by Kat Mizera
“Oh, honey, I’m sorry.” He pulled me to the couch and gently rubbed my back. “When?”
“In his sleep overnight,” I whispered. “I can’t believe he’s gone, Nick. I can’t believe—”
“Nick, who was at the door?” Skye came out of the bedroom clad in nothing but a skimpy robe, her hair tousled and her face devoid of makeup. She stopped abruptly.
“Lucas passed away last night,” he said softly.
“I’m sorry,” she said automatically. She came to the couch and sat on the other side of me, gently reaching out to take my hand. “I’m so sorry, Casey. He was a wonderful man, and I know my father loved him like a brother.”
“Your parents are with my mother right now,” I said numbly. “I came to the hotel for something, but I can’t remember what it is…”
“Sasha?” Nick suggested lightly.
“Oh!” My tearful eyes widened. “Shit. We have to tell Sasha and Luke.”
“Let me take a quick shower and get dressed, and we’ll go up together, okay? Can you sit with Skye while I get ready? Give me ten minutes.”
I just nodded. Skye reached out and hugged me. My eyes closed and I rested my head on her shoulder. I was so grief-stricken, again, but I had to think about my mother, my kids, everyone but myself.
True to his word, Nick was out in less than ten minutes, and Skye went to shower and dress while we took the elevator up to Nicky and Tricia’s penthouse. Sasha was eating breakfast with them and Luke. Luke’s hair was full of oatmeal and applesauce and Tricia seemed to be wearing almost as much as he was. He was still such a messy eater and it usually made me laugh. Not today, though.
Nick caught his mother’s eye and she quickly got up, reaching for a towel to clean up Luke with as she greeted us.
“Hey, guys. As you can see, breakfast has been slightly harried.”
Sasha spotted me and jumped up happily. “What are you doing here so early? Hi, Daddy! What’s going on? Why are you guys—” She stopped abruptly. “It’s Grandpa, isn’t it? He died, didn’t he?” Her pretty face screwed up angrily. “Dammit, he’s dead, isn’t he?”
“Yes,” I reached for her but Sasha moved away.
“Why does everyone keep dying?” she demanded. “I hate it—I hate it!”
“I’m sorry, honey. Grandpa didn’t want to die but he was very sick.”
“I hate him.” She sank onto the couch and folded her arms across her chest.
“I know you don’t mean that,” I said gently, sitting beside her. “It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to cry. I’d prefer if you didn’t say ‘dammit,’ though.”
“I’m sorry.” Her face dropped.
“Do you want to go back to the house or would you rather stay here with Grandma Tricia?”
“I want to stay with Grandma Tricia.” Sasha unexpectedly got up and ran to her, burying her face in her chest.
I was a little heartbroken by Sasha’s reluctance to come with me, and Nick probably sensed it because he slid an arm around my shoulders.
“She’s upset,” he whispered softly. “Why don’t you leave her and Luke here with us and go do what you need to do.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I said. “I’m lost.”
“Your mother needs you,” he said quietly. “Go home. I’ll be over later, okay? Do you want me to bring Luke home this afternoon or would you rather be alone?”
“Actually, I’d rather have him with me. I need his sweet face to remind me that I still have a lot to live for and I think he’ll cheer up my mom too.”
“I’ll bring him by a little later, okay? Call me if you need anything.”
“Okay.” I turned, fumbling for my keys.
“Promise you’ll call if you get too overwhelmed or anything?”
“Promise.” I squeezed his hand, kissed both the baby and Sasha, and then went to the car where Sandor was waiting. I started the ignition and sat for a moment, unsure what to do. Finally, I pulled out my phone and dialed the one number that gave me a little hope.
“Yo.” Jayson sounded sleepy despite the fact that it was nearly one o’clock in New York.
“Hey, it’s me.”
“Hey.” Jayson yawned. “What’s going on?”
“My dad’s gone.”
“Oh, honey.” He took a breath. “Do you want me to come?”
“Can you?”
“When’s the funeral?”
“He’s being cremated, but the memorial service will probably be Tuesday.”
“I can be on a flight in the morning.”
“Can you come today? I’ll buy your ticket if I can find one.”
“I can afford the ticket.”
“I know, but I’d like to buy it—will you come today?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll call you back.” I got out of the car and walked back into the hotel. Nick’s Aunt Kristen had been in charge of the concierge at the hotel for years; she knew every travel agent in town. If there was a flight to be had, Kristen would take care of it.
Mom was dozing on the couch, and Uncle Ben and Aunt Kari were in the kitchen helping me clean up after a long day of visitors, food and flower deliveries, and phone calls. Nick had brought Sasha and Luke over earlier and had put Luke to bed while Mom and I talked to Sasha. Nick had been gone less than ten minutes when a limousine pulled up in front of the house. I put down my dish towel and ran out to meet Jayson, my feet bare despite how cold it was outside. He hugged me tightly, kissing the top of my head. “Hey, baby. How are you?”
“Hanging in there,” I said. “And much better now that you’re here.”
He took his bag from the chauffeur and we walked into the house together. He greeted everyone and hugged Mom.
“Why don’t you take your bag upstairs?” I told him. “Are you hungry?”
“I could eat.” He smiled.
“He’s very sweet,” Aunt Kari said when he went upstairs.
“He is,” I agreed.
“Come, my love.” Uncle Ben took his wife’s hand and then leaned over to kiss my cheek. “Kari and I are going home, but she’ll be here tomorrow bright and early to help out. I don’t think your mother is ready to be alone yet.”
“I won’t leave her alone, and besides, the kids are here so she’ll have no choice but to function.”
They left and I sank into a chair, burying my face in my hands. A moment later I felt Jayson’s hands gently kneading my shoulders. “Oh, that feels nice,” I said with a moan.
“Come on.” He held out his hand and I frowned.
“Where?”
“To bed. You look like death warmed over, and I’m putting you to bed.”
We walked through the living room and Mom was no longer on the couch but I heard voices coming from Sasha’s room. We tiptoed slowly up the stairs and I held a finger up to my lips as we paused outside the room.
“Can I sleep with you tonight, Grandma?” Sasha was asking her.
“Sure, sweetheart. Let’s get your teeth brushed and we’ll go lie down.”
Jayson pulled me into my room and closed the door, guiding me to the bed.
“I thought you were hungry?”
“I could eat, but I’d rather hold you.”
I smiled, pulling off my sweatshirt and lying on my stomach in nothing but my underwear and a tank top. Jayson straddled me and slowly began massaging my tight muscles.
“Fuck, that feels good,” I murmured.
“Just close your eyes and relax,” he whispered. “Let me take care of you tonight.”
“We need to talk about—”
“Plenty of time to talk tomorrow. You need to rest.”
“Thank you for coming,” I said with a sigh of relief.
“You’re welcome. Thanks for the first-class ticket.”
“No problem.” I closed my eyes. His hands were strong and comforting, and for the first time in weeks I felt the stress draining from my body. Without even realizing it, I drifted off to sleep.
W
hen I woke in the morning, I smelled something delicious coming from downstairs and heard Luke banging on something in the kitchen. Yawning lazily, I stretched and looked at the clock in surprise. I’d fallen asleep around ten and it was now after eight. I almost never slept ten hours, so I got up guiltily. Hurriedly getting dressed, I bounded down the stairs, unsure what to expect. However, everything appeared to be progressing as usual. Luke was in his high chair, making a mess, Mom was buttering toast for Sasha, and Jayson was sipping a steaming mug of coffee as Aunt Kari tried in vain to keep Luke from shooting Cheerios across the room.
“Good morning.” I smiled. “Someone should have woken me!”
“You needed your rest,” Mom said, turning. “Besides, I had plenty of help. Sasha heard Luke wake up and she went and got him for me, and then Marisol arrived so I had time for a quick shower. By the time I got out, Jayson was up and Kari was here, so I sent Marisol to the store for a few things, and we decided to let you sleep.”
“Thanks.” I smiled over at Jayson and he winked. I poured a cup of coffee and joined them at the table.
“Nick called,” Mom said. “He said he would be by this afternoon.”
“Okay.”
“And Kristen and Tricia are planning the service in the ballroom at the Charleston. Tomorrow night at six. Is that okay?”
“Of course.” I looked at my mother closely, noting how pale she was. “Mom, what do you need me to do?”
“Nothing, sweetheart. We’ve known this was coming for a while, so everything was done months ago, except the memorial service, obviously. Your dad took care of everything else.” Her lower lip trembled slightly and she took a deep breath.
“Grandma, are you okay?” Sasha hugged her tightly and Mom managed to nod.
“I’m fine, honey. I’m just a little sad.”
“Grandpa told me you were going to be sad and he said I was supposed to cheer you up.”
“Well, you’re doing a good job so far.” Mom managed to smile.
It was a quiet afternoon. Sasha was glued to her grandmother’s side, Aunt Kari went home for a few hours, and Marisol was entertaining Luke.
“Casey, why don’t you and Jayson take a ride or something?” Mom suggested after lunch. “There’s no reason for you to stay cooped up in the house, and the kids and I are fine. Get some fresh air. You look like you need it.”
I glanced at Jayson. “You want to go for a ride?”
He nodded. “Sure.”
“You want to drive?” I dangled my keys in front of him.
“Duh.” He snatched them out of my hand and got into my Corvette with a grin. “Damn, she’s beautiful.”
“How’d you know it’s a she?” I asked, getting in the passenger side.
“I don’t know. It felt like a she.”
“Well, you’re right. It’s a she.” He really did get me. Hopefully, he’d still like me after I told him what was on my mind.
For a while we were silent and I let him enjoy the car since it was fun to drive. After a few minutes he reached out and took my hand, holding it in his lap.
“How are you doing?” he asked at last.
“You mean about Dad?”
“I don’t know. Your dad. Us. Life in general.”
“Hell, I don’t know. I guess I don’t completely believe Dad is really gone—it doesn’t feel real yet. I’m worried about my mother and I can’t even imagine what it’s going to be like going back to the studio knowing he’ll never be there again.”
“That sounds pretty normal.” He paused. “What about single motherhood?”
“That’s actually been easy. Marisol helps with them forty hours a week, and then Nick and his parents spend a lot of time with both Luke and Sasha on the weekends, plus my mom and Aunt Kari are always doing stuff with them. I have babysitters available, both paid and free, so the kids don’t really affect things I have to do. I love spending time with them—they make me realize I’m still alive even when things around me seem to be falling apart.”
“Okay, then I guess the final question is about Erik. How are you feeling about your progress in the grieving process?”
I sighed heavily. “You know, I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I’m lying in bed at night and I hear his voice—I can remember, in detail, the things we talked about when we were falling in love. I can tell you word for word some of the things he said, how it felt to be together. And then, just like that—” I snapped my fingers, “—he was gone. It’s so unfair. That’s what pisses me off the most.”
“It doesn’t make sense to me either,” he agreed softly.
“But I’ve taken time to process all of that, to think about it all and to figure out what I want going forward.”
“Which is?”
“Music. A home. A family. To fall in love again.”
“It will come,” he responded softly. “You know, my dad died when I was ten, and my mom was so lost and sad. She had us kids keeping her busy, and she had to work, but she was so lonely. Sometimes I’d get up, after my younger sisters were in bed, and I’d sit on the floor by her chair and she would just talk to me…about all kinds of things. Somehow, even as a little kid, I knew she just needed to know someone was there, and I think that’s what you’re missing. Someone to be there for you. I know you have friends and family, but they’re all living their own lives and their pain isn’t like yours… So I want you to know that I’ll be here for you, Casey. No matter how long it takes—I’ll be here.”
I turned to look at him, wondering how I’d gotten so lucky with a guy like him. “Thank you. That means a lot to me.”
“You mean a lot to me.”
“You want to stop somewhere and eat?” I asked, breaking the intimacy of the moment because I had a lot more on my mind than he knew.
“Sure.” He nodded.
I directed him to a quaint Mexican restaurant I liked and we were seated in the back, where it was quiet and mostly deserted since the lunch rush was over.
“You look like you want to talk about something,” he said softly.
“Yeah.” I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly.
“Wow, that sounds serious.” He met my gaze curiously. “What’s wrong, honey?”
“I’m pregnant.”
33
Erik
Winter was long and wet that year, keeping me inside more than usual and Leni sick more often than not. The doctor said she was generally healthy, but it was possible her biological mother’s pregnancy had been difficult, possibly giving her a compromised immune system. Liz was a good mom, but guilt ate at her because she craved the danger of her job as much as she loved being with Leni, so she was constantly torn. I, on the other hand, had gotten used to being at home. A single dad a lot of the time, my weekends were spent either nursing a sick baby, taking her for walks in the park or swimming lessons in the indoor pool. Though I oversaw security at the hotel—I was the boss, so to speak—and we had weekly meetings. The rest of the time, I made the rounds when it was busy, but they knew their jobs well, leaving me very little to do.
The good thing about this is it gave me time to study. I spent hours, sometimes half the night, pouring over intelligence reports about Limaj. I had no idea what, if anything, they would help me do, but it was comforting to feel like I had a handle on some aspect of my life.
I listened to a lot of music too. I knew the Pretty Harts album backward and forward, something that would have made Casey laugh. It was a great album. My personal favorite song was “Whisper of Sin,” and I listened to it so much even Leni knew the words and melody now, much to Liz’s chagrin. There weren’t any curse words in it, though, so I figured there was nothing wrong with her singing about love. Even if it was about sex and broken hearts.
It was a rainy weekend in late February when a news report flashed across the screen. It was in French, but since I spoke the language, I had no trouble understanding. In some ways, I wished I hadn’t.
“Sources tell us that late
yesterday, in Las Vegas, rock star Casey Hart, daughter of the late legendary guitarist Lucas Hart, announced her pregnancy. The vocalist of her new band, Pretty Harts, is Jayson Keller, and the two have confirmed they’re having twins. This is the second pregnancy for Hart, who has a son with hotelier and former bandmate, Nick Kingsley...”
Oh, fuck, that hurt. I took a deep breath, grateful no one could see what was probably sheer grief on my face.
She was having another baby.
Not mine.
Fuck fuck fuck.
I couldn’t let anyone know how much this hurt. I was past this. I was. No one would ever know otherwise.
I switched off the TV, unwilling to hear any more or watch the pictures flashing across the screen. It was inevitable that there would be a picture of her and me—someone always dug one up and it gutted me every time, so I avoided watching. I also had no desire to see her with the new man in her life. Fuck. Why hadn’t Sandor told me it had gotten serious with this guy? I had no doubt Sandor had checked him out thoroughly, but it still bugged the shit out of me. I’d resigned myself to life without her, and I wanted her to be happy, but having it smack me in the face was hard.
The fact that I was married didn’t matter—it still sucked.
I almost laughed when I saw an unknown number flash across the screen of my phone—that could only be my father or Sandor.
“Hello?”
“Hey.”
Sandor. Calling to pacify me?
“Hey yourself.”
“I’m guessing you heard the news?”
“Yup.”
“You okay?”
“Of course. I want her to be happy. Is she happy?”
“I think so?” Sandor sounded tired. “It’s hard to tell with her and morning sickness has hit her hard this time, so she’s pretty miserable at the moment.”
“I’m glad for her,” I said. “Not about the morning sickness, but as long as he’s a good guy… She deserves happiness.” Sandor would know something was up if I didn’t at least put in a little disclaimer.
“You think I’d let her get serious with someone who wasn’t?”
“Like you could stop her from getting pregnant?”