by D. Kelly
Help – I’m fucked.
Numero Uno: Did you kiss her again?
Worse, I saw her kissing Noah, and I can’t stop being pissed off. What do I do now?
Numero Uno: I know you don’t want to hear this, but I think it’s time you talk to him.
Oh, we already did that. She told him about the kiss, and I acted like it wasn’t a big deal. Then I gave them my blessing.
Numero Uno: Oh, Sawyer…
I can see she’s typing something else, so I wait.
Numero Uno: Therapist Diane is going to tell you to journal and reflect on what is going on inside of you so that you can come to a resolution.
Numero Uno: But your sister is going to tell you this can’t end well, and it’s better to tell Noah now that you have genuine feelings for Amelia. What if she’s your one?
What if she’s his? You haven’t seen them together, but they’re … more perfect than a Hallmark Christmas Card.
Numero Uno: *Sigh* I’m saying this with love. You have to make a choice. Back off completely or come clean. Anything else is going to hurt both you and Noah. Not to mention anyone who loves you.
I’m so mad at myself, D.
Numero Uno: We can’t help who steals our heart. Dig deep and try to figure your feelings out before it’s too late. I love you, no matter what.
Love you too. Kiss the girls for me.
Hours go by before I duck out of my room long enough to make a sandwich and bring it back to my room. I’m not starving, but I haven’t eaten in hours, and I know if anyone tries talking to me I’ll be a dick if I don’t have food in my system.
After eating, I pull out my journal and my phone goes off while I’m looking for a pen.
Bethie: Whatcha’ doin’?
Getting ready to journal. What are you doing?
Bethie: What happened? Can I call you?
She doesn’t even wait for my reply. That’s my Bethie.
“What’s wrong, Sawyer? How can I help?”
I lean back against the wall and get comfortable.
“How was your day, Bethie?”
She huffs on the other end of the line. “My day was fine, but yours wasn’t. What happened?”
“Nothing. I’ve made some questionable decisions lately, and I’m having a … moral crisis, I suppose.”
“It’s about her, isn’t it? I knew you liked her. Wyatt told me you kissed her, is that what you couldn’t tell me before? Talk to me, Sawyer. Let me help.”
“She’s dating Noah, I can’t like her.”
Anna sighs and speaks softly. “But you do. You like her a lot, don’t you?”
“I’m trying not to.”
“This right here is why I should be there. You need a hug.”
“I’m okay, but I appreciate the sentiment. You’ve got big dreams of your own to tackle, and you’re right where you should be. We miss you, but it’s your turn to put your own sparkle on the world.”
“That’s why you’re my best friend. You know all the right things to say. Would it help you to talk about her?”
“Why? So I can wallow around depressed about what I can’t have? Noah is so fucking happy, and I’m going to work through my shit and focus on that.”
Anna releases a huge, exaggerated sigh on the other end of the line. “Sometimes, I have issues being married to Wyatt. I love him more than anything, but my relationship with him often interferes with my relationship with you.”
“Anna …”
“No, it’s true. I can’t be as good of a friend as you are to me because of our pact. And we need that pact to keep our trust intact, Sawyer, but damn, it kills me not to be able to help you through this.”
“We’ve talked about this before. Your marriage should always come first. I know your heart is in a good place, and it’s not like I’m much of a talker most of the time anyway.”
“You are to me. I’m one of the lucky few who gets to know you and love you. Look, if you want or need to talk, we can play hypotheticals. If you were to ask me hypothetical questions about whoever or whatever, I wouldn’t need to talk to Wyatt.”
I realize she’s putting herself on the line for me, but I can’t take her up on it. I don’t want her feeling guilty.
“Thank you for the offer and for being willing to keep hypothetical secrets, but I’m going to try to work this out on my own.”
“I knew that’s what you’d say, but the offer stands anytime. Whenever you need to talk, call me, or text me, I always have time for you.”
“Thanks, Bethie. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
Skeletons Never Stay Hidden
The past few days I’ve been a grade A asshole. I’ve either been quiet, or I’ve snapped some pretty inappropriate comments at Princess. Today, she broke. And when she did, so did my sanity. I’ve never wanted to pull someone into my arms and kiss their pain away the way I did when she confessed she’s actually Amelia Triton.
Everything that was puzzling me finally clicked into place. Belle’s concern. Mel’s reaction to touring, the way she handles the groupies like a motherfucking boss, and her extensive musical knowledge.
After her breakdown and a few tequila shots, we came back to the bus for a chill day. I was mostly quiet, taking everything in while the guys joked with her. And while I sat back and thought about how much we had in common—from our jaded hearts to the familial heartbreak, to our love of Pop-Tarts, and even to having the same tastes in pizza—I became sort of peaceful.
She was curled up with Noah, and he was the one taking care of her, loving her, and then he called her his girlfriend and embarrassed her. It was fucking sweet, and everything both of them deserve.
No matter how much I like her, she’s meant to be with Noah. I need to get out of my head. Open myself up and finally let someone inside. If Noah can have something like that, something so fucking special, well … I should be able to have it too. If I’m only lucky enough to find a woman like Amelia.
When she talked about the love/hate relationship her parents had, it was as if I could feel her fears rising to the surface. But when she said their attraction was painful, she looked right at me. Maybe I’m being presumptuous, but I think that’s why she pushed me away. She felt our chemistry through her entire being, just like I did.
It was nice getting to know her on a whole other level. I about died when she said she used to be Eli’s girlfriend. Noah has never liked Eli, but I think he’s an okay guy. I can empathize with him in a way. If I’d knocked someone up at sixteen, I might have done the same thing he did. In fact, I’m sure I would have. I’m not adverse to the thought of monogamy; I might actually prefer it if it meant ditching condoms. What I’m adverse to is the concept of relationships. At least I was until I got all wrapped up in her.
As I take another sip of my coffee, Mel comes into the kitchen. “Good morning.” I lift my cup in a greeting and she flashes me that pretty smile of hers.
“Good morning. Ready for our interview?” Without pausing, she heads straight to the coffee maker.
Not really, but I guess there’s no time like the present. We shoot the shit while I get a refill on my coffee, and she looks around for something to eat other than Pop-Tarts. I can’t blame her. I don’t usually eat this many toaster pastries either, but there’s something about being able to sit down and share something tangible with her that makes me happy.
As we dance around the sexual tension that always mounts between us and start comparing our strengths and weaknesses, I decide to be honest with her. Part of my vow to start opening up to people. She’s still talking, and I pull myself from my thoughts so we can have a real discussion.
“Art. I can’t draw to save my life, not even a straight line with a ruler. Dealing with anything emotional, I’ll avoid it like the plague. Drinking, I always hit my limit sooner than I think I will. I bypass pleasantly drunk and end up shit faced more often than not. I think the worst is
apologizing. I’ve recently come to realize I owe someone a huge one, sooner rather than later.”
Just like that she has me comparing us again. Maybe we will be better off as friends because we’re so much alike it’s scary.
“I’m pretty bad at apologizing too,” I answer, taking the seat across from her. “As a matter of fact, I probably owe you one for kissing you the night we met. I thought …” I shake my head to keep myself from getting lost in the memory. “Well, it doesn’t really matter what I thought. The point is, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”
“You didn’t. I was caught off guard for sure, but that kiss was not unwelcome.” Her answer is firm but utterly sincere.
Unfortunately, my reply sounds like a plea for help. “Then why?”
“Why did I push you away only to turn around and start dating your brother?”
With my head down, I answer with a nod while fiddling with my coffee cup. I wanted to open up to her but not lay all my insecurities at her feet. Dammit.
“Look at me, Sawyer … please.”
Her hazel eyes bore into me with a fierce determination. She’s so fucking sexy.
“I’ve got a bad history of dating and sleeping with musicians. You and I … we’re combustible, and our chemistry is off the charts. But I had to go off the only information I had, and that was my past and your bad reputation. I’m sorry I misjudged you.”
“You think you misjudged me?” No one in my life has ever admitted to that, and when she reaches across the table, taking my hand in hers, the line between us blurs even further. I’m so screwed. Two steps forward and three steps back.
“Yes, I know I did. You put on a brave front, Sawyer, but underneath your bad-boy persona, you’re a good man. There’s so much more to you than what you let people think.”
She’s got no clue what her words mean to me, but I try hard to brush them off.
“Thanks, but it doesn’t matter now. You’re with Noah, and he likes you a lot.”
“I like him too.”
“Enough to risk your job, apparently.” And I’m back to being an asshole. Why do I do this to her? Or to myself?
“At first, no, and I’m scared to death about what this could mean for my job. My number-one goal is to tell the best story I can and be able to shed light on the real men of Bastards and Dangerous. Noah managed to work his way into my heart, and it’s not an easy thing to do. I never saw it coming until it was too late.”
“So you love him?” My question makes her uncomfortable, even though her answer is written all over her face.
“I’m not sure,” she hedges before rushing to continue. “You all have become like a second family to me, and considering Belle is really the only family I have anymore, it means a lot to me to have you in my life. I love you all in that aspect.”
“Did you just friend-zone my brother?” With the flip of a switch, I become Noah’s defender. I need to get a fucking life.
“No, not at all, Sawyer. It’s not in my nature to let people into my heart easily. Noah is pushing past my defenses for sure. However, when and if I decide I’m in love with your brother, he’s going to be the first to know. Okay?”
“Fair enough.”
Her hand still covers mine. The heat between us sizzles between our fingers, and our eyes are locked on our hands. If I don’t move now, I’m going to kiss her.
“Can you sit on the couch with me? I’d like to tell you a story. This isn’t for the book, but after you shared with us yesterday, and now knowing your feelings about us all, I think you should know something about me and my family.”
“Of course,” she says with a small smile as I carry our coffees to the couch.
The anticipation in her eyes is more than I can handle. She looks at me like I’m about to ravish her body, and my cock jerks at the thought. I’m not worried about it though, what I’m going to tell her next would kill anyone’s hard-on.
A few days ago, after telling Mel about finding J and his family, I felt like we crossed some invisible barrier. We moved from the fine line we were walking into friendship. It was a good feeling.
So why is it that I’m running on the treadmill letting my frustration with Noah and Mel’s relationship fuel the energy I’m putting into my workout?
With sweat pouring down my body, I try to shake the images of Noah and Mel kissing in front of us all as they proved a point to Belle. Well, as Noah proved a point, and not for the first time either. He hasn’t mentioned it since the hotel, but I’ve seen the looks he’s given me. I know he wonders if I’ve let her go. Fuck me, I’ve tried, but she’s under my skin like a damn tick.
Darren enters the bus and stands in front of me with crossed arms. “You’re not fooling anyone, least of all Noah. This is going to come to a head sooner or later.”
“Nothing to come to a head over,” I answer, keeping up my pace.
“Mmhm,” is his only reply.
“We’re going to Sully’s tonight anyway.” I say, finally slowing down a bit now that he’s here to distract me.
“And?”
“And I’m hoping to get laid.”
“Well, that would be a good thing. You’re a grump lately,” Noah says, entering the bus.
Darren snorts. “You know you’re being an asshole when even Noah is wishing for you to get laid.”
I’ve slowed to a walk so I can move onto some weights in a minute. Noah is eyeing me suspiciously, and it’s starting to get on my nerves.
“Just say whatever it is you’re thinking, Noah. Please.”
He sits on the bike and throws his hands in the air. “You’re different this tour. Moodier but also more reflective. Even sex isn’t helping you for long. What gives?”
“I’m exhausted! Two back-to-back tours sucks, and I’m pissed off about having to retire. What do you want from me? Life is changing, and I have no control over it. The anniversary is coming up, and because of our schedule, I can’t even be with J this year. This is the first time, Noah, the first fucking time we’re not going to be together on that day.”
“Shit …” Noah and Darren whisper at the same time.
I didn’t mean to lay into him like that, but other than Mel, I’ve got more than enough stuff on my mind. She’s just the cherry on my shit sundae.
“I’m sorry, I really thought it had something to do with Mel. I know how much you hate change and uncertainty. Forgive me?”
Noah’s sincerity floors me, but I’m hoping I can use it in my favor.
“Depends. Can you officially stop trying to blame fucking everything on Princess? She’s doing her job, and I’m doing mine the best I can. The last thing we need is for you to keep making trouble where there isn’t any, Noah. We’re never going to have a repeat of Marilyn, okay?”
Darren shoots me a knowing glare. He knows I’m using Noah’s guilt against him, but hell, it’s the only way to get past this because I am not going to steal his girl. No matter how much I may want to.
“Okay. I’m sorry, Sawyer.”
The bus falls into silence. The only sounds are the machines we’re using and our breathing. The loudest thing in the room is all our unsaid thoughts. For the first time ever, I can’t wait for this tour to be over.
“You’re a mess, but you look hot.”
“Bethie, there’s something inherently wrong with you calling me hot these days,” I say, pulling her into a hug.
“Shut up. I’m married, not dead. Besides, it’s not like you’ve never not been hot. You’re just not my type.”
The setting sun glimmers off her wedding ring as I release her. “Don’t I know it. You’ve got a thing for the tall, blond, tatted, pierced, quiet types with smoldering blue eyes. Maybe I should find one of those too.”
“Maybe you should,” she answers with a twinkle in her eyes. “But Wyatt is mine, so back off.”
“Uh, I meant one of the female persuasion, but if I ever decide to swing the other way I
’ll stay away from your man.”
“Good. I heard you blew up at Noah today. Wanna talk about it?”
“Nah, I’m good. I’m just stressed it wasn’t about Mel. Well, not exactly.”
She squeezes my hand. “Just remember, I’m here for you. I’m worried about you, Sawyer. I knew before Mel showed up how hard this tour was going to be for you. Now things are even more complicated.”
“Things will be fine.” The more I say it, the more I hope I’ll believe it myself.
“I know, but do me a favor and have fun tonight. Sully’s is one of your favorite places and, hopefully, Rieanne will be there. She’ll cheer you up for sure, and if you have to, you can get it on with some random. Just remember—”
“To double bag it. I know, Bethie, I know.”
She rises on her tiptoes and kisses me on the cheek. “I’m going to go finish getting ready. Then we’re going to have fun if it kills us.”
When she goes back inside, I take a seat on the bench across the parking lot. I’m scrolling through my email when my phone buzzes in my hand. It’s a Facebook notification … from Noah. When I click on it, I realize how much of a dick I was earlier.
Going out tonight with my brothers to one of our favorite places in the world. Nights like these are what life is all about. Friends, family, and fun. #Twinning #Westons
He uploaded a behind-the-scenes picture of the four of us from our photo shoot a few weeks ago that Mel took. It’s a great picture. I’ve got to start being a better brother. Noah is my best friend, and that means everything to me. I hit the heart on his photo and comment.
#Brothers4life
That’s about as much Facebooking as I ever do. I only have one to see family shit, and Noah rarely ever posts to his—he doesn’t like to seem braggy. Noah couldn’t be braggy if he tried; he’s too busy being nice.