Woman's Own

by Robyn Carr

  “In this instance, your influence won’t help. He already has a wife. I’m afraid we were careless.”

  “Careless? That’s a hell of a way of putting it! Careless!”

  “Hush now. It’s a little soon to tell the entire staff, don’t you think?”

  Amanda lowered her voice to a coarse whisper. “That man? The one who so long ago kissed you and disappeared? He’s the one?”

  “Please, Gran, it just isn’t important. Not really.” She saw that Amanda’s lips were pursed, her eyes were slits. “All right then--the same man. I came across him again. Not that it matters,” Lilly shrugged.

  “Oh, Lilly, what were you thinking?”

  “I love him,” she said lamely, “and just couldn’t help myself.”

  Amanda gave a sharp, cruel laugh. “I assure you, that one’s been done to death!”

  “Well, I have no excuse. None. And I’m quite pleased about the baby. I don’t intend to get rid of it.”

  “Of course you’re not--that’s deadly.” Amanda put a hand on her bad knee to get to her feet. She dropped her papers in the chair and began to pace about the small space. “I can’t believe my ears. Not you, Lilly! You haven’t found the man who can hold your interest through dinner!” She peered over her shoulder at her granddaughter. “I trust you stayed through the fruit and wine…at least once.”

  Lilly was concerned about the pregnancy, not quite sure how she could handle it, but was not yet unhappy or afraid. She hoped she wouldn’t be. In fact, she had never felt more wonderful in her life. “Yes, Gran, the fruit and wine,” she said wistfully. The wine that filled my cup and was magically empty to be filled again and again! The fruit of life, growing within me. She looked at her grandmother, and her look was serene, calm.

  “That cottage of yours?” Amanda asked.

  “No, I’m afraid not. I suspected, you see, and thought a little time away…solitude, might help me to understand what I want. By the time I left the cottage, I knew for certain.”

  “You’ve been to a doctor?”

  “No, not yet. But I assure you, Gran, I am going to have a child, perhaps for Katherine’s fourth birthday. And I suppose I should see a doctor to be certain--”

  “How could you let this happen? How could you do this to us?”

  Lilly stiffened in surprise. “Gran, don’t. You know I wouldn’t ever deliberately hurt you. It’s too late for threats and recriminations. It can’t be undone.”

  “But you were careless, you said! Careless! You should not have let him touch you in the first place! I’ll find out who that son of a--”

  “How long did you imagine I would be content to not have a whole life, Gran? Did you think I’d marry some dolt who’d lose all our money for us just to have--This may seem scandalous, but I assure you, it’s far more decent than some contrived marriage! At least I love him!”

  “And do you suppose, in your wildest dreams, that you’ll have the luxury of carrying on with this--”

  “Of course not! I know I can’t!”

  “The wretch took advantage of you when--”

  “He’s not a wretch! He’s good and decent and--”

  “And compromised you! Gave you his child! No marriage, but a child! Don’t bother me with defending his decency, damn it all! No decent man would--”

  “Stop pacing--your knee will be crippled tomorrow.”

  “The bloody tomcat! You’ll have to go away, that’s all. We can’t have an illegitimate child born under our roof.”

  “I don’t want to go away,” she said flatly.

  “Oh? And what do you propose? To grow round and fat and have the guests asking a lot of questions about where your husband happens to be? Fortunately I still have good friends in Europe who would be willing--”

  “I don’t want to go to Europe!”

  “There are no alternatives, Lilly!”

  “Of course there are! People get bored with scandal. Patricia and Dale didn’t live under the same roof for years and there was hardly a snicker. Mama pretended to be a widow all her life and no one was the wiser. No one really cares for long.”

  “Good God! You mean it! Lilly, you’re different! You’ve become one of the most admired young women in Philly! Don’t you understand what role you’ve filled for people? Your mother left society, and they left her alone. Your sister was never one of them, so she was easy to ignore. But you--”

  “They created me, Grandmother! They didn’t know what I was, so they created me! I can’t help that!”

  “Lord, you mean to stay right here and get large and bulky and--I won’t have it, that’s all. We’ll make some arrangements for you. You can return after a year.”

  “With my child?”

  “Lilly, my dear, how can you hope to raise a child in circumstances like--”

  “I won’t do it! I won’t go away or give up my child! What is it you expect of me?”

  “I had expected intelligence and control, foolish old hen that I am!”

  “Oh, don’t speak to me of control! I haven’t married three times, left my husband, or pretended to be a widow when I’m not!”

  “Oh? Oh, miss brave and bright hotel owner, you think you can bear the way people will look at you, pregnant and unmarried, but you are wrong. You are so much in the eye--seen as my heir!”

  “I’m not an heir! That’s what people pretend I am because they don’t know what to make of me! This hotel was my idea, my design, my--

  “Just how long has this little conspiracy been--”

  “None of your business!”

  “Lilly, you will tell me who--”

  Lilly stood abruptly. “I won’t! Be as angry and demanding as you like! There are certain things you can’t control! You can’t send me away if I don’t want to go! I won’t tell you any more, and I won’t be scolded! I am a woman, I am going to have a child, and it is done!”

  Lilly’s cheeks were colored from her anger, and she quickly went to the office door.

  “Lilly!” Amanda whispered furiously.

  But Lilly walked out. She went hurriedly down the hall toward the elevator and then down. A couple of people who worked for the hotel greeted her, but she walked past them. She wasn’t any closer to having the problem resolved and had not expected Amanda to have that particular solution at the ready. Lilly didn’t care what people said. She wasn’t going to make a spectacle of her pregnancy, but she’d be damned if she’d be hustled out of her own home. And go away only to leave her child behind? Never!

  What am I supposed to do? she thought furiously. I wanted love in my life, and there was only one man to love, only one man who was right. I wanted a child, and I’ll have one. I can’t help that it isn’t tidy--I regret none of it!

  This was the price of free love. What is a whole life worth? No matter how terrible it was, no matter the gossip, she would not go to Europe, would not give up her child.

  She walked through the foyer of the hotel to the portico. Fletcher was just getting out of his coach and said hello to her, but with her mind elsewhere and her cheeks hot with anger, tears threatening in her eyes, she passed Fletcher without a word and walked briskly toward the gardens.

  Lilly wondered if she should have expected her grandmother’s rage and shame. How else could she have responded, as concerned with appearances as Amanda could be? Dealing with Patricia hadn’t ruffled her too much because every family has one spot of trouble. But Amanda had decided on Lilly as an heir. There was the crux of the trouble! Amanda had created that image herself and delighted in it. Lilly wanted to be an independent woman, but the world wanted something else.

  She wants the villain named, Lilly thought furiously. Villain? She’d seduced him with such purpose! Oh, what would she think if she knew this was exactly what I wanted? His love, his body, his child! Andrew can’t be named and remain in the good graces of the family. I will not have him cast away from the household where his child grows. Now perhaps I will compromise. But now I know why!

 
She slowed once in the garden, relieved to be alone. Of course hotel guests could come down the path at any moment and she would have to be pleasant. She went to the gazebo, hoping she wouldn’t have to spread that proprietress smile across her lips.

  “Whatever it was, it certainly opened your sails!”

  She turned to see Fletcher, his hand on the pillar and his foot on the gazebo step. “Fletcher, I’m sorry,” she said, just realizing that she had ignored him. “This isn’t a good time.”

  He stepped into the gazebo anyway, chuckling under his breath. “It doesn’t look like a good time, Lilly. No, indeed. What on earth is it?”

  She sighed heavily. “I had a disagreement with my grandmother.”

  “Oh?” he laughed. “I always wanted to witness that. I’m amazed it’s been this long--the two strongest female wills I have ever known were bound to come to blows sometime. I’m sure you can smooth it over.”

  “Not this time.”

  “Lilly, she’s not getting any younger, nor any gentler. But she loves you.”

  Fletcher sat down on the gazebo bench, one leg outstretched and one arm over the back of the bench.

  “She can be very stubborn. And when she comes up against that rare circumstance she can’t control! Unbearable!”

  “Yes,” he laughed. “What uncontrollable challenge did you give her?”

  “A small one,” she said with a deep sigh. “You may as well know. You’ve been trusted with bigger secrets than this, and this one isn’t going to be a secret for very long.” She looked at him; she had always thought Fletcher so steady. She was almost eager to see if he would start shouting and accusing. “I’m afraid I’m pregnant.”

  His eyes widened briefly; he composed himself quickly. “I see,” he said.

  “I don’t happen to have a husband.”

  “Yes, I was aware of that.”

  “I’m not going to be able to get one.”

  “The father isn’t--?”

  “Available,” she finished for him.

  He made a sound, not quite shock or laughter or disapproval. Perhaps it was his wry humor. “I’m glad you didn’t say ‘interested.’“

  “He is indisposed.”

  “Married, you mean.”

  Her eyes shot to his face.

  “Well, it’s the single reason I can imagine the father of your child wouldn’t marry you. A lot of men want to marry you before they even meet you.”

  “Yes, don’t I know it.”

  “Even now--”

  “Put that instantly from your mind!” she snapped. “If you think I’m taking this little bundle with me to dupe some poor, ignorant idiot who wants to get his hands on a hotel--”

  “Well,” he said, leaning back, unruffled. “What is your plan?”

  “I don’t have one yet. I’m still working on that.”

  “It must have taken you quite by surprise,” he said.

  “It shouldn’t have. I’m not one for trifling affairs--it’s not as though I engaged in a scandalous weekend.”

  “I shouldn’t think so, as deliberate as you are.”

  “Well, damn it all, there you have it. I’ve gone and done it, and Grandmother is furious with me. I might as well have been wearing red on Canal Street!”

  “Nonsense. She’ll calm down. Though she’ll be looking at you strangely--this is a part of you that Amanda, naively, didn’t know existed. Did you tell her who--”

  “No! And I think that alone makes her angrier than this result. You know how awful she is when she isn’t in on a secret!”

  “You’ll be under sharp scrutiny, in that case. Your every conversation, your every glance, your--”

  “It won’t do any good,” Lilly said.

  “Ah,” he acknowledged. “You intend to go it alone?”

  “Can you think of any alternative?”

  “Have you told him?”

  “I meant to,” she said, her voice softening. “But you see, there’s nothing he can do. Nothing reasonable, that is. I’ve decided to tell him later, when I’ve thought this through.”

  “Well, Lilly, how are you otherwise?”

  She looked at him and smiled. “That’s what I’d hoped Grandmother would ask me. After all this family has been through, the number of times we’ve brushed up against scandal and escaped by the merest sliver…I feel wonderful, Fletcher! I feel better than I’ve felt in my life! What do you suppose would happen, really, if I simply refused to be ashamed? If I simply grew and grew till I popped and had a child, a loved and wanted child, and continued to work? Do you think all the world would refuse to cross my threshold? Do you think John would write another book?” She leaned toward him. “Do you think me shabby now? Have I lost all respectability?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Lilly! But remember, I’m very tolerant. If you truly love the man, I think what you’ve done makes more sense than what a lot of people do, but then I--”

  “And I won’t be able to continue to see him now,” she said, her voice quiet. “Because of the baby, because of the way everyone will look at me, expecting to see some sort of acknowledgment in my eyes. It’s a shame, a dreadful trade. That place where I was happiest is gone for now. I was so very happy with him.”

  He reached for her hand and squeezed it. “Love, Lilly, is very respectable. Unfortunately, it can also be very risky.”

  “I wish I could feel sorry. I don’t, that’s all. I have done exactly as I intended all along. Oh, I didn’t mean to have a baby. I thought it best that I shouldn’t. But, well, here it is.” She shifted a bit on the bench. “Grandmother wants to send me away. She mentioned friends in Europe who would take me in. She even suggested that I couldn’t keep my--” She stopped suddenly at that intolerable thought.

  “Consider one thing, Lilly. As much as Amanda loves you, that would be a difficult suggestion for her--meant, I’m sure, only to protect you. It’s her great-grandchild, too.”

  “It’s her great-grandchild second.”

  “Don’t expect this to be easy when you’re going to be as stubborn as Amanda. Have you talked to your mother?”

  “That is coming, I assure you. By the time I return to the apartments, she will have been told.”

  “Elizabeth?” he asked.

  Lilly laughed suddenly. “Oh, she’ll be the last. She has never quite overcome her terrible fretting!”

  “Well, may I say one thing?”

  “Anything you like, Fletcher.”

  “When you decide to love as you will, despite all the fancy little rules society has made up, you become a part of that person you love, more dramatically when you are going to have his child. You have to tell him before you decide, finally, what you’re going to do.”

  “Why? He isn’t having a baby!”

  Fletcher laughed at her. “No, but you’re having his. You don’t have to do as he suggests, but you do owe him the decency of telling him and letting him speak his mind.”

  She thought about this for a moment. What good it was likely to do, she wasn’t sure. “I thought, if I was patient--”

  “That he would divorce his wife? Lilly, does that really seem likely?”

  “No,” she said quietly. “In fact, I always knew it possible he never would. But now--”

  Fletcher stood and reached out a hand toward her. “Come on, Lilly. There’s going to be a lot of blustering and swearing and interrogation. Let’s get it behind us. I’ll stand by you.”

  “Then you agree with me? I should be allowed to do as I please about this?”

  “I think some solution will show itself when the wind calms and the sun comes out. Right now there’s a lot of yelling to endure. Nothing will surface until Amanda has exhausted herself and Emily recovers. Let’s just get the worst of it over.”

  “Oh, this is going to be horrible,” she said, standing up and taking his arm to walk back.

  “Soon, Lilly, you’ll have to go see him. When you’ve heard all that has to be said, then it’s time to decide. This week,
Lilly, don’t wait.”

  “Thank you, Fletcher, for not being ashamed of me.”

  “Lilly, I couldn’t be that. I understand. I’m only sorry the circumstances aren’t a bit happier for you. You’ll make a wonderful mother.”

  “Wonderful or not, I already am a mother. Damn pity is, I’m not a wife!”

  “Dear God!” was Emily’s exclamation.

  “Doesn’t anyone in this family get married first?” Bertie chirped.

  “Oh, don’t judge,” Amanda scolded. “We’ve only mixed that up a couple of times…It’s not as though it hasn’t ever happened before!”

  “Lilly, who is the father?”

  “Don’t waste your breath, Emily. She isn’t talking.”

  “It isn’t relevant,” Lilly said.

  “If the father is not able to marry her,” Fletcher said, “then his name will only confuse the issue.”

  “Hush up, Fletcher!”

  “Fletcher is as much involved as anyone else in this family,” Lilly argued. “At least he didn’t scold me!”

  “It’s that miner from Minnesota,” Bertie said, picking up a tray from the table and walking toward the kitchen to fix tea and whatever else would take the sting out of this meeting.

  “That miner from Minnesota is a dolt!” Lilly said.

  “Did the dolt compromise you? is the question,” Emily said, her voice flat.

  “I wasn’t compromised,” Lilly replied. “I was in love.”

  “She’s going to have to take an extended holiday. There is simply no other way.”

  “Mother, surely there’s some tale we can come up with to cover this?”

  “Aren’t we quite done with tales? Lord, I’m still trying to think of some story to explain Patricia!”

  “What kind of tale could you use to cover this?” Lilly asked in astonishment.

  “You could go away briefly,” Emily said. “Katherine and I would go with you. We’ll contrive some husband who will die before the wedding trip is over, and then we’ll come home.”

  “Oh, Mother,” Lilly sighed. “I am to go away a virgin and come home in three months, six months pregnant? Do you think that will cure gossip?”

  “It could slow gossip.”

  “Do you see the world we live in?” Lilly said, flustered. “A world in which you’re more respectable for attempting a terrible, stupid lie that no one believes for one second than if you simply bear your circumstances without playing everyone for fools!”