“Have you set a date yet?” she finally asked because the suspense of it made her a little crazy.
Tess blushed and looked at Nick as if questioning him. He nodded. “We just decided. We’re getting married in late spring.”
“That’s wonderful!” MJ said.
“Congratulations,” Rob said, squeezing MJ’s hand. She stroked his hand with her fingers below the table.
They moved into a discussion of their wedding plans, interrupted only by the waitress taking their order.
The talk of a wedding made MJ think about marriage. Would she and Rob end up together? Was he thinking about it as he heard Tess and Nick talk about their plans?
“MJ, we’d like you to be in the wedding party,” Tess said, startling MJ out of her thoughts. “My friend Grace Dawson will be the Matron of Honor, but we’d like you to be a bridesmaid if you’re willing.”
“I’m honored,” she answered immediately. “I’m so happy for you two, and I’d love to be part of your special day.”
“Perfect,” said Nick.
As the four of them ate their hamburgers, their conversation moved on to talk about the break-in.
“Have you heard anything from the police about Kent Barnard?” asked Nick.
“The detective called to let us know that they are keeping him in jail until his trial on the sexual abuse of his daughter. He wasn’t supposed to have contact with his ex-wife, which he violated, and they’d warned him to stay away from Rob and Maverick. At his bond hearing, the prosecutor argued that he was a danger to the community.” MJ shuddered.
Rob leaned in and put his arm around her shoulder. “It’s okay, sweetheart.”
“I know, but I still think about what might have happened if they’d been a few minutes later.” She leaned into his chest, taking solace from his embrace. She saw her brother cringe. Apparently, he also thought about what might have happened.
“The detective told me that the grand jury indicted him for breaking and entering and attempted assault with a deadly weapon because of the knife he carried.” MJ did her best to hide her emotions, taking a deep breath to calm herself.
“Will you have to testify at a preliminary hearing or trial?” ask Tess.
“Probably. Detective Bailey said the Attorney General’s office would contact me about when I need to testify.”
Their conversation ran out, and shortly afterward, she and Rob excused themselves and went home.
“I hate thinking about it,” she confessed to him as they stood in the backyard, letting Maverick explore and do his nightly duty.
“I know. I do, too.”
“I wish I could just forget all about it and never had to talk about it again.”
Rob called Maverick over and then pulled her into his arms. “I wish it had never happened, babe. Neither of us deserved to have him target us like that. The important thing is for us to stay safe, and not to let him take up space in our heads. We need to go on living.”
She nodded and hugged him, burying her nose in the crease of his neck and shoulder. “And loving.”
“Now you’re talking,” Rob said as her directed her chin up where he could lean down and kiss her lips.
She took a deep breath, relieved that Rob could banish the bad stuff with a kiss. She kissed him back, letting her emotions communicate how much she loved him.
Chapter Thirty
Each time he went to the PTSD Support Group, Rob felt more comfortable. Not that the subject was free of anxiety, but he and the others in attendance had a lot in common. He hadn’t worked up the nerve to talk about his own issues yet, but he listened avidly, and took the solutions offered to try on his own.
Tyler was becoming a good friend, and they often talked about the meeting on the way home, each sharing their own experiences. Tonight was no exception.
“What do you think about sharing the fact you suffer from PTSD with other people?” he asked as they drove back to Ridgeview.
“It’s hard to face that risk, but I think it’s important,” Tyler answered. “I tried to keep it covered up when I first got back. Everybody knew I was injured, but I felt weird sharing information about PTSD. I thought people would judge me.”
“But you started telling them?”
“Yeah. I was careful who I shared it with, and I tried to pick people I could trust. My brother and parents were first. I couldn’t hide it very well from them, anyway. Don’t laugh, but I practiced by telling my horses.”
Rob looked at him, startled. “Really? Why?”
“Well, you know, horses don’t lie, and they don’t like people who do. They sense it when you’re not being real. They read your body language, so if you are trying to hold back and hide something, they know, and they react. They don’t trust you.”
“I never thought of it that way, but you’re right.”
“So, I started talking to them about it. If I was feeling overwhelmed, I’d tell them. The more I talked about the experience over in the Sandbox, the more it lost its power over me. I could admit it had terrified me, that I’d lost my best friends, and that I was afraid I couldn’t cope. The more honest I was, the less they reacted. They accepted my emotions, even if those emotions were anger or fear, because my words matched my emotions. They could tell I was honest, and that made them more comfortable around me, even when I was experiencing negative reactions to the shit in my head.”
“How long did that take?”
Tyler laughed. “Months. I felt stupid doing it and didn’t tell a soul. When I finally told Dad what I was doing, he told me it was a smart approach. Whenever he worried about things, he’d talk to his favorite horse, and things would get better. He thought it had to do with the relationship they had, but I think it’s about how they react as prey animals.”
“I get it. They watch their environment for things that are out of place, because their safety comes from things being congruent, including the surrounding humans.” Rob thought about it. “When we pretend to be all right and we aren’t, the horses figure there’s some danger that we see and they don’t. They figure they have to be watchful and ready to run away.”
“Exactly,” Tyler responded.
“I think PTSD has to do with being stuck in a fight-or-flight response. You aren’t still in the situation, but you’re responding as if you are.” He rubbed his chin and made a face. “It sucks.”
Tyler nodded. “But when you admit to others that you’re reacting from a memory of a situation you’re no longer in, it takes the power away from it. It’s like you finally register that the danger you experience and the terror you feel isn’t real. It isn’t happening now, except in your memory.”
“And those memories are a bitch,” Rob reminded him.
“Yeah, they are.” There was silence between them as they both thought about their own private hell. “Anyway, once I’d talked about it endlessly to the horses, I began to experiment with telling others—the guys in the support group, some of my friends who’ve been in combat or who knew people that were. Eventually, I told people I didn’t know very well.”
“How did they react?” Rob asked.
“Usually fairly well. Once in a while, there’d be people who’d act wary and pull away from me, but I figured, ‘fuck them.’ I don’t need people in my life that I can’t be honest with.”
Rob nodded. “Makes sense.” He let out a sigh. “Trying to keep it hidden is more of strain, and when I was trying to hide it from MJ, my symptoms got worse.” He looked at his lap and drew in a breath. “MJ woke me up from a nightmare one time, and I grabbed her and choked her.” He peered over at his friend. “Thank God, I snapped out of it before I hurt her. Scared her, though.”
Tyler nodded. “I’ll bet.”
“That’s what got me to call the VA. I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt an innocent.”
“You did the right thing, you know.” Tyler took the turn into Ridgeview.
“I know it.” They fell silent as they drove toward MJ’
s. “I’m surprised at how much talking about it helps.”
“I felt that way, too,” Tyler agreed. “Just so you know, you can call me anytime.”
“Thanks. I will.” He felt grateful for the other man’s willingness to be open about what he’d experienced working through PTSD.
“Remember, you can come out and ride anytime. Or come out and talk to my horses. They’re good listeners, as long as you don’t try to hide your shit.”
They both laughed, and Rob got out of Tyler’s Expedition. “See ya.”
Tyler stopped him. “I meant to tell you. I called my neighbor, Jethro Gordon, and he’ll let me know when he can get together. Maybe later this week. I thought you’d like to meet somebody who raises cattle. He’s a good guy.”
“I appreciate it.” Rob closed the door to the SUV. For the first time in a long time, things felt like they were falling into place.
The light over the kitchen sink was on, but the living room was empty. He found MJ lying in bed reading a thick book encased in a brightly colored dust cover. She looked up, and he leaned down and kissed her.
“How was your group?” she asked, closing the book and setting it on the nightstand.
“Good. Interesting. Helpful. I had a great conversation with Tyler on the way home.” He’d told her about their budding friendship, and his successful trail ride. MJ hadn’t met him yet, but they would meet next week for Thanksgiving dinner. He gave her the rough outline of their discussion about talking to horses.
“That makes sense to me,” MJ said. “I read a book about horses and humans partnering together for workshops and corporate training. The training uses the fact that horses react when humans fake their reactions, like when humans pretend to be confident when they aren’t, or when they try to lead a horse toward a goal when they’re ambivalent about it. The book said that horses watch to make sure that humans are authentic, and that what they’re expressing outside is in line with what they’re feeling on the inside. I guess that’s what you meant when you said ‘horses don’t lie,’ and they know it when you do. It was fascinating. I’ll bring it home. They talk about how horses serve as therapists in substance abuse programs. Like that movie with Sandra Bullock.”
He looked at her, gobsmacked. She had such a wide range of knowledge about so many things. Most things he discussed with her, she had already read a book about, and this was no exception.
“You amaze me,” he said. “I thought this was a wild hair thing, and you tell me there are already books and movies about the subject.”
“Well, yeah. I’ve told you, I’m a good researcher. That’s what librarians do. We stockpile knowledge and share it with people.”
He slid into bed next to her and pulled her close. “I love it when you surprise me like this. You know more than anyone I’ve ever met.”
He watched her blush as she dropped her head onto his shoulder. Damned adorable.
“How did things go with Maverick tonight?”
“Good. I took him around the block nearly five times. He had a lot of energy, but he minded well.”
“Glad to hear it.”
“We missed you, though.”
“We’ll go together tomorrow after work, if you’re up for that.”
“I am. I love all the routines we’ve worked out.”
He hadn’t thought of it that way, but they had created a bunch of routines together. He and Maverick worked out together every morning during the week. He stopped by to have lunch with MJ several times a week at the library, and he often made dinner for them before they headed out to walk Maverick together. “There’s one thing we haven’t done, though.”
“What’s that?” she poked him in the side.
“We haven’t created a routine for a date night. We have other routines, but I think we need to have at least one night a week we reserve for spending together and having fun. I want to make sure we don’t get into a rut and forget to build our relationship.” He gazed in her eyes to see what she thought of the idea.
“You’re right. We need to nurture our relationship by spending special time together. What night do you want to designate as date night? Should we set a certain day of the week, or set a different day every week?”
“Let’s set a special day. We can change it if it doesn’t work, but I don’t want it to get lost if we get busy. Is that okay?” He checked for her reaction.
She nodded in agreement. “Sure. I think it should be Friday or Saturday night.”
“I agree. That’s traditional. My vote would be Saturday. That way we can expand it to a whole day if we want to.”
“Ooh,” she squealed. “You already want to turn date night into date-all-day?”
“Well, sure.” He leaned in to tickle her, and she retaliated. Both of them ended up laughing and wrestling with each other, until they fell against each other, kissing and gasping for breath.
Maverick seemed confused about whether they were fighting, because he jumped up onto the bed, and sat between them, giving each a solemn doggy stare, which made them laugh even harder.
“Stop!” MJ begged, laughing, and holding her stomach. “It hurts.”
Maverick licked her face. “That’s right, boy. Protect her,” Rob said, trying to stop laughing. He leaned over and ruffled the dog’s fur. “Good boy. Bravo.”
He got up and led the dog into the hallway, before coming back into the bedroom and closing the door. He slipped out of his clothes and slid into bed next to MJ.
“C’mere,” he whispered. “I want you all to myself.”
***
MJ swam back to consciousness with a series of kisses on her face, her neck, and her shoulders. She’d been having the best dream of her and Rob walking on a mountain trail together, holding hands, and talking about their future. She felt such love in the dream, and it transferred over to the present moment. Ahh. She dreamed they lived on a ranch overlooking the Smoky Mountains. They had horses, cattle, chickens, and even a goat. Maverick had been in the dream, and he watched over them. Protecting them and their stock from coyotes, wolves, and bears. She’d never thought about living on a ranch, so the way she’d embraced this fantasy so fully surprised her. It hadn’t ever been anything she’d imagined. With Rob, though, it would seem like a natural thing.
Insistent kisses pulled her out of memories of her dream and lit a fire of desire. She moaned and turned to kiss him back.
“Good morning, sweetheart. Did you have a nice dream?” His deep, sexy voice made her wiggle closer.
“Oh, yes. It was wonderful.” Her own voice came out husky.
“I suspected that. The way you were moaning made me hot. Sorry, I couldn’t stand to let you keep sleeping. I hope you were dreaming of me.”
“Of course. You’re my love, the man of my dreams.” There was a bump at the bedroom door. “Uh oh, it sounds like the other male in my life wants some attention.”
Rob huffed as if in protest. “Here I thought I was the only male in your life.”
“Sorry. You’ve got to share. Don’t worry, though, I have enough love for you both.”
Rob laughed. “I sure hope so. I think I could take him, but I’m not sure. He’s pretty well trained in mouth-to-hand combat.”
She giggled. “Well, we’d better not test it.” She scrambled to her feet, and opened the door, falling back into bed as Maverick rushed in and tangled himself around her feet.
“Calm down, buddy,” Rob said. “I’ll take you out in a minute.”
“Great, because I need to take a shower and get ready for work. I’ve got to get ready for story time this morning, and I haven’t picked out a book yet.”
After she finished drying her hair and getting dressed for work, Rob and Maverick were back. Rob had brewed a cup of coffee for her, and filled the dog’s bowl full of kibble.
“What do you want for breakfast?” he asked.
She checked the clock. “I don’t have time for anything. I’ll just drink my coffee and take some yogurt to work
with me.”
“How about ordering something for supper tonight?”
“That sounds good. What do you feel like? Mexican? Italian?”
“How about Italian? Maybe something besides pizza.”
“Perfect. If you want to order something from Romano’s, I’ll pick it up on my way home.”
“No, I’ll do it. I have some errands to run, so I’ll save them for this afternoon. What time do you think you’ll be home?”
“Probably the usual time. Five-thirty. Can you order me meat lasagna with a side of garlic bread and a dinner salad?”
“Sure.” He leaned over and kissed her. “Have a good day, babe.”
“You, too.”
While driving to work, MJ thought about how lucky she was. After Trevor’s death, she hadn’t believed she’d ever find anyone else to love. She’d been wrong. She’d found a wonderful man in such an unexpected way. This was serious. She wanted to grow old with Rob.
She could see them living on a ranch together, having a family, and sitting on a front porch in rocking chairs. It was a daydream of a stable, ordinary life, but one filled with love for each other.
Rob loved her, but he also respected her. She could tell by how he acted while training her to manage Maverick. He encouraged her and helped her build her confidence. He was a man who brought out the best in her. Like the way her dad had treated her mom. Remembering how lost Mom had been when Dad died in that truck accident made her wonder how she’d ever manage if something happened to Rob. The loss she felt with Trevor’s death had been devastating, and what she’d felt for him had been infatuation—a dream built on adolescent fantasies. Her relationship with Rob felt deeper, more real, and much more mature. It was a relationship between an adult man and an adult woman. They still had a way to go to make sure they could withstand the challenges they would face. Life could throw many unexpected things at you. She didn’t know for sure, but she believed she and Rob could weather whatever they faced, as long as they faced it together.
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