by Dani Atkins
I shook my head sorrowfully, wondering when and how the tables had bizarrely turned. ‘I couldn’t do it, and I still can’t.’ I smiled sadly at the man who I’d just put through his own private version of hell. ‘We couldn’t leave you behind.’
‘Who said you had to?’ he asked, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out his own passport.
‘I… what? Would you…?’ My tongue was tied in knots, making sentence construction practically impossible. I looked around for a suitcase, a backpack or an anything, but he stood before me in only the clothes he’d worn to work that morning, without a single possession.
He read my searching gaze. ‘I don’t need anything. I can leave it all behind, if I have to. I need nothing… except us.’
The tears were running so fast down my cheeks they were trickling into my mouth as I spoke. ‘But there is no “us”, Pete. Not anymore.’
In response, Pete reached out and rested his hands on my shoulders, gently turning me around towards Noah, who’d grown bored with his parents’ peculiar behaviour and was once again looking at the planes. ‘Yes, there is. As long as there’s a Noah, there will always be an us.’ He said it like a prayer.
Neither of us spoke for a long time. Pete was the one who eventually broke the silence. ‘So, you decide. What’s it to be?’ His eyes were locked on mine, impossible to look away from. ‘Do we stay, or do we go?’
I stared into his clear hazel eyes, and wanted to reach up and kiss him in a way that would probably shock him, embarrass me, and cause Noah to make pretend retching sounds. But that wasn’t why Pete had raced to the airport. This was no final love scene in a romcom movie, right before the credits roll. This was gritty and painful, this was where we were right now, but at least we were there together.
‘We go…’ I began, watching Pete’s expression carefully as I completed my sentence, ‘…home. We go back home.’
He nodded, just once, and the world that had been spinning wildly steadied a little on its axis. We’d get through this, somehow, and we’d do it together. For so many years I’d thought I was the only one who could keep Noah safe. But I realised now I’d been wrong. Walking beside me was a strong and powerful man, who would do anything, give up everything, in the battle to keep our son where he belonged. Perhaps we hadn’t been able to hold on to our marriage; perhaps it really was gone forever. But Noah was here now, with us, and that was exactly where he was going to stay.
18
Beth
‘I have some bad news, sweetheart. Your dad is still running a temperature. I don’t think he’s going to be well enough to go with you tomorrow.’
I sank down on the edge of my bed, pushing aside the dress I’d bought specifically for the occasion. The navy silk sheath was formal without looking too business-like. ‘You’ll want to look smart, but not stuffy,’ my father had confirmed, when I’d asked him for advice. It was the last in an exceedingly long list of questions I’d had for him, ever since I’d learnt that Family X had finally agreed to meet with us. When Edward Patterson had asked if I’d wanted someone to accompany me, there was only one person in the world I could think of.
‘At least it will even up the numbers on both sides of the table,’ my father had said. I’d swallowed nervously at his words, because they sounded like we were getting ready for a battle, which I was already afraid was exactly what it was going to be.
‘You’re going to be there as my dad, not my lawyer,’ I’d reminded him.
‘I’ve been doing this for quite a few years now, Bethie,’ he’d assured me. ‘I’m not going to interfere. I’ll be there to support you.’
Only now it seemed he wouldn’t be.
*
The hotel foyer was grander than I remembered. My heels clicked noisily as I crossed the marble floor, heading for a discreet velvet banquette that would give me a clear view of the main entrance. I was far too early, but after having watched every single hour come and go through the night, I’d eventually given up all hope of sleep and was showered and dressed long before the birds had finished their dawn chorus.
I looked around me as the hotel’s patrons spilled from the lifts or queued at the reception desk. Porters pushing shiny brass luggage trolleys wove like downhill skiers among the meandering guests, and my eyes followed every new arrival. Was Family X here already? Had they, like me, been unable to resist the urge to gain some small advantage by being the first to arrive for today’s meeting, as though extra credit might be given for extreme punctuality?
I sat in the shadows, half hidden by an oversized display of stargazer lilies, and studied the guests around me. Were the couple arguing quietly in the corner the people Noah called Mummy and Daddy? Or was the harassed woman beside the pillar, who kept glancing anxiously at her watch, the person who kissed my child goodnight? I really hoped they weren’t the stony-faced couple sitting at a nearby table, sharing a morning coffee but no conversation, because they looked totally devoid of warmth or humour. Our embryo deserved a better family than that.
Despite the morning sunshine, the twinkling glass chandeliers in the foyer were all fully lit. Prisms of light bathed the room in tiny rainbows, something I would probably have found enchanting on any other occasion; but not so much today. I knew this hotel through my work; I’d supplied the flowers for several weddings here, and yet I still felt as displaced and vulnerable as a refugee as I waited for my legal team to arrive. Both sets of lawyers had agreed it was better for this meeting to be held on neutral territory. Today, this stylish Victorian hotel would be our own version of Switzerland.
I looked up as the revolving doors began to turn, disgorging an excitable Italian family from one segment, an elderly gentleman with an ivory-capped walking cane from the next, and the man who’d agreed to join me today from the final compartment.
Liam scanned the foyer and I got to my feet with a grateful sigh. It wasn’t that I hadn’t believed he would keep his word; it was more that the intervening hours since I’d asked him had given me too much time to question if I’d made the right decision.
The bravado I’d pinned in place on the phone to my mum had quickly disintegrated when I thought of facing Noah’s parents with an empty chair beside me. I’d heeded William Sylvester’s warnings and hadn’t breathed a word of my situation to anyone outside of my immediate family. It was too late now to regret the decision to keep my friends at bay. But now, with my father too ill to attend, I was left with no one to ask to take his place. Except that wasn’t entirely true. There was one person I could ask – someone who’d already acknowledged that serendipity seemed determined to keep drawing us together.
Liam looked different today. His choice of clothes made their own unique statement. He was not here as a lawyer. He looked relaxed and somehow younger in the black shirt with its collar unbuttoned and no tie in sight. It went well with his black denim jeans. I felt a little overdressed in the blue sleeveless sheath, even though it was perfectly simple.
‘You look very nice.’ It was an excellent confidence booster, and at least managed to release a few of my facial muscles to form a smile. Once again, he bent to kiss my cheek, the warm citrus of his aftershave momentarily obliterating the aroma of the lilies.
‘Thank you so much for agreeing to come today. I know it was a lot to ask.’
‘Not at all,’ said Liam kindly, nodding towards the banquette. ‘Shall we sit down for a minute? We’re still quite early.’
I could feel his gaze on me, quietly assessing, as he took in my restless hands and the incessant jiggling of my crossed legs. ‘I’d suggest a coffee, but I’ve a feeling you might already have overindulged in caffeine this morning.’ My lips twisted wryly. ‘Did you manage to get any sleep at all last night?’ Liam asked thoughtfully. He was either very perceptive, or the concealer I’d used to mask the dark circles beneath my eyes simply wasn’t cutting it.
‘Not much,’ I confessed. ‘So much is riding on what happens today. It was impossible to switch off.’
‘Everything’s going to be all right, Beth.’
‘Is that a professional assessment, or a personal one?’
His eyes were kind as they looked into mine. ‘A bit of both.’ He paused for a moment as though testing to see if this was the right moment to lighten the mood. ‘Bill was certainly intrigued when I told him I was planning on accompanying you today.’
‘It’s not a problem, is it? Does it compromise the case having you here?’ Worrying that every small thing was a potential pitfall was quite frankly exhausting, but it was a habit I couldn’t seem to get out of.
‘No. Not at all,’ Liam was quick to assure me. His grin returned as he added: ‘Although I imagine it will be a hot topic of conversation in the office once word gets out I was here.’
I heaved a sigh of relief. People could think what they liked about Liam and me; we both knew there wasn’t a shred of anything inappropriate happening here. We were both still spoken for.
Liam’s phone vibrated in his pocket and he drew it out, his face impassive as he read the incoming message. ‘That was William. He says they’re ready for us in the meeting room now.’
I gave a nervous start. I was still waiting for them to walk through the doors, but apparently everyone was already here. It was time, and I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t even close.
‘The other people… Couple X… are they up there already?’
‘No. They’re waiting in one of the smaller lounges. William will call them up when you’re settled and ready.’ I must have looked like a scared rabbit, trapped between lanes on a motorway.
‘They might be in for a long wait.’ I’d meant it as a joke, but it sounded instead like a prophecy.
The booked meeting room was on the fourth floor, and without Liam’s hand at my back guiding me towards the lifts, I truly don’t know if I’d have persuaded my legs to take me there instead of to the exit. This is the worst moment, I thought, as I stepped shakily into the shiny mirror-walled carriage. This is when, more than anything, I missed my father’s calming presence. He’d have known just what to say to ease my tension.
In every direction I looked, I could see multiple reflections of a tall, handsome man, dressed all in black, and a terrified-looking woman, whose eyes appeared to be three times too large for her face. Liam and I stood shoulder to shoulder, heads tilted upwards to watch the ascending numbers light up on the overhead panel. I’ve always been slightly claustrophobic in lifts, and more than a little relieved when the doors eventually slide open. So it was strange to find myself actually willing this one to break down. Of course, it did no such thing. As it pinged to announce our arrival on the fourth floor, my hand reached out of its own volition and clasped Liam’s. His fingers immediately circled around it.
‘You don’t mind, do you?’ I asked. My hand was holding his with such a death grip that unless he happened to have a concealed crowbar about his person, he wasn’t going to get rid of me. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d held a man’s hand in mine. It had been a while.
‘Of course not,’ Liam replied, squeezing my fingers gently before guiding me down the corridor to where the others were waiting.
William’s face registered a flicker of surprise and I knew he’d seen our linked hands, even though we’d separated the moment we’d crossed the threshold to enter the meeting room. Edward Patterson greeted us warmly, but for once his Yuletide-like cheer had lost its power to make me smile. The only other occupant of the room was William’s PA, Keeley, who was poised at one end of the boardroom table behind a laptop. She flashed me a fleeting look that was full of sympathy. I noticed that her face appeared pale under the bright overhead spotlights, turning her normal peach-coloured cheeks to a sallow yellow. I imagined I looked even worse.
Keeley got to her feet and poured out glasses of water from a crystal jug, before sliding a typed document in front of each of us.
‘This just outlines the points we’ve previously discussed,’ assured Edward, as I frantically began thumbing through its pages, as though cramming for an exam I’d forgotten to revise for. I nodded, and drained half my glass of water in a single gulp. I caught a look I probably wasn’t supposed to see between William and Liam.
‘Okay then,’ said William, his voice betraying just a hint of eagerness. I could tell he was psyched for this, like a racing driver revving up on the starting grid. There was a coiled-spring readiness about him as he reached for his mobile and punched out a number. ‘Let’s ask the others to join us, shall we?’
19
Izzy
‘I should have worn the black one. The red looks too frivolous, as if I’m going to a party or something.’ I plucked nervously at the sleeves of my cardigan, which I was now regretting having chosen to wear for the meeting with our son’s biological parents.
‘I doubt anyone today will be judging us on our clothing,’ remarked Pete dryly, unconsciously running his finger around the collar of his shirt, as though it was attempting to strangle him.
‘Says the man in the suit, which he normally only wears to weddings and funerals.’
Pete turned in the driver’s seat and flashed me a sheepish grin. ‘Touché,’ he replied. His eyes dropped to my plain black pencil skirt and sleeveless silk shirt. I didn’t look like me, and I didn’t need to read the corroborating expression on his face to know that. He smiled slowly, not at me, but at the cherry-red cardigan. ‘I’ve always liked that one. The colour really suits you.’
I bit my lip and turned to look out the side window to hide the effect his words had on me. So much of my past was tied up with this man. He shared a history – not just with me, but even with the clothes hanging up in my wardrobe. How would anyone else ever know me this well? Would I even want them to? It was too big a question to think about right now, when there were so many others claiming my attention.
I switched my gaze to the majestic-looking Victorian hotel that filled our field of vision through the car’s windscreen. We’d been parked outside it for forty-five minutes, as though it was a joint we were casing for an impending heist. I don’t think I could have felt any more nervous if we had been planning to burgle the place. Sooner or later one of us was going to have to summon up the courage to suggest we actually got out of the car and went inside.
‘Do you think they’re in there already?’ I asked nervously.
‘I don’t know. Possibly.’ He knew I didn’t mean the lawyers who’d set up this appointment. As intimidating as I’m sure they would be, they weren’t the ones responsible for the dark circles beneath my eyes, or the string of untouched meals over the last few days.
Pete sighed deeply. ‘Well, I for one am looking forward to finally meeting them face-to-face. I’m fed up imagining how I’ll measure up against some super-dad, action-hero father. I’d rather know exactly who we’re dealing with.’
‘Would you?’ My voice was as fearful as the expression in my eyes. ‘I’d prefer it if I never had to meet this woman, her husband, or their fancy-pants lawyers.’
I pulled down the sun visor and once again checked my reflection in the small mirror fixed to its underside. It didn’t seem to matter how many times I pinched my cheeks, they still looked scarily white. I looked like the ghost of a woman who used to be Noah’s mum.
‘Fancy-pants, Iz? Really?’ Without even looking at him, I knew Pete’s lips would be wearing a teasing smile. ‘Do people still say that?’
‘This “people” does,’ I said, snapping the visor shut on my ashen reflection. I knew what he was doing – trying to lighten my despair and inject some normality back into our lives when everything around us was tumbling like skittles. He’d always been good at that, but this time I didn’t think the familiar technique would work.
My phone, which I’d left on his dashboard, began to twitch and vibrate against the black vinyl surface. I opened the incoming message, while my heart tried to find a way to break free from my ribcage. ‘It’s from Frankie,’ I announced unnecessarily to Pete, who wa
s unashamedly reading over my shoulder. ‘She’s waiting for us now in the foyer.’
Pete was out of the car and holding open the passenger door before I’d even unclipped my seatbelt. He was every bit as anxious as I was to have this meeting over and done with; we just had different ways of showing it.
The hotel was far grander than any I’d visited before. In truth, I was more of a Premier Inn person, and the marble pillars, crystal chandeliers and liveried doormen made me feel like a misplaced extra from a Downton Abbey episode. I was grateful for Pete’s large, warm hand tightly holding onto mine as we entered the opulent reception.
Frankie was easy to spot across the width of the foyer. An establishment like this probably didn’t see too many patrons who favoured pink-tipped hair, a leather skirt and biker boots. She looked up from her phone, finished whatever message she was composing, and beckoned us over. The marble floor gleamed like an ice rink beneath our feet, and my kitten heels clicked noisily like tiny hooves as we crossed it. By the time we reached Frankie’s side, I was practically walking on tiptoe.
‘Hi, guys,’ she greeted us, with a warm smile and a quick hug. ‘We’re still a little early, so I thought we could wait down here.’ Her hand was at my back, exerting firm but gentle pressure against my spine. She was walking with purpose, and suspiciously fast.
‘It’s this way,’ she explained, casting a quick glance over her shoulder as she guided us along a carpeted hallway leading away from the foyer. A small frown crumpled her brow when I slowed down.
‘They’re back there, aren’t they, the other parents? They were in the foyer.’
Pete was also frowning, clearly wondering what he’d missed. In reply, Frankie gave a single sharp nod and then steered us through a pair of double doors into a reception room. ‘They’ve booked a meeting room. That’s where they’ve decided you should be introduced. They’ll call us up as soon as they’re ready.’