Mistletoe in Paradise

by Jill Shalvis

  She felt the air leave her lungs in a whoosh, and she stood, moving around the table to him. Stepping into the vee of his legs, she dropped to her knees to wrap her arms around his middle and hug him to her. “I’m so sorry, James. I never meant to make you feel that way. You weren’t alone. You . . .” She shook her head and tilted it up to him. “You rocked my world. Left me on a shaky axis. I still feel it even now. Do you?”

  His eyes remained serious, but the corners of his mouth twitched slightly. “To tell you the truth, with you in that position . . . same.”

  She snorted and he pulled her up and into his lap, cuddling her into him. “I’ve always been the one to pursue you sexually,” he said into her hair. “Then last night I was enough of a hypocrite to be annoyed when I thought you saw me as nothing else. I didn’t like how that felt between us.”

  “It wasn’t that. It was never that.” She cupped his face. “I like your brain and your smile as much as I like your favorite body part.”

  That got a laugh out of him. “Same. I like your brain and your smile as much as I like all your body parts.” He kissed her softly. “I get that you’re here because you’re worried about losing your dad. I know the feeling.”

  She knew he did. He’d lost a piece of himself when he’d lost Jason. She couldn’t imagine the pain of that. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him,” she admitted.

  “But see, he’s right here in front of you. We all are.” He cupped her face. “Can you say the same? Are you a hundred percent here with us?”

  She looked into his eyes and saw only acceptance, affection, and concern for her. “I think we both know I need to work on that,” she said softly. “Actually, I need to work on several things. But the good news is, once I set my mind to something, I don’t give up until I’ve got it right.”

  He smiled. “Sounds promising.”

  She flashed a mischievous grin. “Some things take practice, though. Lots of it.”

  “Good thing I’m really good at practicing . . .”

  Chapter 11

  James didn’t often let himself think of the future. After all, he knew better than most that not everyone got one. But being with Hannah again, he couldn’t help but think of the one he’d once upon a time hoped to have with her.

  It was afternoon beneath a warm sun, nothing but the Caribbean Sea for miles, and his favorite girl in a different bikini, this one a heart-stopping red. They were currently sitting on the swim deck off the back of the boat, dripping wet and breathing hard from a race, winner to collect the spoils of their choice. Hannah had beaten him, mostly because he couldn’t take his eyes off her as she swam, moving through the water while laughing so hard that she’d nearly drowned herself.

  She was still laughing when she pushed her drenched hair from her face and met his gaze, her smile slowly fading.

  “What?” he asked.

  “I’m really sorry about this morning.”

  “I don’t need an apology,” he said. He knew her well. When she wanted something badly enough, she made it happen for herself. If he was ever lucky enough to have it be him she wanted again, she’d let him know. “It’s okay, Hannah.”

  “No, it’s not. I put work ahead of you and I shouldn’t have. It didn’t mean I didn’t want to be with you, not then and not at breakfast.”

  “Work has been your life for a long time. It’s understandable that you’d put it first.”

  “Well . . .” She smiled. “I’m not working right now.”

  That adorably sexy smile was something his body remembered quite well, and damn, he loved Playful Sexy Hannah. “You’re not,” he said with a laugh. “And you have yet to claim your prize—even though you cheated.”

  “I’d never cheat.” But she laughed.

  “Uh-huh,” he said, unable to keep from laughing with her. She was . . . infectious. “So when you had a quick bikini-top malfunction out there and flashed me, that was entirely by accident?”

  She lifted her chin, but her eyes revealed both heat and humor. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  He moved closer, crowding her for the simple pleasure of having her close as he smiled into her face. “Maybe we should discuss this later in private, in greater detail.”

  “I agree,” she said. “Lying down, in case I get . . . tired.”

  “I like the way you think.” He touched the tip of her nose. “You need more sunblock.” He sat up and reached for the bottle.

  “You just want to get your hands on me again.”

  “One hundred percent. Lie down on your front.”

  She hurried to do just that, wriggling into place and making him groan because she had the cutest, sexiest wedgie going. All too aware of the fact that her dad might very well have eyes on them, he did his best to make this a PG event, keeping his hands on her sun-warmed skin and not slipping beneath the itty-bitty bikini.

  “I’ve got to tell my dad in the morning before we hit San Juan,” she murmured, eyes closed. “And then your parents will be here and you’ll have a chance to talk to your dad as well. Big day.”

  “Yeah.”

  She slipped her hand in his and sighed. “Back to real life.”

  He drew a deep breath but didn’t say anything, and she looked over at him.

  “I remember the last time we were lying right here,” he said.

  She sat up and nodded. “It’d been a hard year for both of us.”

  “Yeah,” he said. “My brother had died and the girl I loved dumped me and then ghosted me. As hard as a year ever gets.”

  She stared at him. “You . . . loved me?”

  “Does it matter now?”

  She drew a deep breath. “Yes. And I didn’t dump you. It . . . didn’t work out.”

  He snorted.

  “It didn’t!” She pointed at him. “You wanted me to walk away from a college internship and travel the world, no questions asked, no plans, just fly by the seat of your pants. And I got that you were coming from a place of overwhelming grief, I really did, but I wanted . . . no, I needed to go home and take that internship so I could set myself up for the future. I understood what you had to do, but you didn’t even try to understand what I needed to do. You wanted to be happy. But everyone experiences happiness in different ways, James. Hard work and stability are more important to me than happiness. So is having a safety net.”

  “It wasn’t just what I wanted, Hannah.” He paused and drew a deep breath because the last thing he wanted was for this week to end like the last one they were together. “I promised Jason that I’d spend New Year’s in Barbados, a place he’d always wanted to go, but could never get away from work to do it.”

  She stared at him. “What?”

  “Yeah, because at the end, he realized some things. That he’d worked too hard and too long and had never lived his life.”

  She looked stunned. “You never said . . .”

  “It’d been his choice, of course. But in the end, he knew he’d made mistakes. He had regrets, because he’d never done any of the things he would’ve put on a bucket list, including falling in love and having kids. He was always working and looking ahead, never in the moment.” He swallowed hard. “He made me promise I wouldn’t do that, that I’d live doing something that made me happy.”

  “I . . . didn’t know that.”

  “I know,” he said. “I told myself you never gave me the chance to tell you about it, but honestly?” He shrugged. “I guess I really just wanted you to choose me because you wanted to be with me, not because I guilted you into it with a promise I’d made to Jason.”

  A tear slid down her cheek. “I wasn’t capable of making that decision,” she whispered. “Or even of traveling with you, because I knew the truth—that if I talked to you about it, I’d have walked away from the internship, no looking back. And I couldn’t live a Peter Pan life, James. I had to grow up.”

  And there it was. He nodded. “Because one of us had to, right?”

  She grim
aced. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “You did, but that’s okay.” He rose to his feet. “We each did what we had to do. No regrets, right?”

  Some emotion crossed her face, but she cleared her expression and gave him a tight nod.

  From a lower deck, Sally called out for James.

  “Coming,” he called back, eyes on Hannah. Waiting for her to say . . . shit, he had no idea. But she said nothing, and he nodded, then walked away.

  Chapter 12

  Watching James walk away, Hannah felt her heart break in two all over again. He’d loved her . . .

  “Smalls.”

  She kept her back to her dad. “It’s not a good time,” she managed to say.

  “I just got a message from your mom.”

  She closed her eyes, concentrating on the warm breeze caressing her face and the squawk of happy birds.

  “WTF didn’t you tell me?” Harry asked.

  She let out a mirthless laugh and dropped her head back to look up at the perfectly gorgeous blue sky. Where was a moody storm when she needed one? “Still not using that right, Dad.”

  “Your mom’s divorcing me?”

  Oh shit. She turned to face him and wanted to cry all over again at the look of utter devastation on his face.

  “So it’s true?”

  “I meant to tell you,” she whispered.

  “So why didn’t you?”

  “I . . .” There was no excuse. None. “I was trying to find the right time.”

  He gaped at her, hurt and disbelief in every line of his body. “The right time would’ve been the minute you boarded this boat. But you were too busy with that contraption that’s always glued to your ear.”

  Yeah, and that contraption was going off as she stood there. The hearing was coming up in a few hours, but she kept her hand out of her pocket and her eyes on her dad. “You know that the only reason I got the time off from work to be here with you for Christmas was by promising my boss I’d work remotely to have her back on this case.”

  “I didn’t want you on this boat for Christmas.” He pointed at her. “I wanted you for Christmas. I wanted to spend time like we used to, doing the things we both love. I’ve missed you, and I rarely get to see you.” He shook his head. “I don’t know why I’m surprised. Your mom was always too busy for me, too, and I guess the apple never falls far from the tree, right?”

  She’d been worried about falling once again for the sexy wanderlusting James, worried about her dad’s impending divorce pain, worried about keeping up with work . . . worried about everything but her own actions. As a result, her dad was right. She had been acting a lot like her mom, putting everything before the important stuff, such as caring for the people in her life.

  Not that this epiphany did anything for the hurt now coursing through her at her dad’s harsh words. “I learned from both of my parents,” she told him. “Yes, Mom was so busy with her life that we rarely got time with her, but you were busy, too, Dad, with the boat. I’m not sure exactly what you’re remembering, but I’m recalling your telling me to go be good and keep myself busy while you worked. From a young age, I had to keep myself occupied and out of your way. So really, there were two trees I didn’t fall far from.” With her phone still going off, she stood. “I’m sorry for all of it. I should have told you, but I wasn’t in all that much of a hurry to hurt you.” She pulled out her phone and looked at her screen. “Now I’ve got to get this.” Turning away, she answered Cynthia’s call.

  “Hannah, thank god. The hearing’s on hold because there’s a problem. We’re missing two signed affidavits from the surgeon. There won’t be a ruling or a surgery unless we get those.”

  Hannah frowned. “Right, but I talked about this with your assistant yesterday morning, who assured me she’d go get them.”

  “I didn’t think we’d need them. I heard otherwise last night, and my assistant texted you, letting you know I needed you to handle this. You’re the only one who can get through to the surgeon that fast. So . . . where are we with that?”

  Seemed like her entire world was going to crash in on itself today. “I didn’t get a text from her or I’d have reminded you both that someone needed to go in person. Ideally it’d be someone familiar enough with the surgeon and staff to expedite the process.”

  “Yes, and that would be you.”

  “Which would require my getting on a plane.”

  “Perfect,” Cynthia said. “I’ll tell everyone you’re on it.”

  Hannah let out a low, mirthless laugh. “You want me to fly back? I’m on a boat.”

  “Your itinerary says you’ll be in Puerto Rico in a few hours. I’m going to have to get the hearing pushed until tomorrow. Plenty of time for you to get a red-eye back here.”

  “But . . . Hello?” She stared at her phone. Perfect. Cynthia had hung up. Hannah looked up at her dad. “I suppose you caught the gist of that.”

  He turned on his heel and walked away.

  Awesome. Two for two today.

  Five minutes later Cynthia’s assistant called her to facilitate flights and ground transportation. When she ended the call, she turned and found her dad once again standing there, hands in his pockets, face unusually solemn.

  “I shouldn’t have walked away like that,” he said, surprising her. “I’m sorry. Do you have time to talk before you go?”

  She nodded, and he led her across the deck to the sun chairs. They both sat and he looked at her. “I want you to know I heard what you said to me, and I’m sorry for a lot of things. Can I tell you about them?”

  “Always.”

  He nodded, looking grateful. “Sometimes it seems like the harder I try to get things right, the more I screw everything up.”

  “Dad,” she said wearily, “you didn’t screw anything up.”

  “Hold on, Smalls. Let me finish. A few days ago I told you that nothing’s free, but that wasn’t true. My love for you is free.”

  Her throat tightened and her eyes stung. “Same,” she whispered.

  His eyes looked shiny now as well, and he cleared his throat. “What I should’ve said to you is that I’m sorry your mom and I put you in a position where you had to be the one to deliver the news. And even more sorry that I always chose my boat over you.”

  “You didn’t always.”

  He smiled sadly and tugged on a loose strand of her hair. “You’re the sweetest thing in my life, do you know that?” He sighed. “The truth is that life’s about hard choices, about choosing what’s right over what’s fun, and we both know that’s never been my strong suit.” He put his elbows to his knees and leaned in, his eyes more serious than she’d ever seen them. “I got mad at you for putting your work ahead of me, when I’d done the exact same thing to you for years. Not putting you ahead of my boat is one of the two biggest regrets of my life. The other one is not picking you and your mom when she gave her ultimatum—her or the boat. I won’t ever do that to you again. I promise you.”

  Sniffing back tears, she reached for his hand. “I told myself I was coming here for you, to be there for you when I had to tell you the news. But the truth is, I also came here for me. Once you sign those papers, I’m not your stepdaughter anymore, and I wasn’t ready for that to be true.”

  With a rough sound of grief, he tugged her out of her chair and in for a hard hug. “A piece of paper isn’t what makes us family,” he whispered against her hair.

  Unable to speak, she just nodded, wrapping her arms tight around him.

  “You’re stuck with me, Hannah. More than just for Christmas.”

  “More than just for Christmas,” she whispered, fiercely grateful for that, for him.

  Pulling back, he quickly swiped a forearm over his wet eyes, then met her gaze. “There’re so many things I’ve neglected in bringing you up. I never even taught you how to ride a bike.”

  “No, but thanks to you, I know how to make every different kind of knot under the sun, how to jury-rig anything with MacGyver-level s
kill, and how to handle a seventy-foot-long ship. How many people can say that?”

  “But how practical is that? When you learned to drive a car, I should’ve made sure you knew how to change a tire.”

  “I’ve got Triple A for that. But there’s no Triple A for mooring in a busy harbor without hitting anything. I can pull into a slip in a windstorm without so much as a scratch,” she said proudly. “I can do that and more.”

  “True.” He rubbed the scruff on his jaw, a tell that revealed when he was about to say something uncomfortable for him. “I also never threatened any of your boyfriends about behaving themselves. Or . . .”

  She stared at him. “Are you blushing?”

  “Jesus.” He swiped a hand across his face. “Yes, apparently. I’m trying to say that we never had . . . the talk. You know, about being safe. And protected.”

  Hannah gaped at him. “No need to have the birds-and-bees talk at this point. Dad, that ship sailed a long time ago.”

  He smiled sheepishly and nearly sagged with relief. “Thank god, because to be honest, I think I’ve forgotten more than I remember.”

  She laughed. “You almost just scarred the both of us for life.”

  With a chuckle, he shook his head. “Yeah, thanks for stopping me.” His smile faded and his gaze searched hers. “So . . . we’re okay?”

  She hugged him again. “We’re okay.”

  “Good.” He nodded. “So now you can go do whatever it is that you need to.”

  “With work or with James?”

  “Well, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I hope you work things out with James, but I’m not going to interfere.”

  She drew a deep breath. “I don’t think we can work things out.”

  He scowled. “What are you talking about? It’s obvious to anyone with eyes in their head that you two love each other. You’ve always loved each other.”

  She smiled sadly. “Yes, but we both know that love isn’t always enough.”

  He let out a ragged breath. “Yeah.”

  “I’m sorry Mom hurt you,” she said quietly.