To Professor, With Love

by Linda Kage

  “Well, what do you want to do?”

  “I want to go into that pathetic excuse of a house, scoop up my brothers and sister, and take them back to Ellamore with me. I want to protect everyone I love.”

  Ten flashed a sudden grin and dusted his hands off on his thighs. “Well, all right, then. Let’s do it.”

  “What?” I blinked and gaped at him. “We can’t do that. They don’t...Their life is here. School. My mother...shit, I don’t have any kind of custody. It’d be considered kidnapping if I—”

  “If you got caught.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “But I don’t see your mom anywhere. Do you really think she’d contest it?”

  A seed of hope sprouted inside me. It’d be rough...but so worth it.

  Shaking my head, I frowned at my roommate for even suggesting the idea. “I can’t bring three underage kids home with me.” Caroline would turn eighteen in two weeks, but still. “Where the hell would we put them in our dinky, two-bedroom apartment?”

  Glancing at the dinky, two-bedroom trailer house they were staying in now, he lifted his eyebrows and shot me a look. Okay, so he had a point. Even our shithole apartment was in a hell of a lot better condition than this dump.

  “Look, my bed’s bigger than yours. The boys can camp in my room, your sister can take yours, I’ll get the couch, and you can bunk of the floor until we find someplace bigger to rent.”

  I just stared at him, unable to believe what I was hearing. “Are you serious?”

  He made a face. “Fuck, yeah. I’m certainly not taking the floor.”

  With a short laugh, I shook my head. Only Ten could make me smile at a time like this. “I mean, about the whole thing? This is a big deal, Ten. This would fucking save my life, but it’d be a huge change. For you too. Are you sure about them coming back with us?”

  He shrugged as if it was nothing. “I mean, they’re going to be squished in my half backseat on the ride there, but hell, why not?”

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I covered my face with my hands as the relief nearly buckled my knees. “Thank you. Oh, fuck. Thank you so much, man. I’ll never be able to repay you for this.”

  CHAPTER THIRTHY-THREE

  "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end." - Gilda Radner

  ~ASPEN~

  I was hollow. An empty shell.

  Staring down at the graves of both of my parents, I wondered why I wasn’t crying, why I hadn’t shed one tear over their deaths.

  Next to me, Rita sniffed into a tissue and dabbed her eyes. I reached out and patted her arm, trying to offer a measure of comfort, but how did I offer anything when I had nothing? Felt nothing?

  The past few days had been a complete blur. After “resigning” from my position at Ellamore, I’d gone home and packed a bag, ready to leave town for a few days to, I don’t know, find myself. Recalibrate my life. Make plans for the future.

  Hide from Noel.

  But my housekeeper had called when I was stuffing a handful of jeans into my luggage. And now my biggest fear had come true. My parents had died before telling me they loved me or even showing they cared. I knew I should’ve felt destroyed, lost, alone, hopeless. But no. Nothing. There was just a big, blank void, a vacancy where they’d never filled my heart.

  I’d been braced to hear about my father. In the hospital with pneumonia, losing his leg to diabetes, I knew this fate was most likely coming for him. But that wasn’t how he’d died at all.

  Mother had actually been driving him home from the hospital when they’d had a head-on collision on the freeway. Both dead. Instantly.

  Shocked much? Oh, yeah. I was definitely in a state of utter shock. Maybe that’s why I was so numb. Or maybe I was just a heartless shrew. Maybe Mallory and Richard Kavanagh had rubbed off and I could never feel anything again.

  But then I thought of Noel, and I knew that wasn’t true. Because just from drawing forth his face in my mind, I was no longer numb. I was aching and broken.

  My parents might not have ever shown me love, but I did know love now. I knew how it felt to find someone worth living for, to risk everything for that love, and to sacrifice everything for it. It was beautiful and amazing. So I no longer craved it from the two bodies lying in this cold, hard ground. They could take their brand of love with them, wherever they went.

  I tossed a rose into each open grave and turned away, ready to be finished with this. Only a dozen other people were present at the cemetery. I recognized colleagues of Richard’s and Mallory’s—Zach’s father stood near the back—but that was it. No friends, no other family. Just work ties.

  A rustling came behind me, and I knew Rita was hurrying to catch up with me. I slowed enough for her to reach my side, then I hooked my arm through hers, and we made our way to the black ride awaiting us.

  “Am I an awful person, Rita?” I wondered aloud.

  Warm fingers surrounded mine and squeezed hard. “Why would you think such a thing, child?”

  “They raised me,” I said. “They kept me healthy and clothed me, put a house over my head. They paid for my education and helped me get a good start on life. I wouldn’t have anything if it weren’t for them. So shouldn’t I owe them more than this? Shouldn’t I...mourn?”

  “Oh, honey. You’re just in shock. Denial is a very real stage in grieving.”

  I shook my head. “No. No. I know they’re gone. I know...” I would never see them again. Stopping twenty feet from the car while it was still just the two of us, I turned to her. “I’m relieved,” I finally confessed. “I spent my entire life, worried about disappointing them, striving to gain their love. And now...now I’m free. I lost my job this week, and my biggest fear was how I was going to tell them. But I don’t have to worry about that now. I never have to worry about winning their approval again.”

  Rita clucked her tongue and pulled me in for a hug. “This is my fault. I should’ve nurtured you more. I never should’ve let them intimidate me into keeping my distance. You were always such a good obedient girl, and all you ever needed was a hug, just a little compassion.”

  “No. You did fine. I understood why you couldn’t do much. And I’ll always remember the times you did do something.”

  Grasping my shoulders, Rita stared up at me from pale, watery eyes. “They never treated you right. I don’t know how you turned out as well as you did.”

  Finally, I had to blink back some emotion. This was my true mother, right here. And she’d just given me all the parental approval I’d ever needed. “Thank you, Rita.”

  After we returned to the house, my parents’ lawyer came to read the will. Rita was left a thousand dollars for every year of service she’d worked for them, and then they’d left the rest of their financial worth to the university where they’d both worked.

  As those words were read aloud, the cold inside me only grew deeper. Rita gasped and covered her mouth. “No,” she breathed, turning to me with guilt in her eyes. “But...but what about Aspen?”

  The lawyer winced. “I asked them about her when they had these drawn up. But they said they’d already given her all the tools she needed to survive. Their money was of no consequence to her.”

  I wasn’t even that surprised. Still hollow, I merely lifted my chin and answered, “They were right. I don’t need their money.” It didn’t even matter that I’d been planning to ask them for a loan until I found a new job. They really had given me all the tools I needed to survive. I could do this. Somehow.

  ***

  It only took me a few days to see to my parents’ affairs. As neat and tidy as they’d always been, they still needed someone to put all their wishes into action, so everything fell to me. I spent another day with their lawyer, making sure Rita was set, and all Richard and Mallory’s things could be sold to auction. Then I made sure a fund was arranged with the university where their money could go.

  I stopped by their graves one last time
before leaving town to say a final goodbye and attain my closure. A weight lifted from my chest as I climbed back into my car. It was so strange. I’d hit my rock bottom. I’d lost the love of my life, my job, and my parents. I had basically no prospects for the future, and the money in my savings account would probably only last me a month or two.

  But I didn’t feel as if this was it, as if everything was over. Maybe I really was in denial. Except a seed of hope had sprouted in the voided place in my heart. It grew and budded, and I couldn’t stop this feeling that a new start was awakening inside me.

  My cell phone rang as I reached the city limits, making my bud of hope blossom into a flower. It’d been a few days since Noel had stopped calling and started leaving messages. He still texted every morning, providing me with quotes for my collection. Yesterday’s had been my favorite yet:

  “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” - Jess C. Scott, The Intern

  But aside from those texts, he’d stopped begging me to call him back, or forgive him, or come home. He’d stopped apologizing for the loss of my job. He’d stopped fighting fiercely for me. Then again, I hadn’t responded to any of his attempts, so he really didn’t have a reason to think there was something left to fight for, except I still loved him. I’d always love him.

  My heart jerked in my chest as I scrambled for my phone in my purse in the passenger seat. Maybe Noel hadn’t quite given up after all.

  The ID on the screen showed my old advisor and mentor, though. Shoulders slumping, I answered politely.

  Dr. Thorn extended her condolences over my parents’ death. After I excused her apologies for not making it to the funeral, she finally found her way to the meat of her call.

  “I know you’re probably getting along just fine over at Ellamore,” she said, making me cringe because I didn’t want to confess I was no longer employed there. “But we had a faculty member in the English department here decide to retire at the end of the semester, and you were the first person I thought to replace him with. You were always so enthusiastic about the curriculum, and you have the youth and vivacity I want here. So do you think it’s possible you would consider returning to us...as a professor?”

  ***

  It was late when I made it back to Ellamore. I’d driven straight through and should’ve been exhausted. But while my body just wanted to rest, everything else inside me perked to attention, exulted over the fact that Noel was close. I could have waited until morning, but I didn’t. I had to see him now. I parked in front of his apartment building and hurried through the dark to the front entrance where a broken overhead light dangled limply above the front door.

  I balled my hand and raised it to his door, but decided I didn’t want to wake his roommate, so I took my phone from my purse to call, when I changed my mind again. I’d much rather wake him a different way.

  I tried the lock and found it open. Tiptoeing through to the dark hallway, I reached his bedroom and turned the knob, pushing my way inside. The lamp by his bed glowed softly and the sheets rustled as I entered. I wondered if he was already awake, waiting for me, sensing I was coming. But when I lifted my eyes to the bed, I found a girl gasping and sitting up on his mattress instead.

  Holding her blankets up to her chin, she gaped at me from a pair of wide, water-stained eyes.

  I froze as the air was pummeled from my chest. She was beautiful with long, streaming blonde hair and stunning features. It hurt to look at her.

  Acid filled my stomach, and I thought I might be sick all over the floor. Tears filled the ducts in my eyes.

  But he’d moved on. I was too late. He—

  “Are you looking for Noel?” she asked before sniffing and wiping at her cheek. “I think...I think he’s in the living room, either sleeping on the floor or the couch. I’m not sure which.”

  She seemed friendly. I couldn’t believe this girl—whom I didn’t know but hated more than everyone else on earth—would dare be friendly to me, as if she wasn’t crushing my soul into a thousand pieces. It took me a good five seconds to actually process what she’d just said.

  Noel was sleeping in the living room. Not in here. Not with her.

  The confusion must’ve painted my expression pretty obvious because she said, “You’re Aspen, right? I’ve heard about you. I’m Noel’s sister.”

  “Caroline?” I breathed. Oh, Jesus. Oh, thank you, God. “I...oh! Well, I’ve heard about you, too.”

  The relief left me dizzy and I had to reach for the doorframe and hold on to catch myself. And once again, my own overwhelming emotions kept me clueless from a few oblivious details for far too many seconds, otherwise it might not have taken me so long to realize Noel’s sister was crying...and here. Why was she here, and where were the two brothers?

  “Are you okay?” I asked, stepping forward, concern for her overriding everything else.

  “Yeah.” She nodded and hugged herself, dropping the sheet to reveal she was wearing one of Noel’s Ellamore Viking shirts. “I...I...no. No, I’m not okay. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again.”

  When she buried her face into her hands and dropped all pretenses of not bawling her eyes out, my heart broke for her. I crawled onto the mattress and pulled her into my embrace. As natural as breathing, she rested her head on my shoulder and accepted my solace. The smell of Noel on the sheets comforted me as I comforted his sister.

  “Is it the baby?” I finally asked, smoothing her hair out of her face.

  Her body shuddered as she cuddled closer to me. “There is no baby.” The hollow echo in her voice told me that was exactly what the problem was. Instead of asking what had happened, I said, “How’d you get here?”

  “Noel came and got me.”

  I nodded and continued to comb my fingers through her hair. I have no idea where this nurturing side of me came from, but this girl was a part of Noel, and she was hurting. I had to fix her. “Where are your younger brothers?”

  “They’re sleeping in Oren’s room.” Finally, she lifted her face and blinked at me. “Does anything hurt worse than getting your heart broken?”

  “I...” The diplomatic answer caught in my throat and wouldn’t come. So I went with honesty. “No, not in my experience.”

  She opened her mouth to say something else, but footsteps in the hall jerked both our attentions to the doorway.

  “Caroline?” Noel’s hushed voice woke every fiber of life inside me, making my muscles tense with anticipation. “Are you okay? I heard voices—” He entered the room and took a full step before seeing me. Jerking to a stop, he stared. And stared some more before rasping, “Aspen?”

  I didn’t know what to say. I suddenly felt lame and insecure. When the word, “Hi,” fell from my lips in a tiny, uncertain voice, I internally winced.

  “Hi,” he breathed, glancing back and forth between Caroline and me. His voice was flat when he added, “You’re back.”

  I nodded, worried it had been a mistake to come here like this. “I...I came to talk to you, but...” I motioned to Caroline. “I met your sister instead.”

  He turned his attention to his sister, and she scurried off the bed. “I’ll just...” She hooked her thumb toward the door. “I’ll let you two talk.”

  “No.” Noel held up a hand. “You stay. We can go. You need your rest.” Tipping his face to the side, he finally seemed to notice her wet eyes. “You okay?”

  She nodded and tried to wipe the evidence off her face. “Yeah. Better. With a little help from Aspen.”

  When she glanced at me, I sent her a supportive smile. She started back toward the bed, so I took that as my cue to climb off it. But as we traded places, she gave me one last impulsive hug.

  “Thank you,” she whispered into my ear.

  I nodded, gave her a farewell smile, and turned toward Noel. He stared at me, his eyes swirling with emotion but his expression hard. Then he spun away and stalked from the room. I followed him, down
the hall and to the front door. He didn’t slow down or hold out his hand for me, and that hurt. But I really couldn’t expect less, could I?

  Once we were outside the apartment, the dim lights from the exterior halls showed how stiff and uncompromising his shoulders were.

  He kept walking, so I kept following down the stairwell. Hurrying to keep up, I finally called, “You didn’t tell me Caroline had lost her baby in any of your messages.”

  Jerking to a stop, he whirled around. We’d just reached the landing between floors, where the stairs turned. He grasped my arm and urged me toward the wall until cool brick met my spine.

  Stepping in close enough for me to feel his heat and smell mint on his breath, he growled, “Well, you didn’t tell me you were leaving town. You didn’t tell me Marci Bennett had blackmailed you. And you sure as hell didn’t tell me you’d lost your fucking job...because of me. Christ, Aspen.” He cupped my face and pressed his forehead to mine. “You didn’t tell me shit.”

  He was so mad he shook with it. I felt every tremor move through him so acutely I might as well have been shaking too.

  “Damn it,” he muttered when I didn’t respond. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I closed my eyes. “Because I didn’t want you to do anything stupid.”

  He snorted. “Too late.”

  “Oh, God. Noel.” Shoving against him, I gasped. “I lied for you. I refused to tell them who you were, to protect you. Why would you...wait. What exactly did you do?”

  Looming above me, he fisted his hand on his hips and scowled right back. “I told them it was me in that picture. What do you think I did?”

  “No.” Denying it, I shook my head adamantly. Fear raced along my skin, prickling my scalp. But if Noel had gotten hurt from this, after everything I’d sacrificed to keep him safe, I...I didn’t know what I’d do. I’d probably lose all faith in the world. “Did they...did they kick you out?”

  Shame entered his eyes. Bowing his head slightly, he glanced away and ran his hand over his hair. “No,” he admitted in a low voice.