What is love exactly? I think it is our response to a supernatural revelation. We are given by God, true insight into the beauty, the perfection and worth of one particular person. We see them the way God intended them to be, naked and glorious. Filled with promise. We can only see this because God allows us such a privilege. In awe, we are helpless to express ourselves in any other way than with reverence. Tremulously, we move toward them. Could it be that God will so bless us with the gift of a life with this person? Because it is a visionary experience, we never forget it. It is forever before us. Etched on our minds, infusing every corpuscle. We love with all the essence of our being. Five or fifty years may pass by but the look, the smile, the tears of joy and the eyes are always with us.
In the nineteenth century, Russian novel Anna Karenina penned by Leo Tolstoy, one of the main characters, Levin, goes to an ice rink to see Kitty, the woman he loves:
“He knew she was there by the joy and terror that seized his heart. She was standing, talking to a lady at the opposite end of the rink. There was apparently nothing particularly striking either in her dress or in her attitude; but for Levin it was as easy to find her in that crowd as to see a rose amongst nettles. She made everything bright. She was the smile that shed light on all around her. Can I really step on to the ice and go up to her? he wondered. The spot where she stood seemed to him an unapproachable holy ground and there was one moment when he nearly turned away, so filled with awe was he… He walked down, for a long whilst averting his eyes from her, as though she were the sun, but seeing her, as one sees the sun, without looking.”
Past, present and future, love is the same. Yet it never loses its power. From Eden to the Middle Ages, to nineteenth century Russia to the slums of the Third World, insignificant, nameless people are lifted out of the daily grind and transported to the mountaintop. From there, they see existence as having a profoundly new dimension.
Not all of us ever experience love. I believe the failure of many marriages to be evidence of this. The initial attraction dies after approximately two years. Couples ‘fall out of love’. Career moves lead to excess time away from one’s partner, which may contribute to an ultimate separation. Falling in love with another. Discovery that one of the partners not wanting children is another reason couples dissolve their union. Add to this many other scenarios, and we see the initial commitment fading as the individual pursues other avenues in the pursuit of happiness.
Over time, we begin to see flaws in our partner. Wrinkles, grey hair, disability or dementia. This is the justification we need. We ‘fall out of love’. We leave.
I stated in the opening of the previous paragraph that not all of us will experience love. Real love overcomes every obstacle. We ‘fall out of love’ because we were never in love in the first place. Those powerful sexual urges can be so destabilising that they fool us into believing that our feelings are the real thing. Our decision-making processes are impaired.
The obstacles, which may be presented, are a test. What is more important, we must ask? My relationship or my job, my possible happiness with another partner or the one I vowed to be faithful to? The answer to these questions will open our eyes to reality.
To be sure that a relationship will be sustained, it must have a sturdy foundation. Our guiding principle must be that love is a divine gift. One of God’s attributes is that he is infinite. God is infinite in time and power. Therefore, his love is infinite. Nothing can prevent or lessen his love for us. Being made in his likeness means that the love that is available for us to tap into is also infinite. Being divine, the love we offer each other is able to withstand any test. Love divine never ends. Its strength is able to withstand any and every assault. We can be confident then that when a man who truly loves us makes a declaration, he is fortified by God to carry out his promises. In himself, he is powerless to keep his vows. It is God himself who makes marriage work. Only when we throw ourselves at God’s feet and appeal for his enabling can we sure that, whatever life throws at us, no matter what assails us, the foundations for our marriage will be unshakable.
Eve was wooed because she was a woman. She was the one God had provided for Adam. That look of awe and wonder that a man expresses to a woman are followed by words. These words express that she is like no other. That she was made especially for him and no one else. That God himself presides over their union, and will powerfully protect it from dissolution. A sense of reverence accompanies this realisation. This reverence continues throughout a marriage. It infuses every thought, word and deed. This then, is what it is to woo a woman.
To ‘woo’ is a continuous activity. We have only to look to God and his persistence in pursuing those he loves. Wooing doesn’t come to an end once the honeymoon is over. Thinking back to Eve, how could she not be moved? How could Adam’s wooing of her fail? This then is the winning formula.
Chapter 8
Devotion
In the beginning, Adam would have wooed Eve with ease. Eve would have responded to him unrestrainedly, trusting that his intentions toward her were motivated by unconditional love. The situation outside the Eden was different.
After the rebellion in Eden, God cursed Adam and Eve. Where Eve was concerned, this curse affected her relationship with Adam. Interpersonal conflicts became the order of the day. The blissful union they had, came to an end. This situation was passed down through their offspring. The lives of men and women today reflect that curse.
How then can we deal with this situation? The answer is found by examining the means by which God has provided us a way out. The solution is love. Unconditional love.
There appear to be three types of love: filial (brotherly love), erotic, and agape (unconditional love). Erotic love is associated with lust. It dies an early death. Agape or unconditional love will last a lifetime, even after the death of the loved one.
Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116 reflects the salient aspects of unconditional love:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds;
Admit impediments; love is not love,
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O, no, it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand’ring bark (ship),
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks,
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters, not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
As Shakespeare observed ‘love is not love which alters when it alteration finds’, you may find that the attraction you once had for each other fades. Disenchantment follows as a partner is seen as they are, warts and all. If this is the case, then what you experienced was not love, it was most probably lust. The difference is that a man who is in love pours out all his passion, all his energies on his woman. He is not disenchanted because the one he sees is the one seared into his memory by that initial visionary experience. Because of this, nothing will obstruct his devotion.
A man in lust will devote himself to using a woman to satisfy his own needs. They may not necessarily be restricted to the sexual. Because he doesn’t love her, he has no recourse to divine help and the relationship may founder. Sometimes, these marriages can last a lifetime. Habit, stability, financial concerns and children leave the couple impossibly entangled. Life together may continue to be sustained but in reality, their hearts are cold. They slowly, without even noticing, starve emotionally.
Sex, at its most basic, is the pursuit of physical pleasure. There is successful sex and unsuccessful sex. For some, the attainment of pleasure is all that is required. Others need something more. We call it intimacy. Something passes between the couple which leads up to the actual act itself. This �
�something more’ is determined biologically, and is related to how men and women experience the actual physical act itself. For men, the act involves penetration. He enters a place which is reserved for him alone. Any thinking man subconsciously knows this, and will jealously guard access to this sacred place. For a woman, the act is different. To allow man access to her body involves allowing him to penetrate her physically. As a result, something profound has occurred. She is no longer an isolated free agent. In some way, sex has brought together two individuals and made them one. The pregnancy which may follow demonstrates this in a tangible way. A child is born having characteristics of both mother and father.
The last paragraph describes the subconscious behavioural drives of a couple. But, we need to explore what intimacy involves. It would be wrong to provide a three-point plan. Each man and woman has his or her own temperaments, personalities, family backgrounds and cultures. It follows that intimacy expresses itself as variously. Yet, intimacy can be viewed as reflecting how the physical act of sex is carried out. It is determined by how our bodies were designed. A man gives, and a woman receives.
This giving and receiving is the basic formula for intimacy. It may vary from couple to couple, and variables of differing shades may be present. Yet, there is a constant revealed in the formula. It is devotion. A couple may strive for intimacy but without devotion, there will be failure. Devotion is expressed by the man, as a giving of himself and all that this entails. For women, devotion is expressed in receiving. This is not to be thought of as passivity on the part of the woman. To receive what is given, there must be acceptance. Whether it be sex, chocolates, a foot massage, faithfulness in marriage or a new washing machine, the devotion a woman has for her man will be expressed in the grateful acceptance of whatever he has given to her. The giving may reflect a romantic occasion or a prosaic one. An anniversary dinner, a take away Chinese meal, DVD to share or a new sewing machine. Too often, a woman is contemptuous of a gift which they view as lacking an understanding of what they really want and who they really are. For these women, it is timely that they rethink the whole notion of devotion. They are all gifts, and should be recognised and accepted as such. It is the expression of devotion which is of importance, not the gift itself.
If a woman does not have an accepting outlook, she will reject the gifts that a man offers. It is often the case that a man will withhold giving because his gifts have been rejected in the past. There is now a stalemate in the relationship. A woman fails to see her man as a provider and looks to herself for satisfaction. The man comes to the conclusion that he is superfluous and seeks other avenues where what he has to offer may be valued and accepted.
This daily giving and receiving are expressions of devotion. This leads to intimacy. A successful sexual encounter is then made possible. This pinnacle in human relations is rare. I suspect that most sex is a disappointment. Failure to regularly engage sexually with one’s partner suggests that there is something seriously wrong. In the case of disability, sex may not be possible, but devotion can continue to hold a couple together.
The word ‘devotion’ denotes an act of worship for one who is considered to be of extraordinary value. To have devotion for another in essence means that we are expressing, by our actions and words that a particular individual is placed above all others in our estimation. There is no other. We are bound to each other and we express this by mutual adoration.
For the Christian reader, this act of worship may sound dangerously like idolatry. Yet consider the act itself. The much scorned ‘missionary position’ is a perfect description of sex and worship combined. The Christian woman, filled with the Holy Spirit, is a temple where a man can worship. He also is filled with the Holy Spirit. On his knees, in worship, he penetrates her. He is entering the Temple of God. Their union honours each other and God. This is how sex is meant to be.
When viewed from a Christian standpoint, sex is brought from the gutter and into the very throne room of God. If we subscribe to this view, our lives will never be the same. When we approach sex, it will be with reverence and awe. Devotion for our partner will be constant. Our intimacy with each other will grow. All the daily irritations and frustrations will be seen for what they really are. Mere distractions. They will fade into the background as the couple prepare for another night of ecstatic worship.
Chapter 9
The New Folklore
Up till now, the reader may be either intrigued and want to read further, or sceptical and want to put this book down. The picture painted of men and women and how they relate to each other comes from different eras. When compared to the lives of the modern day reader, there seems to be an unbridgeable gap. Is there any way to reconcile these apparently distant and diverse experiences? When we examine western culture, we may ask ourselves whether anything may be learned from the past.
I have written of how my view that behaviour is dictated by biology, that men and women behave according to specific drives. For this book to succeed in contributing to a better society at large, a question must be posed. Are those drives in operation today? How do they manifest themselves?
The hero and his role in protection of women and children, is at the heart of the issue. Living in a relatively peaceful community, we in the west have a less definitive approach to the hero role. As mentioned, it is often exercised through sport and online combat video games. These activities are because our community can be viewed as in a maintenance mode. That is, there is no actual conflict with an external enemy.
Maintenance mode still requires that men be ready for any eventuality. The drive to protect is still exhibited. They are often drawn to serve the community by policing, fire brigade and paramedic/ambulance service. Governance is another area where a man involves himself, whether it be national or union based. Men are also drawn to law, as its ultimate purpose is to maintain a secure society for women and children.
This concentration of men in these roles has gradually dissipated over the years. Women now serve as Prime Ministers, High Court Judges and are now even involved in combat zones. It was the sexual revolution in the 1960s which has led to this dramatic social transformation. Why has this happened and what has been the result?
The articulation of feminist theory and its eventual inclusion in public policy are at the forefront of this dramatic transformation. At its heart, feminism hinges on a perceived power differential. Women, rather than being presented as the beneficiary of male protection, are viewed as an oppressed underclass. Men, rather than being graciously accepted for serving as heroic protectors, are lambasted. They stand accused of lording it over women, abusing their physical superiority and positions within society to dominate.
To resolve this apparent unbridgeable gap between the present and the past-idealised society, a brief critique of feminist theory is necessary. The question I feel must be posed is whether the power differential is the real issue. I believe that power is neither good nor evil. It is presented for use to each individual by God and has a varying degree and scope of influence. How that power is exercised is the key issue. A Prime Minister dedicated to serving his country with honour, uses his power in a godly way. The one who is corrupt, serves his own interests. The physical power a man has may be either used to protect his woman or it may be used to beat her every night.
A revisionism has accompanied feminist theory. The axiomatic understanding that men and women have basic drives has been discredited. The new folk lore is that these so-called drives are not based on biology. Feminist theory presents these drives as being a product evolved to meet the needs of the various social constructions, whether they be marital, governmental or other.
More than five decades have passed since the beginning of the revolution. As we look back, we can view its dramatic impact on society. Women now have easy access to contraception and abortion. Thus, they are no longer burdened by unwanted pregnancies. No fault divorce means that women can easily divest themselves of inferior males. Social security su
pports these women, whilst they raise their young families alone. Women are entering the workforce and enjoying financial independence. They are increasingly represented in professions which were a previously exclusive male domain.
As a result of the revolution, there has been a shift in the way men and women relate to each other. Women are enabled, in many respects, to independently provide protection for themselves and their children. Marital breakdown leaves many men little opportunity to spend time with their children.
We have many instances heard reports of men and their failure to be the heroes we expect them to be. Reports of domestic violence, incest, paedophilia and corruption have exposed something in men that is repugnant. The underlying conclusion is that men have had their turn and have been proven incapable of delivering what women need. It is now up to women to repair the damage, expose the perpetrators as morally bankrupt and forge a new society. Men have been replaced in their role as the hero by women.
If we study popular culture, we come to see a new folk lore: woman as hero. Men have failed to bring about security, and it is up to our heroine to fight for the vulnerable.
It appears that women now have the upper hand. It is thought that while the power differential has been addressed, a lot of women still experience disadvantage. Public policy continues to endorse equal opportunity and there is the view that women’s participation in all spheres of the community is a human rights issue.
An Unloved Woman Page 4