Chapter 4
The Hero
To resolve this paradox, we need to build a picture of the alternative to the one who would unmistakeably lead to an unfavourable alliance. Yes, we need a ‘Mr Darcy’ character.
What does the image of the modern hero look like? What goals govern his day? What values does his behaviour exhibit? Are we expecting too much from our men?
I have another memory which gives me hope, which reassures me that my views are not unrealistic, that the revolution has failed to completely overthrow the former order of things. A few years ago, I stopped in to a coffee shop for lunch. I spotted a retired missionary from church, who invited me to join him. We chatted away until he excused himself. He had to visit his wife who was in hospital. After he went to the cashier to pay his bill, he stopped by my table to tell me that he had settled my bill as well. I was touched. I felt honoured. On another occasion, his wife still in hospital, we were both invited to dinner at the Pastor’s house. He gave me a lift home, opening the door for me as I entered and exited his car. It was extraordinary. It had never happened to me. He carried these acts out with grace and ease. No awkwardness or embarrassment in evidence. Having spent most of his life as a missionary in Africa, the revolution had passed him by. For this, I am thankful.
As mentioned in the last chapter, I consider biology to dictate behaviour. Further to this claim, I consider male behaviour to be similarly determined.
When I was younger, I found boys to be mysterious. As I got older, I began to consider men to be an incomprehensible mix of the dangerous and irritating. A caricature of a sex crazed and sports mad segment of the population, unable to overcome baser instincts.
Why do they spend hours in front of the television watching sport? What draws them to violent video games? Why that barely contained gleam of excitement as that head off to spend hours at the hardware store? What is that strange equipment in the garage? The devices and tools? Cars are another perplexing issue. To my way of thinking, they are tools to take one to and from locations. I remember driving with my husband, Iwan, on a day trip to Katoomba, in the Blue Mountains, west of Sydney. I had all sorts of expectations about the trip. Bush walking, art galleries, an intimate lunch, visiting gardens which were open to the public. For Iwan the focus seemed to be the journey. I was disappointed that the trip to and from took over four hours. The actual time we spent at Katoomba was less than an hour.
Male social gatherings are different from those of women’s. They regale each other with tales of past exploits. Recalling events in which they all partook, they seem to work at keeping a sense of group solidarity alive. When the gathering is a mixed one, the men seem to splinter off and form a huddle around the barbecue or some other ‘male’ domain.
In my opinion, current male behaviour reflects an intrinsic drive. It is not cultural as it seems that certain behaviours are exhibited that reflect foundational drives.
In examining sport, we can observe that it is connected in some way to combat. In the case of video games, the game is enhanced if the participant ‘plays’ with an opponent online. Sport, in my view, is repeatedly engaged in as a way of training the individual and the team in preparation for war. The social engagement, the telling and retelling of stories engenders group solidarity. This solidarity is important in times of war. The enemy may be ultimately defeated by brute force alone, but it is understood that teamwork is essential for developing a winning strategy. The importance of confidence in one’s fellow combatants must be reinforced. Hence, the male bonding ritual.
The remembrance by the senior members of the tribe, community or country, of past events is essential to provide a sense of identity. A context is revealed which gives guidance to understanding the present and a means by which future community direction is formulated. In Australia, we recall Anzac Day every year. The stories of past conflict and the means by which challenges to the community were overcome are retold and re-examined for any new insights which serve the interests of the future of the community.
Equipment is important to the warrior. Whether he be an Arthurian Knight or modern day SAS soldier, a man is constantly testing, refining and updating the tools he requires for combat. Here we come to understand why cars are so important. They reflect this drive to be in possession of the best possible equipment. To be able to attack and withdraw from combat swiftly is essential. Manoeuvring a car swiftly, pushing it to the limits of its capacity, darting in and out of lanes and being able to be the first to take off on the green light is frowned upon by most of us. If caught by police, the offender will be warned and perhaps booked for reckless driving. Yet this is what it is all about. When young men gather after dark in paddocks for what the Australian male describes as ‘paddock bashing’, and in city car parks, deserted suburban streets for impromptu races and burnouts, it is in reality a response to this basic drive to be a man.
Other appliances are deemed necessary to engender a sense of orderliness. A lawnmower and chainsaw denote that a man is in control of his domain. Refrigerators keep food from spoiling and so protect women and children from preventable illness. The list goes on. Though, I will not labour the point.
One thing I recall about Iwan is that he was usually engrossed in reading the newspaper. I would catch the train or bus to work and, whilst the women read magazines, most of the men read newspapers. This is important. A man needs to know about the environment. The lay of the social, economic and international landscape. Where are potential threats to the tribe, the nation? In this way, he can develop strategies with other men around the water cooler or coffee machine.
Training for combat and development of strategy through the exchange of follow up during ritual, are the foundation for the protection of the tribe or nation. Maintenance of equipment enhances a man’s ability to bring about this goal. The ultimate necessity for this behaviour is to create a safe haven for females and children. So now, we have a broadening of the claim that biology dictates behaviour.
Performance is another important aspect of what a man needs to evaluate. We have looked at the importance of evaluating the performance of equipment. Yet the equipment is useless if the individual fails to direct his energies appropriately. There is a tendency amongst men to measure themselves according to how they view other men’s achievements. It is necessary and, I will say, of the utmost importance that a man’s performance is measured. This is how men can determine what improvements need to be made for the continued protection of women and children, of the tribe or village or nation. This presents the potential for conflict. It is often the case that men have failed to contextualise their competitive drives. They appear in some cases to have forgotten the legitimate reason for competition. They compete for the sake of competition. To win ensures an enviable reputation where the need to woo women becomes unnecessary.
This behaviour is viewed by many women as inexplicable and irritating. Instead of a romantic drive in the country, she is asked to record the fuel consumption in a little booklet. Charming little cafés offering fascinating menus are passed by in quest of more economic, basic establishments. A meandering scenic route is rejected in favour a faster three lane highway suggested by the irritating female voice of the Global Positioning Satellite. It is also evident that some women do not accept that men should behave this way. A focus on competition with other men can drain a man’s time and energy to the detriment of family life. A failure by women to encourage a man’s competitiveness will ultimately undermine that family’s integrity. Other women are attracted to the successful ‘winning’ male. He is perhaps subconsciously deemed a worthy mate. In reality, the coupling of these individuals may be doomed to failure as the excessive pursuit of further competition may lead to interpersonal conflict.
As discussed, men have an intrinsic sense that they are responsible for the protection of women and children. They carry this out by establishing a peaceful social environment. To do this, they engage in activities which build skills and teamwork. Simula
ted combat via video games, sport and pastimes such as chess all contribute to a man’s sense of preparedness for any eventuality. In addition, they test and evaluate the efficacy of equipment to ensure that they have cutting edge technology capable of fending off an aggressor. Continual performance evaluation allows a sense of readiness and confidence in themselves, their cause and their companions in arms. In addition, intergenerational security is ensured by the preparation for young men and boys for the role of warrior. Values are instilled and skills developed by fathers, uncles and other family friends who undertake the responsibility for the early development of these boys. The significance of this involvement is crucial.
There are certain rites of passage which involve a testing of the young man. Once this testing is accomplished, the boy is recognised as having reached manhood with all the rights and responsibilities that are accorded such status. A ritual is usually devised, whereby the initiate is acknowledged by the community as having reached manhood.
At its most basic, the ritual of initiation involves the shedding of blood. This reflects an intrinsic understanding that all combat, all conflict may result in the death of an opponent and possibly the death of oneself. Hunting may be viewed as a stylised form of combat. The quarry is the enemy and must be hunted down and killed. The ritual of ‘blooding’ then takes place where the initiate is smeared with the blood of the dead animal. Other cultures have differing ways of expressing a rite of passage, but all seem to reflect the necessity of passing some form of testing that only a man can be expected to overcome.
In confronting the reality of death, the warrior must have some belief system in which a context for life and death may be framed. Fear of the unknown creates an uncertainty as regards one’s ultimate destiny. It is often the case that a religious ritual is performed prior to battle. In this way, the combatants are provided with certainty in regard to their possible deaths. They can therefore move into battle prepared for the worst.
No matter how hard we try, little boys will insist on playing Cowboys and Indians and Cops and Robbers. With their favourite superhero outfit, they run around stalking and firing on each other with toy or imagined guns. From these early beginnings, boys are preparing for battle. Over time, they develop a certain view of how society must function and they see themselves as being involved in the process. They are fortifying themselves to face the reality of death. In an orderly western country, the reality of violence is often not a daily occurrence. In other countries where this peaceful existence is lacking men, seem to fare better. Their ‘blooding’ is a real life experience. I sometimes think that what prepares soldiers in the west for battle may be inadequate. I have never been in the army, but I wonder how recruits are prepared for the bloody, stinking intimacy of battle. The rotting corpses and dismembered bodies. I wonder if the rates of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder are higher in the west. In a way, initiation or ‘blooding’ whilst it is viewed as a rite of passage, also serves to desensitise the initiate. This may allow the initiate to function to better advantage in the heat of battle. Violent video games and movies may subconsciously be sought to serve the same purpose.
My son-in-law once scolded me for allowing my two grandsons, aged two and five, to view a western which featured John Wayne. It was broadcast at 3 p.m. so I assumed it was suitable for children. The movie had the inevitable gunfights and, being an adult, I was desensitised to the violence. After this baptism into this version of manhood, my grandsons began running around shooting imaginary guns at each other. I think that it is important for boys to act out these combat scenarios. At what age they should be exposed to it, I don’t know. Yet in these two little boys, there seemed to be fertile ground waiting for the seeds of combativeness to be watered and nourished. Rather than shelter boys from exposure to violence, it is up to parents to guide and direct them, remembering that context is essential. Protection of women and children from harm. The ensuring of peace.
To this end, rather than preventing combat games where my grandsons fired upon each other, I encouraged them to view themselves as the sheriff and his deputy, fighting together against an invisible foe or a recalcitrant teddy.
Men and women don’t seem to have the same way of thinking. Their goals may be similar in many cases, but their motivations are different. When my father goes shopping, he leaves very early in the morning to avoid traffic and find parking. He wears a tracksuit. A shopping list is prepared on the back of a used envelope. The order of the items on the list reflects the location of the product. His trolley is less than half-full. He returns before morning tea, thus saving the unnecessary expense of visiting a coffee shop. My mother, however, takes a different approach. Enjoying a relaxed breakfast, she showers and dresses with care leaving home before midday. Every aisle is explored and she is intrigued by many of the products on display. Her list is long and detailed. It exhibits a penchant for the exotic, and specialist. Usually, her trolley is filled to the brim. After stowing her booty in specially refrigerated compartments in the boot of the car, she heads off for a leisurely lunch.
When considering my father’s shopping behaviour, we could say that he had the same goal as my mother. They both had purchases to procure. However, their motivations differed. My father wanted to ensure that he provided the household with what was necessary. He also wanted to ensure that the process was carried out in the most efficient manner. This efficiency allowed him a confidence that money was not unnecessarily outlaid. An early return was made possible and, henceforth, more time to devote to other duties.
My mother’s behaviour exhibited at different motivation. At its most basic it reflects a drive to maintain the integrity of family structure. This is also my father’s goal. How it is played out is different. She does this by serving the family’s need for nutritious and appealing food. Family dinners, where adult children and grandchildren are present, call for the more exotic and specialist foods on her list. She is not merely working to reinforce the integrity of direct family, but intergenerational membership as well.
As you read this chapter, I imagine that some will be drawn to this idealised presentation of our hero. When we compare this representation of manhood with reality, it is not surprising that we will feel disappointed. Deep inside we, as women, cling to this ideal. We may spend our lives searching, waiting for such a man. The longer we spend bound to an inferior man having committed ourselves to an unfavourable alliance, to more intense the disappointment. Over time, disappointment makes way for frustration, a sense of being trapped, despair, emotional starvation and an unfulfilled yearning. This situation will be the focus of the next chapter.
Chapter 5
When Things Go Wrong
As our survey continues, we examine history, literature and anthropology. The examination, scanty as it may be, gives us a glimpse of the ‘hero’ is revealed in all his glory. He is usually depicted as having some extraordinary linage and his birth is in some way exceptional. He exhibits nobility of character, and has the capacity to meet challenges where other men struggle and sometimes fail. He leads by example. His men are assured of his moral superiority. He selects a suitable wife who is also of noble character overseeing the affairs of her husband’s domain when he and his men are at war. Their love story is legendary.
A classic story which reflects the essence of heroism is that of King Arthur of Camelot. According to researchers, it is unlikely that there was such an individual. The story is that he united his fellow kings of Britain and Gaul to defend against the Saxon invasion in the 5th Century AD. His story began as folklore but increased in popularity in the 12th and 19th Centuries. Over time, further literary invention was added and his exploits expanded. Romance and chivalry were the topics which a stable and more prosperous western hemisphere pursued. The legend of Arthur was continually revised and developed for the amusement and instruction of each following generation. Even today, we have the story retold in movies such as Excalibur, King Arthur and Camelot. The television series Merlin was
another popular addition. Thus, we see that the concept of the chivalrous hero developed over the centuries.
Arthur meets all the criteria of the glorious hero. His conception was the result of supernatural, though it had morally questionable means. Through the intervention of Merlin the wizard, or druid, King Uther Pendragon fathers a child with Igraine, the wife of Gorlois. Despite this tawdry beginning, he meets the criteria of the exceptional by pulling the sword, Excalibur from the stone. His moral superiority is demonstrated when he presides over the Round Table. He is recognised by his fellow kings as first amongst equals. In these halcyon days, Camelot is like an endless summer. Tournaments are held, and ladies of the court back their champions.
The relationship between Arthur and his queen, Guinevere, served as an ideal for the people of Camelot. However, with the arrival of Lancelot on the scene, the future of the country comes under threat. The adultery of Guinevere and Lancelot is uncovered, and Arthur sentences her to death. There follows turmoil as the knights turn on Arthur and each other. Arthur’s illegitimate son by his incestuous encounter with his sister, Morgana, attempts to overthrow Arthur, but is killed in battle. Arthur is mortally wounded and is taken to Avalon to recuperate.
It is interesting to consider how this tale was received in earlier times. Legends of this sort are usually designed as a teaching tool. The actors deliver to their observers’ guidance through their response to the challenges they face. An ideal is presented. In this case, a noble king and his peaceful kingdom. Then come the challenges. In this case, the total ruin of Camelot is brought about by the adultery of two figures who were held in high esteem by both king and country. Yet this was only the literal straw that broke the camel’s back. The seeds of ruin were there from the beginning.
An Unloved Woman Page 2