Key Lime Pie Perjury: Cozy Mystery (MURDER IN THE MIX Book 34)

by Addison Moore

  “Don’t worry.” Charlie glowers at me a moment. “I’m not getting limber for Foxy,” she says the nickname Carlotta christened Noah with. “I’ve got a ton of hot looking prospects down at Red Satin.”

  I cringe at the thought. “Charlie, those aren’t the kind of men you want. Why don’t you take me up on my offer and come work for me at the bakery? You don’t really want to spin on a pole all night for money.”

  “Like I said, you can’t pay me enough to make it worth my time. Besides, I’m not a baker. I prefer the savory fare.”

  “Then come work for me at the Honey Pot Diner.”

  She narrows her eyes my way. “Oh, I will work at the Honey Pot Diner—when I gain full legal right of that place—and apparently, an entire litany of others, too, once Grandma Nell’s real estate holdings are sliced right down the middle.”

  Carlotta growls, “The judge already said that Lot didn’t have to share anything Nell left her. If my sister, brother, and I weren’t able to pry it out of her greedy little hands, what makes you think you can?”

  For the most part, everything Carlotta said was true, so I don’t even bother giving her a sideways glance regarding it.

  Charlie grunts out a laugh. “Neither of you knows what I’m capable of. Once I put my mind to something—to quote Thirteen, you’d have better luck plucking a steak from a pit bull’s mouth than getting me to change directions. Now scat both of you.” She stomps her foot, and Carlotta jumps behind my back to use me as a human shield, but I don’t flinch.

  “I deal with a crying infant and dirty diapers at all hours of the night. You don’t scare me,” I seethe as I say it. “Stop embarrassing the both of us and take me up on my offer.”

  Charlie turns her nose up at me. “So that’s what’s got your panties in a wad,” she shouts. “You’re afraid people will start hash-tagging those half-naked pictures of me as hot baker?”

  “They already have,” I shout back. “And it’s no use debating them. They all think it’s me anyway. Are you happy? You’re ruining both your reputation and mine.”

  A guttural laugh bumps from her. “Oh, honey, you did that all on your own,” she smears the words right at me. “And you had a little help from Hot Judge and Hot Cop in the endeavor, too, so don’t go pretending like you’re Little Miss Innocent just because you sling dirty diapers all night long. Boo-hoo, cry me a river, Lottie. I don’t care one bit that people might mistake me for you. I’ve got to get my life on track. And I’m this close to doing it, too. I’m so grateful that your mother is letting me live in this mansion rent-free, I’m not going to miss out on the first opportunity I’ve had to save up some money so I can get a real place of my own. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve had a solid roof over my head if you don’t count the motels this one landed me in more times than I care to remember.” She shoots Carlotta a lethal look.

  “Charlie”—I take a step closer to her—“where did you live when you weren’t in a motel?”

  “We had a small RV.” She nods. “Nothing fancy. I slept on the floor.”

  “The floor?” My voice hikes as I turn to Carlotta.

  “Stop judging me, Lot.” She smacks me on the back. “I didn’t have Joseph Lemon putting bread on the table or Miranda Lemon running around with her friends while I ran wild on the streets of Honey Hollow.”

  I cluck my tongue. “My sisters and I did not run wild through the streets of Honey Hollow. You make it sound as if we were raised by wolves.”

  The sound of howling comes from our left, and all movement ceases in the lobby as we spot Lainey standing on the reception counter, pounding on her chest before blowing a whistle that hangs from her neck.

  “Hear ye, hear ye!” she shouts. “Mommy and me will begin in five minutes.” She proceeds to hop down with a little help from Wiley as my mother hands her my sweet niece Josie. “See you all inside the conservatory!”

  Bodies begin to drain from the lobby as the masses head in that direction.

  “Okay, so some of us have a little wild streak in us,” I say. “But it’s not me. Charlie, I’ll crunch some numbers and do my best to woo you to the Honey Pot.”

  “If the deed doesn’t come with it, you can crunch the numbers all you want, it’s not happening.”

  I make a face. “Fine. But fair warning, I might head down to Red Satin myself soon enough. I need to have a talk with Jimmy.”

  Carlotta’s head twitches my way. “About what, Lot?”

  “It’s probably nothing. I just found something curious in Everett’s briefcase, and let’s just say it reminded me of the fact I haven’t stopped by to say hello to my own father.” My fingers twitch in a weak attempt at air quotes when I say the word father.

  Charlie takes in a quick breath. “Did you mean Noah’s briefcase?”

  “No, I meant Everett’s.” I squint over at her. “Why would you ask if I meant Noah’s? That seems awfully specific.”

  She glances in the direction of the conservatory and her lips invert.

  “No reason.” Her lips screw into a knot and her eyes grow wide. I can practically see those rusty wheels in her brain churning and turning.

  “All right, what gives?” I ask. “I know that look on my face. You know something. Fess up. I’m bound to find out anyway.”

  Carlotta nods. “She’s right, Charlie. Lottie can solve a mystery like nobody’s business. She can also send a person to the grave and pin it on someone else with expert ease. Why do you think I’ve been playing nice with her? She’s been gunning after the Grim Reaper’s job for years, and my guess is even he’s a little afraid of her.”

  “I’m not afraid of her,” Charlie quips as she looks right at me. “In fact, I’m not afraid of anyone, not even a gun-toting Noah Fox. I’m not sure what you found in Everett’s briefcase, but I’m certain if you knew what Noah was hiding in his, you wouldn’t be standing here talking about it in the middle of the B&B.”

  My mouth falls open. “What’s in his briefcase, and how do you know about this? Let me guess, you snuck into his room again and shoved a pair of your favorite panties in it. In that case, I’m not even bringing it up to him.”

  Her eyes flit toward the conservatory once again. “Look, if I were you, I wouldn’t bring it up to him. I know his type. He’ll hide the evidence and gaslight me for even suggesting it.”

  “Then tell me what’s in it.”

  She shakes her head. “You won’t believe me even if I told you the truth. I know you enough to realize you need to see something with your own two eyes to know it’s real.”

  “Fine. I’ll ask Noah. He doesn’t keep anything from me.”

  She scoffs. “I can guarantee you he’s keeping this from you. Look, I know for a fact he’s still got the dang thing in his possession because up until his tires were slashed, he kept it in the back seat of his truck.”

  “He drove us here in his truck, and the only things in the back seat were the baby and Carlotta,” I tell her.

  Charlie shrugs. “It’s probably at his cabin if I had to guess. If you ask him about it, he’ll only lie to you, Lot. But if you sneak into his place when he’s off at work, then you’ll be able to see for yourself what I’m talking about. And let’s just say your jaw will be on the floor when you get a good look at what he’s got stashed in there.”

  Carlotta shakes her head. “Don’t pay her any mind, Lot. So what if Foxy has a cache of girly magazines floating around in his briefcase? You’ve been locking him out of your fun box for exactly a year now. The poor guy’s gotta release a little pressure every now and again, and unless you want Cormack stepping up to the pressure gauge, I’d let those paper cuties he’s growing fond of slide.”

  “Paper cuties?” Charlie stretches a lightning quick smile my way. “You wish it was that easy.”

  Another sharp whistle goes off from our left, and we see Lainey waving our way.

  “Come on, Lottie. I won’t start without you. You’re holding up the class!” she shouts befor
e ducking back inside.

  I pull Charlie close by the wrist. “And you’re holding up my sanity. What’s Noah got in his briefcase? Is it green and mean and has the power to make the world go round?”

  A laugh huffs from her. “No, it’s white as snow and has the power to make him one of the most sought-after men in Honey Hollow—by all the wrong people.” She takes off in the direction of the conservatory. “I’ll be in the peanut gallery noshing on all the key lime pie my belly can handle. I need to add a little sugar to my bloodstream if this hot baker is going to dazzle with her moves tonight.”

  I growl in her wake before turning to Carlotta. “Do you think she’s pulling my leg?”

  “There’s only one way to find out—engaging in a little breaking and entering.”

  “I don’t need to break and enter into Noah’s place. For one, he’ll tell me exactly what’s in that briefcase as soon as I ask. And two, I have the key to his place, and I know where he keeps a spare to his truck as well.”

  We make our way into the conservatory where at least thirty couples sit on blue squishy mats with a baby between them.

  The conservatory is a large glass structure that affords expansive views of the woods just outside of my mother’s B&B. The floors are pink, but once we find a way to give Cormack the old heave-ho that can be easily fixed. I hope.

  In the corner by the back exit there’s a refreshment table set out with coffee, tea, water, lemonade, and a wide assortment of my sweet treats. I had Suze and Lily make a quick delivery before they headed down to our new booth at Honey Lake. And it looks as if we have a plethora of bite-size key lime pies sitting on the table despite the fact Thirteen and Pretty Boy are plowing their way through a platter of those sweet and sour desserts as we speak.

  In the front of the room stands Lainey holding her own little cutie pie, Josie, who is almost a year old. She’s a little princess herself with her light hair and wide-set eyes. And chatting happily away with my sister is the exact woman I was hoping to question today, Lorelei Mulligan, as they get ready to lead the class.

  Lorelei is a beautiful woman with crimson curly locks and big doe eyes. Both Lainey and Lorelei are head to toe in pastel yoga wear. I’ve donned the same thing but in black.

  Since I lost all of my workout clothes when my rental home burned down last October, I ordered these posthaste just for this class. I ordered up from the size I used to be before Lyla Nell was a gleam in Noah Fox’s eye, and sure enough, I managed to squeeze into them. I’m glad to report I’m inching closer to my regular waistline even if it is while noshing on one bite of key lime pie at a time. I may want to squeeze into my old jeans but not at the cost of having to give up my sweet treats. I’m a baker. Eating sweet treats is just as much my business as making them.

  Noah waves to me near the front, and I head his way and plop right down across from him while Lyla Nell giggles and wiggles at the sight of me.

  “There’s my big girl,” I say, plucking at her toes and she giggles twice as loud while her dimples steal the show. “Thank you, Noah,” I say, reaching over and giving his knee a quick pat.

  “You’re welcome, Lot. What did I do?”

  “You did this,” I say, tickling Lyla Nell under her chin. “And for that, I will be forever grateful.”

  Noah’s dimples go off as if on cue. “There’s a lot more where she came from, Lot. Stop by my place anytime you want, and I’ll arrange for that to happen. I’ll happily sire all of your children, Lottie, and I don’t mind one bit doing it all under Judge Baxter’s nose. I do some of my best work behind his back.”

  “Very funny.” I shake my head at him. “But you might be onto something. Lyla Nell is pretty great.”

  “We’re pretty great, too.” He squints my way. “Just let me know when you’re ready for Everett’s session to time out, and I’ll happily populate the nursery.”

  “Time out?” I give him a playful swat. “Noah Fox! You are on a roll today.”

  A plume of sugary perfume ignites our senses as Keelie, Bear, and baby Bear plop down on the mat next to us.

  “Hello, Fox family,” Bear says as he takes off his shoes, and no sooner does he unleash the smelly beasts than the scent of vinegar bites our nostrils.

  Noah plucks the changing pad from the diaper bag and fans us with it until the fumes dissipate.

  “Hear that, Lot?” Noah winks my way. “We’re Honey Hollow official again.”

  I make a face before shedding a quick smile to my bestie and her brood. Bear has dirty blond hair and an equally dirty grin. And baby Bear is basically a brooding version of his papa. Both Josie and little Bear were born on the same day last August, and Noah delivered Bear into this world on his own birthday no less.

  A thought hits me as I realize where we’re sitting.

  “Hey, I just thought of something,” I say. “Lyla Nell is more or less in the exact same spot where she was born in.”

  “Aww,” Keelie coos. “And judging by those flirty moves you and Noah were sharing, I’d say you’re ready to create another baby Fox right in this same spot as well.”

  Noah twitches his head to the side. “Lottie was just contemplating putting in an order.”

  I make a face at Keelie. “You’re not helping the situation.”

  “You should take him up on it,” Bear says as he bounces his baby boy between the two of them. “There’s nothing like the bond between siblings. And that way there will always be someone to have Lyla Nell’s back.”

  “And that’s what she has Evie for,” I tell them. “How is my house coming along, Bear? It’s looking good from what I can tell.”

  Last fall, after both my home and Everett’s burned to the ground, we hired Bear to erect one huge home over both lots. It just so happens that we’re renting a house right next door to the construction site.

  “I want to know, too,” Noah says, frowning over at Bear. “Country Cottage Road used to be a quiet street before you showed up on the scene.”

  Keelie belts out a laugh. “I think you mean before Lottie showed up on the scene, but then I’m guessing you like the noise she’s prone to making—in the bedroom.” She and Bear share a high-five.

  “Stop.” I roll my eyes. “Besides, I’d like to know when the banging will come to an end myself, and I’m not talking about the bedroom.”

  “Pfft,” Keelie sputters. “That’s one room you wouldn’t let that happen.”

  Bear nods to his official plus one. “And when Everett needs a breather, he’s got Noah to take over in that department.”

  “We’re tuning out now,” I say as I cross my legs and my knees touch with Noah’s.

  Lainey and Lorelei clap and whistle, and soon all eyes are on them.

  “Good afternoon, everyone!” Lorelei shouts as she makes her way to the middle of the parental melee. “I’d like everyone to sit looking at their partner just like this adorable couple is. And I believe they’re new to our crew.” She points to Noah and me. “Can you please introduce yourselves?”

  “My name is Lottie.” I wave at the crowd. “And this little doll is Lyla Nell,” I say, picking up her hand with my finger and she grips onto it with herculean strength.

  “And I’m Noah Fox.” Noah gives a quick wave.

  “Perfect,” Lorelei says. “Noah, why don’t you and your wife lie side by side? I’m going to introduce a new activity today and you can be my example.”

  Lainey snickers behind Lorelei’s back once she says the word wife. I bet half the people in this room think that’s hilarious, but I choose to ignore it. I’m not going to run around town trying to correct everyone who thinks I’m married to Noah. At this point, it sort of feels that way anyhow.

  Noah and I lie side by side, and Lyla Nell lies on her back between us.

  “Get closer, you two,” Lorelei shouts. “Today we’re going to cocoon the baby in our love.”

  Noah and I scoot in as close as we can and the rest of the class follows suit.

  “Okay, n
ow I’d like for you to have a conversation, tell a few jokes.” Lorelei claps and motions for everyone to do just that. “It’s important that the baby feels the love exuding from the two of you, and that she hears your voices working together in harmony. Go on, gaze into one another’s eyes, and tell one another how much you love each other. This will relax the baby and carve out those ever-important neural pathways that respond to a loving, wholesome family.”

  “I love you, Lottie Lemon,” Noah hums as his dimples dig in deep.

  Lyla Nell squeals in response and kicks her feet rather violently, nearly knocking the breath right out of both Noah and me.

  “And I love you, Noah Fox.” No sooner do I say the words than Lyla Nell screams with delight as she wiggles and giggles between us.

  “The verdict is in, Lot,” Noah says as he gives the baby’s tummy a tap with his finger. “Our little Sugar Cookie thinks we make a mighty good pair.”

  “Don’t you think it’s ironic that you’re using a legal euphemism typically relegated to the courtroom?” I raise a brow his way.

  “It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve weaponized the courtroom against Everett.”

  “You’re hilarious.”

  Lorelei and Lainey instruct us to sit back up, knee-to-knee, just like we were, and to pass the baby to one another while bouncing her and giving her kisses.

  We do just that, and Lyla Nell chirps and caws like a parrot with nothing but sheer exuberance as she bounces from Noah to me.

  “Room for one more?” Carlotta and Charlie land on the empty mat to the right of us, and I give them both a dirty look.

  “What are you doing?” I hiss. “You’re going to ruin this moment for everyone. Stop messing around and go eat your weight in key lime pie or something.”

  “Been there, done that,” Charlie says, sitting across from Carlotta.

  “That’s right, Lot,” Carlotta says, struggling to get her legs to fold under one another. “And for your information, this class is called mommy and me. That means Cha Cha and I more than qualify. Besides, I’ve been meaning to get a good workout in.” She gives up on trying to cross her legs and pants wildly. “How many calories do you think I’ve burned so far?”