranda. Her betrayal of him was beating down on his soul. It was all over the media. Things he told her in confidence were now being used to shame his family. And the worst part was, he still couldn't bring himself to hate her. All he felt about Miranda was guilt—the overwhelming feeling that he had failed her as a husband and a partner.
Isaac. Another person he had been close with who had now fallen out of his life. Isaac broke his trust in the worst way possible, and now he was turning his back, not only on Ryder but on the entire family. Running against their father and breaking their mother's heart.
“Sad boy,” Willow whispered.
It was like she could read his mind, somehow.
He was hyper-aware of the camera's around them and couldn't make eyes at her. He squeezed her hand, and she leaned into his ear and whispered, “Let's get out of here.”
Ryder met her eyes and nodded, allowing him to lead him out of the crowded room and out into the gardens. They wandered through the floral maze until they reached a clearing of grass that melded into the sand.
“Where are we going?” he said.
“Somewhere awesome,” was all she said back.
Ryder followed her, hand in hand, until they reached a familiar sight. The lagoon.
It was just as pretty as he remembered it. The lagoon was like something out of a book. It was a large pool of incredibly deep water that glowed from underneath. The massive pool led into a circular alcove with a bridge over top of it. There was a waterfall crashing into the alcove, and he remembered the night he told Willow he loved her.
“Remember this?” Willow asked with an adorable, lop-sided grin as she pulled him over the bridge and down a set of wooden stairs.
“I remember,” he said and suddenly felt tingles running up the sides of his arms.
The only light coming from the lagoon was coming from underneath the water. The entire area was roped off. Closed for the night.
The two stood with their hands resting on the rope, listening to the water crash against the rocks and the spray of the waterfall gushing down into the serene pond.
“Come swim with me,” she said.
Ryder darted his eyes slowly to meet hers, and he threw his suit jacket and tie onto the grass below. He reached his hand out to help Willow over the tall rope, but when he turned his head, he saw she was already jumped over the rope and cannonballing into the water below.
He shook his head with a laugh and jumped in after her.
The two splashed one another in the water and pretended to chase one another in the water. Playing Jaws, as Willow used to call it.
Ryder caught hold of her leg as she scrambled to swim away from him and she squealed as he began pulling her toward him. He laughed as well when she tried to dunk him under water, but he was too strong for her. He slipped an arm around her, and she wrapped her legs around his middle so that it looked like he was carrying her around the water.
“My life is a mess,” he said.
“Join the club,” she laughed.
“I have a secret,” he said slowly, urging himself to keep his thoughts private.
Willow raised both brows curiously and waited for him to continue.
“My father was embezzling money,” he whispered.
“Why?” she swallowed.
“He accepted a bribe a few years back. Some influential people would put him in a better political position when re-elections came up. Some business wants him to put their casino on Nani Makai. He embezzled tax money to help pay for it.”
“But, your dad’s a billionaire,” Willow said, lowering her brows in genuine surprise and confusion. “Why would he need to do that?”
“He has debt, just like everyone else,” he said slowly. “Maybe even more.”
“So,” she said slowly. “Is anything else Miranda is saying true?”
“Some things,” he said. “My parents lived apart for a year, that was true. Miranda’s saying it was because my ma had something going with the landscaper. That wasn’t true. She was just so sick of living in the spotlight.”
Willow nodded. “Must be a nightmare.”
“You seem to be doing well with it,” he teased.
“Yeah, well,” she snorted, “I’ve been doing it for a few months. Not years.”
“There’s a lot that could come out about my father.” Ryder scraped his teeth over his bottom lip and said, “And you know what’s awful?”
“What’s that?”
Ryder sighed. “If they kicked him out or he didn’t get re-elected, I wouldn’t care at all.”
Willow smiled at that. “Completely understandable,” was all she said.
An awkward silence hung between them and for a moment Ryder wondered if he had said too much. If he should really have trusted Willow with such delicate information. But there was no reason not to trust her now. They weren’t teenagers anymore, and she had more than proved that she was in this to help his family.
“I have a secret, too,” Willow piped up, wrapping her arms around Ryder’s neck.
He smirked and turned his ear to her lips. “What's that?” he asked.
“I wasn't
really wild and crazy, you know,” Willow said.
“False,” he scoffed.
“I was just… really lost,” she said. “You say you were intimidated by me? That you were afraid that I was going to leave you? It was definitely the other way around, buddy.”
“What?”
“I was just, this lost little girl. I floated through life. I didn’t feel like I had a purpose until I met you, to be honest. You balanced me out. You made me do things like, think about what I wanted to do with my life and actually graduate high school.”
“You weren’t going to graduate?” he asked in surprise.
Willow shrugged as he spun their bodies slowly in the water. “I didn’t care, and that’s the point. You were so put together. I was so jealous of you, Prescott.”
“I didn’t know that,” he said, swallowing nervously.
“Well,” she tapped his nose. “You didn’t ask.”
Ryder set his hands on either side of her waist, and they floated in the water. He smiled at her, a knowing, flirtatious smile, and pulled her close to his body. He began to float them over to the waterfall.
“Hold your breath,” he said just above a whisper and Willow widened her eyes playfully. She did as instructed and he dunked the two of them under the waterfall. They felt the weight of the falling water inside the manmade lagoon, and when he pulled her back up, they were behind the waterfall in that old familiar spot.
Her dress glittered like diamonds against the light from below, and Ryder was captivated by the way her body moved.
He pulled her close to his form once again and brought a wet hand up to her cheek, brushing a strand of hair off her face with his thumb.
“Hi,” she said with a smile.
“Hi,” he said back. “Thank you, for bringing me here.”
Willow shrugged. “It was as simple as jumping over a rope.”
“No, not here,” he said, looking around at the towering rock walls and the crystal-clear waterfall in front of them. His words echoed against the rocks of the alcove. “Here,” he said, pressing her hand against his heart. He was alive again.
Willow looked down at her hand and then met his eyes. She was about to say something, but then suddenly looked up as they heard a couple walking across the bridge overhead. She nearly giggled and raised a finger to her mouth, as if Ryder had been the one about to make noise. He smiled at this, and they both waded silently in the water until the footsteps went back the other way.