by Kat Mizera
“Some. Not a black belt or anything, but I can hold my own.”
“You’re educated, well-cultured, and well-traveled, with above-average intelligence. You’re in good physical shape and have a solid head on your shoulders. Everything else you might need can be taught.”
“You make this sound so easy.”
“This, my friend, is the easy part. You’ve already lived through the hard part.”
“If I agree to this, I want a guarantee that my son and his mother will be protected. I don’t care how or where or what it costs, but their lives are the only things that matter now.”
“You’ve put your cousin with Casey and Luke. They’re safe.”
I hated hearing their names on his lips but something caught my attention, the way he talked about Sandor, as if he knew something.
“You got to Sandor, didn’t you?” I asked, squinting slightly.
“We didn’t get to him. We offered to give him a new identity and a new life. He took it.”
“Is Joe Westfield CIA?”
“Not anymore. He’s chosen to go the private route, but he made the introductions because he understood that this is a good thing. No one’s putting a gun to your head, Erik. We just want to help. Do we want inside information on the inner workings in Limaj? Hell yes, we do. But not for nefarious reasons. We want essentially what you want—for peace and stability in that region of the world. We don’t like Anwar any more than you do.”
“That’s a relief, I guess,” I murmured.
“Think about it. Finish physical therapy, get mentally strong again, spend time at the hotel under this assumed name and background we’ve cooked up for you, and let’s talk in six months. What do you say?”
In spite of everything, I liked him. He seemed straightforward and didn’t try to blow smoke up my ass. I appreciated that more than anything.
“In the meantime, Casey…”
“Don’t worry, Your Highness.” He smiled wryly. “We know all bets are off if anything happens to her or the baby. We’re on it. If you trust nothing else I say, trust that.”
I didn’t have much choice, so I merely nodded, but I had one more request. “And I want to see my son.”
He paused what he was doing, glancing at me questioningly.
“In person. It has to be within the year, before he’s talking or can tell anyone. Obviously. Sandor can make it happen on the Las Vegas end, but I need to get in and out of town surreptitiously.”
“Once you’ve made your decision, I can help with this.”
“I’ll talk with you soon.” I turned and walked out of the room. I’d already made my decision. I just hadn’t come to terms with it yet.
10
Casey
I’d just gotten back from letting Sandor kick my ass all over the gym when my phone rang. I reached for it with one hand while cuddling Luke with the other, and barked out a breathless greeting.
“Casey, it’s Mom.”
Mom sounded odd and I paused mid-step. “What’s wrong?”
“Your father’s in the hospital. I was hoping you could come.”
“What happened?” I gasped.
“I’ll explain when you get here.” She gave me the hospital and room number, and hung up.
I immediately called Nick. “Can you keep an eye on the baby until the nanny gets here? My dad’s in the hospital.”
“What?”
I told him the little bit I knew and he hurried up to our suite, telling me to go and not to worry about Luke. After showering in record time, I sped off the Strip toward the suburban hospital with Sandor at my side. He hated when I drove, but that was too bad; it was my Corvette and I’d drive it if I wanted to. I’d stopped letting him boss me around of late, and though I was still cognizant of anything that had to do with Luke, when it was just me, I didn’t feel quite so vulnerable anymore. I don’t think he liked my new attitude, but he seemed to be putting up with it.
Once inside, I found myself in the oncology wing and Mom met me in the hallway outside the room number she’d given me.
“What’s going on?” I demanded, looking around. “This is oncology—what’s happened?”
“Your father wants to tell you everything,” she said quietly. “Go on in. I’m going to get a cup of coffee—I’ve been here all night.”
I spun around and went inside, surprised to see my father looking pale and older than I ever remembered seeing him. His graying dark hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and he wore a traditional hospital gown. There was an IV in his arm and he seemed to be asleep, but his eyes opened when I approached the bed. He reached out to take my hand and smiled.
“Hi, baby.”
“Dad, what’s happened?” I leaned over to kiss his cheek.
“Well, sweetie, I’ve got cancer and—”
“What do you mean, you have cancer?” I cried. “How long has this been going on?”
“It’s been a year,” he said softly. “I didn’t want you to know.”
“What?” I couldn’t help but gape at him.
“We found out last summer, and then we wanted to wait until after the wedding. There just hasn’t been a good time since all of this happened. You’ve had enough to worry about.” He sighed. “They did surgery while you were away last summer with Erik. Everything looked good, so we thought we didn’t need to tell you. We found out back in April that the surgery and radiation weren’t working, but we didn’t want to say anything that might upset you while you were pregnant.” He squeezed my hand. “It’s back, I guess, and it’s spread.”
“Oh my god.” I sank into a chair and looked at him with fear-filled eyes. “Dad. How could you keep this from me? I should have been there for you and—”
“But, honey, you have been!” He smiled. “You hang out at the studio and you spend time at the house with us. Then you gave me the coolest gift ever: Luke. I mean, do you have any idea how much pleasure I’ve had spending time with that beautiful baby of yours? It’s even cooler than having you, ‘cause at night I get to give him back.”
I laughed softly, wiping the tears from my eyes. “Oh, Daddy.”
“So the doctors are going to try chemo, see if that buys me some time, but now I have to get some things in order.”
“Don’t say that,” I whispered.
“Baby, I’ve had a great life.” He looked toward the window reminiscently. “I was a huge star, playing music all over the world and selling millions of records. I had a lot of beautiful women and I married the most awesome woman in the whole world. Then she gave me this tiny, blue-eyed angel who just lit up my whole life. And now you’ve given me another blue-eyed angel/devil who just wraps me around his little finger. I’ve had money and trips and sex and family and everything I’ve ever wanted. Now, if it’s time for me to go, I need to make sure the people I love are taken care of.”
“Dad, we’re fine, you shouldn’t think about anything but getting better.”
“You’re not fine,” he interrupted sternly. “You don’t love Nick, not the way you should, and he doesn’t love you. I don’t know how long it takes to get over losing someone you loved the way you loved Erik, but I won’t be able to rest unless I know you’ve found someone who deserves you—and who fills that void.”
“I can’t even think about that,” I whispered softly. “I have to heal and make myself happy first. Do you understand that?”
“Of course I do, but I want you to promise me, no matter what, you’re not going to stay with Nick for more than a couple of years—you deserve happiness, and I refuse to die before you promise to go looking for it.”
“I promise,” I whispered, biting my lip.
“And you have to promise to take care of your mother. Not on a daily basis, but emotionally. You’ve always been like my other half, and while I know you love your mother, she’s still a mystery to you, and that worries me too. Your mother could only ever count on two people her whole life: me and you. I need to know that when I’m gone, you’re g
oing to be there for your mom. She needs to be confident that there are people that love her and would do anything for her. She never had it growing up, and there are scars she never wanted you to see. This is important to me, baby—I want you to get to know your mother like you know me.”
“I thought I did,” I protested weakly.
“You know the things a daughter should know, with bits and pieces of her past, but you need to know it all, and understand the pain that sits deep in her heart. Otherwise, you’ll never be able to make sure she stays strong. Your mother needed me in some ways, but she fulfilled me in others. She gave me things I never knew I wanted, and now that I have to leave her, I need to make sure she always has what she needs.”
“Okay. Whatever you need, Dad.”
“Everything else is taken care of. The house and all of our money automatically reverts to your mother, but since you and I own the studio together, that will be all yours. Your mother wants no part of it anyway, and I know you’ll do what’s best.”
“Oh, Dad.”
“And one more thing.”
“What?”
“I want you to go back to playing music. Since Viktim split up and you’ve been dealing with the craziness in your life, you’ve been struggling. You’ve become a shell of yourself, and I miss the rock star in my daughter. She’s awesome. So are you, but when you get into rock star mode, you’re out of this world, and music-lovers everywhere should not be denied your talent.”
“I will,” I said, squeezing his hand. “I will, don’t worry.”
“Okay, now go get your mother and let’s make a game plan for however long I’ve got left.”
“Dad, I don’t—”
“Shh.” He shook his head. “The more you think about it, the more miserable it seems. Take it day by day, and don’t overload on thinking.”
“Okay.” I turned toward the door blindly, tears flooding my eyes and pain ripping through me once again. I couldn’t lose my dad; it was inconceivable. I needed my family more than ever and this was too much, but I couldn’t let myself spiral; too many people were counting on me.
I stumbled into the hallway where Mom was sipping a cup of coffee and we looked at each other for a long moment. “I’m sorry,” Mom said hesitantly. “Your dad wouldn’t let me tell you. He’s been so worried about you.”
“I know.” I just looked at her. “But what are we going to do now?”
“Everything we can to keep him around for a while.” Mom’s eyes filled with tears. “He wants to spend every possible second with you and the baby.”
“Of course.” I wiped my face. “God, I feel like I’ve just been hit by the broad side of a Mack truck.”
“It’s been a year since I found out, and I still feel the same way,” Mom whispered, reaching out to hug me. “But we can’t let your dad see that—it really bothers him that he’s the reason we’re upset, so we need to suck it up, okay?”
“I can if you can.”
“Okay.” Mom wiped her face. “Ready?”
“Ready.” Arm in arm, we went back inside, leaving Sandor standing guard in the hallway.
With yet another blow to my already fragile emotions, I tried to respect my dad’s wishes and not overthink everything. Still reeling from Erik’s death, I wasn’t able to focus on my father’s illness too much or it brought on anxiety, so instead I spent as much time with him as possible, hoping the chemo would work. The research I’d done on lung cancer didn’t make me feel better and I couldn’t imagine losing my father so I thought about other things as much as I could. Music, in particular, since I loved it and he wanted me to go back to it. Between spending more time at the studio while Dad was getting treatment, taking care of Luke, and my schedule at school, I didn’t want to do anything else that might overwhelm me.
Writing music seemed to be how I relieved stress at the moment, and tonight I was working on another song. It felt like everything pouring out of me was full of pain and the music coming from my fingers told a story I wasn’t able to articulate verbally; instead, I let the music speak from my soul. This song, simply entitled “Whisper of Sin,” was edgier than “Nowhere Left to Fall,” but still heartbreakingly poignant, and I wasn’t sure if it was helping or hurting, but I couldn’t stop.
You said my name in a whisper
And I heard words you didn’t even know
It was just a simple whisper
But I knew you were going to go
Somewhere far away, far from me
Somewhere in the night I couldn’t see…
Don’t leave me alone, ’cause I can’t stay here
Don’t leave me alone, baby, it’s crystal clear
Don’t leave me alone, I need your sin
If you leave now, don’t come back again…
Lost without the whispers
Of your name in the night
If you’re really leaving now
You know I can’t even fight
But don’t go too far, far away from me
Somewhere so far I’ll never be able to see…
Don’t leave me alone, ’cause I can’t stay here
Don’t leave me alone, baby, it’s crystal clear
Don’t leave me alone, I need your sin
If you leave now, don’t come back again…
11
Erik
I didn’t know what I’d been expecting, but being shuffled into the Charleston Hotel in the middle of the day through a kitchen entrance was both depressing and degrading. Knowing Casey was close, probably just a few floors away, was almost more than I could stand, but I’d had to make that sacrifice and I would make it again if I had to, no matter how much it hurt. Today was about something else. Today I got to meet my son. It would probably be the only time, and I had to steel myself for both the most fulfilling and heart-wrenching event of my life.
“Hey, cuz.” Sandor came through the door of the room the CIA had reserved, holding a baby in his arms.
“Sandor.” I hugged him—both of them—and our eyes met for a moment before I looked down.
The sight of my son’s face nearly undid me. I’d never reacted to anything like this in my life and the tears that scratched my eyes caught me off guard. He was beautiful, so perfect I had a hard time looking at him. He squirmed in Sandor’s arms, twisting to look back at me, and his beautiful blue eyes sought mine. There was no fear, merely an intense mutual curiosity. I held out my arms, waiting to see what he would do; he was only four months old, after all. Surprisingly, he came to me willingly, nestling into my chest and making gurgling sounds.
“He’s a happy baby,” Sandor said softly.
“How long do I have?”
“About two hours. Casey’s at the hospital with Lucas so it’ll be—”
“Lucas is in the hospital?”
Sandor told me about the cancer, and my heart burned with pain for the uncle I’d grown up with and for Casey, who was undoubtedly devastated. Again.
“Is she alone?”
“No. Chains is with her. I asked him to come to town so I could see you and stay with the baby without compromising her safety.”
“I appreciate that.”
I stared at my son again for what felt like hours, even if it was just minutes.
“How is she holding up?” I finally asked.
Sandor gave me a strange look. “Let’s not talk about her, okay?”
“Why the fuck not?” I met his gaze without hesitation.
“How do you think she is?” he demanded. “She lost the love of her life and was publicly humiliated for cheating on him. She’s mourning, but couldn’t even attend your memorial service, and she’s still struggling to wake up and put one foot in front of the other. Watching her breaks my fucking heart. Okay? Is that what you want to hear?”
I frowned. “Are you… Do you…” I cleared my throat, trying to ascertain what he was telling me. “Are you starting to have feelings for her?”
He laughed, but it was without humor.
“Yeah, dumbass. I care about her like a cousin, a sister…family. You don’t see it because she doesn’t go out much, and when she does, she avoids the press, but she’s lost so much damn weight it’s scary. She’s pale, and the light that made her so much of who she is has been put out. So yeah, it’s hard to watch her wasting away from missing you.”
Luke started to fuss, and I instinctively put him on my shoulder, jiggling him slightly. He was without a doubt the most perfect child ever born and I hated the idea of never holding him again. Almost as much as I hated thinking about Casey suffering. Or worse, moving on. But she had to. I knew this now. I’d waffled with the idea of what to do because I didn’t want to let her go completely, but our paths were clear and they were as disparate as any could possibly be.
“I’m going to join the CIA,” I said finally. “They’re giving me a new identity and I’m going to work with Liz in Europe. Hopefully, we’ll be able to gather intel on the revolution in Limaj while doing whatever else is assigned.” I paused. “They think we should get married.”
“Married?” Sandor stared at me like I’d grown a second head and I hated the look on his face. “Whose idea was that?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged, staring down into my son’s beautiful face so I wouldn’t have to engage with the anger on Sandor’s. “Does it matter? It’s a marriage of convenience. Nothing more. You can’t think I have feelings for her beyond friendship? Anyway, as a couple we can cover a lot of ground together and once I’m introduced with a different name, no one will think twice about my presence.”
“She’s Nick’s aunt!” Sandor exploded. “And his family knows what you look like.”
“She’s going to tell them she married a fellow agent at the CIA and I’m going to be conveniently unavailable if and when they come to visit. We’re working on a plan with all those contingencies.”
“This is ludicrous.”
Shit. I’d never seen Sandor so angry with me. I understood, but I didn’t. When had his loyalty shifted? Okay, maybe that was unfair. Protecting Casey and Luke were the ultimate goals, and that’s what he was doing, so perhaps it wasn’t loyalty so much as a slow eroding of the bond we’d always shared. His priority was now Casey, so anything that hurt her—including me—was going to rub him the wrong way. It was going to take time for me to get used to that, but I would, because I had to. Just as I had to let her go.