by Sasha Satori
Chapter 8
Valentina
"Can Axel hear me?" I ask Creusa. "I can fucking hear you just fine, tell the wretched hag to release her wards, before my pimp hand starts whooping her old wrinkly ass!" Axel roars in a spectral and demonic rage infused voice. I wince at the pure malice and rage. Good heavens, he is all the way past the front yard and he's yelling like a rabid banshee. "Shut your damn fang hole, vampire! Or I’ll turn you into a female ogre! I hear its mating season for them, maybe you'll be lucky enough to catch the ogre king Shrek's amorous attentions!" Creusa yells on top of her lungs back at Axel. Oy vey. How did I go from a boring domestic bliss of being a martial arts instructor who canned fruits and vegetables in her spare time, to having to mediate a fight between a vampire king and night witch fae. I pinch Creusa, "Stop goading him. I need to speak with him." Creusa scowls, "But he called me a-" I cut her off with a loud 'Shhh', I learned that from a golden year’s dog wizard, people called him 'the dog whisperer'. As always, the wizard’s advice works better than a spelled charm. Creusa clicks her mouth shut with a fierce scowl, "Make it quick. I’ll go gather a few things and spell the boys to forget all they saw and heard with me today." She says muttering to herself as she calls the kids to the kitchen. I guess her paranoia is born from being on the night kings shit list. They saw her in her true form and know her name, I suppose that could be problematic if any gossipy creatures overheard their conversations. Making my way to the window, I see Axel punching the ward with resounding booms echoing after each forceful punch. "Axel dear, may I have a moment?" I say calmly as if speaking to an unruly child, which I basically am. Axel stops punching the ward his luminous black tinged eyes meeting mine from where I stand at the windowsill. "Axel, If I tell Creusa to let down the ward, will you give me your kingly oath to protect Gemma, Fabio, the Heffernan's, and my new friends…Charlie, Shawn and Oliver. These kids saved my life, I want them to stay with you as protected guest in your compound." Axel starts yelling an admirably creative string of expletives, I make out 'Ogre shit stain', hmm how would he know what one even looks like? Best not ask. After he seems to finish his expletive filled tirade and stops punching Creusa's ward, he visibly struggles to calm himself. Over enunciating his words as if I'm a dim-witted fool, "Valentina dear, I spoke to you about bringing humans and decrepit elderly into our home. Now you want kids to move in as well. Next thing you’ll have me co-inhabit with the wretched hag! I specifically told you that it greatly displeases me to be surrounded with weak humans." He says as if he is speaking to a brainless microbe. I am impressed though that he is using his words. There is hope after all that he will be able to manage his manopausal rage. I smile saccharinely at him, "If you please me and promise to protect them in your compound, I will tell 'the hag' to let down her ward and I'll make sure you are very pleased in return." I say with as much innuendo as possible. Axels eye flare a phosphorescent green as lust has him licking his lips. "I accept those terms." He says throatily and without hesitation. Not much of a negotiator that one. Creusa pipes in, "Seal it with magic to make it an official magical binding agreement!" Creusa yells to Axel, as she stands out of sight to the side of the window. Axel curses then mutters something in a language I am not familiar with. A wave of magic ripples out towards me, I feel the magic already pressing me to please him and drop the ward. "Cr-… hag, let down the ward." I say honoring a part of my deal. Creusa is cursing me with her eyeballs for almost letting her name slip, "No.” She says firmly. "I honored one part of my side of the deal. Take good care of my peeps, I just have to run a little errand with the hag." Axel begins pounding the ward, this time the house quakes, "Shit! Your man wants your strawberry shortcake now. My ward is about to break, hurry!" Creusa says as she hands me the dagger. Axel voice is thundering in that scary spectral demonic voice, "Don’t you dare fucking leave with the hag! Valentina!" I quickly slice my palm as I saw Creusa do for the healing spell. I close my eyes and will my magic to take me to the night realm. I feel Creusa’s arm loop around my elbow. I open my eyes and see a reflective mirage shimmering mirror a foot from us. "Ethel, Ricky is going to be so mad," I say to Creusa as we both step through the portal glass. A pounding boom mutely echoes behind us, where we were less than a second ago. Axel is on the other side of the glass in all his feral glory, he’s vampirically fast ramming his entire body into the portal entrance to break it. His descended fangs are on full display as he continues his savage attack. His eyes are glued to my face with rapt desperation, I blow him a kiss with my hand as the portal fades away.
Valentina
I take inventory of myself and note that the biscuits made it safely. Looking up I see surreal blood red clouds floating rapidly through the black onyx sky, a huge planet with rings bordering it, is terrifyingly close, infinitely closer than our earth’s moon. It is leaning with a definite tilt and appears to be inside this realm’s stratosphere. Turning I see Creusa dusting off a similar shift dress as mine but in baby pink. "Creusa, could you not have dressed us in more nightmare realm suitable fighting clothes? We look like freaking girl scouts trying to sell sweet pastries." I ask, with frustration tinging my voice. Creusa dramatically huffs in disbelief, "But why do that? Here I thought we could have field advantage if we flashed are sugar muffins as we fight our enemies. Not! I didn’t plan on being rudely interrupted by your insult slinging vampire king mate before being able to pack properly for a trip of this magnitude. And why in the fae fuck would girls be scouting to sell their pastries?" Creusa says as she slings over her shoulders her long velvet white cloak. Creusa does have a point, I barely grabbed the biscuits, "I once read a golden years magazine, and it had an advertisement page that was looking to recruit girls to join a gang of all-girl cookie peddling street urchins, they call themselves ‘girl scouts’." I inform Creusa as she tosses the other cloak at me which is surprisingly heavy. Its thick warm material is a warm balm over my goosebump flesh, this place is cold. "Thanks, my titties could cute diamonds. And you're forgiven. I saved the day anyway by bringing your biscuit basket. We better hurry up and eat them, because in a life and death situation I'm regrettably more likely to save the biscuits instead of you." Creusa giggles and palms two biscuits, "Mhmm, I baked these just this morning. And I would like to amend your girl scout comment, we look like girl scouts whose pastries are laced with poison. If it was up to you, we would just freeze to death with a biscuit in our mouths. Here, put on the shoes I brought you." She muffles out through an extremely unladylike mouthful of biscuit; Creusa stops to dig through her backpack and passes me a pair of white canvas tennis sneakers. I notice she is wearing a similar pair of tennis shoes that have scuff marks, there's a black cartoon embossed cat with a pink bow on its head pasted on the top of her white tennis sneakers. Balancing on one foot, holding the biscuit in my mouth, I shrug on the shoes. After we empty the basket of biscuits. I rub my full belly, "Girl, you better close your eyes and start praying when I go into labor delivering my food baby. It could get ugly, real ugly." Creusa belches loudly, "We will probably birth them at the same time." A cheesy ham smell reaches my nose, "Ewww! What the actual fuck, Creusa! I just breathed in your burp! That is most unbecoming of a lady." I scold her in mock outrage. Creusa's signature harmonious bell laugh sounds, "I'm a fugitive on the run, baby. A dangerous thieving woman. I'm allowed to burp and randomly bitch slap ladies with delicate sensibilities." She finishes, giving me a playful 'you’re the lady with delicate sensibilities' look. Creusa points to the nearby woods, strange sound echoing within, "We have to hike through the blood forest, beyond it I will have to use my pendulum and map to direct us to the goods. Good thing I’m the best at glamour because you look like a lost lamb that’s surrounded by mutton meat eaters. Just relax, haven't you ever heard the human saying, 'keep calm and waddle on'." Creusa bops my nose like I'm a two-year-old toddler. She starts walking to the forest border, my stuffed biscuit belly and I waddle after her. The short meadow of grass clearing is shaped in a circle, it's surrounded by thick deeply
hued foliage and gigantic dark ebony trees that have a menacing aura of magic to them. Creusa stops abruptly a few feet from where the forest begins, in a hushed voice she whispers, "Keep your magic ready to go. This forest has many dark creatures roaming. I glamoured us to look like ten-foot-tall warrior Orcs. Safe to say no one should mess with us. My glamour though, won’t work on powerful fae. No matter what comes we must stay together, understood?" Sis, is preaching to the choir, I'll be on her like a new born baby kangaroo is to her mama's belly pouch. I answer with an 'I'm not sweating it' nonchalant, "Yup, crystal clear." Creusa turns and leads the way through the forest.
We've been hiking for three freaking hours, I told Creusa we should wait until morning to hike out of here. She said nighttime is the best time for us to travel, and that night fae can see perfectly fine at night, go figure. My stamina is amazing in this realm, but regardless of my bodies fatigue level, I don’t feel like walking this damn much, potato chips and my snuggie are what I want right now. But no…. instead I'm wading through the blood forest in the night realm at night, already several large Satan spawn creatures with razor sharp teeth that resemble the Z-landers, saw us and ran for the hills, warrior orcs must have it real good here. The sharp thorns that adorns most of the shrubbery hasn’t been so easy to intimidate. We have been going through thickets of them, my magic tendrils smacking away hungry vines that snake through the ground. Several times those fuckers grabbed my ankle and tried to pull me into the bushes. Even the damned plants our carnivores. Luckily, Creusa was there with a nasty spell the first time, her acid spell melted the vines faster than a hot stick of butter. My vines have been out since then, my long black razor-sharp stiletto claws as well. On the plus side, it seems being in my home realm has accelerated my healing, while not instantaneous healing, the scratches to my legs from the thorns healed rather rapidly. My twenty-fourth birthday is just around the corner, if I really am immortal those human cannibal settlements are next on my agenda. "Watch your step!" Creusa yells snapping me out of my reverie, she pushes me backwards into a tree that was a several feet behind me. Ow! Simultaneously, a huge snake lunges to where my foot was a moment ago. The snake is thick and over five-feet long, its body is solid black, with long thick needle-point red spikes trailing all along its back. Kind of like a snake and porcupine made a baby, and Satan is its uncle. Looks super-dee-duper poisonous. "Thank you." I mutter, my heart beating fast. My dark tendrils strike blindingly fast, with no more directive than my accelerated heartbeat, they clasp its neck and squeeze until the head plops off. Creusa claps excitedly, "Yay! You got us dinner. These Needlekrueger snakes are a delicacy round' here. Just make sure the needles don’t prick you, they are quite poisonous, even to an immortal. As a mortal, if pricked it will put you in a comma and then digest you alive." Creusa grabs the snake by the tip of its tail and drags it to a rock where she leverages it against. With her dagger she begins scaling off its sharp red spikes. Caviar, Escargot, Des cuisses de grenouille, all these delicacies are just fish eggs, slimy snails and frog legs. Keep an open mind, poisonous Needlekruegar snake from the night realm may be your new favorite. Nope, not even I believe my bullshit, I know I'm going to hate it, the fact that a golden year’s horror movie dude named Freddy Krueger probably came to this realm and spawned this atrocious creature makes me cringe.
Valentina
With the fire still crackling, Creusa and I are lying on our cloaks. "You licked your fingers clean faster than a starved Genbu eats her newborn babies. Admit it you love Needlekrueger snake better than pizza." Creusa continues gloating, as she has been for the last ten minutes. "Look I'm just a girl in a foreign realm, who's fear triggered an abnormal drive to survive. That’s it, I'm in survival mode. I probably would try barbequed worms at this point." I say, trying to shut Creusa up, with no such luck. "Your full of shit. I saw that ravenous twinkle in your eye." Creusa finishes with a yawn. I follow with a yawn of my own, "I warded us, let’s get some sleep." I say closing my eyes. Creusa mumbles, "I could go for a little nap."
The spider web feeling of being watched has my eyes slamming open, It looks to be just before sunrise. I frantically look around and see nothing. Creusa is sleeping like I just roofied her back to the golden year’s era, how she can sleep so soundly in the blood forest I'll never understand. Prickles of impending danger send a new wave of adrenaline pumping through me. I shake Creusa hard. "Off with his head," she groggily mumbles. Pinching her arm hard, I whisper, "Get the hell up, I feel danger lurking nearby." That warning is all it takes for Creusa's eyes to slam open. She abruptly sits up and begins scanning the area. Her pointed fae ears are twitching like crazy, as if to imaginary dup step beats. "The king's warrior orcs are approaching. They won’t see past our glamour, just let me do all the talking as I'm familiar with orc dialect. Hurry, stand up straight." Creusa whispers in a panic. I quickly stand up; my back is ramrod straight. Large stampeding footsteps emerge from thicket of bushes, I nearly gasp in horror as I feel Creusa elbow me, the Orcs are giant monstrosities. The massive Orc who currently is holding a spike ball tipped weapon. The orc has protruding horns emerging from his forehead, his nose is scrunched close to the center of his wide set eyes, his mouth is wide like a snake’s maw, with large ghastly bottom canines protruding from his very pronounced under bite. The orcs skin is thick like an alligator, it’s a putrid shade of mucus slime green. Only a loin cloth separates this terrifying orcs monstrous appendage from me having a lifetime of PTSD. More orcs line up beside him, there are dozens more behind him. Looks like an army convoy. The apparent leader orc steps closer to us, observing our campsite, "What ye two boiled brutes doin' her'? Ye two done earned ye selfs a fortnight in the dungeons fur disobeying ye kings orders." The orc deep glass shattering voice says to us. Creusa starts moving her arms in a wide set movement, I guess that's orc talk for something, she says in her regular voice but what must be an equally horrid voice as the commander orcs. "Ye see we was patrolling, We found dis backpack and camp ground. We was gonna report back te ye, Commanda." Creusa finishes. The commander orc walks right by us, I force myself not to flinch. Warrior orcs don’t flinch damn it. He walks to where Creusa has her canvas backpack, picks it up and pulls out a map, pen, two water bottles and three strawberry pastries wrapped in saranwrap. Oh, that bitch was holding out! My eyes start twitching, hopefully she can read the morse code of 'you selfish sneaky twat tart'. I can’t believe I shared her freshly baked biscuits that I looted from her, with her. I’m too kindhearted, people take advantage. Ima’ get cutthroat. Real hood like. That selfish witch. Her eyes pointedly narrow at me, her attempts at evil eye, leave much to be desired. I’m the current queen of bitch face. Making sure to face away from the army of orcs, I risk a small gloating smile in her direction. I’m also queen of petty. The orc commander turns the back upside down and to shake out any remaining items. Finding nothing else, he tosses it along with its contents onto the floor. Our leftover cooked Needlekruegar snake, is still on the wooden branch skewer over the ashy fire pit we cooked it on. That's all the orc will see, since Creusa has her sheathed dagger on her leg garter and my weapon packed harness is cinched tight around my waist, she assured me last night that the glamour covers anything on our bodies.
The commander orc grabs the wooden skewer with the cooked Needlekruegar snake, he starts chomping his yellow blackened canines on it. I'm going to be ill. "Ye best be glad ye ain't empty handed. The king sensed portal opening and sent dis quadrant to bring in the trespasser, king said it may be a spring fae. Ye dim-witted chupacabra's shites follow back wit dis quadrant. Da king need to be aware of findings. Get dis back." His horrid voice booms in-between his large chomping bites as pieces of meat spittle out of his mouth. The commander orc points to the backpack and its contents scattered on the floor, "Ye daft moron! Get dis!" The ugly Satan mongrel yells at me. Gritting my teeth, I walk to the backpack and start picking up the items and throwing them in the backpack, perhaps with more force than strictly needed. I look up to see Creusa gl
aring at me, the commander orc and the surrounding orcs are looking at me peculiarly. "Ye strange." The orc commander says with the snake forgotten. Crap, not good, he really was gnawing on that snake. Why did he stop? "Come ye here." he commands. Creusa stands into his line of vision, "Dis moron ate de bloodberry thinkin' it was dee elderberry. He ain't been right since den. We follow ye to kingdom." The orc commander seemingly believes her, with a last glare at me he walks past the camp resuming his uncouth chomping on our leftover snake. The orc quadrant follows behind him with a two remaining to ensure we get in formation, damn butt kissing orcs. Sneaking out of this formation won’t be easy with these two dingleberries. It's currently headed straight to the king, I doubt warrior orcs have fainting spells, needing to fan themselves on a chaise to recover. Health diversion is out. We might need to fight our way out but there must be about sixty warrior orcs, they just kept coming out of the forest trailing the commander like his little litter of baby duckies. Each look just as terrifying as the commander. The more concerning part is that the night king sensed my spring magic, if he meets me in person, he will know I'm half night fae and half spring fae, just like Creusa did. Considering he is looking for his rumored lost spring and night hybrid child, it'll be like getting caught with my hand in the cookie jar and cookie crumbs smeared all over my face. Oy vey. And why did he say 'chupacabra's shite', are they real? I want to believe.