ALL THE THINGS PEOPLE SAY TO ME & ABOUT ME
has beat me down.
“I’m tired”
I sigh
“I’m tired”
I say
“Essa, you got an issue with me
& I have tried everything
You my sister
But you not my friend
It’s clear
You rather talk bad to me
Than teach me how to take care of myself
I’m so small around you
& you still hate me
I would blame you for everything
the way I let people walk over me
I would blame you for everything
but that would change nothing
It’s clear
You hate me
You so hateful
& I don’t know why
I’ve tried everything
I would fight the world for you
But I can’t keep fighting you
My arms too tired.”
Essa’s eyebrows are lifted
sky sky up & then she sighs too.
“I’m just playing, dang. It’s not that serious.”
That was last night.
& that was that.
This morning, though,
I simply snatch an apple from the fruit bowl
& almost smile & shake my head.
“I’m good”
I lie
& fly out the door.
DAMN!
my knees wobble from the hour-long game
my back
& hands
& elbows
ache like an exposed nerve
my tooth feels loose.
I care less about the tooth
& more about the losing.
I tried my best
but Tyrone’s big brother came to play ball too.
They boxed me out
two big-ass refrigerator-sized walls
it’s like they both from a family of cast-iron skillets
& skyscrapers
& rottweilers
but I don’t know how to back down from a fight
even when I know I will never win.
Afterwards, Dre helped me up & I called game
I know when it’s over
I know when the show is done.
I walked off the court, limping & head high
I wiped my face with the T-shirt corner & moved slowly
towards my long walk back home.
I’d skip the pool today
Lonely feels like that
Until
I hear Dre calling Tyrone weak-minded
I look back & see them square up
Tyrone’s brother is in the middle of them both
a brick wall of a freshman in community college
just trying to keep the peace.
INGA SAYS
Play smarter.
You can’t beat everyone
Sure
You may outrun someone
but they always catch up.
You can outthink
but they always catch on.
If they box you out
You make a new box
You make them play your game.
Think of your team
What are their strengths?
What are your strengths?
Now play smart not small
Think quick but think good
You have everything you need
Where’s the rock?
Focus.
Breathe.
Sprint.
Focus.
Leap.
Focus.
Dribble.
Where are you?
In your head?
No
You got to be two steps ahead of the strongest adversary
Be two steps ahead of anyone that tries to put you down because you’re a girl
Being a Black girl & a Black girl baller is a whole set of rules
you never see coming
Know the rules
So you know which ones you need to break
Are you a baller?
Then honor the baller.
Play your position.
Let your team be a team.
Let them be their best selves.
Your endurance is not your only ability
Your strength is not to run fast or ball the hardest
Your superpower is to see what your team needs
& show up for them.
Be agile
Cause you can!
You got to keep swinging, Lil’ Cousin
because you’re the real prize.
& those that respect you & love you
will keep it one hundred
won’t play you small or play you at all.
Remember, somebody see you, even
when the sky looks pitch black & you can’t
see the outline of your own hand
even when there are so many moving
parts & you can’t find the man on your team
You’re never really alone.
See, a real leader knows
there is no such thing as a one-person team!
If you think there is
you’ve already lost
Everything is a game
Some folks be playing to win the house, the job, the car, the spotlight
Everything is a game to be won but some of us are playing for things that last longer than material things
Once you figure out what you gaming for
Then you can play honest & with integrity
If you show up & show the world your real self
You don’t have to wait for others to claim you
You don’t have to wait for others to pick you
You pick yourself, I mean
Really choose yourself every day
& no one will be able to tell you
that you aren’t the real MVP.
SKY SAYS
It’s like all my life
I’ve let how others feel about me
Tell me how I feel about myself
ONLY today it feels different
The air feels more clean
The sun feels more heat skillet stove top
Today is different
I can hear Inga in my head telling me how to hold my hands & how to play defense
I can still see my mama’s smile when I tell her we won the game
I can still see Essa shake her head at me when I walk in
I can still see Lay Li look then not look in my direction
Before Today
I take too long to think about what it all means
I take so much time thinking about if somebody is mad at me
I take my time back
I am not forgettable
I get to be here
Right here & now
I get to take up space too
I get to plant my feet firmly on this skillet pan of a blacktop
Take a deep breath
Extend my arms
Like a statue
Like a ballerina
Like good money
Like an octave up the bleachers
S W I S H
Like a girl at the homecoming dance
Like a girl dancing with her own self in the mirror
Like that’s my song
Like that’s my smile
Like that’s my heart
Like I can look in the mirror &
Like my own me
Like me
Like me
Like me
Today is different
Because I say it is mine
The sky is mine
My name is mine
I am Sky &
I got now
Acknowledgments
I exist because of Cora Maxine Craig, Elsie Jean Tims, and Ellaine Toni Jackson. I survived because these women illuminated the path. To my cousin Tiffany Walter, you are not only a cousin but a sister; not only a sister but a blueprint to the kind of woman I would become. I love you.
My writing begins each day with gratitude for family and friends. For Beyoncé sing-offs and DJ diatribes. J, you are the only way. Amari, you are the only way. Thank you for championing me and my smallest achievements. I love you. I know love because of your love.
To all the folks who gave me space to write: Bearing Witness Fellowship at Art for Justice Fund; AIR Serenbe; Cave Canem; Poets House; O, Miami; Rauschenberg Residency; Urban Word NYC; and Young Chicago Authors.
I am forever honored to have witnessed the world that Jacqueline Woodson made possible for my Black Girl Bloom. I am super thankful for Nic Stone and her hand in my journey to Crown Books. Thank you, Phoebe Yeh, for seeing my light and making sure there was room for me in this lit world. Thank you, Crown family, for supporting my every marketing and cover art desire.
Thank you to my forever beacons: my agent, Charlotte Sheedy, and the watchful eye of Ally Sheedy. Who would I become in this lit world without your excellence? I love you both dearly. Thank you.
My friends—Oakland to Sacramento to Pasadena to Hollywood to Philly to Baltimore to Miami to Atlanta to Dominica to Flatbush to the BX to Bangladesh to Brooklyn. I love you. I am you.
I am ever grateful for my first line of literary defense, my editing guru, and my brother in pen, Jason Reynolds. This book could not exist without you. My place in the YA world would not exist without your insistence that my voice and story is needed. Thank you for the Brownstone sermons. I owe you.
About the Author
MAHOGANY L. BROWNE is a poet, an organizer, the author of several children’s books, and the founder of the Woke Baby Book Fair. Her first novel in verse, Chlorine Sky, is inspired by the beauty of the California landscape that raised her and the basketball courts that taught her to stand up for herself. If she isn’t returning to high school photos to forgive her younger self, she is roaming the streets of Brooklyn, New York, listening to Kendrick Lamar and Leikeli47. She feels most balanced watching The Amazing World of Gumball.
mobrowne.com
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Chlorine Sky Page 8