The Law of Attraction

by N. M. Silber

  “Stop worrying! My great-uncle Leland thinks he’s still in the army even though he’s seventy-eight.” Braden came over and stood behind me, circling my waist with his arms. “I think your parents are great. I see where you get your sense of humor.”

  “I’m glad you like them.” I smiled. He leaned down and kissed my neck.

  “I missed you last night,” he whispered. “I’m glad we can sleep together tonight.”

  “Me too.” I turned around and pulled his mouth to mine for a deep and tender kiss. After a few moments though I pulled back.

  “The peanut gallery will be here soon. We should save this for later. We’ll probably need to comfort each other after they leave anyway.”

  “Okay,” he said, tucking my hair behind my ear gently. As if on cue I heard the doorbell. I tensed up. It was time. I tried to remember my mother’s words. It was best to get it over with quickly.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  We walked downstairs and first I saw my Aunt Ruth and my Uncle Ira. Ruth came over to me and clutching me to her ample bosom, said in the most nasal voice and the heaviest Queens (and I don’t mean the British kind) accent most people have ever heard, “Gabrielle! How awre you?”

  “I’m great, Aunt Ruth. How are you?”

  “Fabulous! Simply fabulous! You look amazing! Look Ira! Doesn’t Gabrielle look amazing?”

  “You look amazing, Gabrielle. You lost some weight huh?”

  “Nah, not really. I just walk a lot, so I’m kind of like more toned, you know? Uh, let me introduce you. This is my boyfriend Braden. Braden, this is my Aunt Ruth and my Uncle Ira.”

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Braden said, sounding wonderfully cultured. It wasn’t hard to sound wonderfully cultured next to my Aunt Ruth though.

  “Oh my gawd!” Ruth screeched. ”Gabrielle brought a guy home! And he’s so good-looking!” I wanted to crawl under the couch and hide.

  “Well, that’s a first!” Ira added. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Braden! We were starting to wonder if maybe Gabby was gay, you know?” He chuckled. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with that! I know lots of gay people!” Ruth chimed in. “My hair stylist is gay and he’s a lovely person!” She seemed to be apologetically explaining this to me for some reason.

  “Where’s Rachel?” I asked, before Ruth could name every gay person she knew.

  “She and Bubbe are still outside. They’re having a little disagreement and I asked them to resolve it before they came in,” she said, rolling her eyes.

  “Maybe we should check on them,” my mom said. Yeah, no kidding. They could be out there all night. On the other hand… My mom went out front.

  “Ben!” Ira said. “How’s the world of big business?”

  “Great, Ira! How’s the dry-cleaning business?”

  “Wonderful! We’re the ones who keep your guys lookin’ good!” My dad chuckled like Ira hadn’t said that every time that he had seen him for the past thirty years.

  “And what do you do, Braden?” Ira asked.

  “I’m an assistant district attorney.” He smiled.

  “Another lawyer! Well, good for you, Gabby! You found one with a good job. We were worried you might get desperate enough to start dating your clients. So when are you getting married?” I wanted to drink bleach.

  “Uh, well, we haven’t been dating that long yet, Uncle Ira.”

  “Well, Gabby, you’re not getting any younger and I don’t think you want to let this one go, you know what I’m saying, kiddo?” he said in a quiet voice, like he was sharing privileged information with me.

  “Ira, why don’t you come with me for a minute while I check on dinner?” My dad jumped in quickly. “I want to hear everything that’s going on in the dry cleaning world.” Dad was such a great guy. He was totally taking one for the team. Ira followed him to the kitchen, talking serious dry cleaning talk. The front door swung open and my mother came in looking stressed. She plastered a big smile on her face anyway. She was pretty great too. My parents were really going to the mat for me.

  “Gabrielle, sweetheart, look, your cousin Rachel’s here!” Rachel, my thirty-two-year-old cougar cousin with the big hair, the expensive manicure and the Jimmy Choos came over and hugged me.

  “Gabrielle, you look great!”

  “So, do you Rach! This is my boyfriend, Braden.”

  “What a pleasure,” she smiled. Then she turned to me and said loud enough for everyone to hear, “Wow, very hot. Is he built to scale?” My eyes widened. Braden coughed to cover a surprised laugh. And then I heard it, coming in the door, the voice of my childhood nightmares.

  “Gabrielle! Dahling! Is that you?”

  “Bubbe! Yes it’s me.” My grandmother, all four foot eleven inches of her, shuffled in, leaning on her cane. The cane was a prop, of course; she could sprint a city block when she needed to.

  “I almost didn’t recognize you. Probably because you never visit me. I wouldn’t know your voice because you never call me either. Would it kill you to call once in a while? Maybe you could even write a letter if you were feeling particularly generous.”

  “I’m sorry, Bubbe.” She made it to the front of the crowd and squinted up at Braden. She also had twenty/twenty vision incidentally. “Who’s the Viking?”

  “This is my boyfriend, Braden, Bubbe.”

  “Your boyfriend? We thought you were gay. Does he have a job?”

  “He’s a lawyer.”

  “A lawyer who makes money or a lawyer like you?”

  “He’s a prosecutor.”

  “So, a lawyer like you but on the right side.” She squinted again. “He doesn’t look Jewish.”

  “He’s not Jewish, Bubbe.”

  “Why not?”

  “What do you mean why not?” Rachel cut in. “Because he’s not! And I’ve got news for you. It doesn’t matter! I married a nice Jewish guy.” Oh no! Here we go! “A doctor! Top of the freaking Jewish food chain. And do you know where he is now? Shacking up with a twenty-three-year-old shiksa! That’s where he is now!”

  “Well, were you keeping him happy in bed?” Bubbe asked, and I started to panic.

  “Ma!” my mother cut in. “How could you ask that? You’re not gonna blame her because her husband cheated on her?!”

  “I’ll bet you any money she didn’t give him oral attention,” Bubbe announced.

  “Uh! I don’t think we should…” I tried.

  “Excuse me! But a lot of women simply do not enjoy performing oral sex! I mean guys pee out of that thing!” Rachel shouted.

  “See? What did I tell you?” Bubbe looked smug.

  “Braden, maybe we should check on dinner,” I said desperately.

  “Uh,” he replied. I grabbed his hand and dragged him into the kitchen where Ira was still talking dry cleaning and my dad’s eyes were glazing over.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said to Braden and I meant it from the bottom of my heart.

  “It’s okay! Don’t worry so much.” I could hear Rachel and Bubbe yelling at one another in the other room. My mom popped her head in.

  “So, Ben, sweetheart, does the brisket look done?”

  “Judy! Yes, honey, why don’t you help me? I don’t want to impose on Ira here. Ira, why don’t you go in the other room and relax?” Like anybody could relax with the cage match going on in there.

  “Okay, if you don’t mind.”

  “No! Not at all! Go! Really!” my dad pleaded. Ira grabbed a carrot stick and headed for the other room. Maybe he had learned to block them out.

  “Daddy, can Braden and I please stay in here and help you too? Please!”

  “Yes, of course sweetheart! You don’t have to go back out there.”

  “So, Braden, I hope you like brisket,” my mother said with a smile just as Rachel shouted something about how maybe Bubbe should just go and blow all the guys in her bridge club.

  “I do, thanks,” he said, trying not to laugh. My dad t
urned to face him with a look of exasperated amusement, and in that moment, Braden Pierce and Ben Ginsberg bonded.

  “Okay, let’s get this show on the road. Gabby, do you want to light the candles, sweetheart?” Dad asked.

  “Okay. Ma, will you please make them be quiet?”

  “Of course, honey.” She took a deep breath. “Ben, Gabby, I love you. Braden, darling I think you’re wonderful. Okay! Let’s go!” she said in a voice filled with steely determination. We got into the other room and my mother put two fingers to her lips and whistled shrilly. “Everybody shut up! It’s time to light the candles and welcome the Sabbath!” I sighed.

  “Here you go, Braden,” my dad said, handing him a yarmulke. Braden looked at it like he had just been given a gift. There weren’t a lot of six foot three blonde-haired blue-eyed guys who wore Jewish skull caps, but he managed to carry it off pretty well. We went into the dining room and everyone stood by the sideboard as I lit the candles and said the blessing. I glanced up and smiled at Braden who was watching me carefully. He really found this interesting. I also saw my parents watching him. The fact that he found it interesting made them happy. Somebody up there must have been listening to the prayers because my crazy relatives stopped screaming at each other and sat down quietly. It was a Sabbath miracle.

  Dinner wasn’t too bad. The food was great and my relatives had the courtesy to call a ceasefire. For most of it anyway. There were a few awkward moments.

  “So you two are sleeping together?” Bubbe asked.

  “Ma!” my mother cut in.

  “It’s okay. We seem to get asked that a lot,” Braden said with a smile.

  “Well, it’s no big deal if you are, sweetheart. God knows that Ben schtupped Judy enough before they got married. The two of them were always going at it.”

  “Bubbe please!” I begged. “I don’t want to hear about my parents having sex at the Sabbath meal! Or ever! I need therapy now.”

  “Mother that is enough!” My mom was getting seriously pissed.

  “Hey, at least you’re out of high school not like Rachel’s boyfriends,” Bubbe responded giving Braden an evil smile.

  “For the last time! My boyfriends are not in high school, you crazy old bag! One of them was a college student who was student teaching.”

  “Well, maybe your cousin could teach you a thing or two about how to find a boyfriend old enough to have finished college. Look at the Viking over there! I’ll bet he gets plenty of oral attention!”

  I almost passed out, I swear. And then it dawned on me; while he may have gotten plenty in the past, I hadn’t given him any. As if sensing my thoughts Braden reached over and squeezed my hand reassuringly.

  “Okay, okay Rose,” my dad said, starting to sound very pissed off too. “My family’s sex lives are not dinner conversation.” As if wanting to be a stand-up guy too, Ira chimed in and attempted to change the subject. Unfortunately, it was Ira.

  “So Gabrielle, maybe if you do good work you can get a job as a real lawyer someday.”

  “A public defender is a real lawyer. In fact most of them are better than the private defense lawyers,” Braden corrected, sounding a teeny bit pissed himself. What a lovely family dinner.

  “You hear that Ira?” Ruth asked in a chastising tone. “He didn’t mean any offense Gabby! We know that getting criminals off is very important!”

  Bubbe huffed. Apparently, she didn’t agree.

  “At any rate,” Ira tried again, “you’re looking great Gabby! You were getting kind of chunky there for a while.”

  “So Braden, do you have any brothers or sisters?” Rachel cut in, trying to help out.

  “I have a sister who’s twenty-five and a brother who’s twenty-three.”

  “Uh oh,” Bubbe said under her breath but loud enough for everyone to hear.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?!” Rachel shot back.

  “Okay enough!” my mother shouted.

  We ate in silence for a few minutes before Bubbe made one last attempt to be annoying by asking Braden if he would be learning anything about Jewish culture in the foreseeable future. Before I or anyone else, could rush in to defend the fact that he had had the audacity to be born a gentile, he himself answered that he had been thinking about doing that for quite some time, as one of his closest friends was also Jewish. My mother looked like she wanted to crawl across the table and embrace him and my dad looked like he wanted to fund a scholarship at Yeshiva University in his name.

  After dinner everyone retired to the parlor and my father did something extraordinarily kind; he suggested that since Braden and I enjoyed walking so much, we should go out for a stroll around the neighborhood before it got dark. I loved my dad! We headed out into the warm New York evening holding hands.

  “So I’m sure you’ve been to New York many times, but this is my neighborhood.”

  “I love this. These homes have so much character. This city has so much character.” He was looking around and taking it all in.

  “I think so too! Whenever I was feeling depressed about something I would take a walk and remind myself that I lived in one of the most exciting, must cultural, most interesting cities in the world and it would cheer me up.” I smiled and took it all in.

  “You really love it.” He smiled.

  “I do!”

  “So why did you move to Philly?”

  “I wanted some space from my family so I could learn how to be a grown-up. Besides, I like Philly too, even more now.” I squeezed his hand.

  We talked about what we should do the next day and decided to visit a museum and go book shopping among other things. As it got darker we walked home again, and I must say I felt much calmer than when we left. When we got back nobody was fighting, thank God. My relatives were being decently well behaved and they had the courtesy to leave not long after we got back.

  “So, Braden! You survived!” my dad said with a smile.

  “They were very interesting.” Braden laughed.

  “Clearly he doesn’t know them well enough yet,” my mother said dryly. “So my darling family, it’s nine o’clock on a Friday evening in Manhattan. Obviously we can’t just stay in the house.” I liked that fact that she had included Braden in our “darling family.” He seemed to like it too. It was almost cracking me up how much he was enjoying this trip so far.

  “Well, kids, what do you think?” my dad asked. “Jones Wood Foundry?”

  “That’s a British style pub not far from here. You can sit outside,” I explained to Braden.

  “Sounds great,” he replied.

  “Okay then! Let’s go get some well-deserved alcohol!” My mom laughed.

  We headed out to the pub and settled in for a chat. We had a lot of fun. My parents were on a real roll, cracking all kinds of jokes, doing impressions of my relatives, telling funny stories and being very cute and flirty with each other.

  “So Braden, I’ve been looking into your dad’s political record. I’m a Democrat but I really liked what I saw. He seems to be a well-grounded guy with some really good ideas.”

  “My father is pretty level-headed. He’s not a reactionary.”

  “I like that. That’s what we need more of in Washington.”

  “Braden’s family is so sweet. They were so nice to me.”

  “I guess that means we can’t stick him with the check then, huh?” my dad joked.

  “Be quiet!” I laughed.

  “You should let Braden and I spend some time getting to know each other tomorrow,” my dad said. “I promise to go easy on him.”

  “No hints!” I said. “We’ve only been dating for a couple of weeks. Give the poor guy a break.”

  “Hints? Hints about what? I don’t know what she’s talking about. Do you know what she’s talking about?” he asked my mom.

  “I have no idea what she’s talking about,” she said innocently.

  “Incidentally, I can get you a good deal on a band and a caterer should you ever need them for anything,�
�� Dad joked. At least I think he was joking.

  “So, do you want to see baby pictures of Gabby?” Mom asked with a huge grin. “She was so cute!”

  This was obviously some kind of a mom thing. Maybe when I had given birth someday I would develop the Kodak moment hormone.

  “Hey! I’m still cute.”

  “I would love to,” Braden said enthusiastically.

  “You would?” I asked, surprised. The guy who had recently told me that he wanted to nail me against the fucking wall now wanted to see my baby pictures. That was unexpected.

  “We should show him the one where she took all her clothes off at that birthday party,” my mom said to my dad with a smile.

  “Oh my God! What, have you been holding on to that picture all these years just waiting for this opportunity to humiliate me?”

  “Oh come on! It’s so cute! She’s shaking her naked little tuckus to Disney songs.” My dad smiled at Braden who looked like he was trying not to laugh.

  “What is wrong with you people? I finally bring a guy home and you immediately have to break out the kiddie porn?”

  “Gabby! I’m sure he’s seen you naked before,” my mom said. Clearly my parents weren’t going to stop until I had no pride left.

  “Oh! Yuck — Ma! You sound like Bubbe! I’m really gonna need therapy now.”

  “Oh please!” She rolled her eyes and waved her hand.

  “I do really want to see that picture,” Braden said to my mom with a smile. Great.

  We made plans to just relax in the morning. My dad and Braden could hang out and “get to know each other” whatever that entailed. After lunch, we would go to the Museum of the City of New York, then go to the Strand Bookstore, have dinner in the Village, and then go watch Shakespeare in the park. Sounded like a fun day. At least that was the plan. We got back home around eleven and Braden and I told my parents that we were going to turn in. They said that they were going to stay up a little longer and they wished us goodnight.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  We got up to my room and I locked the door behind me. I wasn’t taking any chances.

  “So, what do you want to do now?” he asked with his hot Braden sex smile. It wasn’t hard to figure out what he wanted to do now.