by KB Winters
I couldn’t say anything.
“They were showing footage of the explosion from a drone that was overhead, surveying their mission. Jace was speaking earlier but now it’s his--” She silenced herself mid-sentence as the show came back from a commercial break.
An older man was on the screen, dressed in his uniform. A tag appeared, showing his name as Senior Chief Petty Officer Kenneth Gerard. “Petty Officer First Class Winslow has always been one of my strongest men, and the bravery he displayed that day, doesn’t surprise me in the least. He deserves every honor our country has to give in recognition of his heroism.”
The screen faded back to a scene of a desert, and a large, sprawling industrial building. Seconds later, there was an explosion. The footage was from too far away to see any of the people below, but knowing that it was Jace—that he’d been in the way of that destruction, twisted my stomach into knots so tight it was hard to breathe.
“Hilda, I have to go!” I burst out, wiping away tears that I hadn’t even noticed I’d shed, and ran back towards the front door of the house. She didn’t say anything as I left, but gave me a sad smile.
My fingers flexed and gripped the steering wheel as I drove across town, remembering the way Jace had been hunched over, struggling back and forth with each box he’d carried. He’d hate me for going over and trying to help. But, I’d hate myself more if I didn’t at least try.
I shifted the car into reverse and sped off back to the diner before I could change my mind. I parked in my normal spot beside the diner, and walked across the street on foot. The light was still on in Jace’s shop, illuminating the piled boxes, but I didn’t see any sign of Jace. My heart raced a little faster with each step, a new batch of worries filling my mind faster than I could rationalize them away. What if he’s been hurt? Was he on the floor? Pinned under something? Was he gone?
I pushed inside the shop and began a frantic search for him. The front was empty, so I went down the small hall, and checked the small, single stall bathroom, and then the storage room. Nothing. I stopped at the foot of the narrow staircase, and sucked in a deep breath. It was like walking into a dark cave, that most likely had a bear sleeping somewhere inside. I took the first steps slowly, my courage building with each new step. I paused on the landing, staring at the heavy metal door slid over the opening. I raised my hand and rapped against the metal.
No answer came. I pressed my ear to the door and waited, holding my breath, waiting for a sign that he was inside. A loud crash startled me, and I jumped back, away from the door. I rallied, clenching my jaw, and knocked again. “Jace! Open up! It’s Kat and I need to talk to you,” I yelled through the door.
“Go away, Kat!” An angry voice roared back. It was so loud and furious that for a split second I wondered if someone was in there with Jace.
I pounded harder on the door, ignoring the protest of my knuckles. “I’m not going anywhere, Jace! Open this door right now!”
Another crash, followed by a bang, was my answer.
What the hell was going on in there? It sounded like a demo crew was ripping apart the entire apartment. I pushed on the door, surprised to find it unlocked. I shoved hard and pushed it open, sliding the metal door aside. I took two steps into Jace’s apartment and my heart wrenched in my chest. Jace’s apartment looked like a demo crew had gone through it.
That—or a hurricane.
His couch was turned over on its back, the cushions ripped off and thrown all over the room. A lamp, with a busted light bulb lay on its side next to it. The TV was fried, something had taken out a chunk of the center and a spider web of cracks splayed out from the impact. A baseball bat was discarded by the door, and as I stepped over it, assumed it was the weapon of choice against the flat screen. Dishes were breaking, and I hurried into the kitchen to find Jace throwing plain white plates one after the other against the wall, the shards falling down into a cardboard box labeled kitchen shit with a black marker.
“Jace,” I whispered, resisting the urge to cover my mouth at the absolute wreckage around me. Chairs were busted, glass and broken dishes covered the floor.
At the sound of my voice, Jace froze, his back still to me. He held a plate in his hands, but let it drop to his feet. The plate hit the ground and broke into two pieces, and still he didn’t move a muscle.
“Jace, what’s going on?” I stepped across the kitchen, avoiding the piles as best as I could. I stopped short of him, not sure what he would do if I reached for him. A twinge of fear shot through me as I approached. I’d never thought him capable of hurting me, but seeing the destruction that had obviously been the work of his hands, had me trembling and keeping space between us. “Jace?”
His jaw clenched. “Get out, Kat. You shouldn’t be here.”
“Jace, look at me, please,” I begged. “Talk to me. Let me in.”
“Why?”
His clipped question threw me off track and I reeled, searching the corners of my mind for an answer. There were a dozen things I wanted to say to him, but I didn’t know what he would respond to.
If it was even possible for my words to reach him the way I needed them to.
He looked too far gone.
“Because I’m here to help, so let me.”
Jace turned slowly, his posture tight, like a coiled snake. His eyes met mine and they were ringed with red, making his blue eyes stand out even more as he stared me down. “You can’t help me.”
Something about his words, and the way he stood, riled something within me, and even before I could speak, I knew all the dark stuff I’d buried in my heart over the past months was bubbling up and over. “I can help you,” I replied defiantly. “But you have to want it, Jace. You have to let me help you.”
His face was set, masking any reaction. “Fine, then, I don’t want it. Is that better? Are you happy now?”
“Happy?” A strangled laugh ripped from my throat. “Are you kidding me? I’m so far from happy that I don’t even remember what happy looks like right now.” I took a few steps back, my shoes crunching the glass underneath them. I braced my hands on the counter and stared at the cupboard, feeling the heat of Jace’s eyes on me. “I haven’t been happy since you came back to town. You know that?”
“Then I guess it’s a good thing I’m leaving town,” Jace fired back.
I whipped around to face him again, throwing my hands in the air. “What the hell is the matter with you?”
He grit his teeth in response.
“Seriously? I wanna know. What happened that turned you into a raging asshole?” His eyes went a little wider and a twisted smile flashed across my face, some dark part of me happy to have hurt him, to have gotten past the twenty foot wall around him. “That’s right, Jace. I’m done babying you and trying to be sweet, and nice, and helpful. You wanna know what I really think?” I was daring him, a dangerous edge to my voice.
Jace shrugged. “Can’t be any worse than what I already think of myself.”
“Argh!” I screamed, the frustration inside me bursting out of every pore. I picked up a plate, one of the few left in the cupboard, and hurled it at the wall, hitting the dent Jace had already made. The plate shattered violently and the pieces dropped to the pile in the box underneath. A surge of relief flooded me and a smile tugged at the edges of my lips, daring me to smile. “You’re a prick, Jace! First of all, you don’t even tell me when you come back into town!” I threw another plate. “Then, you ignore me!” Another shatter. “Oh, except for the what? Three times we’ve talked? If you can even call that talking. Really, it’s just been you snapping at me and treating me like a piece of shit when all I’ve tried to do is help you and be supportive!” I threw another plate, but my strength gave out halfway, and it hardly broke as it hit the wall and fell to join the other shards.
I sucked in a breath, ignoring my trembling fingers. “I waited for you, Jace. For nine fucking months. I waited, most of the time not knowing if you were even alive. I called your base, I tried to fin
d someone, anyone, who could tell me where you were, what happened, but—” I choked back a sob. “I thought you were gone Jace…and then, you show up here, without a word, like you didn’t give a damn. Like it wasn’t eating you alive every minute away from me, like it—like I—was nothing.”
Jace’s eyes were unblinking, frozen as he watched me with his clouded expression that I couldn’t read.
“Say something! Damn it, Jace! Say something to me. Tell me why!” I launched myself at him, fists raised, my voice a sharp scream, nearly unrecognizable. By the time my fists collided with his chest, all the power and rage had gone out, like a snuffed candle, and I melted against him. “Please, Jace, tell me why.”
His body tensed against me. He didn’t move to hold me, instead, he unfolded himself and stepped away, leaving me there in the kitchen, tears streaming down my face, alone, amongst the pile of other things he’d broken.
I fought the urge to give up, to sit down and cry until my entire body felt like a wrung out sponge. Instead, I followed Jace, wiping away my own tears with each step, putting my game face back on. He was in his bedroom when I found him, sitting on the edge of his bed, staring out the window into the black night. When I stopped in his doorway, his eyes flicked to mine. “Why are you still here, Kat?” His voice wasn’t angry, more confused. Defeated.
“Because I love you.” My answer was blunt, surprising even myself. It was the truth. No matter what happened, it would always be true. Jace had changed me, from the inside out, and I knew I wouldn’t ever fully be able to get him out of my head. Or my heart.
Jace’s expression shifted in slow motion, the harsh stare melted away, an edge of sadness fading in at the edge of his eyes, and his jaw went slack, the pulse of his temper vanished. The hard lines of his mouth disappeared, and the corners turned down. “Kat, don’t.”
“I love you, Jace. I’ve wanted to tell you for…I don’t know how long. And there is nothing you can say that will change that. You can push me aside, and be cold, and even mean, but I know who you really are. And it doesn’t matter to me that you can’t be a SEAL or a famous tattoo artist. That was never what it was about. In fact, I think I fell in love you despite those things, not because of them. You were a SEAL because you’re brave, strong, self-sacrificing, because you believe in this thing that’s bigger than yourself, because you’re honorable. You were a tattoo artist because you are creative, artistic, smart, and have a heart for people and helping them make art out of memories. None of that’s changed simply because you got hurt, Jace. You’re the same guy. All of those beautiful, amazing qualities are still there, and that’s why I love you, and you can’t tell me not to.”
Jace’s blue eyes held mine for a moment, before he looked away, dropping his gaze to his hands; his good hand covering the injured one. I watched him as he uncovered his damaged hand, and held it up to me. “I’m not the same guy you used to know, Kat. You deserve someone else, someone who can give you and Jax the best of life. I’m fucked up, Kat. You pick me and it’s gonna be endless doctors’ appointments, filling prescriptions, more surgeries, and helping me with everything. It’s not right for me to put that on you. I won’t do that to you…to Jax.”
I stepped into the room and sat next to Jace on the bed. I took his bad hand between mine, holding a little tighter when he tried to pull it back. I ran my fingers over the deep scars, even daring to touch the places where his fingers once had been, now reduced to masses of skin and bone, painfully out of place among his other fingers. I locked my eyes with his and brought it to my lips, kissing each scar, each finger, and when I finished kissing every inch, laid it to rest on my cheek. The only sound was of our breathing, mingled together, and as I watched Jace, searching his eyes, a single tear slipped down his cheek. “I love you, Jace. All of you.”
He pulled his hand away and buried his face in his hands as more tears fell. I wrapped my arms around him and let my own tears fall on his shoulder as he sobbed against me, his body wracking as he released the pain he’d pent up inside himself for I didn’t know how long.
Chapter Seven — Jace
During my deployment, before everything went to hell, I’d had endless hours to think and in that time, I’d created multiple fantasy versions of what my reunion with Kat would be like. When that bomb went off, all those dreams and plans had blown to pieces right along with it. I’d ached for Kat, spent hours wishing she would somehow appear at my hospital bedside. I dreamed of her simple smile, soothing voice, dark, shiny hair. Over the past months, those thoughts and yearnings had been stuffed down so deep, out of self preservation, that holding her in my arms, an overwhelming surge of buried emotions shot to the surface. I couldn’t get enough of her. I ran my hands—both of them—over her arms, through her silky hair, along her jaw, over her lips.
Kat was everything I wanted and as I held her in my arms, I resolved to do everything in my power to keep her—even if it cost me every last drop of pride. She had taken a bulldozer to my walls and I was too damn tired to build them back up again. Holding her felt too good, too right, and I didn’t think I could push her away again.
I backed up just far enough so that I could see her eyes again, suddenly starving for the sight. She smiled at me through the remnants of her tears, and I wiped them away with my good hand, a swipe of my thumb along each sculpted cheekbone. “Thank you.”
Kat arched a brow. “For what?” Her voice was barely above a whisper.
I smiled sadly, thinking of the wasted time we’d spent apart. “For coming over here, throwing dishes, and calling me out on my bullshit.” She laughed, and the sound warmed me from the inside out, igniting a joy I’d forgotten about somewhere along the way. I smiled at her, but when her laughter faded, I dropped the humor from my voice, choked up with emotion again, and told her, “I don’t know what I did to get you, but I swear, I’m gonna spend every day for the rest of my life looking for ways to make you as happy as you make me.”
She stared at me, her pupils wide and dark. “Come on, let’s go back to my place.” Kat stood and reached for my hand.
Her suggestion filled me with longing, my body waking up and aching in a way it hadn’t for months. In the middle of all the pain and recovery, getting laid had been the last thing on my mind, but with Kat standing before me, the feel of her skin under my fingertips, it came back and left me feeling like the nervous, first timer I’d been over a decade ago. I wanted her so badly, but it was like I wasn’t sure what to do, and, although I hated to admit it, I wondered if I would even be able to perform. “What about Jax?” I asked, taking her hand in my good one.
“He’s with his dad,” she replied softly. “He gets every other weekend.”
I nodded, remembering that she’d told me that once before, the day she’d called so excited after the court hearing. We left my bedroom and picked our way through the wreckage that I’d made of my living room. As I looked around, my body tensed. I’d been a fucking animal, so blind with rage and pain and grief that I hadn’t even been conscious as I’d torn everything to shreds. Seeing everything in tatters filled me with shame and I stopped in the middle of the room. I dropped Kat’s hand and looked away from her. She stopped walking as I did, and turned back to face me. “Jace? Are you okay?”
I waved a hand over the mess, my gesture limp and helpless.
“You wanna talk about it?” She asked.
I shook my head, still taking it all in. “I just…lost it. It was like those other times…the ones I told you about. Kat, I can’t be like this and be around you, and especially not Jax!”
The thought alone sent icy shivers down my spine. I shook my head more violently, and took a step back, a move of retreat. “Kat, if he ever saw me like that…”
Kat closed the gap between us and grabbed both of my hands, instantly rooting me in place with a surprisingly firm grip. “Stop! Jace, I don’t care if I have to tell you every day, if that’s what it takes for you to see that you’re not a monster or a rabid animal. This�
��” she waved her hand around the room in a sweeping motion, “—is not you. I trust you and I know you won’t hurt me or my son. Please don’t let fear take you away from me again. Jace, please.”
My eyes snapped to hers, brought back to reality by the frantic edge in her tone. Her eyes were even wider, this time with fear. “I couldn’t live with myself. If anything happened to either of you.”
“It won’t, Jace. Please, believe me.”
I nodded, leaning into her confidence in me since I had none left inside myself. Other than stupid bar fights, I’d never taken my anger out on another person, but the nights I saw red and went crazy were always a blur, out of control, and wild. There wasn’t a guarantee I wouldn’t one day cross a line.
And if that happened, I’d lose her and Jax for good.
“Jace!” Kat snapped me back to attention.
I took a deep breath. “Let me make a couple calls. I need to get someone over here to clean all this up. The movers are coming first thing in the morning and they can’t do anything with this place like this…”
“Movers. Right.” Kat shifted her gaze to her shoes. “I forgot about that.”
I reached for her face, tilting her chin to bring her eyes back to mine. “If this is what you really want—if I am what you really want—we’ll find a way to make it work. Okay?”
Her eyes darted back and forth, scanning mine, as if the answer to all our problems could be found. Eventually, she nodded. “Okay.”
Half an hour later, I had a crew of disaster clean up professionals on the way over. Technically they were used to clean up after a fire or flood, but assured me they could take care of everything, and although it cost a hefty fee to have them come out after hours, they would be able to get things back in order for the moving trucks in the morning. Although, after the turn of events the night had brought, I had no idea where I would have the moving crew drop off my belongings.