“For fuck’s sake. He can’t leave you for five minutes, can he?”
Emily glanced to the door and then swung back round to face us, putting her hands up in defence.
“I swear, I told him to steer clear of this place. I don’t know what he’s thinking. I’m so sorry, girls. I’ll go and ask him to leave.”
She went to stand up, but Liv grabbed her arm to stop her.
“It’s fine. Let them stay. As long as he doesn’t steal you away.”
I peered over my shoulder and sure enough, there was Ryan at the bar with Zak Atwood, Finn Knowles, and Brandon. They were all wearing jeans and dark t-shirts, but Brandon’s tattoos made him stand out in the group.
He stood tall and appeared arrogant as he looked around the room. When his eyes landed on me, the arrogance I thought I saw was replaced by apprehension. He swallowed and then turned to take the drink that Zak was offering him.
“Are you okay?” Emily whispered. “If you feel uncomfortable and want to leave, we can.”
“No. It’s fine,” I said, trying to convince myself as much as her.
She gave me a look that told me she wasn’t buying it, but she let it slide.
“Okay. If at any time you need to leave, just say the word and we’ll go.”
I was touched that she was taking my feelings into consideration like this. I know that given the chance she’d probably want to be with Ryan over us, but she didn’t show it.
“You can go and say hi. We won’t be mad at you,” Liv said, sipping her cocktail.
“I see him every day. It’s fine.” Emily waved her hand nonchalantly.
“Do you want to go over and say hi to Finn?” Liv turned to nudge Effy and she blushed, taking a sip of her drink to try and hide it.
“I’ll go over in a bit. Don’t want to look too eager, do I?” Effy huffed, and Emily and Liv raised their eyebrows at each other.
“Trouble in paradise?” Liv asked.
“What paradise? He barely speaks to me when he sees me. I think you two see things that aren’t there half the time.” Effy didn’t sound too happy about whatever it was that was going on between her and Finn.
“He’s shy, Eff. Don’t be too hard on him,” Emily replied, giving Effy a kind smile.
“I’m shy too,” Effy argued and stuck out her lip, pouting.
“There’s shy, and then there’s Finn Knowles,” Liv said, pointing at him across the room. “That boy needs a kick up the backside if you ask me.”
“We didn’t,” Effy replied, quick as a flash.
“Maybe I can work my cupid magic on him.” Liv tittered.
“Leave it, Liv. I’m not ready for you to start meddling in my love life.” Effy rolled her eyes, looking over at Emily, and the two of them shared a knowing look.
“Bollocks to that. If I hadn’t pushed Em towards Chase Lockwood, Ryan would never have got his shit together.”
I almost choked on my drink.
“You dated Chase Lockwood?” I asked Emily, feeling shocked that she’d go there. Even I’d heard the rumours about Chase and his… how should I say this, man-whoring ways.
“No!” she stated with a look of disgust on her face. “Liv tried to set it up, but I have standards.” Then she became embarrassed and started to blush. “Sorry, Harper. I know the Lockwoods are friends of yours. I didn’t mean to offend you.”
“They’re not my friends. Not anymore,” I snapped back a little too brusquely.
I could tell they were itching to ask me what had happened, but bringing up anything about those brothers was the last thing I wanted to do. I had a good buzz from the drinks, the girls had made me laugh, and Brandon was in the same building and I hadn’t freaked out. Tonight, I’d made real progress.
It got busier as the night wore on and the atmosphere in the bar ramped up a gear as the music started playing louder. There was no dancefloor; people just let go and danced where they stood, making the most of it.
Despite her earlier protestations, Emily had gone over to talk to the boys, but to her credit she didn’t leave us for long. Effy grew quieter the longer the night wore on, and she couldn’t stop herself from glancing across to where Finn stood and sighing. I made a conscious effort to try and avoid catching Brandon’s eye, but I felt him everywhere. Knowing he was here made the skin on the back of my neck prickle and my stomach churn with nervous energy. He was like a magnet I was trying to avoid being pulled towards. Did he feel it too?
Emily and Liv headed off to the toilets and Effy turned towards me.
“I don’t know what I did wrong?” she said, not looking at me, but peering over my shoulder at the bar area. “One minute I think he likes me, the next he does everything he can to avoid me. Why are boys so hard to figure out?”
“Maybe it’s not you. Maybe it’s something else.” I offered, not having the first clue what was going on with her.
“I asked him out once. Only for coffee. He looked like I’d slapped him round the face and couldn’t make up excuses fast enough to get away from me. The next day he posted an envelope through my door with a note inside. He’d drawn a picture of my dog by hand. It was beautiful.” She shook her head sadly. “He’s a complete mind-fuck.”
“That’s really sweet. He obviously likes you.”
“Does he?”
Effy jolted forward in her chair as some woman behind our table, who’d drunk way too much, fell backwards and knocked into her. She didn’t complain though. Effy was too polite for that. I glared at the woman, but she just laughed and announced to the men with her that she wanted to dance on the tables. I really hoped she didn’t mean ours.
I watched as the woman climbed up onto the table next to us and almost broke her neck when her heels got caught in the grooves of the wood. She was shouting the lyrics to the song and swaying, and the men watching her just laughed, clearly enjoying the show. The woman needed a strong coffee and a new set of friends, in my opinion.
I saw Liv and Emily coming back across the bar, and when they spotted the woman, they both raised their eyebrows at her. She didn’t have a care in the world. She also had zero control and no balance whatsoever. She was an accident waiting to happen.
We all watched her, stunned and holding our breath in anticipation for the impending fall. But suddenly, the air around us became stifling and I tensed when I saw Ryan and Brandon standing next to us, both of them with faces like thunder. Zak and Finn were a bit further back, but from their expressions, shit was about to go down.
“You need to get down,” Brandon shouted to the woman over the music.
The woman did the most unsteady looking slut drop I’d ever seen and ran her ridiculously long nail under Brandon’s chin. I didn’t like that. I didn’t like her touching him.
“You’re a big strapping man. Why don’t you make me?” she purred back, but instead of sounding sexy, she sounded deranged.
“I’m not joking. Get down. You’re gonna hurt yourself,” he hissed, but loud enough that we could all hear him.
“It’s so cute that you care. Why don’t you come up here and join me?” She beckoned him on with her scrawny finger. Brandon just glowered back.
“You need to sober up and go home.”
We all sat watching, frozen in shock at how this was all playing out. Anyone could see how furious Brandon was, and it made us all hyper-alert, dreading what would happen next.
“I’ll go home with you, baby. If that’s what you want,” she said in a husky voice, leaning back down again and running her hand down his chest. He grabbed her wrist and pulled it away, grimacing at her touch like she’d just scorched him.
“You have no idea who I am, do you?” he shouted, and a few people nearby moved away, probably frightened of getting caught in the crossfire. I could tell by the way Brandon’s jaw was clenched that he was close to losing it.
“Should I? Do I know you?” She laughed. “Did we fuck already?” She covered her mouth, pretending to look shocked. “Damn, I would’ve
remembered you.”
“It’s Brandon,” he snapped.
“Brandon who?” She had absolutely no clue who he was, and Brandon was growing more irritated by the second.
“Brandon. Your son.”
What the fuck?
That was the last thing we’d expected him to say. This was Brandon’s mother? The cheap hooker dancing on the tables looking like she didn’t have a care in the world was the same bitch that’d screamed into a little boy’s face and told him she wished he was dead.
“I don’t have a son.” She shrugged. “Oh, wait. Yes, I do. But he’s a skinny little shit who fucked up my life.”
I shot up out of my chair, but Emily and Liv were closer, and they managed to get in her face quicker than I could.
“You’re un-fucking-believable… Mum,” Brandon said, folding his arms over his chest and doing a really good job of keeping himself in check.
“You’re a fucking disgrace,” Liv spat at her.
“You need to leave.” Emily went to move forward, but Ryan held her back.
“Fuck off, Pam. Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage for tonight?” Ryan said, snaking his arm around Emily protectively.
“I’ll do whatever the fuck I want,” Brandon’s mother sneered, but she wasn’t smirking for long. Liv lurched forward and grabbed her arm, pulling her off the table.
“You’re upsetting my friends. Grow up, bitch, and get a fucking life.”
Brandon’s mother just swayed on her feet and cackled at the way Liv was manhandling her.
“Worst thing I ever did was have him. I should’ve aborted him when his dad gave me the money for it. I could’ve done us all a favour.”
The next thing I knew, I was standing in front of her and my hand connected with her face. She reeled backwards and covered her cheek, scowling over at me.
“What was that for?”
For being the biggest piece of shit as a human and a mother.
For destroying your son’s life.
For ever showing your face in Sandland.
For still breathing.
I didn’t get a chance to say my piece though. The girls, Ryan, Brandon, Zak, and Finn stood in front of me like they were my protection, and a doorman marched over, ready to read us all the riot act.
“Okay, Pam. Party’s over. Come on. I’ve got a taxi waiting out the back for you,” the doorman said, giving Brandon a sympathetic look.
“Why the back? You’re such a spoil sport,” Brandon’s mother slurred. Her eyes were glazing over, and I felt sure she’d probably already forgotten the scene she’d just created, she was that drunk.
“’Cos I don’t want you putting off any more of our customers.” The doorman sighed, and as he started to lead her off, she stumbled into him and he caught her as she almost fell to the floor.
“You could take me back to yours,” she said, grinning up at him as he held her up by his side. “I could do that thing you like with my tongue.”
He just turned to look at Brandon and said, “I’m so sorry, man.” Then, without waiting for a reply, he carted her off and left us all to deal with the aftermath of what’d happened.
Brandon didn’t stick around for long. His mother wasn’t even halfway across the room when he said, “Fuck this shit.” And stormed off out of the bar. The rest of us stood there stunned into silence. No one knew what to say or do for the best.
“I should go after him,” Finn piped up, and Ryan went to go with him, but I shocked even myself when I jumped in front of them.
“No. I’ll go,” I said, leaving the rest of the group gawping at me, speechless.
I darted to the exit, and when I got outside, I looked left and right, but I couldn’t see him.
“I think he went that way,” one of the doormen said, pointing down the road.
I thanked him and started to walk the way he’d suggested, but I couldn’t see Brandon anywhere and it made me feel anxious to think of him out here alone with his demons.
I stopped next to an alleyway to gather my bearings, and when I peered down into the darkness, I saw him, leaning against the wall with his head hung low. He looked lost and broken, and it made my heart hurt to see him like that.
I stalked towards him like I was approaching a wounded animal. I didn’t know what frame of mind he was in and I felt like I needed to be cautious. When he heard my footsteps, he looked up and the way he sighed so deeply made me want to reach out to him and make it better. I don’t know when it’d happened, but Brandon’s happiness seemed to be tethered to my own. His feelings affected mine.
“I’m sorry you had to see that,” he said, shaking his head and staring at the floor like he wished it’d open up and swallow him whole.
“You don’t have to apologise for anything.”
And he didn’t.
Whatever that woman had done in her life, it was no reflection on him. He’d come out relatively unscathed considering what a major fuck-up she was. I doubt many people would survive a childhood with her playing a starring role. No wonder he had issues forging relationships when that was what he had to base his experiences on.
“I can’t believe that… woman back there gave birth to me. I feel ashamed.”
I felt another flip of my heart, hearing him sound so tortured and alone.
“Don’t ever be ashamed of who you are, Brandon. She’s the one who should feel shame, not you.”
I didn’t know if he was hearing what I was saying. He could barely look me in the eye, preferring to glance down the alley or at the floor than look at me.
“She’s probably forgotten me already… Again,” he said on a whisper. And I knew in that instant that it didn’t matter what she did or how many times she denied him or put him down. He’d always want her approval; her love. He was a boy who’d never felt a mother’s love. That had to hurt harder than anything in life. Maybe just as much as losing a twin.
Maybe.
“Then that’s her loss. She doesn’t deserve to have a family. She doesn’t deserve a son like you.”
“A son like me? What, a fucked-up head-case who stalks girls he likes. Who’s only skill in life is hitting people and causing absolute fucking mayhem.”
And that was it. My heart was well and truly gone.
“You like me?”
He smirked and shook his head.
“That’s what you took from all that?”
“Brandon, I’m not gonna pretend I understand anything you’ve done in the past, but in a way, after seeing that tonight, I kind of get it. You haven’t had the best family life.”
And you have absolutely no idea how to handle your emotions because of it.
“Other people have it worse.”
And a lot more have it better too.
“You’re forgetting who you’re talking to. I know what she said to you when you were little. I know the damage she caused.” I couldn’t stop myself from reaching forward and brushing my fingers over his stomach, knowing what lay underneath that t-shirt. Feeling his warmth on my fingertips made my whole body heat up. That magnetic pull he’d had on me back at the bar was still as strong in this alleyway. “I know what damage they all did… And I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry.”
His eyes never left mine as he held his breath, then he looked down to where my fingers were touching him and let out a deep sigh.
“We can’t take on the sins of our relatives,” I said, willing him to look at me. “I think we both know that.”
“I know. But it doesn’t stop the guilt, does it? I could’ve done more.”
“What more do you think you could’ve done?” I asked, peering up into his eyes.
“I ran.” He rubbed his hands over his face and groaned. “I bottled it and I ran away. I should’ve stayed and helped you.”
“I wouldn’t have let you.”
“Will you let me now?”
He hung his head and the look on his face made my heart ache for him. He looked so lost, hiding here in the darknes
s.
“I know you like to hide this part of you. A bit like you’re hiding now. You don’t want people to see the darkest parts. But I want to see them. You’ve seen mine. You’ve seen me bent over in the dirt, broken and crying.”
“Because of me.” I heard the hitch in his voice. This was the rawest I think I’d ever seen him. He was putting himself out there, letting it all go, for me.
“I broke because I lost my brother and I couldn’t handle it. Neither could you. What can I say? We have shit coping mechanisms.” I gave a low laugh, trying to make light of the shitty situation we were in.
He chuckled back and it made my heart hurt less to see him open up to me somewhat.
“I have no coping mechanism. I just am. I learnt from an early age that you have to be there for yourself, ‘cos no one else is going to help you.”
“You helped me. At least you tried to. In your weird fucked up way.” I grinned, hoping he saw how I meant it.
“And look how that turned out.”
Nope. He wasn’t getting it.
“Yeah, look. I’m out for the first time in months, drinking with friends, having a good time, and standing here in the dark with you. Who’d have thought this would’ve happened a few months ago?”
He bit his lip and then looked right at me.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Will you ever forgive me?”
And that was the million dollar question.
“It isn’t about forgiveness, Brandon. What happened, happened. It could’ve been anyone in that ring with him that night. I know that now.” I sighed. “It’s about finding peace. I’m getting there, slowly. But I’m not sure you are.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever find peace. I’m used to living in my head with the constant noise and feelings of shame, inferiority, guilt, disgust… the list is endless.” And that list I could see etched into his face, in the wrinkles on his brow, the clench of his jaw and the pain in his eyes.
“You’ve lived with that all these years? How are you still functioning?”
“I don’t. I fight. That’s the only time I feel any sort of calm. Well, it was.”
He clenched his fists at the side of him and I could feel the tension in his body.
Tortured Souls (Rebels of Sandland Book 2) Page 20