Again, he lifted her chin to see if he’d gone too far, said too much. She gazed at him with soft eyes, full of emotion. It wasn’t sadness, at least not completely. There was also excitement, caring, and maybe even a touch of lust in the look she sent him.
“Tell me what you want, sweetheart. If you want to stop, I’ll stop. If you want to see where this will go between us, we can take it as slow as you’d like. I know my timing might not be the best, but God, MJ, the more time I spend with you, the more I want to see what we might have with each other. I can’t feel guilty about how I feel. Trevor would want you to be happy, and I’d like to see if we could be happy together.”
She nodded. “I want that too, Rob. I don’t know where this will go, but I’d like to figure it out.”
His heart leaped at the possibility that she felt the same way he did. Attraction. Warmth. Hope. All tempering the grief they’d both lived with for the past months.
A wet nose intruded between them, as a furry body and heavy paws leaned in. “What do you think, Maverick?” he asked the canine. Almost as if he knew what Rob was asking, the dog gave a sharp bark. He felt the loss of MJ’s hands around him as she turned to stroke the dog.
“I think he likes the idea. Apparently, he wants to be in the middle of our relationship,” she said.
“He definitely is. C’mon. Let’s go take him for a walk.” Rob grabbed her hand and pulled her up, once again drawing her into his embrace. God, he could get used to this.
Chapter Fifteen
Once they were outside, Rob clipped Maverick into his harness and handed her the leash.
“Heel,” she said as they started off. Maverick quickly assumed the position on her left side. She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders as Rob had taught her, looking ahead.
“That’s great,” he said. “You’re letting him know what you want. You’re definitely the leader, MJ.”
She smiled at his compliment, even though she didn’t turn around to look at him. Despite what had happened back in her living room, this was business. She and Maverick were training together. There’d be time later for flirting.
As they walked past a neighboring yard, a rabbit darted from under a bush, ran across the sidewalk in front of them, and crossed the street. She felt Maverick tense. “Heel,” she said again, and she felt the tension in the leash relax.
“Nice job. You let him know he’s working, and can’t play ‘catch the bunny.’ That’s one of his favorite games. His instinct is to run after it, but he’s accepting your commands and listening to you.”
“What if he didn’t?”
“Then you would have a struggle on your hands. He’s strong, and he could pull you over trying to go after it. That’s why you never ever wrap the leash around your hand or wrist.”
She nodded. It felt weird to have Rob walking behind them, critiquing her form, and probably watching her ass.
“Get him to stop and sit.”
She immediately stopped, and Maverick followed her non-verbal instruction and stopped. “Sit.” He dropped to his haunches and sat.
Before she could ask, Rob explained, “You don’t have to give all of his commands in Italian. Basic ones, like heel, sit, lie down, he also knows in English. If he’s working, though, you’ll want to use Italian with an East Tennessee accent.”
“What sort of work will he be doing?”
“I don’t know. We’ll figure that out as we go along. I doubt you’ll leave your job as a librarian and become a police officer or TSA agent. Don’t worry. We’ll think of something.”
The streetlights came on, and they continued to walk around the block in the dark. Streetlights lit the corners, but shadows engulfed much of the area between them. After walking around the block twice, they came back to her house. She let Maverick off the lead to do his business in the backyard.
Rob leaned in from behind and captured her in his arms. “You did great, sweetheart. I can’t believe how far you’ve come in a relatively short time.” He planted a kiss below her right ear, and she shivered.
Maverick came and sat at her feet, looking pleased. It was adorable the way he seemed to smile. “C’mon, boy, let’s go in.” She leaned back and grabbed Rob’s hand and laced her fingers with his as the three of them went up the back steps and into the kitchen.
“I’ll do the dishes. Why don’t you go ahead and get ready for bed? You’ve got to work tomorrow.” Rob rolled up his sleeves.
“Okay. Thanks.” Apparently, they weren’t going back to where they’d left off. She sighed as she headed down the hall toward her bedroom. “Goodnight. Thanks for such a wonderful dinner.”
“You’re welcome. It’s the least I can do. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Maverick followed her down the hall and lay on the floor at the foot of her bed. Guess he was sleeping in here tonight. That meant he accepted her, right? After changing, brushing her teeth, washing her face, and applying body lotion, she snuggled under the covers and tried to sleep. Thoughts of Rob ran through her head. Was she ready to move on from Trevor and give this relationship with Rob a chance? She sighed as she thought about his kisses. Yes. She wanted to see where this could go.
She woke with a start in the dark room. She looked at the clock, scrunching her eyes to focus. Two-thirty. She’d been dreaming. Her mind searched to remember. Trevor. She’d been walking hand in hand with him, on the banks of a river in the mountains. “I want you to move on,” he’d said. “I’m no longer around, and I want you to be happy.” In the dream, she’d tried to talk him out of it, tried to talk him into staying with her.
“I love you, Trevor,” she’d said. “Why didn’t you give us a chance? Why did you wait to tell me you loved me?”
She’d reached out to touch him, to stand on tiptoes to kiss him. He’d faded away, leaving her grieving.
She felt tears on her face. “Oh, Trevor. We wasted so much time. It hurts that you aren’t here,” she whispered. A cold nose touched her outstretched arm. “Thank you, Maverick. You’re the bridge between us, aren’t you?”
An eerie moan, followed closely by a shout of “No!” had her up and moving. She opened her bedroom door, and she and Maverick ran down the hallway to the guest room.
She pulled open the door and saw Rob thrashing and fighting the covers. “Rob! Are you okay?” In the light from the hallway, she could see that his eyes were open, but he didn’t seem to recognize her. “Rob! Wake up!” She reached out and shook his shoulder and gasped when he grabbed her and pulled her down. His face contorted with a snarl, and he pinned her shoulders to the mattress with his hands.
“Rob! Stop! It’s me, MJ!”
He shook his head, and she saw when it registered because his eyes widened. He looked down where he’d grabbed her, and he scrambled off the bed.
“Oh, my God. MJ. What have I done?” He shook his head wildly from side to side. “Are you okay?”
She nodded. She knew what had happened. She’d heard of soldiers suffering from PTSD going into a dissociated state during a flashback and hurting those they loved. Why hadn’t he told her? It wasn’t only Maverick that had PTSD; Rob did, too.
“I’m so sorry, MJ. Did I hurt you? Oh, my God. I’ll never forgive myself if I hurt you. Tell me the truth,” he pleaded.
“I’m okay, Rob. You didn’t hurt me. You scared me, though. Was it a flashback?”
“I don’t know. I was dreaming, I think.”
“Can you remember what it was about?” she asked.
He was silent for several minutes. “I was back in Afghanistan on patrol, and we got ambushed by the Taliban. They killed most of my unit and took the rest of us to an outpost where they put us into a prison. More like a dungeon. There were four of us. They’d take one of us out every day, and question us, torture us. I was trying to break free. I must have thought you were one of them. God, I attacked you, didn’t I? Oh, MJ. I’m so sorry!”
“I shouldn’t have tried to touch you. I should have known better
.” She looked down to search his face. “Why didn’t you tell me you had PTSD?”
He turned his head, as if he wasn’t able to look at her. “I’m so sorry, MJ. I should have, but I was too ashamed. I hoped it would go away, and you’d never have to see me like this.”
She felt a ball of anger in her stomach. “Damn it, Rob. You don’t have control over how your mind processes the things you experienced. I would never blame you for having PTSD. It isn’t something a person can control. It isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s just one of the unfortunate things that happen when people are exposed to intense situations. It isn’t something you have to hide!” She turned away from him.
“Don’t go, MJ. Don’t be mad. I’m sorry. Really, I am. I just figured you’d been through enough.”
She turned back, her hands on her hips. “Well, you hurt my feelings by not telling me. It’s as if you think I won’t accept you as you are. Jeez, Rob. Do you really think so little of me?” Tears started, and she brushed them roughly off her cheek.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be a burden. You have enough to deal with. I didn’t want to add to it.”
“Well, from now on, I expect you to treat me like I have a backbone. Don’t treat me as if I’m some fragile flower. How do you expect us to have a relationship if you don’t trust me?”
“You still want to have a relationship with me despite this?”
She rolled her eyes. Lord, save her from stupid men. Okay. His heart was in the right place, but really, couldn’t he give her some credit?
“Yes, Rob. I want to see where this goes between us. I told you that. Having a flashback or nightmare won’t chase me away.”
Maverick stuck his head between them and looked back and forth with worried eyes.
“We’re scaring him with our fighting,” Rob said. “Va bene, Maverick.”
“This isn’t fighting. This is an argument. I have to set you straight. I’m not some fragile flower. I’m a strong, independent woman with a warrior dog. I can handle just about anything you dish out. Get that through your head, mister.”
“Okay. I get it.” He gave her a slight grin. “You know, this version of you is sexy, MJ. All angry and puffed up with righteous indignation.”
“Don’t you forget it!”
“Will you let me hold you? I think I could use a hug.”
Rolling her eyes again, she agreed. “I think we both need a hug.” She stepped toward him and together they sank down onto the mattress to lie together.
“Come here,” he ordered.
She moved closer until she felt his arms tighten around her. She let out a breath and relaxed into him.
“Thank you,” she heard him mumble. He pressed a kiss against her cheek, and relaxed, as they clung to each other. For at least an hour, they lay in each other’s arms, neither saying a word, letting the adrenaline fade. Gradually, she felt her muscles relax.
***
Rob heard MJ’s breathing deepen, signaling she’d finally fallen asleep. He remained keyed up from the nightmare. The dream had been so vivid. He’d felt the dread of waiting to be pulled from their dark cell, and his body ached, almost as if he’d really been beaten and tortured. Trevor had been with him in the dream, and he hadn’t been in good shape. Rusty and Kyle were the other two in the cell with them. He’d known they’d all probably die there unless someone came along and rescued them. Their captors had come for him, and he’d tried to resist, tried to fight. He’d gotten the upper hand and tackled one of them.
That was when he’d attacked MJ. Shit. He couldn’t believe he’d been so far gone. How could he stay here and expose her to the danger he posed? He’d thought he was getting better, that being around her had helped both him and Maverick heal from all they’d experienced.
He carefully rolled away from her and slipped out of the bedroom, his mind full of “what-ifs.” What if he’d hurt her? What if she hadn’t been able to wake him up? Jeez, what if he attacked her again? Post-traumatic stress disorder was a minefield, full of unpredictable, uncontrollable triggers. He should have told her, but he hated to admit he suffered from it. It didn’t matter that the vets’ community was full of people who experienced horrible things in war and suffered PTSD. Hell, it was hard to admit to himself he had it. Telling a woman like MJ was embarrassing and emasculating. He wanted to be a better man than that. He wanted to be a brave warrior who survived shit, not one who was destroyed by the death of his best bud.
He sat at the kitchen table, considering what to do. Maybe he ought to pack up and leave Ridgeview. Maverick would take care of her. She was proficient enough to care for the dog. He let the idea settle in. It would probably be for the best. He rested his head on the table, closing his eyes and trying to absorb what the future would be like without MJ in it. Even though it would be better for her, the emptiness he envisioned for his future life overwhelmed him. He impatiently wiped away the tears that gathered. He needed to man up.
A cold sensation on his bare foot startled him, and he saw Maverick settle under the table at his feet. His cold nose touched Rob’s ankle next, and he reached down to ruffle the fur on the dog’s neck. God, he’d miss this dog. Brown eyes looked up at him, and for a moment, he felt Trevor in the room with them.
“Don’t be a wimp, Rob,” he heard his buddy say. “Stay with her. Love her. Let her help you both move on.”
Could he do that? Could he take that chance? He wanted a normal life. He wanted to love MJ and build a relationship with her. Did he dare risk it?
Maverick whimpered and scrambled out from under the table, looking around as if he’d seen a ghost. He nudged Rob’s hip with his nose, and looked up at him with sad eyes.
“I know, buddy. I felt him too. I don’t know what to do, but I guess I’d better figure it out, huh?”
Maverick licked his hand, and Rob reached over to pet him again. The dog sighed and relaxed against him.
“You’re right, Maverick. She is worth it.” He looked around the room, wishing he still felt Trevor’s presence there. “Thanks, buddy,” he whispered to his absent friend, “I’ll try not to let you down.”
Chapter Sixteen
Rob slid into the bed next to MJ. Initially, he considered sleeping on the couch. She’d come in here after his nightmare, not to spend the night. He lay there, trying not to move. He didn’t want to wake her. She had to get up in a few hours. Sleeping in the same bed didn’t mean they were ready for intimacy, much as he wanted to wake her with kisses, and explore her sweet body. Cool your jets, Romeo. He turned over, facing her back and moved closer to spoon. Nothing wrong with a little cuddling. He listened to her breathe, and the steady, slow breaths lulled him into relaxation.
He woke up to the sound of her alarm from her bedroom. Her warm body still lay pressed against him. He didn’t want to, but he had to wake her up. “MJ, it’s time to get up.” He shook her shoulder slightly.
She moved against him, and he felt himself harden. He rolled back, hoping she wouldn’t notice. “It’s time to get up, sweetheart. Your alarm is going off.”
She breathed in deeply, her eyes popped open, and a smile creased her face. “Sorry. I fell asleep in here. I meant to go back to my room.” A look of uncertainty crossed her face.
“It’s fine. I like your company.” He wouldn’t tell her about his urge to run.
Maverick scrambled to his feet and moved from the end of the bed to Rob’s side. Putting his nose onto the bed, he gave Rob a woebegone look.
He laughed. “Guess Maverick wants breakfast. You get ready for work, and I’ll feed him and start some coffee. What do you want for breakfast?”
“I’ll just have raisin toast. I ate too much last night and don’t need a big breakfast. Let me go take a shower, and I’ll meet you boys in the kitchen.” She rubbed her face and then scurried out of the room.
“C’mon, boy, mangia.”
Maverick answered with a happy expression and several pants as he followed Rob into the kitchen. After a quick
trip outside, he fed Maverick and started making breakfast.
As she ate her toast, MJ turned to remind him. “Since it’s Thursday, we have dinner at Mom’s. You’re coming, aren’t you?”
He shook his head and avoided eye contact. “I don’t want to horn in on your family night. We’ll stay here. I’ll wait to take Maverick out for his walk. That way, you can continue to work with him.”
He saw a shadow cross her face, before she put on a fake smile. “Sure, that’s fine. I understand how it might bore you.”
“It’s not that, MJ. You have family traditions that I’m not part of. It’s okay. We don’t have to do everything together just because I’m staying here.”
He felt embarrassed by what had happened last night. If they were going to have a relationship, he needed to see about getting some help. That task moved up to the top of his to-do list today. He’d see what VA services were available, and he’d make an appointment. He shuddered at the thought of delving into the things he’d seen and done, and all the loss. War sucked, as did PTSD, but he’d do what was necessary. He needed to become whole again.
“Okay. I’ll see you tonight.” MJ didn’t seem thrilled. He leaned in to kiss her, but she moved out of the way and turned to leave. Oh, boy, he’d messed this up.
After the car backed out of the driveway, he searched his phone to find the location of the nearest VA facility. Nothing in Ridgeview or nearby Green Oak. Knoxville had an outpatient office, and the nearest VA hospital was over a hundred miles away. He’d try the outpatient center. He jotted down the number. They wouldn’t be open now. He’d have time to do PT at the park with Maverick.
He hooked Maverick to the leash and off they went. He jogged slowly to warm up, and then after the first five minutes, they increased their pace. He kept his eye on the dog’s gait as they ran, ready to cut back if he saw any sign Maverick was limping. So far so good for both of them. Once they reached the park, they slowed to a walk, and he caught his breath. “Maverick, sit,” he commanded and dropped the leash so he could stretch out his leg and massage his knee. He leaned over, bracing himself as he stretched his back and hips. He was coming along.
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