Scot on the Rocks

by Catriona McPherson

  ‘Elise! Jeez!’ Todd said.

  … Elise meant by ‘Addams Family’ bouquets. Then we got right down to it. Brandeee’s disappearance, the night before Valentine’s. The abduction of Mama Cuento and the leaving of the note with the toe. The appearance of a note on Bran’s doorstep, with the ripped-off acrylic. The abduction of the pregnant Hope and the chainsawed sculpture of Liberty, along with the belly button and note sent to Blaike, and the nose and note sent to the Akela of the Oregon and whatever-it-was Washington Brownies or whoever they were.

  ‘Assimilation is ongoing,’ said Todd to Lenny.

  I ignored him and carried on telling Lenny and Blaike about the break-in at the university that helped an act of vandalism in a snobby supermarket—

  ‘She means upscale grocery store,’ said Todd.

  I broke off to ask him if he wanted to take over and he mimed zipping his lips. So I ploughed on, telling all about the guy who slipped in through the pickup-truck window and how we followed him to the back of beyond and crawled on our bellies, getting sharp little rocks stuck in our undergarments, but eventually saw that all the cars had PPP on their number plates, and we thought that there were at least three outsize statues on the compound, swathed in tarps, which made them hard to identify, but was in and of itself suspicious, wouldn’t they say?

  Blaike was still looking at the PPPerfection website when I finally stopped talking. ‘Oh, Mom!’ he said, but in a weary way, not in anguish. ‘Yeah, I can believe that. That would sucker her right in. “Perfection”? What an easy sell.’

  ‘But she didn’t hand over the vouchers,’ I said.

  ‘I didn’t mean the vouchers!’ said Blaike. ‘I meant the disappearing.’

  ‘But Bran knows and the cops know,’ said Roger. ‘So, it’s only a matter of time.’

  ‘What’s it got to do with the cops?’ said Blaike. ‘Right … Lenny?’

  Lenny’s shoulders slumped a bit at that, but he didn’t say anything.

  ‘Right?’ Blaike asked again. ‘If my mom wants to run away with a bunch of crazy men’s-rights loons, once she’s got me safely booted up to Idaho – ha! She thinks! – what can the cops do?’

  ‘Wait,’ I said. ‘You think there’s a chance she wasn’t kidnapped by them? Are you saying you think she might have gone willingly?’

  ‘Absolutely!’ said Blaike. ‘Right … Lenny? She surrendered to Burt, you know. A surrendered wife?’

  ‘No way!’ I said. ‘Your mum? Seriously?’ I only knew about these seriously creepy sub-Stepfords from browsing the so-called self-help section in the bookshop to accessorize my consulting room. I hadn’t read much but the first few chapters didn’t feature anyone like Brandeee.

  ‘And she did something crazy in a warm tub of water with Bran, the first time they were married. Rebirthing as twins, or something? Or maybe not twins.’

  ‘I hope not,’ said Roger.

  ‘Soulmates! That was it,’ Blaike said.

  ‘And this is the same woman, with the perfect hair and nails and career and skin and figure, who works out every morning and frightens me?’ I said. ‘I can’t believe it.’

  ‘Frightens you?’ said Blaike. ‘My mom frightens you? She’s terrified of you. This European, who puts up with Bran for six months – a guy my mom’s been obsessed with for eight years – and then moves on. To a boat!’

  I liked the sound of myself in this version, but there was no real reason to dwell on it.

  ‘Lenny?’ I said. ‘What do you think?’

  ‘Well,’ he said, slowly, as if he was thinking hard, ‘they sound like a cult. And handing over all your money is what you do with a cult. That’s how they get you – not by kidnapping.’ He thought again. ‘Not that it was her money. It was yours, son, from me.’

  ‘But how could she raid a trust fund?’ I asked. ‘What about the trustees and the lawyers?’

  ‘Our divorce was informal,’ Lenny said. ‘Lawyers would have had community property split down the middle, and access in exchange for child support all hammered out. We made our own deal. I thought she’d stick to it. Maybe she would have, if she hadn’t fallen under the spell of these … You really think they’re Nazis?’

  ‘Um …’ I said. ‘I think they’re big honking weirdos anyway. Lenny, setting the money aside, do you agree with Blaike? That this is the sort of thing Brandeee might do?’

  ‘She …’ Lenny said. ‘Well, to be honest, she …’ He ran dry. ‘Son? You wanna step outside while I say this; she’s still your mom.’

  ‘I’m good,’ said Blaike.

  ‘Well, that time she was born with Bran isn’t her only rebirth,’ said Lenny. ‘Let’s leave it there.’ We all waited. ‘Or not. She was also reborn into the faith of limitless lemon light, at an ashram in Los Baños, about a year before we met. Not a real ashram – offensive as hell for them to call it that. It was more like a … I don’t know what the hell it was, but they were the ones who showed her the true path. Her true path. Dentistry.’

  We all tried really hard. Her son was there and he was just a kid; he shouldn’t have to experience his mum being disrespected. I would have made it, if I hadn’t been looking at Roger when Todd tried to speak.

  ‘L–lemon?’ he said, with a little crack in his voice.

  Roger’s held breath hissed down both sides of his teeth, like a Welsh curse. I lost it next, trying to laugh quietly and ending up snorting.

  ‘Poor Brandee,’ Lenny said, when we’d all got a hold of ourselves again. ‘She’s never had solid taste in religion. Or men. And I’m including me in that tally.’

  ‘So, you think she really could have run away to join the Patriarchy?’ I said. ‘With Blaike’s money? Why not take her own?’

  ‘So Bran would let her go, probably,’ said Roger. ‘Community property, like Len said.’

  ‘And what do we do next?’ said Todd. ‘How do we find out? Even if the cops raid the place, they’re not going arrest everyone there, are they? They’ll just bring in the crew that stole the statues. One to strap it, one to cut the bolts, the guy who hooked her up and the driver. Anyway, from what Mike said, they were only going to tell the Oregon cops as a courtesy. No doubt they know all about Patriarchyville – can you believe that name? – and won’t want to go roaring in there, if they can help it. Not for a couple of statues. Unless the patriarchs get cocky and head to the Louvre next.’

  ‘Why not?’ I said. ‘Why wouldn’t the Oregon cops or the FBI just go in there and clean them out? If they’ve broken the law …’

  ‘WACO,’ said Roger. I didn’t know what that stood for.

  ‘Ruby Bridges,’ said Lenny. I had no clue where they were.

  ‘Wounded knee,’ said Todd. And now I was sure they were talking in code.

  ‘Huh?’ said Blaike, saving me the trouble.

  ‘All we’re saying is, we can see the argument for leaving them alone up there, to do whatever it is they’re doing.’

  ‘Like brainwashing Mom?’ Blaike said. ‘Like conning her out of my college fund and my first car? That’s so not fair.’

  I wondered how Lenny would play this first fathering challenge of the last fifteen years.

  ‘You’re right, son,’ he said. ‘But the cops aren’t the only show in town.’

  Todd had been looking at something on my laptop and now he raised his head. ‘How big would you say that place was, Lexy?’

  I shrugged, having no idea what the average size of a creepy cult compound was. Patriarchyville might be a tiddler or a whopper; I had no frame of reference.

  ‘Because it says here that the website was set up two years ago. Say they had a little Wix website someone’s brother-in-law put together when they first started out, then they go upmarket two years back, and they’ve got a fleet of trucks, all less than two years old, right Lex?’

  Like I would be able to tell how old a pickup truck was in broad daylight, if I was reading the manual, never mind in the dark, from behind a ridge.

  ‘I see wher
e you’re going,’ said Lenny.

  ‘I’ve got a terrible feeling I see where you’re going too,’ said Roger. ‘And I’m not sure I like it.’

  ‘I don’t see where you’re going,’ I said.

  ‘Well,’ said Todd, ‘they’re expanding, right? They’re advertising for women. They’ve got a web presence that is not unsophisticated, even if some of their direct action is a little … Who trades in navels? That’s just weird. So, I’m thinking they’re probably in the market for recruits. We could … infiltrate them. We could try to join them. Go up there and see what we can see.’

  ‘And, when you say “we”,’ I said, ‘who are you talking about? Because I don’t want to malign these fine gentlemen who hate native women and Black women and Latinas, but I’m guessing they’re probably not mad keen on the gays either. Wouldn’t you say?’

  ‘I was thinking we could do a little reshuffling,’ Todd said. ‘There’s you and me, and Kathi and Roger. Two men and two women. We could go in pairs.’

  ‘What about me?’ said Lenny. ‘I’m as much a part of this as anyone. It’s my money. For my son.’

  ‘You could go stag, I suppose,’ Todd said. ‘But I’m guessing they’re OK for single guys. What they’ll need is couples and families.’

  ‘Sounds like what they need is single women,’ I said.

  ‘Absolutely no way,’ said Roger.

  ‘If they want families, I could tag along,’ said Blaike.

  ‘Absolutely no way,’ said Lenny. ‘Shame there isn’t another lady of a certain age who could be my wife for a day.’

  At that moment, my door opened, after a familiar peremptory knock, and Noleen appeared, saying, ‘Here you are! I’ve been looking for you all. Do you know you’ve left your phones in your room? Hey, kid,’ she added to Blaike.

  ‘Hey, Mom!’ said Blaike, and cracked up laughing.

  TWENTY-THREE

  ‘Road trip! Road trip!’ Todd woke me at six o’clock the next morning, with a bucket of coffee and an eye-opening wardrobe selection.

  ‘Where the hell did you get those trousers?’ I said, sitting up groggily and reaching for the cup. ‘Are they navy blue?’

  ‘French-navy chants,’ said Todd. ‘Not a chino, but not quite a pant. You love ’em, don’t you?’

  ‘I almost don’t love you anymore, simply because you’re wearing them,’ I said. ‘We’ve vetoed the fashion singular, by the way. Only a dollar, though, because I’ve got a crush on Tan France. And did you know there’s an alligator stuck to your left pec? Seriously, Todd, you look terrible. They’re going to know you’re not for real.’

  ‘Wait till you see what you’re wearing,’ he said. ‘I went to Target, last thing before bed last night, and got you the most adorable little calf-length shirtwaister. It’s yellow.’

  ‘Jesus,’ I said.

  ‘And you can cut that out. Taking the Lord’s name.’

  I sank back against my pillows and started the slow, steady sipping of coffee that gets me from a readiness to stay in bed all day and sob, to a readiness to move and face another morning. Then my eyes shot wide open. ‘What’s Noleen wearing?’

  ‘Hers is pink,’ Todd told me.

  I threw the covers back and leaped out like a kid at Christmas.

  As it turned out, I couldn’t laugh at Noleen or at Kathi when I saw them in their dresses with their wool hats pulled on low to hide their short hair.

  ‘I’m not sure she’s worth this,’ Kathi said. ‘I feel naked. And pantyhose are just wrong.’

  ‘Della’s in the office and Devin’s in the launderette, right?’ I said. ‘And Blaike’s going to cover lunchtime and hang out with Diego the rest of the time? So the motel is ticking over?’

  ‘And we’ll be back tonight, because we’re going to call Mike and tell her where we are and tell her we’ll call again once we’re back out. So there’s no way we’re not getting out,’ Noleen said. ‘I mean, right?’

  ‘I’m still worried about Roger,’ I said. ‘I don’t think this place is going to be much of a rainbow, do you? Or salad bowl or chess board or whatever the expression is.’

  ‘He’s a big boy,’ said Noleen. ‘Plus there’s no way he’d let Todd go without him.’

  ‘My husband!’ said Kathi, and we all shared a look. ‘Is there any chance they’re going to believe these three couples?’

  ‘People believe what you tell them,’ said Noleen. ‘Blaike believed his dad died hunting elk. Then he believed the guy never existed. And we all believed Brandee had been kidnapped.’

  ‘Why was there a ransom note?’ I said. ‘It raised suspicion instead of quashing it.’

  ‘All will be revealed,’ said Noleen.

  ‘In Patriarchyville,’ said Kathi. ‘That’s so annoying. It sounds so dumb.’

  ‘Patriarchistan scans much nicer,’ said Noleen. ‘I might suggest that to them. They’d love it.’

  We tried to laugh, but it was more of a groan. ‘When we get back tonight,’ I said, ‘pizza, margarita and Moonstruck. OK?’

  We don’t usually even shake on things. It was a sign of how high feelings were running that, at that moment, we went in for a group hug. When Roger rolled up in a rented minivan, he leaped out and joined it.

  I had forgotten what Todd was like on a road trip. Which is strange, because Todd is quite a lot at the best of times and confining him to a car for a couple of hours only distills it a little bit. He had bookmarked a lot of useful websites about modesty, family values, biblical living and God’s plan for man, which woman should shut her face and listen to, and he regaled us all with it at length on the way up the road. I don’t know what everyone else was doing, but I let it wash over me and looked out at the passing landscape, as almond trees gave way to rice fields, and rice fields gave way to mountains and forests, sudden dramatic vistas, and snow on far-off peaks. We had crested the summit and were back down on to rolling land again when, all of a sudden, he started mock interviews, based on the information he’d been sharing.

  I didn’t acquit myself all that spectacularly.

  ‘If they ask you whose idea it was to change our life, dearest,’ he said, ‘what are you going to tell them?’

  ‘I’m going to say we talked it over together and the plan just sort of hatched,’ I answered. ‘Who can say?’

  ‘You can!’ said Todd. ‘You need to say it was my idea and you’re going along with it because you’re my wife.’

  ‘OK,’ I agreed.

  ‘Is that it?’ said Todd. ‘“OK”?’

  ‘For God’s sake!’ I said. ‘I was going along with what you were saying because I’m your wife. I was literally doing exactly what you said I should be doing, right that very minute! And you’re still sniping at me!’

  ‘I’m going to go the other way,’ Noleen said. She was sitting right over the back, in the jump seats, with Lenny. ‘There’s no point in me trying to act like the perfect wife—’

  ‘I think you’re OK,’ Kathi interrupted.

  ‘—so Ima go with, I’m lost in the swamp of feminism and I need a change before my family – that’s Lenny, our daughter Della and our son Devin – drown in the sins of this world.’

  There was a moment of awestruck silence throughout the minivan.

  ‘Bravo,’ said Lenny. ‘Were you raised Baptist?’

  ‘Presbyterian,’ said Noleen. ‘But they really meant it.’

  ‘Della and Devin,’ Lenny said. ‘How old are they?’

  ‘You choose,’ said Noleen. ‘I thought sixteen-year-old twins, but it’s up to you, oh master.’

  ‘OK, so we’re good,’ Roger said. He was the antsiest out of all of us, and who could blame him? ‘But what are we actually going to say, first off, when we roll up at the gate? That’s what I’ve been thinking about. Who wants to hear?’

  ‘Go for it, honey,’ Todd said.

  ‘We hope they don’t mind us just showing up,’ Roger said. ‘And maybe we should have emailed first, but we just got to the point that we’
d had it. Let’s try and tag it to something. Pity it’s not International Women’s Day or Pride Month or something. But anyways the story is we decided to come and see what they’ve got. Because our friend Brandee Lancer talked about them before she left town and they sounded like a way forward, for people who’re wandering in the desert.’

  ‘Genius,’ said Todd. ‘Straight in with her name. You’re an asset to the team.’

  ‘Or,’ I said, ‘Todd could pretend to be a polygamist and you could wait for us in the nearest town. Aren’t you scared, Roger?’

  ‘Every day,’ he said. ‘But sometimes flushing ’em out is the only way to go.’

  ‘Valentine’s Day,’ said Noleen, from the back. ‘Not to change the subject or anything. Could we hang it off that?’

  ‘Yes!’ I said. ‘Oh my God, yes, of course we can! It’s sickening, fake, commercialized nonsense, commodifying romance and lumping a ridiculous burden on mums everywhere to write cards out for the whole bloody class at their kid’s school, and then still be in her chiffon babydoll at sundown.’

  ‘Or,’ said Todd, ‘just tell us how you feel.’

  ‘And that’s not the way to go,’ said Roger. ‘They won’t care about burdening women with the work of motherhood, and I don’t think they’ll care much about protecting the sanctity of romance from getting steamrollered by Hallmark.’

  ‘You’re right,’ I said, and thought for a while. ‘It destroys childhood innocence by forcing kids to think about sexual partners when they’re too young, and it encourages young adults outside marriage to engage in dangerous mingling and ungodly thoughts.’

  ‘There’s the bunny!’ said Todd.

  ‘Five dollars,’ said Kathi, who hated that expression like the dentist’s drill.

  ‘So, what did we all do for Valentine’s Day, then?’ said Kathi.

  ‘I consoled my daughter about getting no cards,’ Noleen said. ‘And Lenny stayed at work to avoid the pressure. You two, Kathi and Roger, you went out for dinner, but they played lewd music and you had to leave.’