by Kat T. Masen
He cuts me off, pulling back, his temper flaring once again. “Why do you keep fucking doing this? I want you. Why is it so hard for you to admit your feelings? Why the fuck can’t you even talk to me?”
“Because we’re done. I told you that,” I tell him, bowing my head.
“You keep saying that, but you only want us to fuck? I’ve got feelings, too, and this is bullshit. You never had a problem being open with how you felt before.”
“That was different,” I mumble, not wanting to elaborate.
“Why?” He fixes his pants, then runs his hands through his hair, frustrated. “Why the hell are you such a cold-hearted bitch now?”
His words run deep to a place I had buried until the moment I saw him at the restaurant. Every moment we spent together many years ago has turned into painful memories. And this pain, it’s sharp, cutting like a razor blade against my delicate skin. Perhaps, I’m the cold-hearted bitch, but what he doesn’t know is he controlled the knife that tore me to pieces.
He turned me into a broken mess, a mess that I was forced to clean by myself.
I grieved for him, for what we had, but I no longer grieve. Now I’m angry. How dare he make me feel like I had any control over how it ended between us. And how dare he think I could so easily forget the permanent scars he left behind.
“You…” I scream back, my body shuddering. “You did this to me. You made me afraid to feel anything.”
I step away from him as he stands there, his mouth wide open. Adjusting my dress, I fiddle with the stupid lock, on the verge of tears, but no, Charlie does not cry over boy troubles, not anymore.
His face changes, he’s suddenly composed. “Tonight will be the last night you see Julian. I told you, I don’t share.”
“Don’t tell me who I can or can’t see. This is my life, Lex. You decided to leave it, so you deal with the consequences,” I shoot back.
“I won’t make that mistake again. You tell him tonight that it’s over. You’re mine. I don’t share, and I will not back down. The sooner you realize that, the better.”
It isn’t the yelling or screaming that frightens me, it’s the calmness in his voice.
The lock finally comes undone after a lot of fumbling. Rushing out of the private bathroom I quickly enter the ladies’ room, running into Nikki. “Whoa… you okay, Charlie?”
I motion for her to move as I run into a stall. Slamming the door shut, I close my eyes, willing the tears to stop. As my legs become sticky, I’m distracted by the need to clean myself up.
Taking a deep breath, I discard the toilet paper and flush, exiting to see Nikki waiting.
“You do have it bad… just for the wrong person.”
“Nikki…” I stumble on my words not knowing what to say.
Placing my hands on the vanity, I stare into the mirror. I look a mess, and my lips are red-raw, though my lipstick has faded. My hair is unruly and out of place. Removing my makeup from my purse, I touch my face up as much as possible and fix my hair, then re-apply my lipstick.
“Listen, Charlie, you can’t always be in control of everything, including your thoughts. Sometimes we just need someone to confide in.”
“I don’t want to talk about it… not now.”
I’ve grown accustomed to bottling up my feelings, and I’ll not spend my birthday opening the can of worms known as my past. We need to have some fun now, and if that means I have to ignore all the drama I’ve managed to create for myself by drinking copious amounts of sangria, then so be it.
As I walk back to the table, my short-lived confidence turns into panic as Lex is nowhere to be seen. A few minutes later, I catch sight of him walking back to our table with Adriana.
She’s chatting away, but he appears dazed. She can do that to you sometimes, but I know it isn’t because of what she’s saying. As they sit down, he looks at me momentarily before Rocky starts talking to him about baseball.
I’m glad he came back, despite my earlier need to push him as far away as possible. But now what? What do I do? He carries on, pretending I’m not here which is good because Julian is still here, and I have to decide tonight.
This is stupid.
Such a big decision can’t be made in one night while drunk on your birthday.
“An incredibly good associate of mine works for ESPN here in Manhattan. It’s the only reason I get great seats all the time. Tomorrow night I’ve got box seats to the Yankees’ game if you’re interested. I’d like to introduce you to him,” Lex says to Rocky as he finishes the last of his meal. He looks famished. Of course he’d be, after that fuck in the bathroom.
“Dude, are you fucking serious? Are you talking about Bradley Sanders?”
“Yes, that’s him. We own part shares in a country club in The Hamptons,” Lex tells him.
It’s all I hear of the conversation before Eric announces it is gift time. I leave the seat beside Emma and walk back to my own, adjusting myself as I sit in soaked panties which are extremely uncomfortable. Can everyone at the table see that I’ve just been fucked by Lex against the bathroom door?
Julian doesn’t act any different, thank God. He places his arm around me again, Lex watching this time with an amused look on his face.
Eric and Adriana speak in unison, holding a box wrapped in silver paper with a huge green bow. “This is from Elijah and us, of course. Happy Birthday!”
As I unwrap the gift paper, the box alone makes me want to cream my pants. The tan-colored box marked with the signature Christian Louboutin is placed before me. I open it slowly, savoring every moment but excited as hell. Before my eyes appear a pair of emerald-studded pumps. The studs shine like diamonds as I hold them up to the light. They are breathtaking.
“Oh my God, you guys… I can’t even… wow! This is unbelievable, but I haven’t seen these in the fall line?”
“It’s not what you know, it is who you know, Char.” Adriana winks at the same time Eric happy claps.
I walk over to give the three of them a hug. As I sit back like Cinderella, I place the shoes on my feet. They fit perfectly. The gifts keep coming, and each time I feel more and more grateful to be surrounded by such a great group of friends.
Julian announces that my gift is to be given later. “For you to open in private.”
I turn to kiss him on the cheek, but he moves so our lips meet.
“Aww, aren’t they so cute,” Nikki gushes, staring directly at Lex.
Smiling, I pull myself away, wiping Julian’s bottom lip with my thumb.
Note to self—kill Nikki with bare hands.
“Our turn!” Nikki and Rocky hand me a box.
If birthdays from the past have taught me anything, it’s to open gifts with caution. I undo the bow of the first box, slowly sliding the lid off to reveal a hardcopy of one of my favorite books.
“Open the book,” Rocky persuades.
I open the book, the inside signed by none other than the author herself.
“Are you kidding me? How on earth did you get this signed?”
“It’s who you know,” Rocky repeats.
Stunned to receive such a gift, I run my fingers over the front cover. Oh, book boyfriend, we meet again.
“Don’t forget the next box, Charlie.”
I open the lid of the next one, and low and behold, my instincts are correct. I lift what appears to be a crystal vibrator. “In keeping with the theme of the book and the fact that you broke your rabbit,” Nikki points out.
“I never said I broke it.”
“Oh my God, that’s just like mine. Right, Elijah?”
Lex cringes, shaking his head with disapproval. “You didn’t just say that.”
“Go on, there’s more,” Nikki coerces
It’s like a Mary Poppin’s bag of sex toys. I pull out handcuffs, a butt plug, and a flogger. After a table discussion on how each should be used, I thank Nikki and Rocky, avoiding at all costs looking at Lex, who seems to be amused with all the toys. My purse vibrates, and benea
th the table, I read the text.
Lex: I’ve already planned on when and where all those items will be used on you.
The phone slips from my hand, falling onto the floor. As I excuse myself to find it, I can’t help but look over at Lex’s legs. I nearly have a coronary as I watch his hand rub the front of his pants. Son of a bitch! I sit back up and try to compose myself as best as I can. He isn’t looking my way, but the smirk on his face says it all.
“Time to open your gift from Lex.” Adriana pushes Lex’s hand toward me.
Instead, he stands and walks over to me, handing me a small box. “Happy Birthday, Charlotte.”
Lex is known for giving extravagant gifts. I fumble with the bow that sits on top of the brown box. I’m nervous, and having the entire table watch me, anticipating my every move, makes it even worse. As the bow comes undone, I lift the lid. Inside sits a Tiffany’s box. Already, my heart is fluttering at the iconic blue box in my hand, terrified of the contents that lie underneath. I lift the lid of the box, and my heart stops when my eyes catch sight of the contents. It’s a necklace, but it isn’t the necklace that makes me want to cry, it’s the pendant attached—a white-gold phoenix bird encrusted with diamonds.
“Lex… I… thank you,” I choke.
If only he knew what it truly means to me. How this tiny little bird represents so much more than I can ever tell him at this moment. I stand, legs shaking, and hug him really tight.
“How did you know?”
“Your tattoo. I know it means a lot, I just wish you would tell me why,” he whispers.
I completely forgot about the tattoo and the night he asked me. He pulls away from me, taking the necklace out of the box and motions for me to turn around. Placing the pendant on my chest, he fastens the clip at the back. Like placing the missing piece from a puzzle in its spot, everything at the moment feels right.
The night goes on, and we relax, drinking away, telling stories. An announcement comes on advising us that the karaoke stage is now open. The restaurant cheers. I notice that the cheering comes from the busload of Japanese tourists who sit toward the front of the stage. Unusual, since it’s a Spanish restaurant.
“Oh-em-gee, Charlie! Duo time!” Eric races to the stage, grabbing the karaoke books. Five of them to be exact. My friends scour through the books, discussing songs they want to sing. I drink another glass of sangria. I fucking need it if I’m gonna sing karaoke with Eric. I hear Julian rustle his belongings beside me, only noticing now he has remained quiet since Lex gave me the necklace.
“Is something wrong?”
“Look, Charlie, I’m going to go.” He gets up from the table, unaware he will actually just get up and leave and not say goodbye to anyone. As he walks out, I throw my napkin on the table and follow him outside. We’re met by the cool breeze, and instantly, he turns around to face me with a pinched expression. “Is something going on between you and Lex?”
I’m caught off guard, my mind catching up, thinking of how to answer this question correctly.
“Julian, he’s just a friend.”
“I’m not a fool, Charlie. I know what type of guy Edwards is. Is that what you want?”
“Julian. Lex is the past. I don’t want anything with him.” The words hurt as they leave my mouth. Here I am trying to save this relationship, but why? I’d ruined what Julian and I have with my indiscretions. From this moment on, our relationship is nothing but a lie. The guilt, unless I come forward with the truth, will never ever be built on honesty and love. I’ve ruined it and all because of someone else sitting inside that restaurant.
There’s a visible flush in his cheeks, his arms are crossed tightly in front of his chest. The truth desperately wants to be told, but I hold back, terrified of losing Julian all of a sudden.
“I’m going crazy, okay? This is—”
“Nothing,” I reassure him. “Lex is nothing.”
“Well, it doesn’t feel like nothing to me,” he raises his voice, the jealously seething in his tone. “I love you, I asked you to marry me. Then he walks back into your life, and I’m what? Your plan B in case he fucks you over again?”
“Julian…” I reach for his arm, but he retracts.
“Listen, Charlie…” He hesitates, then reaches in his pocket and produces a small box. “Happy birthday. You decide who it is you really want. But for now, I need time… I can’t do this right now.”
I stand alone on the sidewalk as he walks away, turning the corner. My hand clutches the tiny box, not knowing what to do. I walk back into the restaurant and stand by the doorway. Opening the box, inside sits a key, the top part shaped like the Batman symbol. I read the note attached to the key.
The key to my bat cave… our new home.
I place the key back in the box as a tear slips down my cheek. What the hell am I doing, and most importantly, what the hell do I want?
Well, I know what I want but I’m afraid that if I say it out loud, there will be no way back. Chances are that the road is a dead-end leading me back to where I started.
I return to our table, a little unsteady as the sangria has finally managed to make its way through my veins. When I finally spot everyone, they are cheering on Rocky, who’s singing ‘Call Me Maybe.’
Nikki looks mortified, bowing her head and shaking it repeatedly. As the song finishes, the crowd roars, and the Japanese tourists pull out their pens and autograph books, begging him for an autograph. Rocky grins as he signs away and takes photographs with the tourists. Our table is in hysterics. Finally, Nikki cracks a laugh.
Eric is still trying to decide what to sing. He sits there belting out lines to each song, trying to get pitch-perfect like he’s auditioning for The Voice.
My attention moves to Adriana, who is persuading Lex to sing. Lex has a beautiful voice—smooth and soothing. He isn’t the type to get up and sing in front of a crowd, however, his sudden burst of courage intrigues me.
He walks over to the stage as they call his name, speaking briefly to the man in charge of the music. Stepping up to the stage, he settles behind the piano. The lights dim, and the crowd roars as he begins playing the notes. My heart is beating so loud in competition with the volume of the music played. As the crowd sits silently in adoration, the tune becomes increasingly familiar. Bruno Mars, ‘When I Was Your Man.’
I close my eyes, taking in every word of the song. This means more to me than anything.
Is it time to finally forgive?
He’s hurting.
My Alex is hurting.
He is right. He does have feelings too, and I can’t have become so cold that I cannot acknowledge that. We need to talk, but not tonight. Not on my birthday. Not on the same night my fiancé walked out on me and told me he was hurting too.
I’m the wrecking ball, destroying everything in my sight. People are hurting because of me, because of my careless actions.
I don’t know who I have become, but as I gaze at him on the stage, admiring his courage to bare his soul to me in front of everyone, the light inside my head turns on.
“I know the song we’ll sing,” I say, my voice barely a whisper.
“What is it, Charlie?” Eric asks.
I lean over and tell him. If I can’t talk to Lex, I’ll follow his lead, express my feelings through this one song, and hope he understands what I need from him.
What I need to fix us.
LEX
The little blue box sits on my nightstand, a constant reminder of her, tormenting me as I sit in my hotel room just staring at it.
It has taken me most of yesterday morning to pull strings at Tiffany’s to get the diamonds encrusted into the pendant. Thank my fucking lucky stars the manager knows who I am, so after a ton of money was sent their way, it was hand-delivered to my suite. I know this means a lot to her. When I asked her about the tattoo, she brushed it off in typical Charlotte fashion.
When the fuck will she open up to me?
We are huddled in a private area of the restaurant
. The room is decorated with emerald balloons—Adriana’s idea, of course. I stand next to Elijah as he’s telling me about a new job he’s starting in Brooklyn.
“So, I’ll be teaching art classes for the youth down at the YMCA. It’ll be a nice change.”
“Sounds good. How are you feeling, though? Are you sure you’re up for it?”
Elijah is the closest person I have to a brother, so my worry is with reason. His cancer scared our family, and there was no way we could lose him. Thankfully, a well-known cancer rehabilitation clinic in Geneva had an opening for him, and even more grateful that one of my clients know the owner, so all I had to do was wave my AMEX, and they suddenly had an opening. I didn’t give a shit about the money, we just needed him to live. He recovered well, but I know he still has to take it easy.
“Much better. You know I owe you my life, right?”
“How about you just take care of my sister and make sure she annoys me less, and we’ll call it even?”
“Deal! But, hey, you know Adriana. I can only promise to try.” Elijah laughs.
We chat amongst ourselves until Julian walks in. Nikki is all over him, grabbing his arm and acting like a love-struck teen. What the fuck? So, she plays nice with him and treats me like the scum of the earth. He walks around greeting everyone, leaving me until last.
“Edwards. Didn’t think I’d see you here.” He shakes my hand. Stupid prick.
“Well, she is my friend, and I was invited.”
Adriana hushes us as she announces Charlotte has arrived. We close the curtain and dim the lights. When we yell surprise, her face is priceless. She sees me then looks at Julian. I know she’s panicking. Good, I think. Maybe now she’ll get rid of him. She looks so fucking hot in her tight black dress with those sexy heels. I want her legs wrapped around me, and I want to taste her sweet pussy on my lips.
But instead, I get a very uninviting embrace.
I wish her a happy birthday, followed by a comment about her dress. I know the effect I have on her. It’s so fucking obvious. It doesn’t stop her from sitting next to that fucker, though. What the fuck can I do? It irritates me to the core that he has his fucking arm draped over her like she’s his property. Not for much longer, buddy. Enjoy your moment of glory because soon you’ll be back on the dating scene wishing you were me.