by Helen Bright
Sensing my need to talk Gina asked, “Shall me and you have a cosy, girly chat in the dining room, Keeley?”
“I would love that, Gina,” I said and smiled as she winked at me. She then turned to Nik to stop him following us.
“I’m not leaving you, Gina, you know what we talked about earlier,” Nik said concerned.
“Nik, Keeley is fine as you can well see. Now please let us have half an hour of girl time. I’ve missed her.” Gina said pouting and pleading with her eyes.
“Okay, but I will be right outside the door if you need me. Sorry Keeley, but you are a newly made vampire, and although I would like to trust that you will not suddenly go into blood lust, you did ingest quite a bit of Gina’s blood and could suddenly start to crave it again. I can’t let Gina be hurt; I’m sure you understand,” Nik said, half apologetic, half determined.
I didn’t blame him for trying to protect Gina. It was admirable really. But honestly, I just didn’t crave blood like they all thought I would. Sometimes I wish I did so I could recognise the start of it and learn to stop it before it becomes too bad. But so far I had nothing like it since I woke up the first morning, and even then it wasn’t that bad. I just nodded in acknowledgment of his concerns, led Gina into the long dining room and took a seat by the window.
“I’m sorry about Nik, Keeley. I know you wouldn’t purposely hurt me.”
“I understand his concerns, Gina. I wanted to talk to you about it if that’s okay.”
“About the risk to Daisy?” Gina questioned, and in her eyes, I could see that she knew that answer would be yes. I nodded my head anyway and hung my head low as I spoke.
“They said I could hurt her because a child’s blood is more tempting to a newly made vampire than an adults blood is. I don’t want to put her at risk from me, Gina. If something happened when she was in my care, I would never forgive myself. I love her so much, and I miss her terribly even after these last few days, but I would forgo any further contact with her if it meant she was safe. When I first found out that I was a threat to her, I wished you had all let me die. I brought her into this world, after all, so to think I could be the one to remove her from it cut me to pieces.”
Gina didn’t say anything, she just placed her arm around my shoulders and let me speak.
“I made a decision a couple of days ago, and I know that people aren’t going to like it, Gina, but I’m going to ask if Freya will keep Daisy for me. At least for a year or so; maybe more, I don’t know yet. I need to know that I am safe to be around her before I have any physical contact. I hope she won’t hate me for it, but in the end, I would rather have her safe and hate me than be scared or dead after I attacked her. I can’t go out during daylight with her either Gina. What kind of life is that for an almost five-year-old?”
“I know what you mean, Keeley. I have thought about it non-stop since this happened. If this is what you want, then I will fully support you, but you’re going to have to think of something to tell Daisy, so she doesn’t think you have just abandoned her. You are such a good mum, Keeley, and she will really miss you. Maybe you will be able to have her back in your life sooner than you think?”
Just then I heard a loud clatter and raised voices outside the door. Seconds later an angry looking Josh stormed into the room.
“So you want to give our daughter away Keeley? Just give her away like an unwanted pet that you have grown tired of taking care of. Well, what about me? I’m her father now, Keeley. You shouldn’t be able to make these decisions on your own without consulting me.”
“You were listening outside the door,” I said flatly. “Why am I not surprised at that, Josh? Oh yes, I know. It’s because everyone keeps telling me what a risk I am to others in case I go into blood lust. You both stood outside the door in case I hurt one of the best friends I have ever had. How the bloody hell do you expect me to let my daughter be put at risk when I can’t even be trusted around an adult? Your actions don’t exactly inspire confidence in my abilities as a vampire mum,” I yelled, no, screamed almost.
“Josh, listen to Keeley. You know what she’s saying makes sense. She is only doing this because she loves her daughter and wants to keep her safe,” said Nik as he tried to calm Josh down. His eyes had taken on the red rim around the iris, and his voice was almost a growl, but Nik’s words didn’t help.
“She’s my daughter to, Keeley, and I’m not giving her up. I made a promise to her, and you, and I will not be the one to break that promise. You can give her up, but I won’t. She can live with me in my cottage. We will be okay.”
He almost spat the words at me, but I wouldn’t back down. I knew that if she was nearby that it would be too much for me to keep away from her.
“It breaks my heart to do this, but she was everything I had for a long time, Josh. I love you so much; I think I always will. But I won’t be moved on this decision. I’m her legal guardian and what I say is final. We aren’t married, and you have no legal rights as you are not her biological father. I want Daisy kept away from me until I know I can fully control myself. My job is here, and as I don’t have any other finances to live off, I will need to stay near the village to keep my job.
“I appreciate you thinking of Daisy’s feelings. She loves you very much, and I wasn’t going to suggest that she didn’t call you daddy or see you at all, but I want her to have as normal a life as possible. You can only have two and a half hours in the sun before its effects become dangerous for you. How would you cope when she needs you to accompany her on a school trip, or on sports day? You would send for Freya, or for Gina or Julia. What about all the girly stuff she will need to do, or when you work your night shift? Who will you call then? She needs a woman around her too, Josh. Freya will make a good mum for her while I can’t be one.”
“Keeley, if you ever loved me you wouldn’t break my heart like this,” Josh groaned desperately.
“And if you loved me you would respect this decision and the reason why I made it. I won’t stop you being her father if that’s what you want, but give her a normal life Josh. Let her live in the light as much as she can while she is still a child. When I was human, I was going to be the one that could give her that, but now neither of us can.”
I was a little intimidated by him just then as he came towards me. His features showed anger, hurt and something else I couldn’t quite place. I began fiddling with my engagement ring nervously, wondering what he would do next.
“Are you trying to take that off so you can give it back to me?” he asked angrily pointing to the ring.
“I wasn’t trying to. Why? Do you want it back?” I asked, praying the answer would be no, but all Josh did was raise his eyebrow and glared at me. Well, I suppose that gave me my answer then. I took off the ring and placed it on the dining table at the side of him. I had already got tears in my eyes, but I was determined not to let him see them, so I headed straight for the door, Gina following me close by.
Gregor was at the door to the dining room and took my hand in his when I reached him. He led me to the stairs, and when I stumbled, he lifted me in his arms effortlessly and carried me all the way to the guest room at the side of his bedroom.
“I’m sure he doesn’t mean it Keeley, but I want you to know that you will always be welcome to stay in my home for as long as you need. I was going to give you one of the coach house properties to live in before, but since your attack, that would be inappropriate. I have other properties on the estate yet to be renovated. You can have your pick of any of them, but do not make a hasty decision that you will regret. Give yourself at least a few months to adjust. You are also welcome to come back to Moscow with me when I leave if you wish to.” He was so sincere about everything he said, so I just nodded and kissed the back of his knuckles. The light that was there earlier in his light blue eyes had been extinguished with all the arguing he had overheard.
“Gregor, I am so sorry you have had all of these problems brought to your home. I know I have told you this
before, but I do appreciate everything you have done for us, and now for me, but I think I will go back to my dad’s house. It isn’t fair for you to keep getting caught up in all this drama, I love you too much for that.”
“Nonsense, Keeley. I would be very lonely if you were not here, and besides, I do not want you to stay on your own while Maxim is unaccounted for. No. You will stay here with me. I will protect you.”
And with that Gregor got up and left Gina in the room with me. She stood at the side of the bed and said, “I’m so sorry Keeley. I can’t believe what just happened, but I’m sure Josh didn’t mean it.”
“Don’t worry about it Gina. I’m just not meant to be in a happy relationship. I thought it was all too good to be true anyhow, and we did rush into it. It just wasn’t meant to be that’s all. I will bounce back, I always do. And I have Gregor and my job so, at least, that’s something.”
“Don’t say that Keeley. You are meant to have a happy relationship, and as much as I love Josh he was so fucking wrong down there,” Gina said angrily.
“He loves Dais, though Gina, so I knew this would hurt him. I thought it may be a temporary thing and once we were sure I wasn’t going to harm her we could get Daisy back. I just didn’t want to commit to any timescale in case that couldn’t happen. I do believe he loved me, but now I’m wondering if that was because of Daisy. Like his need to be a father to Daisy made him fall in love with me.”
“That wasn’t the case at all, Keeley. Anyone with eyes in their head could see how he has looked at you for so many years. Trust me on this; Josh loves you. He could never physically hurt you; it’s not in his nature. But because he was hurting emotionally he lashed out at your feelings too, so you could hurt as bad as he did.
“If he didn’t have a man’s brain, he could have seen that you were hurting much more than he was. Men will never know the full extent of what being a mother means. If someone were out to harm Daisy he would expect you to fight to the death to save her, so why can’t he see that this is you fighting just as hard to save her life now?”
“I can see that, Gina,” said Josh walking into the room.
Gina looked at us both, then asked if I wanted her to stay.
“It’s okay Gina; you can go. I’m sorry you had to see all this,” I said and hugged her before she left.
On her way out of the door she turned to Josh and said, “You’re on my fucking shit list, and if I find out you have hurt my friend any more than you already have today then me and you are done. You’ve got two eyes Josh, so it’s about time you opened them to see what’s in front of you before it’s too late, and all you had that was good in your life is gone.” And with that, Gina left.
Josh sat on the bed at the side of me, leaned over to the bedside table and placed the ring on it. It caught the dull light from the window and still sparkled. It was such a beautiful thing and something I was so proud to wear before. I wanted to look at Josh and ask him why he had brought it back to me, but I just couldn’t do it. I suddenly felt exhausted and just wanted to be left alone.
Josh broke the silence first.
“I bought it for you; the ring is yours if you want it, Keeley.” His voice was quiet, but it didn’t give me any indication as to how he felt.
“It’s just a ring, Josh. It’s very pretty, but you gave it to me because you wanted me to become your wife. If that’s not what you want anymore, then you can take it back, because, without that, it holds no meaning or worth to me.”
He picked up the ring and clenched his fingers around it. I felt like someone was squeezing my chest and wouldn’t let me breathe. Why did he want to keep hurting me like this? I must have done something really bad in a previous life that warranted so much pain to be sent my way in this one. I contemplated throwing open the window and leaping down towards the solid drying room roof, and then sunbathing until I burned from the inside out. It shouldn’t take too long because I was a newly made vampire so I would be unable to tolerate more than a few seconds sunlight, and although I knew it would hurt it, couldn’t be any worse than I was feeling now. Then, at least, it would be over for me. Daisy would be safe, and Josh could be her father just like he wanted. Suddenly I wanted to know.
“Josh, if I ask you a question, will you answer me truthfully?”
“You know I will, Keeley.”
“Did you ever love me for myself, or because I had Daisy and you wanted to be her father?”
“I can’t believe you are even asking me that,” he said angrily. “I tell you how much I love you every day, and I mean every word. I love you for you, Keeley, for everything you are as a person. Your strength, your personality, your beauty inside and out. All that time I was dreaming up ways to be near you, to kiss you and make love to you. Keeley, I never once thought of being Daisy’s dad, trust me on that one. You were enough to occupy all of my thoughts.”
I smiled at that. At least, I knew I once had genuine love from him, even if it was only for a short while.
“I’m glad you loved me, Josh. I’m sorry that it wasn’t meant to be, and I do hope you will find happiness with someone. You deserve it.”
I meant it too. As much as I was hurting I didn’t want him to be suffering; I loved him too much for that.
“Hang on a minute, Keeley, what’s with all this loved? The correct term for my feelings is love, not loved. Loved is past tense. Don’t you ever listen to what I say? I just told you that I love you for you, and it’s not just a friendship love either. It’s a deep kind of love that captured both my heart and soul and is keeping them bound with yours forever. That’s why all this hurts so fucking bad, and I just can’t walk away from you, Keeley. I love you so much, and I know I upset you bad, downstairs. And do you know how I know? Because every time you hurt I hurt. It’s like one of them voodoo dolls. You get upset, I get upset, your heart hurts, and my heart hurts. I understand the ‘what’s yours is mine’ concept of marriage, but I didn’t think it would include this much pain.”
What could I say to that? I still didn’t know what he wanted from me. I was happy to know that he still loved me, but the rest was just a great big ball of confusion rolling around in my head.
“What do you want from me, Josh?” I almost whispered it, and I think that was because I was scared to know the answer.
“Everything, Keeley, but I know that’s not possible right now. I want to be a family with you and Daisy, but I know that’s not going to be possible either. I don’t want to hurt Daisy’s feelings. God, that’s the last thing on this earth I would ever want to do, but I understand we can’t all live together as we planned before this happened. I want to be with you though Keeley, because if I don’t get to hold you in my arms at least once a day I don’t think my life will be worth living. Will you forgive me for hurting your feelings again? I seem to keep fucking up around you and even when I know it’s happening I can’t seem to stop myself. I think it’s because I can’t control what’s happening that I’m getting like this.
“I like to have things planned and know that I can make things good for you, but Maxim took that away when he took your human life, and I have no control over anything anymore. I was going to give you and Daisy a great life, full of love and happiness and everything you could ever need. I was going to share all those proud moments of Daisy’s new achievements, with you and the other kids we would have. I had it all in my head what our life would be like and I vowed to put a smile on your face every day. I haven’t been doing such a good job of that so far have I?”
“I think we’ve both contributed to that, Josh. You can’t take all the blame.”
“Well then, we are a pair together aren’t we?” He took my left hand in his and slipped the engagement ring on my finger. I looked up at him, questioning with my eyes.
“The meaning behind this ring will never change for me, Keeley. I shouldn’t have goaded you downstairs, but when I saw you messing with it, I thought you wanted to take it off, and it felt like you were putting a stake t
hrough my heart.”
“That wasn’t the case at all, Josh.”
“I know that Keeley and I’m so sorry. Will you wear the ring as my fiancé? Will you let me be the one who puts a smile on your face every day?”
“What about my wishes for Daisy’s wellbeing? Will you respect those? Because if you won’t, then being with you is pointless, and we would be better making a clean break of it now.”
“I will respect you on this, Keeley. I know your reasons behind it. I don’t have to like it, but I respect your reasons why. I want her safe too, but I do think you will be okay. There’s nothing about your transition to a vampire that has been typical, but I know you want to be sure. Will you, at least, let Freya bring Daisy to see us so we can explain that she has to stay with Freya for longer? I think she will accept it more if it comes from us both. We can say it’s because you are still unwell, and tell her she can come to see us regularly. I can make sure that there are enough of us here to keep her safe.”
I visibly shivered at that statement, and he put his arm around me and pulled me close.
“You will be fine Keeley, I promise. You were great with Gina today. Did you ever think of feeding from her at all?”
“God no. It never even crossed my mind.” I said with a grimace. I wouldn’t like to feed from anyone other than Josh, apart from Gregor maybe, but I wouldn’t tell Josh that. I think that’s a thought he wouldn’t appreciate at all.
“Gina was close to you on so many occasions today, though, Keeley. You have also been really upset which could have made you need blood more, but yet here you are absolutely fine and able to cope without going into blood lust.”
He sounded so proud of me, and it gave me a bit of a boost. Although I still felt tired, I didn’t now want to curl up in bed and sleep anymore.