by Grace, Hazel
“Sounds like you two need to have a conversation about that,” I allege. “Has nothing to do with me.” A line forms between her brows like I’m the slow one in this exchange of worthless chatter.
I didn’t come here to gawk at Sawyer all night. I showed up to spend time out of the house and get buzzed so that I didn’t have to think about her.
“I know Taylor has been telling her the same thing,” she continues. “And if I really had a problem with Sawyer, you know I’m not scared of you or Gavin trying to fuck with my being captain of the cheerleading squad.”
I raise both my brows. “You should be, Captain Obvious, because it would be easy.”
“I wield just as much power as the both of you, I just don’t flaunt it like you assholes waving your dicks around school,” she snaps. “Very rarely do I fuck with anyone unless they strike first. Sawyer was collateral damage.”
“You want me to believe that you have Sawyer’s best interests at heart?”
“Not in a ‘let’s hug it out’ kinda way, but I don’t want to see her lose what she’s worked hard for. She’s smart and nice, from what I can see. Gavin doesn’t deserve her.” She looks me up and down. “And you don’t either.”
“And us kissing is going to do what exactly?”
“You’re blind if you don’t see that she likes you.”
“Still not grasping the concept here on what that has to do with us kissing. It isn’t going to do shit but leave you bragging about it.”
“Wanna bet?” I don’t challenge her offhand because I’m curious. Sawyer won’t take a leap with me if she’s still with Gavin. “And you get fifty bucks, Hayes. So...this is a one-time offer.”
But I’m not going to trick her into breaking up with him just to try me out.
“Go fuck yourself, Camila.”
Ten years ago
It’s the same shit, different night, a few less people and more punk music, but Gavin dragged me to yet another party to “spend time together.” When I noticed we were coming up to Moonlight Ridge, I thought he had a special evening planned by the lake, maybe we’d cuddle up on a blanket and look at the stars or make out to the sound of the soft waves.
Not spend time with all his buddies, standing around a ping pong table playing beer pong.
I heard one of the girls say that Colson was here, but I haven’t seen him, and didn’t look around for him either. Instead, I’ve been sitting on top of a cooler, popping caps of Bud Lights and chugging them down like a fish.
Gavin hasn’t noticed while Heather has been pestering me to slow down. She’s an irritation as it is for telling Colson all my secrets about what I wanted for this year. So, her “advice” is unwelcome at this moment and anytime in the near future.
My mind is fuzzy from the beer and lack of food. Ben is selling hot dogs, but I don’t have an appetite, and I’m sure Colson is lurking around him anyway. I’ll take a hard pass on that and eat when I get home.
“What are you doing?” I peer up to see Taylor scowling down at me with her hands on her hips like a pissed-off mother.
I smile. “Aw, Taylor!” I stand, but my legs give out from my sitting for so long, and her hands catch me.
“Sawyer, are you seriously drunk?” I wrap my arm around her for support and because I’m happy to see her.
“Slightly buzzed,” I correct. “And why are you getting mad at me about it? You get plastered almost every weekend.”
“Um, no I don’t, and because this isn’t like you.” She peers over at Gavin. “What did he do?” I grin like an idiot, but I can’t help it.
“Nothing, he brought me here and...I got bored.”
“Heather called me.”
I squint my eyes. “Heather has a knack for having a big-ass mouth.”
“She was worried.”
“I’m fine.” The music suddenly turns from emo to R&B, and I rip my arm away from around Taylor’s shoulders and clap.
“Oh, they changed the music!”
“Yeah,” Taylor replies, unmoved. “How about we—” I start for the small crowd that’s dancing in the middle of a clearing of trees.
I want to dance.
I want to forget the last few weeks and just have a good time.
I want to not feel so conflicted to the point I can’t sleep.
I want to—
I’m jerked back and into Taylor’s boobs.
“How about we go grab some food at Burger Joint,” she professes. “I’ll buy you a chocolate milkshake.”
I wrinkle my nose. “I don’t like chocolate, and I want to dance.” I tear myself from her grasp and stumble gracefully toward the small crowd.
“Can’t Leave You Alone” by Fabolous plays around the cove of woods, there aren’t many people dancing but enough to not feel weird by being the only one out here bopping around like a goofball.
The other kids smile as I approach, they appear drunk but carefree, and a dark-haired guy holds out his hand for me to take. I shrug, clasping his hand and moving side to side to the music. The beat is easy, not requiring too much balance, and he twirls me around and presses his chest to my back.
Holding both of my hands, we sway side to side, and he raises them over my head. His fingertips graze down my arms, but I’m too lost in the music to care. It’s not like Gavin is going to notice or care. Besides, he trusts me, I’m not going to disappear with this dude and start necking him.
I’ve been doing a pretty good job dodging the only person he should ever worry about.
I feel a brush along my ribs, my hands still twisting and swaying, the cool night air off the lake softly caressing my flushed cheeks from drinking, and I close my eyes. Everything is so peaceful out here, the moon is beautiful and bright, I lost count of how many stars were in the sky a few hours ago. Soon, I’d have to go home, probably with one of Gavin’s teammates because he’s inebriated and I’m not jumping in a car with him.
I falter back a little, expecting to be saved by the chest of my new dance partner, but instead I’m saved by a pair of hands. I blow out an exhale of relief from the prospect of having a sore ass if I had fallen on the hard ground and turn around only for my next inhale to cease.
Looking up at a pair of copper eyes, Colson stands there, still holding me in his arms. I’m caught off guard. I thought my lack of response or feeding into his lines of bullshit would make him evade me like his life depended on it.
“Bases.” His tone is throaty and mirthless, killing my soused state of mind.
Sort of.
“Hello, Colson,” I greet with the same timbre in my voice.
“What are you doing?” I press my lips together and look around at the other people dancing, thinking it should be obvious.
“Dancing,” I deadpan.
“I see that.”
“Did you want to dance?”
“No...thanks.”
I sway on my feet. “Okayyyy....did you need something?” He blinks then looks heavenward, blowing out a breath through his lips. “Are you calling for wolves or something?”
He furrows his brows and peers back down at me. “How much did you drink?”
“Enough that you being this close doesn’t faze me,” I blurt. I don’t think I was supposed to say that out loud, but oh well.
“Does it faze you when you’re not boozed up?” I’m expecting to see one side of his lips quirk up in amusement, but nada.
He’s stone-cold serious.
“No.” He attempts to guide me away, but I stay planted to the dirt below me.
“C’mon,” he stresses. “Let’s go get you something to eat.”
“I’m not hungry.”
His eyes widen. “You’re going to hurt Ben’s feelings?” I furrow my brows. I’d never do anything to upset him, he’s always been nice to me.
“No.”
He jerks his head behind him. “Then c’mon, he has a hot dog ready for you.” I watch him take off without me, slowly making his way to Ben.
My
feet start to follow and, on command, my stomach growls. I’m starting to wonder if I can buy a new body that Colson can’t demand with his words.
I keep a distance between us, eyeing him as he places a hand on Ben’s back and turns around with a hot dog in his hands.
“Mustard, right?” I nod, watching him flip the mustard container in the air and catch it. He squeezes some on my food and strides over to me, where I’m keeping my proximity safe.
Colson hands over the hot dog, and I take it. “How did you know I like mustard?”
He shrugs and cups my elbow, directing us over to a fallen log away from some of the noise. I hear Ben tell someone to turn the music down, and I take a seat, biting down on my food.
It is the best hot dog I have ever had in my life. I’m already halfway through before I notice the silence surrounding me and glance up to see Colson staring at me.
“Good?” I acknowledge by bowing my head. “When you’re done, we’ll get you back to Gavin and make sure someone is sober to drive you guys home.”
“Okay,” I reply, taking another bite of my hot dog. Colson shifts his weight from one foot to the other, and I say, “Can you sit down? You’re making me anxious.”
He chuckles and sits next to me on the log, keeping a riskless distance between us. The sound of crickets chirp, the velvety breeze wafts around me, and it hits me like a ton of bricks.
The ultimate game.
It was on a night just like this.
Exactly like this.
But the guy sitting next to me is feeding me instead of scowling like he wants to strangle the life out of me.
Over the course of I don’t know how many weeks, things have changed between us. They are fierce but gentle, a whirlwind of so many emotions that I never can land on one or the other. I don’t know if I should despise him or consider Colson a friend. All I know is that in my hazy state, all of it doesn’t matter. Tomorrow will be just another mundane day.
“You leaving for camp tomorrow?” Colson asks.
I cross my ankles. “Yep, I’ll be back Sunday night.”
“You’re going to feel like shit tomorrow, just take it easy and tell Gordon you’re on your period or something.” I furrow my brows and peer over at him. His serious face gets me to burst out in laughter that he’d even think of something like that as an excuse for not practicing tomorrow.
“You’re something else, Hayes,” I croon, shaking my head.
“So are you.”
“Mhm, something like a pain in the ass?”
He smiles. “Started like that.”
“We gave each other a good run. Thanks to you, I now know how much cement you’d need to plaster a car to a flagpole.”
“I’ll have to write that down if I ever need to take a chapter out of your book.”
“Rent out all the jack hammers,” I offer. “I forgot to do that.” He laughs, rubs his forehead, and looks over at me.
“Awww, Bases, that would’ve been evil as fuck.” I wink and avert my gaze from him.
If things with him in the beginning would have been like this, I would’ve kissed him over Gavin that night. Things would’ve been different, not sure if it would have been worse or better, but we’ve both made choices that led us to where we are today.
Gavin and our futures.
Ten years ago
I throw his Varsity jacket at his chest as hard as I can, fully aware that it won’t hurt. Not even close to the way I’m feeling right now. Not with my pricked pride and the fact that I was actually excited to see him when I got home from softball camp.
Betrayal courses through every vein in my body, along with the limitless amount of stupidity having ignored all the signs thrown in my face. He masked it with pretty words and kisses, telling me that he’s never met someone as special as me. That he wanted us to go to the same college, work toward our dreams, and travel.
That he couldn’t live without me by his side while he played baseball because he needed me cheering him on.
Like a team.
A couple in love.
Best friends who told each other everything.
But like some dreams, they’re unattainable and unrealistic, no matter how hard you try to believe they could be. And with Gavin, I ignored everyone and everything just to give us an honest chance, one he didn’t deserve and that I was naive enough to hand out.
“I never want to see you again,” I smolder, hearing my voice crack. He meets me with blank eyes as though the words that leave my mouth don’t hit him in the way they should.
With guilt.
Regret.
Sadness.
All I get are a few blinks from a blank face, and I can’t stand being this close to him. His proximity is eating away at my sanity, my composure, and my confidence. Everything that is Gavin Sheston is a Goddamn joke told to a crowd of people who don’t mutter a word in acknowledgment.
Reaching for the necklace he bought me, I begin to tug it away from my skin. The silver chain digs into my flesh as I snap it in half and chuck it at his face.
“Sawyer, seriously, chill out,” Gavin scolds quietly. The boys’ locker room is full of his teammates who are slowly leaving, probably waiting to see if I’m going to slap or knee him in the nuts.
I should do both.
I should slam his head into the lockers and blow his eardrum out by screaming in it about how much of an asshole he is. How he didn’t deserve me, but I gave him a piece of me anyways. One I could never get back.
My virginity.
I’ve never been a violent person, not until him or Colson forced themselves into my life. A nagging need to inflict some sort of pain becomes louder in my head, and I try to control it. Normally, I breathe out my temper, because of my sister and customers at King Kone who test me on a daily basis.
But when Taylor told me the news, I lost all of my better judgment, storming in here like a psychopath.
I think I even knocked one of the trash cans over on my way in.
“You just need to calm down,” Gavin croons, looming closer to me and exposing his palms in a silent truce.
“I’ll chill out when you’re out of my life,” I snap, working at the bracelet on my wrist.
“Just keep it,” Gavin urges as I struggle with the clasp. He tries to pry my hand free, but I smack it away.
“No.” I bite my lower lip, feeling tears start to emerge from my eyes.
God, please not now.
“C’mon, it wasn’t anything,” he hails calmly. “You were gone for two days. I mean, what did you expect me to do?”
My attention flashes to him. “Umm...I don’t know, be faithful?! Geezus, what a concept!”
“It was Brittany Getters, for fuck sakes, she’s a no one.” I narrow my eyes, blood rushing to my head like it’s going to explode any second now.
I loathe him.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better? Do we all get a free pass because, damn, I would’ve loved to know that.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Gavin bites out, furrowing his brows like I just said something wrong. “Is someone trying to hook up with you?” I press my lips together and start working at my bracelet again.
I need it off, I want his possessions away from my body. Just the feel of the metal against my skin makes me feel cheap.
His hand lands on mine, and I flinch at his contact, treading back and hitting the lockers behind me.
“Answer my questions,” he snaps. “Who’s trying to hook up with you?”
“Don’t touch me,” I hiss, thrusting him away by his shoulders. “You don’t get to ask me questions. You don’t get to berate me like I did something wrong when you were the one going behind my back and screwing around.”
“You’re being stupid as shit,” Gavin complains, blowing air out through his cheeks.
I don’t respond, there isn’t anything else to really say. I just want this bracelet off, to go home, cry, watch sappy movies, eat cookie dough ice cream,
and wipe this experience under the rug.
“I love you, Sawyer. Look, I’m sorry.” I get the clasp undone from the bracelet and thrust it into his chest.
“You don’t love me. I was gone at softball camp for a weekend, not taking a military tour around the fucking world.” I stab a finger into his chest. “You were messing around with Brittany Getters while texting me how much you missed me and—”
“I did miss you,” he retorts, palming the bracelet in his hand. “I wouldn’t of messaged you if I didn’t—”
“Don’t worry about it,” I fume. “Don’t ever text or call me again. We’re done.”
“We’re done?” His voice turns darker, a sliver of anger slipping through his mellow veneer. “Who the fuck do you think you are? You were a fucking no one until I showed an ounce of interest in you.”
I tsk. “You could’ve saved that. I don’t remember flaunting myself toward you.”
“Doesn’t mean you didn’t want me.”
“You’re a conceited piece of shit, Gavin. Good luck.” His arm shoots out to grab my upper arm, and stops me from leaving.
“I took your V-card,” he opposes. “I gave you the best fuck of your life.”
“The only fuck of my life. On the floor of a movie theatre because that’s memorable.” I jerk my arm from his grasp. “And unfortunately, it was from you.”
“You’re acting like a bitch, Sawyer.”
“Yep, I sure am. Play that card, it’ll take you places.”
He bristles. “Who else did you think was going to screw you? Guys want an experienced girl, not someone who just lays there.”
“Well, I hope Brittany was active enough for you.”
“We can work this out,” he refutes. “If you want me to fuck you on—” I rear back. Just the thought of him doing anything with me makes my stomach twist in knots.